Babies Are A Good Thing
by Mrs Muir
Summary: Buffy and Spike have been together for five years when Buffy decides she wants a baby. But as they fall apart they are forced to fight together to protect what is theirs. Sequel to Baby Did A Bad Thg Now Complete
1. Prologue

Title:                 Babies Are A Good Thing

Author:              Mrs Muir

Rating:              R

Disclaimer:        All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All original characters and places are mine.

Authors Note:    This is the second in the 'Baby' series. The first was 'Baby Did A Bad Thing" which can be found on my site, www.angelfire.com/folk/whenbuffysmiles.  It is an adult fiction that cannot be archived on this site. But this story can be read as a stand alone fiction. 

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**Prologue – The Missing Pieces**

_December 26, 2006 – 2:00 am_

I sit on the bathroom floor with my face buried in a towel. It is to muffle the sounds of my sobs so that Spike won't hear me. I couldn't explain to him why I am crying. He would just look at me wondering why it would hurt. It was the unspoken agreement between us when I came back. No children. No marriage. Just us being together. He's a vampire and I am a Slayer. It is not in our destinies to be normal. My head understands this. My heart and my body don't realize that I am not supposed to want this. And I ache.

If fate intervened to give us a child, I know that Spike would love that child more than anything. When it comes to the children in the family he is gentle and giving. Letting them sit on his lap. Playing games with them. He hugs them when they are hurt. Or just rocks them when they need it. My heart wants to shatter every time I see this. And it makes me want a child of our own even more. But he doesn't. The comments are always there. The little ones about not having to deal with the responsibilities of day to day care and the ones about being able to send them home at the end of the day. And I just laugh it off while I am being ripped in two. 

This month I was a little over a week a late. The pregnancy test is hidden in our room. I was going to use it in the morning. Hoping that I would be able to give him another Christmas present but I woke just a short while ago with cramps. The blood reminding me that I am just not meant to be a mother. That somehow I am not worthy enough of bringing a new life into the world.  

The tears are subsiding as I stand up. As I look into the mirror at my face I see the lines that are there already. They are hardly distinguishable but still visible at the corners of my eyes. Reminding me that I am getting older and that time is slowly slipping away. After I rinse my face in cool water I make my way downstairs. 

There is comfort in walking through our home that in a way has become our baby. We spent almost three years putting her back together. Room by room we worked together. In the end it is a crazy mixture of modern and Victorian elegance. But it works for us. I make myself a cup of hot cinnamon tea as I sit at the kitchen table. Piled on the other end are some of the presents we brought home tonight. We celebrated Christmas at Giles's house this year. Everybody was there making it a noisy mixture of fun and chaos.

I reach for our present from Dawn. It was a scrapbook that she had made of our lives. She made one for each of us so that we would all remember what is important. The cover is of soft brown leather with gold etching saying 'The Scoobie Families". I run my hand over the front tracing the markings with my fingers. We have all changed so much in the last four years that it is hard to believe that we are the same people that we started out to be.

At the front of the book is a picture of Giles and his wife, Kate, on their wedding day. Dr. Kate McGowan had been the ER doctor to patch Xander up when he was shot. It had taken only one look at Giles for her to fall in love. He took his time returning the feelings afraid of the past repeating itself. That she wouldn't be able to handle the reality of his life. Or that she would become a casualty of it. But Kate was the one to break down his barriers first then relieved him of his worries by announcing that she had a side line practice. A practice that catered to demons that fought on the side of good. 

They married only a few weeks after they had both came clean on their hidden lives. Time was too precious to waste was their motto as the wedding was put together. The only real challenge they faced was that Kate's son, Josh, was the boy that Dawn had fallen for. The marriage threw two hormonal infatuated teenagers into the same house. Spike and Xander had a long talk with Josh threatening him with bodily harm if anything happened with Dawn. He promised and as far as we know he kept his promise. It was Thanksgiving when Giles announced that Kate was pregnant. An accidental mix up of her menopausal body but once discovered a joyous welcome to their family. Dawn is so excited about being able to be the big sister for a change.

I move on to the page for Xander and Anya. There is no official wedding photo just a snapshot from a disposable camera. They were married in the hospital while Xander recuperated. It had been a time of realizations as they had almost lost everything. Even though they still had a lot to work on they wanted to do it together instead of apart. After counseling and compromises their marriage today is strong and always their first priority even more so than their two children. Aidan William was born exactly nine months after his parent's wedding. Their daughter, Jessica Anne, came along a little over a year ago. Beneath the photo of the couple is a family portrait. They make a beautiful perfect family. The American Dream with the house and the minivan. 

Willow and Tara with a photo of their son, Jacob Alexander, is on the next page. They bought a house together when Willow had graduated from college two years ago. It was an announcement that they were now adults and moving forward in their lives as a committed couple. Willow accepted a teaching position at the high school while continuing her education at night. Tara opened a 'school' adjacent to the Magic Box. The Magic Light has classes in magic practices, yoga and I teach self defense there a few times a week. The two businesses refer customers to the other creating plenty of profits for Tara and Anya. Shortly after their careers were established Willow and Tara announced that Tara was going to have a child conceived through a carefully selected sperm donor. I try very hard not to be bitter as I look at another perfect family in the making.

Even Dawn is married now. I laugh as I stare at her wedding picture. Josh and her standing with an Elvis impersonator that was present when they eloped in Las Vegas. Josh had kept his word until her eighteenth birthday when he took her away to be married. By the time we had all woken up that morning the deed was already done. They are blissfully happy together living in married housing on campus. 

I flip the book back to the beginning to the page after Giles and Kate. To the page designated for Spike and I. There is only one photo there. An 8x10 portrait of us that Dawn insisted we have done. There is no room on our page for children's pictures or a wedding photo. Even they know that we are just 'together'. The price to be paid for a relationship that cannot be open to people outside of our circle and is still sometimes not fully accepted by those within. It is the price that is to be paid for loving a demon that has committed a multitude of sins against humanity. No matter what he does to redeem himself it will always be hidden just below the surface of his self. And it will always exact its price of shame against our love.

Slamming the book shut before I begin to cry again I stand to walk away. My tea in hand I begin to wander through our house. But I know where I am headed. His sanctuary is the place that is solely his in this world of ours.  I rarely enter into his study knowing that this place is intensely private for him. He would never deny me access. As he has never denied me access to any part of his life, heart and soul.  It is mine for the taking but I don't because his love for me has always been stronger than my love for him. We both know it though we have never talked about it. His essence is stronger than mine. His intensity and passion for life more for being dead than mine could ever be. I have been to the other side and know that it is better than here. It is only through him that I found my center and a desire to live in this world again.

I run my hand over the chair that he sits in to read than I move to curl up into it. The afghan is pulled over me so that I can smell him on the yarn. After sipping at my now cold tea I look toward the organized mess of his desk. His first book 'The Madness Of  A Vampire' went to the top of the best seller list and stayed there for months. It was made more popular by his mysterious public persona. We have shared many laughs over the rumors of him being an actual vampire. What would his public do if they knew the truth? That the life detailed is actual fact and not the runaway imagination of an ordinary man. 

He is now in the middle of writing his second book. 'The Pleasure of the Bite' is a love story of his vampire for an ordinary girl. I have yet to read it because I am afraid of the truth of his feelings and emotions for life and us. He still scares me when he comes to look for me sometimes just needing to know that I have not left him. All that love for me and I wonder what I did to deserve such devotion from a creature as extraordinary as him.

It is almost dawn before I stir from this place that brings me peace. In our bedroom he is still sleeping with his hand on my side of the bed. I hesitate in the door to watch him sleep for a moment. His face is ethereal in the near darkness reminding me of his immortality. As my body ages his will still be the same. I know that his heart is mine no matter what the changes but I fear that part of our future. He will be wasted taking care of an old woman as she becomes incapacitated with time. The beauty and agility of youth will always be his and he deserves the same in return. 

The bed sinks a little as I crawl in beside him. My fingertips trace the plains of his sculptured face stirring him from his sleep.

"Can't sleep, love?" His voice heavy with sleep growls in my ear. I look into the clarity of his eyes and shake my head. To speak now would only bring the tears that have been hovering all night just below the surface. His hand reaches out to pull me close as I willingly move into the protection of his body. 

He holds me to him running cool hands over me as he whispers to me of his love. I roll onto my back pulling him on top of me. I whisper to him just to hold me. To keep me safe while I fall asleep. I can feel his confusion at my words but he does as I ask. Lying here beneath his body I know that I am loved and safe. Sleep tickles at my tired body and before I succumb I tell him that I love him.

TBC


	2. The Beginning of Change

**Chapter 1 – The Beginning of Change**

_January 2, 2007___

The teakettle announced its readiness by giving a sharp whistle. Giles moved to take it off the burner so that he could pour the boiling water into the teapot. Tara sat at the kitchen table holding Jacob in her arms. Willow and Kate were putting cookies onto a plate. And Buffy leaned against the sink staring into the night through the window. Her hands wrung a kitchen towel in a frantic pace hoping that it would absorb the nerves that were wracking her body. Her family was here at her invitation but the reality of what she was about to do hadn't sunk in yet. There was no doubt in her mind that this was what she wanted. The unease came because she hadn't discussed this with Spike before calling this meeting. 

When the tea and cookies were ready they all sat around the table placing the refreshments in the middle. Buffy waited until everyone was settled before she turned to sit with them. They sat in patience until she was ready to speak. Tea cups rattled in the silence. Jacob started to speak his baby talk to start the conversation. Just six months old he sat in his mother's lap holding onto a rattle that was being slowly gummed by him.  Finally Buffy raised her head and one by one she looked at the people that surrounded her.

"I want a baby. I want Spike's baby." She laid it out before them before she could change her mind. At first there was no response as they all stared wide eyed at her. Giles was the first to break the silence.

"Buffy, it is rare that a vampire can sire a child with a human. You know this." He explained calmly to the woman looking at him with so much hope in her eyes. It broke his heart to have to do this to her. To try and make her face reality when she apparently wanted this so much.

"But it is possible. Right? It has happened hasn't it?" Buffy turned pleading eyes to Giles. Her hands reached out to grasp his. 

"Yes, it has happened but like I said it is very rare. You have to face the fact that it may never happen." 

When Buffy pulled her hands free from his, Giles immediately pulled his glasses off to wipe them clean. The others were still silent as they felt that this was something that should be settled between the two. The tension was thick in the air as the two stared at each other over the table.

"I have faced it. Every month for four and a half years I have faced it. Every time I hold one of the children or look at your wife I face it. And every time I am with him I hope that this will be the time but it never is. It never is." The tears began to streak her face as she looked with desperation on the man she considered her father.

"Maybe you're trying too hard. You two do it like bunnies and that can be bad." Everyone at the table turned toward Dawn's voice. She stood in the hallway between the kitchen and Spike's study. 

"When did you get here?" Buffy began to hurriedly wipe the tears from her face. "Where are the guys?"

  
"They went down to Willie's to watch the game. Why wasn't I invited to this?" 

Dawn moved into the room taking the last vacant seat at the table. Buffy sighed as she realized that her sister knew her secret and wasn't about to leave the table for anything. 

"Because I didn't want you to know anything about this." She explained to Dawn as she insinuated herself further into the situation by taking Jacob from his mother and settling him on her lap.

"Buffy, what are you hoping to accomplish by bringing us here. The four of us." Giles asked her with a quick look of irritation toward Dawn.

"Because I don't know of anyone else that can help me. Kate has the medical knowledge. You can research the times it has happened and tell us of anything that might help. And Willow and Tara can help with researching fertility rituals or spells or something."

Buffy looked around the table as she spoke trying to let them know how much this meant to her with a look. But it was already there. The understanding. And the pity. She could see it in their eyes as they looked at her. Poor Buffy in love with the vampire. She gave up everything to be with him even though they were the very ones who encouraged her to come back to him. It was too much for her as she covered her face with her hands. 

A hand came to rest on her arms while the thumb softly caressed her skin.

"Buffy, I'll help all I can. I have a friend who is discreet that can run whatever tests we need to do." Kate offered her help with this. She hated to see the girl hurt like this. Her hand came to rest on the first swelling of her belly. This unplanned pregnancy had to eat away at Buffy who had wanted one for so long.

Buffy raised her head to stare at her new friend in appreciation. It was nice to have someone offer to help that was still new to the family. She turned her head to look at Tara and Willow to gauge their reaction.

"Whatever we can do, Buffy, we will." Willow reassured her friend hoping in her heart that a way could be found. Without realizing what she was doing she raised a hand to touch her son. No matter the biological beginning for Jacob he belonged to her and Tara just as if he had been conceived by love from their bodies. A smile born of parental pride hovered on her face.

Giles observed the look on Buffy's face as she watched Willow with Jacob. It wasn't fair that with all that Spike and she had been through that they would be denied a chance for their love to continue on beyond them. In his heart he honestly didn't feel that anything would come of this but he couldn't do this to her. He couldn't be the one who tore her dreams away from her. Plus he knew from all these years on the Hellmouth that anything was possible. Maybe if she wanted it badly enough something or someone would bless them.

"All right, Buffy." Giles told Buffy watching her face light up from his agreement to her request. He smiled back at her as the general feeling of relief went around the room. The discussion then went into making a plan. Willow and Tara would begin to study fertility spells while Giles would look into previous situations including Angel's startling fatherhood. 

"Buffy, when can you and Spike come in for tests?" Kate waited for Buffy to give her a date so she could contact her colleague. Then she watched as Buffy's face drain of all color while she looked over Kate's shoulder. Automatically tensing Kate turned to look behind her while everyone else at the table also turned toward the kitchen door.

"Tests for what?' Spike asked in amusement. He figured it was for something routine like Buffy's annual exam or something. Josh and Xander were walking in behind him laughing at some joke between them.

"For the fertility tests. So, you all can have babies." Dawn threw out as she rose to greet her husband. At first there wasn't any backlash to her calmly stated words. Then Buffy stood to face the consequences of her actions while Spike froze where he stood. His eyes stared at Buffy's face. Slowly it filtered to everyone in the room that something was seriously wrong as the two lovers faced each other.

The words had pierced Spike like a knife damaging his trust and security in his relationship with Buffy. It was inconceivable to him that after all this time that she would do this to him. A quick glance at the others in the room gave him the confirmation that he needed to know that his inadequacies had been discussed among them. That he wasn't able to be the man that Buffy needed. 

"Who is having babies?" Xander asked as silence fell over the room. 

Humiliation warred with Spike's insecurities making him unable to deal with the situation. The only thing he could do was leave. The back door slammed shut behind him as he left the others behind. His body shook from the overwhelming emotions taking him over as he headed out into the night.

"You did discuss this with Spike?" Giles asked as he stood to get Buffy's attention. As she turned toward him with eyes filled with agony he had his answer. "Buffy, you know how Spike is. How could you not talk to him first?" 

"Would somebody, please, explain what is going on?" Xander threw his hands up into the air as he looked around at everybody. 

"Buffy called a meeting to try to figure out how to get pregnant. But apparently she forgot to inform Spike of her decision." Dawn gave Xander the answer he was looking for. Then she turned to Buffy. "I'm sorry that I let the cat out of the bag. I didn't know that Spike didn't know."

"Dawn, it wasn't exactly your business to answer his question to me." Buffy was angry and looking for someone to blame it on besides herself. Her hands went to her hips as she faced her sister just hoping that Dawn would give her the open that she needed to start a fight.

"Yeah, but Buffy, it was something that you needed to talk to him about. Before you talked to us." Willow interrupted the argument that was about to happen between Dawn and Buffy. 

"You had to have known how he would react." Xander chimed in his opinion not realizing that Buffy was feeling ganged up on as they all told her how wrong she was. 

"I do know how he is. And I have discussed it with him. Several times but every I bring it up he closes up and looks at me like he's wondering why he isn't enough for me. Then I feel guilty for even thinking about it." She shrugged her shoulders as she faced everyone. "I thought that if I had some possibilities to work with that he might agree to try. I didn't plan on a damn family meeting about it."

Then without another word she turned to follow Spike letting the door slam behind her. 

"Of course, it turned out this way. You can't fart in this family without everyone knowing it." Buffy ranted to herself as she followed the path that he took. She already knew where he was headed. It was to their bench. Well, it actually belonged to Mrs. Hannah Stone. The bench was at the end of her grave for her family to mourn her. But it had become their bench when Spike had found out about a fantasy she'd had of the two of them making love on it. It had since been used quite a few times since then by them. Both for sex and talking. 

Buffy was right about where he was as she spotted Spike sitting with his face buried in his hands.  She sighed as she saw his body trembling. It had never been her intention to hurt him but she had. With careful footsteps she moved toward him while he watched her through his fingers. He didn't move though as she took a seat behind him.

Over the years they had both tried to learn how to deal with their emotions. Buffy had to learn how not to run away when she was overwhelmed. And Spike had to learn not to react with anger when he became insecure. All she had to do was wait until Spike was ready to talk to her. The more hurt he was the longer it took. Sometimes all he could manage was a monosyllabic code that only she could understand. But it gave them a chance to reconnect until they were able to actually talk to each other.

Spike dropped his hands so they dangled between his knees. He had known for awhile that she wanted children but he hadn't allowed himself to even dwell on the possibility. The thought of having to share her with someone else tore at him. A child would become more important than he was to her. He felt as a vampire he couldn't be a proper father which would only create distance between him and the two of them. He would be the outsider again. And eventually she would be completely gone taking the child with her.  If he told her of his fears she would only dismiss them without taking them seriously. 

But he had to know exactly what she meant. What she wanted. He could feel her sitting behind him. He looked around the cemetery that he had already seen thousands of times. Nothing had changed as he tried to figure out what to say to her. Finally he resorted to his codes.

"Over?" It came out almost as a squeak as he forced the word out over the lump in his throat. Her hand came to rest on his back to let him know that she understood. That she understood that he was worried that she wanted a 'normal' relationship again.

"It is over." She answered him softly. "There is no one or anything out there that I want more than you. I don't regret my decision to be with you."

"Why?"

"I want more than what we have right now.  I know you don't understand but it's something inside of me. I want to have a baby."

"Leave?" This question tore at her heart as she realized how insecure she had made him feel. Quickly she stood to make her way to kneel before him. His hands were enveloped in hers as she kissed him tenderly. 

"No. I will never leave. I want our baby. I want to carry your child, Spike. Not anyone else's." 

His eyes came to search hers for the truth. As he saw the love there he began to relax some. 

When she saw him softening she smiled at him. It was a smile to let him see how sorry she was that she had hurt him. His hands came out to her waist to pull her closer to him. As long as she wasn't leaving he would find a way to deal. 

"I'm sorry, baby, about what happened. The guys didn't know what was going on. I thought you all would be watching the game for most of the night. And Dawn was supposed to be with Anya. The others were supposed to help me figure out how to do this." 

While she spoke he continued to gaze into her eyes watching for a moment of deceit. But it never came. He gently tugged her forward to hold her against him. When they were body to body he felt no fear of being alone. It was when she was away from him that he could feel the wall between them. However small it might be. And because it was there without explanation he could never let himself fully trust that she would always be there. 

"Spike, please? Can we try?" Her words were muffled into his shoulder as she begged him for the chance. If he refused to try then she would have to learn to live without ever bearing a child. There was no way that she would leave him like before or allow herself to become pregnant by another man's seed. And she knew that he would never allow that either.

"All right, Love." Spike gave in because he never could deny her what she wanted. But he knew in his heart that it would never happen. That they would never conceive a child together but he couldn't break her heart by telling her no. And maybe if they at least tried for awhile she could learn to let go of this. "Six months, okay? That's it." And he sealed the deal by giving them a time limit. Spike had no clue what would go into their 'trying' except having sex. Which they were already doing on a regular basis so it didn't seem like it would be that big of a deal. 

Buffy squeezed him around the neck as he agreed to try. If he was willing to try then maybe something would happen and she would become the mother that she wanted to be.

Spike held her tightly to him as she rejoiced in the news. He could only hope that he hadn't made a mistake in agreeing to this. 

Calmness enveloped the couple as they held each other. A new path in their lives had been set in stone that night. A path that neither of them thought they would ever travel.

TBC


	3. Montage of Tests

**Chapter 2 – Montage of Tests**

_January 6, 2007 – 11:30 PM_

Buffy had waited all night for him to come out of his study. The entire house had been paced by her footsteps as the nerves in her stomach made her unable to sit still. Tomorrow was the day that they were to begin their tests. But in order for one of her tests to be done they had to have sex tonight. And Spike was holed up working on his book. She hadn't told him about this particular test. Actually, she hadn't told him about any of the tests because she was afraid if he knew then he would stop cooperating. Finally, she stood in front of the door to his study with her ear to the door. The sound of rapid typing was the only thing that she heard. 

"Just knock on the door. It's Spike. The man…the vampire that you have pretty much done everything with that involves sex. Why are you so scared? Knock on the door." Buffy told herself as her legs moved in a nervous dance. As she finally raised her hand to tap on the door it was suddenly swung open. 

"What's going on? I can hear you and smell the fear." He cocked his head at her wondering why she would be afraid. Then he remembered what tomorrow was. The day for those tests of which no one had bothered to tell him what they detailed. The research he had done on the Internet had given him some clues. Clues to things he wasn't looking forward to.

Buffy looked up at him trying to figure out how to seduce him. Not that she had ever had to seduce him. Most of the time it only took a look to start the passion between them. But this wasn't exactly about love. It was a test to be gone through. 

"Spike, we need to have sex. There's this test that they have to do. But it has to be done after sex." 

She stared at the floor as the words nervously tumbled from her. When her words were met with silence she finally ventured a look up. He was smiling at her. Actually it could be called grinning. 

"What are you grinning about? It's not funny." Buffy crossed her arms as she pulled herself up to her full height. Then he laughed as the fire flashed in her eyes.

"Buffy, how many days have we gone without sex since we got together? For you to be nervous about it is a bit amusing." A blush burned across her face as he laughed at her again. Spike wasn't ready to give her a way out of this yet. "I know it's because of the test. Take your clothes off and lie on the couch. And we'll get the job done."

Spike stepped back to give her room to get past him. His arm gestured the way for her. The words he had spoken were done in sarcasm but Buffy hesitated only for a moment before crossing into the room. Carefully she made her way to the couch on the far side of the room. It was a massive piece of furniture that a person could get lost in with lots of pillows. It stood where his mattress had once been. The mattress they had made love on when she had returned from Dallas. That had been a beginning for them. This time would be a beginning too. This was one room they hadn't made love in since it had become his study. 

As Buffy sat gingerly on the edge of the couch she avoided looking at Spike. A laugh sounded again making her wince. Then he was there in front of her kneeling on the floor between her knees. His eyes searched her face then he sighed as he realized that she was half out of her mind with tension.

"Buffy, relax." He whispered to her softly while his hands caressed her from knee to bottom in long soothing strokes. Spike treated her with such tenderness it made her want to cry. Then his lips were there moving over hers. His tongue requested entrance to her mouth which she willingly gave. As his familiar touch took over Buffy lost her anxiety about this and became lost in the love he was giving her. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 7, 2007 6:00 AM_

Buffy sat on the edge of the exam table covered only in a hospital issued gown. They had been snuck in by Kate and her friend, Meg, who was a resident OB/GYN at Sunnydale Hospital. The room they were in was at the end of a long hallway of doctor offices. And since it was only six in the morning the place was pretty much deserted.

Spike nervously wandered around the room picking things up to play with. Anything to avoid the reason they were there. As he played with some scalpels he had found in a drawer he watched from the corner of his eye as Meg returned pushing a cart with some machine on it. Buffy turned to look at him as things began to progress to the actual doing of things. After putting some scalpels in his pocket for future use he turned to be beside Buffy.

"Okay, Buffy, the first thing we are going to do is a PCT. Postcoital Test. It's to see if any sperm are alive and present in your vaginal mucus.  I need you to lie back just like you do for your Pap Smears."

Spike's eyes widened as he watched her lie back, scoot down to the end of the table and put her feet up in stirrups. From watching television and movies he knew that women had exams like these but it was something different to watch one. Buffy's hand came out to grasp his as Kate proceeded to collect the sample she needed for the test. Watching what he considered as his property be examined like that was making his stomach churn.  

Kate laughed softly when she saw his reaction to what was going on. 

"You okay, Spike?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." 

When Buffy looked up to check on him she couldn't help but laugh too.  If a vampire could be green around the gills he was definitely trying for it. A look of relief crossed his face when Kate told Buffy that she could sit up.

"Okay, Buffy, the next thing to do is an ultrasound exam. This will give us an idea of the condition of your uterus and ovaries." 

Meg had Buffy lie back on the table then covered her lower half with a sheet as the gown was pulled up to expose her abdomen. Spike watched in fascination as they proceeded to smear gel on her then ran this device over her which showed the results on a screen. 

"If she was pregnant then you would be able to see the baby on the screen." Kate told Spike hoping that it would help him come to terms with everything. Maybe give him something to look forward to. He looked down at Buffy lying on the table. She looked vulnerable as they did their procedures on her. He squeezed her hand that was still clutched in his to let her know that he was there for her. His reward was a grateful smile from her. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 7, 2007__7:30 AM___

Buffy had gone into the bathroom attached to the room to get dressed again. Meg had already left with the samples and the film from the ultrasound to have them tested. Kate reached into a cabinet to grab a small cup from the shelf. 

"Okay, it's your turn." She handed the cup to Spike while she tried very hard not to smile. 

"And what am I supposed to do with this?" He refused to take the cup from her because he already knew what was expected of him. Maybe if he gave her a hard time she would forget this. So, when he asked he used his most evil voice.

"We need to check sperm quality and quantity. In order to do this we need a sample." Kate wasn't about to be intimidated by this vampire. She reached for his hand placing the cup in it.

"The Big Bad does not wank off into a cup." He let the cup fall on the floor as he continued his refusal of the test.

Kate knelt down to pick it up proceeding to throw it away. After giving Spike a disgusted look she reached for another one that was once again held out to him.

"Look this is necessary part of the process. We need to know if anything is….alive." Kate tried to persuade him to do his part.

Spike was about ready to make another rude comment when he saw Buffy standing just inside of the room. The lost look on her face made him forget his embarrassment at doing this.

"Oh, bloody hell. Fine." He snatched the cup away from Kate and headed toward the bathroom. Buffy moved out of his way as he slammed his way into the bathroom.  The two women exchanged quick smiles at Spike's behavior.

"Come on, Buffy. Let's head down to the waiting room and give him some privacy." 

Buffy nodded as she followed Kate from the room. They headed in silence down the hallway. It was becoming a little overwhelming as they actually started to work on this. Buffy just hoped that she wouldn't be pushing Spike too far with this. It was backing him into a corner and that scared her. The demon was still there in him even though it rarely made an appearance now. Spike had matured in a lot of ways over the years but there were still parts of him that were…not evil…but not quite human. 

One day there would be a trigger that would release that side of him.  She could only hope that it wouldn't be for a very long time. And that he would be able to keep himself from doing any damage.

Buffy sat across from Kate in the small waiting room. She only half listened as Kate gave her further instructions for them to follow. Suddenly Spike appeared in the door refusing to look up from the floor. He told Kate that 'it' was done then he turned and walked away. Buffy sighed as she stood up to follow him.

~~~~~~~~~~

_January 31, 2007 9:30 PM_

Willow handed Spike a cup of tea. But it wasn't any ordinary tea. It was a carefully concocted brew of herbs that were supposed to increase a man's sperm count. Surprisingly the tests that Kate had done had come out showing that he did have active sperm but the count was so low that it was almost nonexistent. And Buffy's tests had come out completely normal showing that there was no reason that she couldn't conceive. The focus had then turned to Spike being able to produce more sperm. 

"Drink this cup now. Then drink another cup every night before bed. Kate said that she would do another test in another week to see if it has made any difference." 

Spike looked from Willow to Buffy feeling like a lab rat as he took the cup from Willow. The whole thing had passed humiliating for him about a week ago. The urge to run was getting stronger every day as was the berating the demon was giving him. William wasn't faring too well at this point either. Logic told him that as a vampire he wasn't supposed to create innocent life but as Buffy's partner he felt like he should be able too. The insecurities that he had almost banished were coming back with a vengeance.

With one long drink he drained the cup then turned to head away from them. The only solace he seemed to have these days was in the lonely comfort of his study working on his book. Buffy and he were rarely talking about anything but the attempt to have a baby. They didn't even have making love anymore as that was reserved for special days of the month now. He regretted telling her that they would try. And on top of that he had given her six months for this. He groaned as he realized that they still had almost five months to go.

TBC


	4. Moments In Time

**Chapter 3 – Moments in Time**

_February 13, 2007__11:30 PM_

From the kitchen came the sounds of dishes clattering, pans rattling and muffled voices with laughter. They kept filtering their way into Spike's fugue state as he was worked on the latest chapter. A quick glance at the clock made him wonder who was here and what the hell they were doing at this time of night. The action in his head made him try to dismiss what was going on so that he wouldn't lose the mood of what he was working on. A few moments later the door was softly opened but he knew that if it was Buffy she would wait until he responded. So he didn't bother to turn around right away. But before he did the door shut again. 

The voices faded away but were replaced by the scent of cooking onions and green peppers. It tickled his nose making his curiosity grow as to what Buffy was up to. Finally abandoning any attempt of further writing he turned toward the door. A note had been taped to it telling him to stay there until Buffy came to get him. A smile flashed across his face as he imagined what she was doing. Tomorrow was Valentine's Day. Well, actually it was going to be in about fifteen more minutes. Then the smile became a grin as he realized that she was due in a few days so there was a possibility of romance.

Spike turned to straightening up his desk to keep himself busy until she came to the door. At midnight exactly there was a light tapping on the door. He was there before she was done announcing her arrival. The grin was wiped off his face when he saw her standing there. Buffy was clad in a floor length red velvet dress. The material clung to her like a second skin with the bodice dipping low to show generous amounts of her breasts. His eyes slowly moved over her from her bare toes to her hair that was swept up in a loose knot with tendrils curling around her face. She smelled like heaven too as she slipped into his arms.

"Happy Valentine's Day, baby." She whispered to him right before she nibbled on his ear. Then before he could respond she moved back. Taking his hand she led him to the dining room. She stopped in the doorway giving him the chance to see what she had done. The table was covered in white lace with rose petals scattered across the surface.  Placed around the room were white candles scenting the air with their fragrance. 

Spike walked slowly over to the table admiring the china and crystal champagne flutes that made up the place settings. Between their settings was a silver tray with a dome cover. Finally next to his seat was a wine bucket with a bottle of champagne chilling. 

"You did this for me?" His words were soft as he looked at her in amazement. The past month and a half had been so tense for them and this was totally a surprise. It was him that usually planned their celebration of this day. Suddenly she was behind him wrapping her arms around him.

"I love you, Spike. I know I haven't said it enough lately but I do." Buffy squeezed him gently then pulled back to guide him into his seat. The dome cover was removed to reveal two perfect omelets, hash browns and bacon. She giggled at the look on his face at what she had made.

"I've been going over to everybody's houses practicing. They are all sick of breakfast foods." 

His arm moved to rest across her back as she served them. Then when she went to take her seat he pulled her down into his lap. He reached across and pulled her chair and plate next to his. This was too much to let her get away from him. She shifted so that her bottom was on her seat but that her legs were draped across his. Together they popped the cork on the champagne.  

Spike wouldn't let her move from where she was against him. He took turns feeding them, sipping champagne and kissing between bites. The slit in her dress had opened to reveal the length of her legs giving him access to touching as they ate the meal. If it wouldn't have hurt her feelings he would have skipped the food and gone straight upstairs.

He was totally stunned at what she had done for him. It made him feel like he did when she had first come back. They had rarely made it out of bed for the first couple of weeks. Leaving only to eat and visit their family. It had been a time of laugher and making love and bonding. It was something that had been slowly slipping away as they had become comfortable with each other and their routines. 

He stood with Buffy still in his arms after he felt they had consumed enough of the food to keep her from being upset. 

"Grab the champagne." He told her as he swung her around so she could reach it. After it was in her hands they headed for the door. Tonight was going to be about them. And only them. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_March 6, 2007__1:45 PM___

Buffy waited until the stick confirmed her suspicions. She was ovulating and now was the best time for them to have sex. Spike was napping in their bed at the moment because they had been out late last night on patrol. Some vampires had desired to make trouble leading them through cemetery after cemetery before they had been able to take out the last one. And sunrise was only moments away as they had hurried through their door.

The calendar had already told her that today was most likely the day. But she couldn't relax until she had known for sure so she had forced herself from his side to check.  The tea they Spike had been drinking had raised his level some but Kate said it could also be because they were pretty much limiting their time having sex. The last time they had been together was on Valentine's Day. And Spike had been getting grouchier by the day. 

When she returned to the bedroom he was lying on his back on top of the covers clad only in a pair of faded jeans. One arm rested on the pillow behind him. Buffy climbed into the bed next to him then moved so that she was straddling him. After settling against his still sleeping form she pulled her t-shirt from her body letting it fall where it may. Then she leaned forward over him letting their skin come into contact. Kisses were slowly placed against his chest as she moved over him.

"Hey, what's up?" He whispered to her as she moved upwards to his neck. His hand tangling in her hair that brushed against him. Then as he remembered that today was circled on the calendar he stiffened up. She looked down at him in nervousness afraid that he would become angry. But then he relaxed as he pulled her down to kiss her. 

If he had to do it on command he was going to at least enjoy it he told himself as his hands caressed her back. He felt almost lonely as she led the way. Their touching was only to bring one goal. It was nothing but movements that were guaranteed to bring results. There was no spontaneity of passion. No laughter and love.

A little while later when he tried to lower her down onto him she had pulled back. His eyes were quizzical as she rolled them over so that she was on her back. A pillow below her hips as she positioned herself for him. Then he remembered when she had told him that this would be the best position for conception. Their eyes met in mutual understanding as he started to lower himself on her bringing a connection to this act that had been absent before. They realized that they both felt the loneliness. 

Spike leaned forward to kiss her before he began to move. 

"Its okay, Buffy, I want you to be happy." He tried to let her know that although he wasn't thrilled about a lot of this that she was still his first concern. That his love for her wasn't diminishing by these days. She would always be his heart even though hers wanted more than him. 

When he had moved off of her he continued to lie beside her. Kate had told her to stay in that position for at least twenty to thirty minutes. The comforter was lovingly pulled over her as he snuggled into her side. His head nuzzled on her shoulder.

"Thank you." She whispered to him as she kissed the top of his head. Their hands entwined across her belly.

"It's all right, love. I know how much this means to you." 

"I know it's not fair to you. You seem to be doing all the sacrificing right now."  Buffy wanted him to understand that she knew how much this was tearing him apart and that she appreciated it.

Spike moved so that he could look down at her. Tears were slowly falling down her cheeks as she looked up at him. 

"Don't cry. We'll get through this. Hopefully, you'll get your baby from it." 

He gently wiped the tears from her face.

"Our baby." She corrected him softly. "It will be our baby."

Her words were filled with so much love that for the first time he began to believe that there would be room enough for both of them in her heart. And with that he began to hope that this would lead to a baby for them. He lay back down against her as they begin to drift off to sleep together.

~~~~~~~~~~

_April 17, 2007__8:35 PM___

Over three months of trying had led to nothing. 

Buffy moved through the cemetery with a predatory air just hoping that something would appear. The need to use up her pent up anger and frustration was her driving force. The tension between Spike and her were almost at the breaking point. But what she needed and wanted seemed to be low on someone's list to take care of. After several hours of searching she only found one fledgling and one demon that had run from her. The fledgling was dust and the demon had gotten away. 

At midnight she finally turned for home hoping that Spike was in his study or had already gone to bed. His continual switching from tender support to whining about his frustrations was driving her crazy. Most days she could handle him but earlier she had found out that she wasn't pregnant again. She just wanted to be alone to lick her wounds in private. 

According to their agreement there were only two months left to try. She would honor that no matter how much it hurt. Because she knew that to push anymore beyond that would start to erode the very foundation of their relationship. Their promises to each other had always been honored. It was something that Spike demanded between them and she readily agreed. He had always kept his even when it was almost too much for him. Like now.

Buffy slipped through the back door trying to get a feel for where he was before she saw him. But he was there sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of blood in his hand almost like he had been waiting for her. He glanced up at her as she came in. Neither of them knew what to say to the other. She went to the refrigerator to get a soda before coming to sit across from him. 

"I'm sorry." His words were soft as he tried to reach her. He had found the tampon wrappings in the trash that afternoon. When she had left to go patrolling alone he had let her go knowing that her emotions were too volatile for a confrontation. As much as he hoped for her baby it was becoming more evident that he had been right. It was never going to be. And to hope was only going to lead to hurt.

"No, you're not. You don't want any of this." Buffy snapped at him wishing that she had just gone upstairs instead of sitting here. A fight was not really what she was looking for but the words had slipped out of her. She stood to get away from the hurt look in his eyes.

Spike followed her pinning her between him and the kitchen counter.

"What I want is you back."

"I haven't gone anywhere."

Spike reached up to move a lock of hair behind her ear. Then slowly his fingers trailed across her face coming to brush against her lips. His eyes glittered with the emotions filling him. 

"Yes, you have. I can't reach you anymore." His voice soft with pain from her wanting something he knew he couldn't give.

"No, what you mean is you don't have me fucking you everyday anymore. It always has to be your way. Your conditions." She pulled back away from him leaving his hand suspended in mid-air. Spike let it drop to his side as he contemplated her words. He knew that she was hurt and frustrated but it wasn't true. His eyes flickered down as her hands pushed against his chest. Then he looked back up at her as he grabbed her hands in his own. Just so that she would hold still.

"Everything that I have become is shaped by you. Everyday I deny who I truly am for you. Because this is the way Buffy would want it. Because being pure and righteous is the way I am supposed to be. Not the demon that screams at me to let him loose. Do not talk to me of conditions and who is giving up the most."

With that he let go of her hands to turn to walk out the door. Buffy stood in stunned silence as his words reminded her of how much he had changed. To not only love her but to fight on the side of good. When she heard the motorcycle start up she grabbed the keys from the counter, slammed out the back door and ran toward the driveway. He was just coming out of the garage when she got there.

There was only a momentary hesitation as he stopped for her. With a grateful smile and tears on her cheeks she climbed on behind him. Her arms wrapped around him as he took off. The night was theirs as he pushed the limits of the bike for speed. The three of them moved as one. The bike, Spike and Buffy. As they turned corners going too fast they would lean with the bike trying to keep from sliding. The wind pushed at them as the anger was left in its wake.

Spike took them along the coast road as if he was trying to chase the ocean. She clung to him even tighter as they moved along the cliffs. Here, together, they could feel the power of life around them. The power of their love between them. Here it was as he secretly wanted it. Just the two of them and the night. He wished that they could just keep going. That they never had to go back to the responsibilities, the family and the life they had created. Even as much as he loved that life occasionally it felt like a weight holding him back. 

Sometimes, just sometimes he wanted to let the demon loose just to feel one more time the way he used to. In the kill. In the fight. In the sex. But he knew that it would never be. Not as long as Buffy was there. Not as long as the family was there. Not as long as his soul and heart were still intact. Usually when these feelings and thoughts took him over he would go to find Buffy. To lose himself in her arms. There he found all the power and freedom he needed. But lately that had been taken from him so tonight he was just trying to outrun his demon. And was grateful because Buffy was there to remind him of what he had to lose. 

TBC

  
  



	5. Expressions of Time

**Chapter 4 - Expressions of Time**

_April 10, 2007__6:25 PM___

When Kate had gone into labor earlier the family, save for Tara and Anya, had gathered at the hospital. They had decided to stay at home with the children allowing their partners to stand in for them. As it was the rest of the family had crowded into the small labor room. Giles had stood on one side of Kate's bed while Dawn had taken the other side. Josh hovered behind Dawn while Buffy, Willow, Xander and Spike had taken up spots around the room.

Then the four of them had been relegated to the waiting room when Kate had progressed into the pushing stage of her labor.  In the waiting room Buffy and Spike had taken the chairs on opposite ends of the couch leaving it open for Xander and Willow.   As they all sat down Willow looked from one blonde to the other who were looking anywhere but at each other. 

They had both been happy and sociable while they had been in the room with the expectant family. As soon as they had walked out of the room the pair had lapsed into a tension filled silence. Xander glanced at Willow with a questioning look but Willow could only shrug her shoulders. As far as she knew everything had been fine when she had spoken with Buffy yesterday. Well, at least at that time she hadn't said anything was wrong.

"So, Spike, want to go find the vending machines? Get loaded up on drinks and snacks while we wait." Xander asked his friend as he stood. Maybe if Buffy and Spike were separated they could find out what was going on. All he knew was that Spike had been more edgy lately. They had gone out Sunday afternoon together to play pool down at Willie's. Their regular hangout since it had been transformed into more of a sports bar for demons and humans than the unsavory place of the past. Xander had been worried about his friend as he had started drinking earlier than usual and had been smoking again.

"Sure."  Spike didn't even glance at Buffy as Xander found out what the girls wanted. Buffy didn't seem to want him around anymore so he didn't bother to try to talk to her. If she 'needed' him she would come to find him.

As soon as Xander had finished talking to the girls the two men walked away from the waiting area and down the hall. Once they were out of sight Willow scooted to the end of the couch closest to where Buffy's chair was. 

"So, what's going on between you two?" Willow questioned her best friend. Things had been tense between the couple as their agreement was reaching an end, but now it seemed as if they weren't even talking.

"Everything is fine, Will." Buffy only glanced over at Willow before returning her gaze to the same spot on the carpet.

"No, it's not. Why even bother lying to me?" 

Willow got a smile for her prodding then Buffy shook her head as if to further confirm her reluctance to talk. Though, in the end, she finally opened up.

"He won't touch me at all. We don't talk and he stays in his damn study all the time." Buffy rushed determined to get it out.

"Why don't you talk to him? I mean, if you don't talk, maybe if you talk first, he would talk back." Willow babbled out trying to avoid the topic of touching. It wasn't like Buffy and she hadn't talked about their sex lives before but since Buffy wasn't getting any it didn't seem like a good subject.

"I do try."

"About something besides a baby?"

"Yeah, about patrolling, the house, his book, anything to get him to pay attention to me. All I get is a brick wall. Take last night, for example. He was watching TV and when I curled up next to him he got up and went to bed." 

Willow smiled at her friend. 

"Well, Buffy, you know why he did that?" Then after a brief pause Willow furrowed her brows to make sure that Buffy did know. "You do know why?"

"Well, yeah, because it makes him want to have sex. Which we can't do right now. But does all touching have to lead to sex. I mean, can't we just hold each other and stuff." Buffy crossed her arms in front of her as her voice went into a whine mode. She could handle touching him without it automatically leading to other things. Although, if she was honest with herself, touching that didn't lead to sex hadn't happened a lot in the past. Touching one another almost always led somewhere.

"Maybe he could if he was getting it. But he's not. And he's a guy and a vampire. So, it's double the horniness." 

Buffy laughed at Willow's explanation. It was true about the vampire issue. The sex was all wrapped up with the violence. That's why they preferred routine patrolling to just be the two of them. If the fight was good that night then the sex afterwards was even better. It seemed to be part of their very nature as a vampire and a Slayer. She had learned to accept it over the years. And as Spike had taken her to new places sexually she was even glad for it.  

"I don't know. Sometimes I just want to tell him that it's okay that I give up." She leaned forward to bury her face in her hands.

"You can't do that. If you quit now then you'll never know. Maybe this month or next month might be the time. You'll always wonder what would happen which will lead to big problems later on." Willow knew that Buffy would let it tear her up inside if she gave up. It was better to just hang on a little bit longer.

"What do I do then?" Buffy sounded almost lost when she asked. All she wanted was things the way they were before. It seemed sometimes like she was losing the only thing that was holding her together.

"Trust him."

The two friends turned to look at each other in silent understanding. As much as Buffy loved Spike sometimes she still had a hard time trusting him. To fully let herself go in his love. To trust that he wouldn't hurt her eventually. That he wouldn't leave her.

~~~~~~~~~~

"So, what's up?"

Xander waited until they had turned the corner of the corridor before asking Spike what was going on.  

"What do you mean?" Spike raised his eyebrow at Xander.

"Oh, come on, you know, the big silent treatment between you and the Buffster."

"You mean the one where she doesn't want anything to do with me unless I am trying to impregnate her or she is teasing me." Spike complained as the two walked toward the cafeteria. 

"It's that bad?"

"Yeah, like last night she comes crawling all over me knowing damn well we can't do anything. Then she gets in a snit because I get up and go to bed. I mean what am I supposed to do?" 

As they approached the vending machines Xander started to dig around for change in his pockets. Spike pulled out what he had and dumped it in Xander's hand.  

"Spike, you know how women like to cuddle. That's probably all she wanted to do." Xander offered his explanation as he started to put the money in the machines. When the sodas came down he handed them to Spike.

"Hey, I have no problem with the cuddling when I am not so horny I could gnaw on wood." 

The two friends broke out in laughter when Spike's remark caused a woman at the machine next to them to gasp. She gave them both a look of disgust as she hurried away. 

"Don't you think that Buffy might be feeling the lack of…closeness too?"

"She can do something about it. I can't."

A flush crossed Xander's face as he realized what Spike said.

"You mean she can…and you can't?"

"Well, yeah, she can. I don't think she is though as bitchy as she has been lately."

Xander laughed as he figured out what was really wrong with Spike.

"That's probably why she was cuddling last night.  Why don't you do it for her? You know give her a little. Relieve some of her tension and then maybe she can, you know, be a little nicer to be around."

"I can't believe that I am having this conversation with you." Spike dumped the sodas and chips that Xander had handed him onto a table then slumped into one of the chairs. "You of all people telling me to relieve Buffy of sexual tension."

Xander came to sit down across from Spike reaching for one of the cans of soda. After taking a drink from it he asked, "Why is that so strange?"

"Because you have always wanted her or at least you did before you finally got smart and captured Anya."

"Well, it's not like you never looked in my wife's direction." Then continued after a pause. "At least Anya said the two of you never actually did anything."

Spike shook his head to confirm what Xander was saying.

"No, we never did anything. Doesn't mean I didn't think about it. But I was living with Buffy at the time. And I knew Anya really loved you."

There was a silence between the two men for a few moments as they both processed the conversation so far.

"What am I going to do if Buffy decides to leave me? Like she did before." Spike's voice was filled with pain as his worst fear teased at his heart. 

"She's not. She loves you too much." Xander tried to console him because he remembered how much it had hurt when he didn't think he would get Anya back.

"Not enough, Xander, not enough. There is just something that is always there between us."

Spike blinked back the tears before they could even threaten to embarrass him. 

"You are just going to have to trust her."

With those words Xander stood and gathered up their snacks. Spike grabbed the remaining sodas before they headed back to the girls. Xander's last words echoed in his head but there was always that something between them that he couldn't get past no matter how hard he tried.

~~~~~~~~~~

_April 10, 2007__11:10 PM___

Buffy held the newest member of their family in her arms. Benjamin Rupert Giles had been born only an hour before. After being cleaned up he was now the center of attention among the family gathered there to celebrate his birth. Kate had allowed Buffy to hold her son before anyone else besides her and Giles. 

She cuddled the small bundle to her while she ran her finger down his cheek. The wonder of such a tiny being was overwhelming her emotions. 

"Thank you, Kate." Buffy smiled up at the infant's mother knowing what an honor it was to be able hold him so soon after his birth. After placing a kiss on his forehead she passed him to his older brother. 

Spike watched Buffy place the baby into Joshua's arms knowing that her heart was breaking. Once again she was only allowed to borrow the baby. It hurt him to watch this scene. One that would probably be repeated a few more times before this family was done. And each time Buffy would be left with empty arms. He wanted to hug her until it all went away. But how could he say the words to make it right when it was his fault. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_April 11, 2007__1:15 AM___

They had decided to do a quick patrol before they called it a night but the town was eerily quiet for a change so they decided to head home after only about an hour of walking around. 

Once they returned to the house Buffy moved to go upstairs while Spike went to his study to watch television.  He watched but didn't listen since he had the mute button on. Through the silence of the house he could hear her moving around. Hear the water running to fill the tub. He could imagine the sound of her clothes falling to the floor leaving her naked in the steam filled bathroom. The water parting to let her body slide into it's heat almost the way he wished he could slide into hers. 

He could remember the days when he would join her or sit nearby so they could talk. Back in the early days of their relationship some of their more emotional moments were in the bathroom. There were both good and bad moments that had shaped who they had become as a couple. He missed those times. He missed her. Finally, he moved to follow his heart up the stairs to stand outside the bathroom. The scent of her bath oil made him think of the way she smelled when he used to hold her. Then he turned without going in and went into their bedroom shedding his clothes. He slid between the sheets to wait for her. The temptation of seeing her that way was too much for him. 

These days he didn't even want to touch her at all. It only reminded him that he couldn't have her. So, he avoided her. All he could do was wait until this time was over. And hope that there was something left to salvage.

~~~~~~~~~~

She followed him through the door watching him walk away and into his study. A sigh moved through her as she noticed the slump in his shoulders. She knew he hurt and wanted to take it away, but if she did then she would never know if this or next month would have been the time.  It was almost over for her dream anyway. The acceptance of never bearing a child was becoming almost too real for her. All she wanted was to lose herself in his arms. To cry away the hurt and shame and anger. At her and at him. For neither of them being able to give life. If it was his fault than it was hers also. 

Turning away from his departing back she moved upstairs. After she turned on the water she poured bath oil into it, hoping it would soothe the ache that her body carried. It was almost as unbearable for her as him. Her hands slowly removed her clothing while running her hands across her flesh wishing that it was him touching her. There weren't even touches made in passing anymore. No more cuddling. Or passing each other in the hall to only end up pinned against the wall while he growled into her mouth. His body pressed against her. These things would only lead to things that they couldn't do. So, they didn't touch.

She lay back in the water while the tears ran down her face. Back before when she had thought he was harmless she had never thought that he would mean so much to her. The only thing that made sense in a senseless world. His love the only constant in her life. The only one strong enough to follow her into her hell and bring her home. The only one that stayed even when she left. But he was the one who had also taught her that you had to follow your dreams. Run them into the ground to appreciate what you do have. She just hoped that her dream didn't take him from her.

Finally when the water was cold she climbed out of the tub barely registering what she was doing as she dried off and put her pajamas on. After brushing her teeth she straightened up the bathroom before heading for their room. Spike was sleeping curled on his side as close to the edge of the bed as he could. Buffy moved to her side of the bed picking up her pillows then turned to leave.

"Where you going, pet?" 

Spike rolled over to see what she was doing. Buffy paused in her steps to look back at him in the dim light.

"I was going to go sleep in the spare bedroom." The words fell over each other as she squirmed beneath his gaze. Unable to look at him she stared at the wall behind him.

"Why?"

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. She knew why but she just didn't want to tell him the reason. That she wanted to cry until there were no more tears. She wanted to cry loudly in great hiccupping barely breathing grief for what she was finally accepting would never be. That she knew that he was tired of everything that was happening between them. That he loved her but didn't want to deal with it anymore. That she realized that he was right and she had been foolish for even trying. So, she stood there not saying a word.

Spike tilted his head in that way of his as he watched her.

"Well, love, that doesn't seem like a very good reason so why don't you come back where you belong." Even though he was saying it in a teasing manner there was an edge to his voice. It was one that she recognized but right now she needed emotional release of some sort. Whether it was a good cry or a fight she didn't care right now.

"Spike, I just want to be alone right now."  

Buffy turned to walk out of the room waiting for his reaction. He didn't disappoint her.

"Buffy, get back here now."

"No." She was halfway down the hallway when he grabbed her arm to pull her around to face him. His eyes were filled with anger as he stared down at her. Then without a word he began to pull her back toward the bedroom. For a moment she gave her choice a second thought then let it go. Buffy wrenched her arm free from him then pushed at him. 

Spike couldn't believe that she was doing this. It was as if by speaking his fear had brought it to life. If she stopped sleeping in their room it was only time until she moved out of the house. After only a moment of watching her walk away he went after her again. This time he turned her pushing her back into the wall. After all the months of denying all his needs his mouth went to hers. He kissed her with all of his angry need for her.  At first she didn't do anything only accepted the bruising pressure against her mouth.

Then she pushed against him sending him into the wall behind him. They faced each other as they lost the hold between them. The past came back to them as they began to fight. She slapped him only bringing retaliation from him. As the movements brought them down the hall they were soon standing next to the precipice of the staircase. But neither of them was thinking clearly and they never figured out whose punch it was that took them into nothingness. 

As they hung in space the horror of the past few minutes hit Spike full force. His arms reached out for her as they tumbled down the stairs trying to protect her with his body. When they reached the bottom she came to land on top of him. For a moment they laid there not knowing how to repair this. Or even how to take the first step.

"You okay?" His voice was gentle in his concern. "Buffy?" He called to her again when she didn't say anything. 

She moved to crawl off of him without saying a word. He scrambled to his feet to be able to face her. But she still didn't say anything as she turned to walk back up the stairs. Not knowing what else to do he followed her. He waited as she picked up her pillows on her way to crawl into their bed. 

Buffy lay on their bed wishing she had never tried to leave. When she had wished for a fight it wasn't one like that. Just some good screaming that they were so good at. Their anger and hurt was much deeper than either of them was admitting too. Otherwise it never would have gone so far. He stood still in the door watching her like he was on the outside again. 

"I'm sorry. Come to bed." 

He moved to crawl in next to her pulling her back against him. 

"I'm sorry." He put a kiss on her shoulder while running a hand down her arm. "I just didn't want you to leave."

"I know. I just wish things were the way they used to be between us," she whispered to him as she shifted so that she could look up at him. But as he kissed her softly they both knew that it would never be that way again. Every illusion of their love was being shattered by the reality of their life. As they fell asleep in each other's arm they both hoped that they could find a way to go forward.

TBC


	6. Runaway Train

**Chapter 5 – Runaway Train**

_May 21, 2007__7:15 PM_

The two men sat beside each other at the table with a comfortable silence between them. Their attention was focused on the infant that Spike was holding. Benjamin waved his tiny arms while blowing bubbles in appreciation for the attention that was being bestowed on him. A finger was run along the inside of his arm finally coming within the reach of his own fingers and his little fist wrapped around the digit offered grasping it with all the strength his eight pound body held.

"Yeah, you are going to be a big tough Scoobie one day, aren't you?" The Big Bad asked in his version of baby talk that was a cross between his usual English growl and a high pitched panic voice. 

Giles smiled at the vampire holding his son so close. The first time that he had seen his one time enemy holding a child a chill had gone through his body. He knew Spike's history and the evil he had caused. The mayhem he could create and the fear that he had wrought upon innocent lives was not lost on the watcher. But neither was the fact that love and time had changed Spike on a fundamental level. Now, instead of hurt he brought tenderness to the youngest members of the family. 

"Here." Kate said, walking back into the room bringing a bottle of formula for Benjamin. 

"Thanks." Spike took the bottle from her outstretched hand. "Here you go. Don't want the baby to go hungry." His attention turned to the squirming bundle in his arms as he brought the nipple to the infant's mouth. Spike made cooing noises when the bottle was hungrily attacked. "That's good isn't it? You just eat it all up."

"Have you ever told Buffy how much you want a baby?" Giles gently asked already knowing the answer. Buffy had visited alone earlier that day causing him to wonder why they hadn't come together but the misery on Buffy's face had told him everything he needed to know.

Spike looked briefly at Giles in surprise.

"I don't."

Giles sighed and pulled his glasses off to lay them on the table.  

"Spike, it's obvious how much you love the children. It would only be natural to want one of your own."

"It's not something I should want because of the things I have done." He laughed harshly and added, "Or should I say who I have murdered."  This time he looked up to hold Giles gaze. "And she doesn't need my guilt on top of everything else."

"Did you ever think that maybe if you talked to her. Told her what you're feeling it would help her to understand your reluctance? To let her know it has nothing to do with her." Kate injected her opinion to the conversation. Over the last couple of months Buffy had been confiding in her about her relationship with Spike. She would never break the trust that had been placed in her but if she could figure out a way to help she would.

"Why would she think that my not wanting a baby has anything to do with her?" Spike turned to Kate with confusion in his eyes. It didn't have anything to do with Buffy. The only reason he felt that he should want one was for her. Because she deserved to be a mother despite whom the father would be.

Spike shifted Benjamin onto his shoulder putting the almost empty bottle on the table. With gentle pats he tried to get the infant to burp away the excess air.

"Think about it. Why wouldn't a man want to have a child with his…woman?"  Kate asked trying to lead him to Buffy's fears without revealing too much.

"I don't know." 

A quiet burp interrupted his thoughts as he shifted Benjamin back into his arms. 

"Why haven't you ever married her?" This wasn't the time for gentleness as Giles threw the whole thing on the table. By this time everyone knew that the couple was having troubles in their relationship and something drastic had to be done before they walked away from each other.

Kate stood as soon as she realized that Giles could handle this. She held out her arms for Spike to put Benjamin in them and after settling her baby against her she leaned over to kiss Spike on the cheek, whispering good night to him. 

As soon as she left Spike turned to face the man he thought of as a father.

"Because I am a vampire or have the whole bleeding lot of you forgotten that minor detail?" 

Giles rested his forearms against the table pinching his nose while he decided how to proceed. But in truth, there was really only one way; direct with total honesty.

"When was the last time that you fed from a human? And I'm taking about for food ending in death for the victim."

"Almost seven years. That doesn't change anything." Spike stood to get away from the brutal honesty in the other man's eyes. "I'm dead. A corpse. Do you want Buffy married to that? Because I don't."

When Giles laughed Spike turned to look at him.

"My God man, you and Buffy are already so married it puts the rest of us to shame." Then he sobered. "You took her back when she left someone who was alive. You fought for her with everything you had. Being a corpse sure as hell didn't hold you back then."

"He didn't fucking deserve her." 

"And we all agreed you did. So did she. She came back to you. Because she loves you." Giles stated, placing emphasis on the last four words. "Spike, you're 130 something years old. Grow up and settle down. She needs it and you sure as hell want it. You own a bloody house. You have all the paperwork to make it legal. This damn reluctance of yours, these excuses of being dead, is making her feel like she isn't important enough to you."

With trembling hands Giles picked his glasses up and slipped them back on his face. This was the first time he had interfered in Buffy's relationship with Spike like this. At first he had fought their being together as his reasoning was the same as Spike's current misgivings but Giles had been there to witness the changes in the creature before him. Sometimes it startled him when he almost forgot that he was a vampire. His habits so much of a human that it made them all forget sometimes. 

"Did she tell you that?" Spike asked his voice barely above a whisper.

"She didn't have to."

~~~~~~~~~~

_May 21, 2007__11:47 PM___

Before he had left Giles house Spike had called Buffy to let her know that he would do patrol before he came home. He needed time to think before he saw her again as the other man's words had torn through his heart and left him questioning the life he had. They could forget. Buffy could pretend. But he couldn't. He lived with the demon inside of him wanting to reassert its authority. The soul barely could contain it at times. And he knew there were times if it wasn't for the chip that he might have lost the battle.

He sat on their bench smoking a cigarette. That was a battle that he had lost. The cigarettes had been banished for years then in the last few months he had given in to temptation again. The comforting burn in his throat and lungs like a familiar friend when he sometimes felt he didn't have any.

Tonight was one of those times that he felt lost and alone again, similar to the time when he first was chipped. Then he had learned what it was really like not to belong anywhere. He couldn't be a vampire and he was no longer a man. His identity was found, established and shaped by a beautiful blond girl and her friends. The very ones he called family now. 

There were no regrets because each battle, each hurt and each rejection had led him to where he was now.  To her arms. To her love. To these people burned in his heart. Each moment fought for became all the more sweet now.

Spike stood, dropping the cigarette before he ground the burning butt out with the heel of his boot. It was time to head home. 

The walk was short as he hurried through the cemetery. He hesitated for a moment as he surveyed his home. The lights burned a welcome home for him. Solid beneath his touch, this was his sanctuary as no other place had been. Its presence was not dependent on a whim of the heart. 

As he walked through the back door she was sitting at the table. Buffy was eating her way though a pint of ice cream while reading a magazine. As soon as she saw him the magazine was closed and placed beneath another one. 

"Hi." She smiled up at him with only a hint of something besides love in her eyes.

"Hello, Love." Spike ran a hand down her hair as he kissed her softly. This he could never tire of Buffy waiting for him and for his touch.

He came to sit beside her at the table. His hand reached over to move aside the Cosmopolitan magazine on top to pull out the one beneath. American Baby. He glanced briefly at her when she looked away from him, an expression of guilt on her face as she realized that he had seen her try to hide the magazine.

"It's okay. You don't have to hide it from me." 

Her eyes widened at his words. Lately she felt anything to do with babies had to be hidden from him. Ever since the fight they had both avoided anything confrontational between them.

"I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize either, pet." 

"Well, gee aren't we being just magnanimous tonight. What happened? Did you have an epiphany on the way home? See the light?"  Her words were sarcastic in her attempt to hide her vulnerability. The egg shells they had been walking on for so long had become comfortable and this gentle and sweet Spike was a stranger to her. Someone she didn't know how to handle. And was afraid would leave again.

"Yeah, as a matter of a fact it was at this very moment. Don't forget what a bitch Buffy is." 

Spike pushed away from the table unable to hide his hurt.  Her spiteful words destroyed his plans of making things right with her. It seemed like he would never learn. As he stood he felt something cold hit the side of his face. He glanced at her now standing beside him with the spoon clenched in one hand. She had childishly thrown ice cream at him. 

"And in times like this I wonder why I ever wanted to keep my demon under control." 

Her gasp made him realize that he had spoken aloud. Her chair scraped across the floor as she moved away from him but his hand wrapped around her wrist and he pulled her to him. 

"Spike, come on. I'm sorry." There was actually a trace of fear in her voice as she struggled against him. But he was determined as he reached his hand out to grab the spoon away from her. It was flung backwards in the direction of the sink. Then his arm snaked out around her waist bringing her body against his. 

"Lick it off now." 

The hand that had held her wrist moved to wrap itself in her hair. With a gentle pull to let her know who was in control he shifted so that he was bringing her face to his. Buffy squirmed in his arms trying to break free but his anger had given him the rush he needed to hold onto her.

"Lick it off of me."

"No! Damn it, Spike, let go of me." 

Her body thrashing against his brought his body to attention. When she realized that she froze momentarily before resuming her efforts. This time she was going to fight him with everything she had. But he was ahead of her walking her backwards into the wall pinning her there. This time her head was pulled back so that he could look down at her.

"Are you going to lick it off? Or am I going to have to hurt you?"

Buffy stiffened as his words hit her. But then she saw something in his eyes that changed everything. 

"No, I am not going to lick it off. Go to hell." She only prayed that she was right as she refused to give in to his demands.

She was right.

Spike brought his face down to rub against hers, smearing the ice cream between them as his hand slipped under her shirt. His fingers played against her rib cage tickling her unmercifully. 

Buffy giggled under his torture bringing their bodies together again and again. Her face turned from his as he continued to smear the ice cream all over them.

As his assault continued she decided to change the rules. He had relaxed as he moved against her giving her the edge she needed. She pushed Spike in the chest, sending him back enough to escape. He growled as she took off running down the hall with him behind her. As she slipped on an area rug he pounced bringing her down with a whoosh of air from her lungs.

"Give it up. You are going to lick this crap off of me before the night is over."

Spike moved so that he was straddling her body. Not putting his whole weight on her he sat on her bottom. He quickly divested himself of his duster and t-shirt as she tried to turn over. Her efforts were stifled as he bounced against her sending her into the floor with each one.

"Now, now, pet, you were a bad girl and Spike is going to have to punish you." He growled into her ear as he lay against her back.

"Wake up because you are dreaming again." 

With a push of her hands she came up throwing him off of her enough so that she could crawl out from under him. He laughed as he let her go because she was going the direction he wanted her anyway which was upstairs toward their bedroom.  As she started up the stairs he caught her again rolling slightly so that she landed on him. 

"I am wide awake." He told her as he rubbed his erection against her hip. She stilled as he moved against her.  "It must be you dreaming." 

He rolled them so that she was below him sprawled face down on the staircase. Her momentary loss of movement didn't faze him as he flung one leg over hers to keep her steady. His hands moved to pull her shirt up so that he had access to her back. They moved against her flesh as he undid her bra.

"Spike, we can't." She whispered to him in a tortured breath. The last thing she wanted to do was break this mood but her last ovulation of the agreement was only four days away. She could almost feel the hurt from him as he stopped touching her. She closed her eyes as the tears threatened. 

She felt him move over her again welcoming his weight as he settled on her. His mouth kissed her shoulder moving to nuzzle her neck. His tongue flicked along her ear making her moan in response.

"Let go, Buffy. Trust me just for tonight. Can you do that?"

Somehow he knew of her reluctance to lose herself in him. That she had to always be in control because she didn't trust him enough to always keep her safe. That he wouldn't always put her first. With it so open now how could she refuse his request for that trust? To hurt him was the last thing she wanted. 

"Yes."

That was all he needed before he continued what he had started. He moved back again so that he could continue his assault on her back. This time his mouth joined his hands as he felt her relax. A smile crossed his face as he kissed her between her shoulder blades while his hands moved across her waist.  His fingers slipped beneath her undoing the fastenings of her jeans.

With an upwards movement her hips allowed him to tug her jeans down. He sat up for a moment to finish pulling her jeans off. Then his hands pulled on her to bring her over. When she did her hands reached for him, desperately wanting to feel him. To have her hands moving somewhere useful instead of the scratchiness of the carpet. He grabbed them and tenderly pulled her to a sitting position. His hands came to finish undressing her while her hands reached for him again.

"No." He took her hands and stretching over her moved them so they lay behind her. "No touching."

His kiss came unexpectedly to her and as he moved his tongue feverishly in her mouth his body rubbed against hers. Buffy pushed to bring closer contact between them as all thoughts of abstaining were lost as her lover brought back all the need she thought they had lost.

"I need you." She whispered in his ear as he moved the weapon that was his mouth from hers. It began to attack her throat moving its way down her body.

"No. It's only four days. And I am not going to be the one to mess things up." He told her as he returned to nuzzling her neck. As his hands and mouth moved over her Buffy fought to keep her hands above her. The need to return the turmoil he was causing was overwhelming. 

Then everything froze as she sensed him vamp out. His fangs broke through her skin and Buffy's first reaction was to push him away before she remembered his request for trust. So, she waited. He drank for only a moment before he returned to his human guise, gently licking the puncture wounds.

Spike never looked up or apologized for his action but continued down her body. Once she had made the decision to trust him she relaxed in his arms. His lips, tongue and teeth returned to pleasing her. 

It was almost better than the first time they had been together. She was careening out of control and he greedily pushed for more.

He felt the power move through him as he took her to the edge. No one had ever reached her this way before him. He was the one who broke through her inhibitions; the one who had taught her it didn't matter what they did as long as they both wanted it. That she wasn't a bad girl for giving in to her needs and being able to vocalize them.

Spike pushed her to her limit not being satisfied until she had reached her peak several times before he moved over her. He came to rest on her as she came down. His hands moved around her back to hold her. As he felt her breathing return to normal he wondered how long it would be before she said something about biting her. It wasn't something that was planned. Everything tonight had happened in a moment's blink. It was a runaway train that couldn't have been stopped. 

Her hands moved across his back feeling the smoothness of his chest against her. The place from his bite still tingled. It was the bite that had made her lose control like never before. It had sent waves of pleasure through her. And even though it had scared her for a moment he hadn't broken her trust. He hadn't hurt her. She pushed him back so that she could look up at him. 

But she couldn't summon all the words that she wanted to say for his unselfish loving of her. It was a sacrifice for him to give to her but be unable to take. She reasoned that was why the demon had emerged.  Brought forth from his tortured emotions and unsatisfied need for her.  

"I love you." She whispered to him as her hand caressed his face. 

Spike's relief was evident as he realized she wasn't going to yell at him about the bite. 

"Always, Buffy," he said as he kissed her on the forehead, "Always." 

TBC


	7. Languid Pain

**Chapter 6 – Languid Pain**

_June 6, 2007__4:45 PM_

Buffy placed her hands on the headboard of their bed and slowly stretched. It was an awkward movement because she couldn't disturb the lower half of her body. Spike and she had just had the last sex of the last ovulation of their agreement so her bottom was propped up on the pillow, a position that she had come to hate with a passion and would never willingly assume again.  

A smile slowly crossed her face as the last week filtered through her mind. Spike had been a changed man since the night he had made love to her on the stairs, constantly taking care of her every need. She had been loved, massaged, cuddled, and talked with. 

The only down side had been when she had hesitantly brought up extending their agreement.  His response had been an immediate and firm no. Buffy hadn't pushed her luck hoping that there wouldn't be a need for it and if there was a need, maybe at a later date he would be willing to try again.

Buffy turned as Spike came back through the door holding the cordless phone to his ear. 

"Okay, Barney, it will be in your office next Thursday. Okay?" Spike was speaking to his publisher who had called a few minutes ago. "Bye."

After hanging up he placed the phone on the nightstand then came to lie on the bed beside Buffy facing the opposite way with his feet propped on the pillows and his head near her feet.

"Is everything all right?" Buffy asked him gesturing toward the phone. 

"He just wants the rough draft by next week." Spike explained as his hand slipped under the covers to caress her thigh.

"Will it be ready?" 

"It should be but I will probably have to be hidden away a lot." He said as he flipped the cover aside to expose her leg to him. "With some conjugal visits to help keep me focused."

"Oh, married and never told me? So, I'm nothing more than your mistress?" Buffy asked in mock hurt. 

Spike leaned over to place a kiss above her knee while one hand continued to stroke the flesh of her thigh.

 "What can I say?  I've always been bad." He replied with a flash of a wicked grin.

Buffy giggled at his words but as his tongue moved behind her knee the giggle became a moan. 

"Buffy? We do have the all clear after this?" Spike asked as he shifted his attention further down her leg, her ankle now the recipient of affectionate nips from his teeth. 

"The cycle is pretty much done. This was the last time."  Buffy sputtered the words out as he moved his tongue to the arch of her foot.

"Good, because we have a lot of missed sex to make up for." He explained as he sucked her big toe into his mouth.

"Are we going to do this make up sex all at one time or are we going to space it out some?" 

Buffy squirmed as his tongue and teeth returned to the arch of her foot and his left hand slowly caressed her calf. 

"Well, I don't know, Love." Spike answered as he put her foot back on the bed. His eyes slowly moved over body making her shiver in anticipation.  "You know, I was thinking a little oral gratification twice a day for the next year would be nice?"

"For me or for you?"

Spike sat up then moved till he was on his hands and knees facing her. With deliberate slowness he placed one hand and leg on each side of her so that he could crawl up her body and watched her eyes darken with desire. Once he was positioned over her torso he leaned down to kiss her with a hard possessive kiss. After breaking from her lips his mouth danced across her neck then down over her chest. It was only after the covers were down around her waist did he stop. 

"Both at the same time. You than me. Or me then you. Whatever happens to feel good at the time," he finally answered her while keeping his eyes on the rapid movements of her chest as she breathed heavily with need.

Buffy never took her eyes from Spike as he watched her. It never ceased to amaze the innumerable expressions that shone from his face as he loved her. Everything that was in his heart was there for her to see and it humbled her that it was only for her.  Almost as if he knew what she was thinking he looked up at her and smiled. 

"And to make up for everything," Spike seductively whispered as he placed a hand on her side before letting it wander leisurely down her body until he cupped the curve of her bottom. "Maybe a trip to where no man has gone before would be in order."

"And still no man will go." Buffy laughed up at him as she pushed his hand away from her. At first he pouted before he changed tactics.

"I promise you'll enjoy it." He told her seductively as he began to nuzzle her neck. "Just say yes."

Her hands tangled in his hair as he licked and nipped at her throat.

"The only time you'll get a yes is when I am old and senile and don't know what I am agreeing to." She told him breathlessly. 

He laughed into the curve of her shoulder.

"That will be great. By then I won't be able to find what I am looking for. I'll get lost trying to move the yards of wrinkles that hang down to your knees."

"Thanks a lot Mister I'll Always Be Beautiful." Buffy joked as she shoved at his chest. If he kept playing she wouldn't have the strength to resist him long enough to get through the rest of the time allotted for the pillow.

He took the hint and crawled off her but he didn't go far as he came to lie beside her.  Her hand searched for his until they were clasped together and she brought them to rest on her stomach as they lay contentedly next to each other.

A bittersweet feeling filled her heart as she realized that it was possibly over for them having a child. If she didn't get pregnant during this cycle it may never happen. A part of her heart closed itself off as she feared the wait over the next two weeks. If she didn't harden a part of herself the wait might drive her crazy.

"Spike?" She called to him softly afraid to break the silence between them.

"Hmmm, Love?" Spike had been almost asleep enjoying the sated feeling of his body. It hadn't felt this good in a long time between them.  After considering the words of his friends he had taken their advice, focusing his attention on Buffy in the last week to break the tension and she had responded accordingly, relaxing under his care and giving more back to him.

He turned back onto his side so that he was facing her again and stared into eyes that were dark with emotions as she studied him. 

"Is everything okay? Are we okay?" Buffy asked him in a need to reaffirm their commitment to each other. During the past week under his thoughtfulness she hadn't doubted them at all but once they moved from this bed things would change again. The agreement was over taking with it all the rules they had lived with for a half a year. They couldn't go back to the way they were before because they weren't the same people. This time had changed who they were and they would have to find a new way of going forward.

Spike twirled a lock of her hair before he answered her.

"I love you, Buffy. You know that. Things have been rough lately but it will be okay. There are things we need to talk about but later. After we know where we stand." He tried to give her the reassurance she needed the best way he could. The conversation he had with Giles had started him thinking about their future but he wanted to wait to make decisions until he knew if she was pregnant or not. The answer they got in two weeks would pretty much determine which way they went. But no matter what happened he knew his future was with her.

"I don't know what I would do without you." Her voice was filled with desperation at the fear of losing him. Spike had become so much a part of her that she didn't think she could remember how to walk if he wasn't there. 

"You won't ever have to find out." He declared before he kissed her softly but it quickly deepened as they both needed reassurance from the other.

"Hey, is anybody home?" 

They pulled apart as they recognized Clem's voice calling to them from downstairs. Buffy rolled her eyes at the interruption as Spike yelled out to him that they would be downstairs in a moment. Spike sat up to look for his discarded clothes. The only thing he could find was his jeans which he pulled on but gave up on his shirt and grabbed a clean one from the drawer pulling it over his head as he walked to the door.

"You going to come downstairs?" He turned to ask Buffy before he left the room.

"Yeah, I'll be down as soon as I am done here," She answered after a quick glance at the clock before adding hopefully as her stomach growled, "Maybe he brought food." 

As soon as the appointed thirty minutes was over Buffy hurriedly threw on some jeans and Spike's discarded t-shirt that she had found.  As she started down the stairs, she pulled her hair up into a pony tail and followed the sound of voices into the living room. The two friends sat cross legged on the floor playing a game on Spike's new PS3. She noticed happily that there were plates of food sitting beside them on the floor.

"Hi, Clem." Buffy said as she walked into the room heading for the demon with an appreciative air. 

"Hey." Clem called over his shoulder without taking his eyes of the action on the screen. "There are wings, pizza and one of those Greek salads you like in the kitchen."

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Buffy laughingly told her friend as she hugged him from the back. She planted a noisy kiss on his cheek before turning to head into the kitchen.

"Can you still not satisfy her, man? Cause she is coming on to me again."

Spike waited until he gotten through the door for the next level before he responded.

"I told you to go for it if you think you can take her from me." He deadpanned before taking a bite from a slice of pizza. It had become a joke between them over the years as Clem had become almost a member of their house. He still lived in Spike's old crypt with an open invitation to come to the house whenever he wanted. The wall that had previously been torn down to create an entrance from the crypt to the basement of the house had been made into an actual doorway. 

"Thanks and I love you too." Buffy called out from the direction of the kitchen making the two men laugh. 

Soon she wandered back into the living room taking a seat on the couch. A plate of pizza was put on the couch next to her while she started to devour her salad. Earlier she had been too nervous too eat as she had waited for Spike to make love to her. There was almost a feeling of relief that it was over so they could get back in touch with themselves and each other.

"I get to play the winner." She announced between bites of her food.

Clem and Spike both turned to look at her before returning to their game. Buffy was notorious for not having any coordination when it came to playing the games. She was great when she was fighting but the games she couldn't handle. 

"Gotcha." She told them letting them know that she was joking with them. It was good just to relax with Spike and Clem. It would be hard but she decided then that she wouldn't let the next two weeks be a time of frustrated waiting. She couldn't control the outcome so the only thing she could do was let time reveal itself. Until then she was going to concentrate on Spike and their relationship.

_June 13, 2007__11:20PM___

The vampire grabbed Buffy's hair flinging her with it over a tombstone. She fell on her side on top of the cold marble before sliding off into the grass. The vampire kicked out toward her while she rolled away from it. Buffy was quickly on her feet as she sparred with the demon intent on making her night miserable. He deflected her arm when she tried to stake him then punched her with his other arm.

Buffy doubled over as he struck her. Now, she was angry. She came back up surprising him and soon his dust was falling to the ground. As she started to walk back toward the house a sudden pain ripped through her lower abdomen and her hand came to rest on the source.

"No." She uttered as the pain became a familiar cramp. Her mind refused to accept the inevitable as she hurried toward home and by the time she came through the back door there no denying it. She could feel the warm stickiness of blood pooling between her legs as the cramps continued. 

Her mind registered the still closed door of Spike's study as she bounded up the steps. The first thing she did was call Kate telling her hysterically what had happened in the cemetery. It had to be her fault for patrolling. If she had stayed at home it might not have happened. The guilt was overwhelming her even though Kate assured her that it was just her period starting and not a miscarriage. The logical side of Buffy knew that she was right but the emotional side needed an excuse for not being pregnant.

Finally calming a little she bid Kate goodbye and headed for the bathroom. All she wanted to do was scream until there was nothing left inside of her that hurt. She climbed into the hot shower automatically going through the motions of washing and as the last of the shampoo was rinsed from her hair she leaned against the wall letting the tears come again. 

Then Spike was there with his hands turning her into the comfort of his body. Her arms wrapped around him while she buried her face against his chest and as her sobs became louder he held her tighter.

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm so sorry." Spike whispered to her, at a lost as how to help her. The first thought was to tell her that they would keep trying but he knew they needed some time before that happened. Their relationship needed to be strengthened so that the next time they wouldn't hurt each other as much.

He slowly sat in the tub with Buffy cradled between his legs. His hands smoothed her hair back from her face as the water continued to spray down on them unnoticed. Time seemed to still as they were cocooned in the smallness of the shower. His hands gently stroked her back as she let her hurt and disappointment out. 

When her tears had slowed to sniffles against him Spike stood bringing her up with him grabbing a towel to dry her off. Buffy stood still as the towel was rubbed against her skin. It didn't seem to matter what happened anymore. She turned around when Spike told her to so he could dry her hair. Finally he left her there so he could get her some pajamas and when he returned he helped her dress in them as she moved the way he asked her to. 

Spike was scared as she seemed to be lost to him and unwanted memories of times when she couldn't cope flickered through his mind. That time when Dawn had been snatched by Glory and when Giles had adopted her. Times that Buffy in order to cope with her overwhelmed emotions had become catatonic or self destructive.

Once she was dried off and dressed in her pajamas he led her to their bedroom kissing her gently as he got her to lie under the covers. 

"I'm going to go get you something to drink." He told her softly brushing her hair back before he left.

When he reached the kitchen he snatched a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Although he didn't like her to drink too much when she was upset tonight seemed like a good night for exceptions. A large dollop of the alcohol was added to a cola for her. 

A sound upstairs made Spike look upwards at the ceiling. Buffy was pacing making the floorboards squeak. He finished mixing the drink and hurried back upstairs. 

He stopped in the door to watch her move from one end of the room to the other. She was talking to herself as the tears fell down her face again. She stopped her pacing as soon as she saw him standing there. Spike moved into the room so that he was standing across the bed from her.

"Come on, Love, let's get back into bed." He coaxed her as she eyed him warily.

Buffy threw her arms up in the air as she looked at him.

"I don't understand. What did I do wrong? Did the gods just bestow misery on me when I was born?" She was bordering on hysteria as her ramblings became more incoherent. "Haven't I done enough to deserve a little happiness? I mean is there some reason why I'm not good enough to be a mother?"

"Buffy, calm down and we can talk. Okay?" Spike said trying to break through her ranting.

But she ignored him.

"And is there some reason that you're not good enough to be a father? What's wrong with you? Angel is a father." As soon the rambling left her mouth she knew she had said the wrong thing. She didn't need to see Spike stiffen to know she had hurt him. "Spike, I'm sorry. That came out wrong."

His eyes echoed the hurt her words had given him and he watched as Buffy knelt on the bed crawling toward him.

"No, it didn't. Actually, pet, it is crystal clear now." He said enunciating each word carefully. He stepped back away from her outstretched hand. "No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love you, I will always be second in your heart."

"No, Spike, that's not true." Buffy reached for him again as the tears filled his eyes.

"Yes, it is. Buffy. We both know it is. That is the something that has always been between us. Him. Angel." Spike practically spat out his name in his hurt. "I will never be good enough. I accept that now."

He reached a hand out to cup her face. His thumb stroked the tears from her eyes.

"I love you." Buffy told him as her hands wrapped around his arm.

"I know you do. But I think you were right from the beginning though." 

"About what?" She asked in confusion not understanding where he was going with this.

"Love just isn't enough."

Then he carefully put the drink on the nightstand and turned to walk out the door away from her.

TBC


	8. The Distance Of The Heart

**Chapter 7 – The Distance of the Heart**

_June 14, 2007__1:15 AM___

"Damn you and all your insecurities." Buffy screamed at Spike's retreating back while throwing pillows uselessly toward him as he continued to walk away. Once she realized that he wasn't going to turn around her screams quieted to a hoarse cry of, "I need you. I need you."  She bent over in the bed burying her face in the covers letting them absorb the tears that seemed to never end. 

The last few weeks seemed to be almost a dream as the pain threatened to engulf her. This night had brought her brief fog of happiness to an abrupt end. First her dreams of a baby had shattered when her period had started and then Spike misunderstanding her words about Angel. It was almost like he was looking for a reason to be angry because she couldn't see how the words could have hurt him that much. The two vampires had become uneasy friends over the years not having much choice as they were members of the same makeshift family. There was no reason for any jealousy to remain seeing that Angel and Cordy had married almost three years ago and Buffy was living with Spike.

Buffy hadn't felt this lonely in years as she cried into their bed. Usually if she needed comfort and he wasn't around she could find a marginal substitute by crawling into their bed. By burrowing into the comforter with her arms wrapped around his pillow she could surround herself with his scent thus being able to pretend that he was there. That he was taking care of her. But tonight even that small pittance of reassurance was unavailable to her.  The only thing that would make her feel better was him holding her. To tell her that he loved her and that they and everything else was alright.

Finally the storm she was lost in began to abate as she seemed to run out of tears. Her grief slowly transformed into anger, an intense white flame burning in her as she thought of what he had said and done. After five years of living together for Spike to even think that he wasn't first in her heart was ludicrous. She had lived with him and loved him never asking for proof of their relationship. She accepted them as they were even while everyone around them had gotten married.  Even Angel had done the ceremony, albeit it was at Cordelia's insistence, and Buffy, sure as hell had never brought that up to Spike in an attempt to change their situation.

The anger motivated her to crawl out of the bed to look for him.  Buffy was intent on finding out was really bothering him and to set things right between them. Two weeks ago he had told her they needed to talk but had wanted to wait to see if she was pregnant or not, well now they knew, and it was time to talk. She was tired of this constant turmoil between them. Although she had to admit that when they were first living together the fighting was almost a game.  A game that had its own set of rules which always led to passionate making up but it wasn't that way anymore. They had both learned over the years too many secrets and too many ways to hurt each other. The fighting was now a mine field that one wrong word could lead to hurts that were difficult to heal.

As Buffy came down the stairs she spotted him sitting on the living room couch. She sighed as she looked at him with his face buried in his hands. The anger she had been feeling dissipated when she saw his shoulders shake with his own grief. As it was with him, Spike didn't know how to cope with his extreme emotions, and had turned to lashing out at her as a way to deal. Even though he had never said, Buffy knew that he had hoped that they would have a family of their own. The failure of their efforts had hit both of them but it was different for him because it was his body that had refused to give the life force they needed. The demon that was a part of him left him in doubt of his ability to be a good father which only intensified his hurt and previous feelings of ineptitude, solidifying his beliefs that there was something wrong with him.

The only light in the room was from the floodlights that stood as sentries around their property but they cast enough light into the room so that she could see where she was going. So, Buffy didn't bother to turn on any lights as she made her way toward Spike, who once sensing she was near, had wiped the tears from his face. Despite that precaution, Spike immediately covered his face again as if he thought that not looking at her would make her disappear.

"Spike," Buffy spoke softly uneasy about pushing him. It wasn't a fight that she was looking for but an honest talk and she wasn't sure how to start the conversation. There were so many things they needed to talk about but first she needed his attention.

When he didn't respond, she called out to him a little louder than before. When he still refused to speak to her, she shook his shoulder slightly as the anger began to build again. If he would just acknowledge that she was there then she would let him decide how to proceed, but his unresponsiveness was leaving Buffy frustrated.

"Leave me alone." He finally said through his fingers. He felt the anger coming from her but still refused to look at her. The loss of a child that was never meant to be had finally registered with him when she had inadvertently compared him to his grand sire.  It felt like everything he had been refusing to acknowledge in himself had been thrown into the light as soon as she had said Angel's name. It wasn't really Angel or Buffy's previous relationship with him that was tearing him apart. It was his own sense of self that was hurting him. 

He had spent the last five years categorizing who he was only to find out they were all dependent on each other. He, Buffy and the others spoke of him as if he was divided into William, Spike and the demon, some sort of freakish split personality. But it wasn't that way. They were all one being unable to survive without the influence of the other.  The past six months had served to give him constant reminders that the vampire was an indelible part of him and not a separate entity that could be hidden away. It was this knowledge and the continuous battle to control that side of him that was wearing Spike down enough to give into the temptation of who and what he really was; an evil creature of the night. 

"Please talk to me." Buffy beseeched him trying to remain calm as she knelt in front of him. Her hands wrapped around his wrists as she tried to pull them away so she could see his face. His eyes would tell her what she wanted…needed to know. Only then, after gauging his hurt, would she be able to approach him. 

Spike allowed his hands to be pulled away and hoped that she could handle the confusion that warred in him. Maybe if he could tell her everything there was a chance she would understand and it wouldn't be so hard to fight anymore for what he really wanted: the persona he had created and worn since he had returned to Sunnydale. But it seemed that the fates had other things on their mind that night instead of a vampire and his Slayer in need of heavenly intervention.

At first relief flooded Buffy as Spike's hands came away from his face. But that relief was short lived when she saw the look in his eyes. The coldness reflected in his brilliant blue orbs reminded Buffy of their first confrontations as mortal enemies and a curl of fear settled in the pit of her belly.  The warmth of the man that she loved was nowhere to be seen causing her to drop her hands and back away from him. 

"Please don't do this to me…to us. It wasn't said the way you took it. You know I love you." Her words pleaded with him as she misunderstood the reason for his lack of emotion. It was almost as if he had taken a switch and turned off a part of him. 

Contrary to Spike's lack of emotion a multitude of emotions passed through Buffy simultaneously: fear, compassion, anger and most of all love. If there was some way she could make him realize that he was always first then maybe he would be able to fight through the grief and whatever else was taking him away from her.

Spike stood so they could stand on the same level. A part of him screamed to just tell her what was going on within him, that she loved him enough to fight the demon with him. Another part however, whispered to him to remember the last time they had lived with the demon; to remember the night that he had almost destroyed her in a fit of torment, pain and rage. The night that had forced him to see who he really was for the first time and to seek out his soul to help keep the demon locked away. The pact still remained between them, the promise he had forced her to make, that if the demon was ever in control again that she would destroy him. 

The whisper choked out the scream and Spike chose not to let her in on his struggle, leaving him with only anger to keep her safe from him. He didn't realize that in choosing this way to keep her at a distance, he would deprive Buffy of his humanity that she needed to feel safe.

"I'm not doing anything to you or to us. I've just realized that maybe I have been living in a dream. A dream where you could truly love me as I love you," he stated flatly. 

"Where have I been for the past five years? I've been with you. Only you. You are who I love." Buffy told him emphatically, praying that he would listen to her.

"Only because he won't have you." Spike replied to her yet hating the words that were meant to hurt. 

"No, I'm here because I love you. You are the one I want to spend my life with." Buffy moved closer to him. If she could touch him than maybe the love she had for him could be communicated. But he only stepped back at her advance. 

Spike turned towards the hallway as if he was trying to get away from her. If he stayed to listen to her pleas then he might let his walls down and that was something that he didn't want to do until he knew he could defeat the part of him that would destroy everything they had.  In a perverse way he knew that she wouldn't leave him, no matter how bad it got, because they were too entwined together. All he needed was time to deal with it then once he was free he would be able to give her all that she wanted. And if in the end he lost to the darkness he would rather her hate him, giving her the fighting edge, than be shattered by his lack of strength.

"Stop, don't walk away from me. We need to talk. Seriously talk." Her voice was rising with her emotion. If he walked away from this then she would follow him. Continue to follow him until he finally listened to her. Spike stopped then slowly turned to face her again.

"When have ever really talked? Buffy, we live together, we shag, and we put on this great front as a couple but underneath we know the truth. That if he walked through that door asking you to go away with him than you would go. Wouldn't you?" Spike's spoke coldly as he tried to push her emotionally away from him.

"You bastard, how could you even say that?"  She cried to him not understanding where the man of just yesterday had gone. The more that she hurt the more she needed him and it seemed the further he slipped from her. She took a step closer to him without thought only following a need to be close to what would soothe her.  Now that she knew that it would always be just the two of them she found herself willing to do whatever to hold onto him, even if it meant losing her pride. 

As she reached out to him Spike's hand was suddenly covering her mouth while his other hand reached out to grab her arm. It took only one pull until she was flush against the body that only a moment ago she was craving but now she struggled to free herself from. It was an automatic response to the way that he had suddenly grabbed her. 

"Damn it, woman, hold still. A car with no lights just came up the drive." Spike whispered into her ear. She stopped her struggles as soon as his words penetrated through her anger and her eyes automatically went up to meet his as she waited for him to take the lead. In that instant, their fight and internal struggles were all forgotten, as they became just a man and a woman in possible danger, ready to defend what was theirs.  Once their eyes made contact and he was assured that she was going to follow his lead he dropped his hands from her. Taking charge he started to move toward the window, Buffy right behind him with a finger through one of his belt loops to keep him close. His left arm was protectively behind him as if creating a wall of safety for Buffy who walked on her tip toes in order to peek over his shoulder.

After moving the curtain aside and being certain that whoever was out there was not in the front or side of the house, Spike headed for the kitchen. As he passed their fireplace he grabbed the solid brass poker then continued toward the rear of the house. Buffy matched her strides to his so that she could keep up. They hesitated at the doorway so that Spike could quickly look into the room to make sure that someone hadn't magically teleported in there. 

"I'm going to head straight for the refrigerator for a barrier, okay?" He whispered to her so that she would move quickly. Their kitchen had windows all along the wall facing their backyard which would make them an easy target if they stood exposed in front of them. 

Buffy nodded her head to let him know that she understood then when he said, "Now", she took off running behind him until the appliance was at their backs. Spike peeked around the side so that he could look at onto the yard. As soon as his back was to her, she leaned her face into the coolness of it making him stiffen for a moment. There was nothing on that side of the yard for him to see so he turned causing Buffy to back into the handles of the refrigerator.

"Sorry, love." Spike said while his hand went to her waist to reassure himself that she was okay. Her eyes came up to meet his filling him with a guilt that tore at him as he saw the emotional hurt still lingering in their depths. For a moment he leaned his forehead against hers as his fingers gently kneaded at her side. 

Buffy, at first, was unsure how to handle his gentleness but needing it like the air she breathed finally moved to take his lips on her own. At first there was no response only their lips resting against each other but he slowly started to caress hers with his own. They created a soft friction that slowly ignited a smoldering ember. His tongue moved to separate her lips as she moaned against him and as he leaned into her to take this another step, the creaking of a board on their porch pulled them apart. In their need for the other the possible danger had been forgotten. 

Reluctantly Spike moved away from her to the other side of the refrigerator which was his original destination before being distracted. When he leaned around the side he saw a small sedan pulled almost up to their back steps.

"Damn it, the grass was just growing the right way." He muttered to himself as he crouched to hide behind the counter.  The back door was only a few feet away but waddling made it a slightly longer journey. As he reached the protection of the higher cabinets and a solid wall he stood but motioned Buffy to continue to crawl to the other side of the door. Once she had passed by the door she stood as she was also hidden behind cabinets.  Then he tossed her a meat cleaver from the drawer so that she was armed. 

"When I count to three open the door." Spike whispered to her as he raised the fire poker across his shoulder as if it was a baseball bat. Buffy nodded her head while reaching for the door handle with one hand and the cleaver raised in her other hand. 

"One, two, Now." Spike said mixing up the signal causing Buffy to open the door with a grin on her face.

"Aaaaah." The woman standing poised to knock gave a small scream as she saw the man about to attack her. Then as recognition dawned on both of them, Spike threw his weapon to the floor as the woman launched herself at him. Laughing he caught her and pulled her into an embrace rocking them back and forth as they hugged each other.

Finally he put her back down so her feet were on the floor again. 

"Donna, how the hell are you?" Spike gushed as he stared at the woman who had helped him on his to journey to regain his soul and, along the way, had developed a personal interest in him. An interest that had once been pursued but never fulfilled. His hands still rested on her waist as he welcomed her. 

She laughed up at him as Buffy glowered at the two of them. How dare he welcome this woman into their home and hold her in his arms? Buffy found herself filled with jealousy as she watched Spike with the only human woman besides her he had shown any serious interest in.  Dawn had filled her in on their date and the open invitation Donna had left him with.

"Excuse me but what the hell is going on?" Buffy said interrupting their still lingering hug. Her arms crossed around her middle as her jealousy turned to fury. If this woman didn't let go of Spike soon then she would find herself on her backside out in the middle of the cemetery.

Donna had the good grace to step away from Spike looking from Buffy to Spike then back to Buffy.

"Hi, you must be Buffy. I'm Donna, an old friend of Spike's." Donna introduced herself putting her hand out for it to be shaken which Buffy blatantly ignored.

"I know who you are. What I don't know is why the hell you're here?"  

Buffy moved forward to position herself between Spike and the object of his current good mood. He smiled as Buffy defended her territory. It sent a thrill through him to know that she was willing to fight for him but it also bothered him that she didn't trust him and she was being impolite to someone who had once helped him.

"She is as feisty as you said she was." Donna smiled over Buffy's shoulder at Spike as if they had a secret that didn't include Buffy.  Then she stepped back until she leaned against the counter.  "I'm here because I need a favor from both of you."

"I don't think so. Actually I think you need to leave." Buffy rudely told her. There was absolutely no way she was going to let Spike do anything for her. It never occurred to her that she was acting as irrationally as Spike had done earlier about Angel. This woman had only briefly been in Spike's life when they had been apart. And from what Dawn had told her nothing had happened between them that would justify this jealous tirade.

"I think we need to hear her out. I know that Donna wouldn't just show up in the middle of the night without a good reason." He placed a hand on Buffy's shoulder squeezing it slightly to indicate that they needed to give Donna a chance.

Buffy shook his hand off of her shoulder.

"I don't care. We have something else that we need to deal with." Buffy told him as she glared at him over her shoulder. His eager acceptance of this woman at their back door asking for a favor was only fueling her anger. Before her arrival she had been practically begging him to just talk to her only to be refused. Now, all Donna had to do was show up and he reverted back to being in a generous mood. If anyone was to be the recipient of his kindness it should be her.

"Buffy, back off, I owe Donna a huge favor and we will hear her out." Spike commanded as he put his hand on her shoulder again. "Let's all go sit at the table." 

At his words Buffy stiffened up as he embarrassed her in front of this woman. The fact that Donna realized her predicament shown by a sympathetic smile behind Spike's back only hurt her more. As they moved to the table there were footsteps on the back porch again. They all turned to look to see who was there. When Spike and Buffy saw the three figures standing in their doorway they turned to each other in confusion then turned back to face the new visitors.

A large man stood there holding a boy of about five and standing next to them was a girl of about fourteen. The two children stared openly at the new people in their lives.

"I'm sorry, Miss Donna, but he said he had to go to the bathroom and couldn't wait." The man spoke.

"Its okay, Max, come in." Donna replied gesturing them into the house. This time once they were in she closed the door behind them. "Raven, why don't you take him? It's down that hall on the right."

The girl nodded and took the boy from Max's arms and set him on the floor. Then taking him by the hand she led in the direction Donna had indicated. 

Once the bathroom door had closed behind them Donna turned to Buffy and Spike. 

"Max, this is Buffy and Spike. Guys, this is Max, he works with me." The three being introduced quickly shook hands and made the appropriate comments to the other.  After they were done they turned to look at Donna again. "I was going to explain things to you before you met the children but it looks like things never go according to plan. Spike," she smiled briefly as she met his eyes before turning to Buffy, "Buffy, I came here to ask you to adopt them."

TBC


	9. Wishes At Night

**Chapter 8  – Wishes At Night**

_June 14, 2007__2:35 AM___

Shocked silence filled the room after Donna asked if Buffy and Spike would adopt the children. They could only stand there attempting to absorb the magnitude of the question, not yet able to comprehend the ramifications of such a decision. But before either could even look at the other to gauge their feeling or even utter the question as to why them, the objects of their mutual stupefaction returned to the room. 

They stood hesitantly in the doorway waiting for someone to show them what to do. Their eyes were filled with curiosity as they looked first at Buffy and Spike then the room around them. While they were taking everything in, their perusal was returned by their potential new parents. 

The girl was tiny, about an inch or so shorter than Buffy, with the same delicate bone structure. Her hair flowed around her in riot of red that was so dark that it was almost black. It was her eyes that defined her though, huge in the alabaster of her skin, shined in an almost supernatural color of indigo blue. Her anger and defiance at the world was clearly evident in the clothes that she wore as armour around her.  The t-shirt, three sizes too big and knotted around her waist, proclaimed her allegiance to the current music scourge while her jeans worn almost to the point of being nothing but threads hung low on her hips. Her feet were encased in a pair of old sneakers with a worn spot where her big toe peeked out of.

The boy kept one arm wrapped around his sister's leg and his face against her hip in an effort to give him the allure of being safe. He also had delicate bone structure while his dark hair curled tightly against his head. Whatever had happened to bring them to this place in their life had clearly marked him as his thumb was being worried vigorously by his mouth. His eyes, unlike his sister's, were a very human shade of gray. After looking at everything in the room his gaze came to remain fixated on Spike who returned his fascination. 

Buffy followed the child's eyes to Spike who stood beside her finding them in a mutual admiration society. She smiled as she turned back to look at Raven only to have that smile wiped from her face as she was the recipient of the girl's venomous gaze. A shiver ran down Buffy's spine as the hatred from Raven was like a black cloud intent on swallowing the slayer whole. She forced herself to look away into the eyes of Donna who seemed to look upon her with pity. Every instinct she had as a Slayer went on alert as the feelings of being threatened in her home rose in her. 

"Maybe we should get the children settled into a room then the rest of us can talk." Spike said as he finally broke gaze from the boy to look at the others in the room. The brother and sister looked about ready to fall asleep where they were standing. His concern for them rose unbidden through his being like something that had always been there, dormant, waiting for the chance to be used.

"I'm not a child." Raven declared her focus temporarily removed from Buffy so she could glare at Spike.

"Sing another tune, princess, I'm not listening." Spike told her in a voice meant to brook no protests from the girl. Their eyes met in a mutual understanding of who was in authority causing her to smile shyly at him. She was glad that he was the one in charge not the woman who was chosen to kill demons. This situation that she and her brother found them in was not what she wanted. To live with a Slayer would make her hated among her kind.

"Actually that sounds like a good idea." Donna seconded Spike's decision leaving Buffy to feel even further out of the situation even though she had been asked to be the mother of these two.  

"Come on, I'll make sure the sheets and things are clean." Buffy finally spoke up not liking the feeling of being left out of her own home and more importantly out of sorts with Spike. Especially with this woman here that was ready to take her place. 

The two children as well as Donna and Spike looked at her in surprise. Buffy jutted her chin out in defiance as she looked back at them in determination. This was her man, her home and these new people were not going to usurp her place. As the others looked away Buffy met Max's eyes who looked at her in support and she felt some of the tension slip away. Someone understood her dilemma and didn't think she should back down.

Spike moved across the room toward the children coming to squat in front of the boy.

"Hi, I'm Spike. What's your name?" He inquired.

"I'm Elijah." The response was given around the thumb still in his mouth.

"I bet you're tired. Would you like to go to bed?" 

Spike held his arms out to the child who after contemplating the request for a moment, nodded his head, detached himself from his sister and stepped into the waiting arms. Once Spike had the child settled on his hip he stood looking for a moment at Buffy before turning toward the door. Raven followed reluctantly behind not really wanting to go but knowing that her brother wouldn't sleep unless she was there beside him.  Buffy trailed behind the small parade that made its way up to the second floor. Spike stepped aside so that she could move into the guest room to turn down the covers. After she had pulled back the sheets, Buffy excused herself to get pajamas for Raven and a t-shirt for Elijah to wear to bed. 

Raven had told her that their things were in the back of the car but in need of being washed. She had reluctantly agreed to Buffy's offer of clean things to sleep in but there was a small glimmer of thankfulness in her eyes at the generosity shown her. 

Max came upstairs carrying their suitcases just as Raven was moving toward the bathroom to change. Surprisingly she only grabbed her toothbrush then headed for the bathroom still clutching the borrowed pajamas. Elijah also clung to his borrowed nightclothes knowing that they belonged to the man who was helping him change into them. After Raven returned to the room she found her brother's toothbrush and held a hand out to him but he refused by shaking his head at her.

"I want Spike." He insisted grasping his hand in Spike's. 

Buffy watched in fascination as the vampire she loved became mush under this child's admiration. He took Elijah to the bathroom to help him brush his teeth. Her eyes closed as the tears threatened because this had been a fantasy replayed a million times in her head with their child. A child that came from her body. Then as a cold feeling came over her she opened her eyes to find Raven glaring at her again. She smiled at her trying to reach through this hatred she didn't understand but it seemed to have no effect. 

After the two siblings were finally curled into one another, the boy already more asleep than awake and the girl pressing her nose into his back, the adults turned the lights off. Then while Max headed downstairs Buffy and Spike went to their room to change into more appropriate clothing.  Buffy changed from her pajamas to a pair of jeans and a shirt while Spike pulled a t-shirt on over his jeans. There were only glances between them as they changed both too lost in their own thoughts to want to share them yet.

When they returned to the kitchen Donna and Max were sitting at the table with cups of coffee in front of them. 

"I hope you don't mind that I made coffee. It's been a long night." Donna remarked gesturing toward the pot of made caffeine. 

"That's okay, pet." Spike reassured her with a smile. 

Buffy looked from one to the other as she poured herself a cup of the rich smelling coffee. After she fixed it to her liking she joined the others at the table where Spike reached over and took a sip of her coffee. He had never developed a liking for the stuff but it seemed like it might be needed through the rest of the night.

"So, who are they? And why did you bring them here?" He asked as curiosity filled him about the children who were already important to him.

"They are here because I know that the two of you can accept them and protect them." Donna started before being interrupted by Spike.

"How did you know the two of us are together? And who are they in danger from?"

"A vampire who seeks out his soul in order to fight on the side of good is a bit unusual. The Guardians have kept a distanced watch on you." Donna smiled at him.

"What right do they have to watch him or us? I thought, you people, were there for good demons in need of help. Demons like Spike, not to spy on them." Buffy interjected angrily. The thought of someone they didn't know chronicling them pushed against every privacy button she had. The Council had encroached on her life enough to hate every organization that felt they had the right to interfere in her life.

"Like I said it was a distanced watch not an all the time kind of thing. Spike is very unusual and the fact that he is with a Slayer is even more cause for curiosity. It's just a check every once in a while to find how he is doing and stuff." Donna explained as her voice got smaller with every word until at the end she looked down into her coffee cup which clued Buffy into what had really been going on.

"It wasn't the Guardians checking on him, it was you." Buffy announced as the signs clicked together. 

Buffy's suspicions were confirmed as a flush slowly crept over Donna's face but then she mustered her dignity and raised her eyes to meet Buffy's gaze directly. 

"Yeah, it was me." Donna confirmed. "But it was to make sure he was okay. That he was happy." 

The two men looked away from them as they silently made an understanding about Spike. That he belonged to Buffy but that she had to understood that Donna would always be there if he needed her or if Buffy ever left him alone. 

"So, back to the children?" Buffy asked to get them back to where the conversation should be.

"Their parents were killed three months ago by demon hunters. We have been hiding out since then as a vacationing family. But they need stability and when I thought of the two of you we headed west."

"They're demons?" Spike asked.

"Their father was human and their mother was Lankasha. A race of mystical creatures…" Donna started.

"Bastard race of fairies." Spike finished for her.

"Huh? Lankawhat? Fairies?" Buffy asked in confusion not letting the soft laughter of the others bother her. She had dealt with a lot of things as a Slayer but fairies so far had been off the table. Spike looked at her with a smile.

"Lank-a-sha. Quite a few centuries ago a female fairy and a male elf decided they wanted to be together which wasn't allowed by the fairy court. Their union made them outcasts. They left in disfavor followed by others who were tired of the old rules. Rumor has it they have an enchanted village in the Appalachian Mountains. That place has become a refuge for others like them and the different branches have been so pooled together that the individual races can't even be distinguished anymore." Spike explained to her. "So, now they are known as the Lankasha, the mixed ones."

"You're telling me that fairies and elves and stuff actually exist?' Buffy squeaked out.

"Yes, Love. And so do vampires and demons and werewolves." Spike joked.

Buffy swatted him on the shoulder exchanging a look with him shared only by two people who have loved each other for a long time. Breaking the gaze, she turned back to Donna.

"So, these Lankasha, are they evil?"

"No, they're not. Actually to have one live near you is rumored to bring good luck because of all the different magicks that are running through their blood." 

"Why would demon hunters want to kill them? I mean if they don't do evil, why would anyone want to harm them." Buffy was slowly shifting into Slayer mode again not only because of the children and the situation but for those that were hunting them.

Donna and Max shared a weary look then Max picked up the tale.

"In the past year or so a faction of demon hunters has appeared calling themselves the Soldiers of Light. They are attacking and killing anyone that is not pure bred human in their eyes. Also on their list as expendable are humans that choose to love and be with non-humans." Max looked between Buffy and Spike to make sure that they understood that not only Spike would be on their list but so would Buffy for loving him. 

"And when they kill humans, like their father, why is no one making arrests or anything?" Anger coursed through Buffy as she thought of these humans judging other beings by their own warped sense of what was right or wrong.

"The problem is that they are highly trained soldiers use to covert operations.  Most of them were once part of a government operation to control demons and local police can't compete with them." 

"The Initiative." Buffy and Spike said in unison exchanging a look of frustration that it might have lived on in another more dangerous form.

"Riley." Buffy's hand went to cover her mouth as the thought that he might be involved in something so vile. She hadn't heard from him since his last stop in Sunnydale with his perfect little wife in tow and had no clue where he might be. Or what he might be up to. 

"Then you know about these people?" Max asked. "But who's Riley?"

"Yeah, we know the Initiative. They are the ones who put the bloody chip in my head. And Riley was her ex." Spike answered hating to have to even utter the other man's name. In a way he hoped he was involved in this group so that he might have a chance to bring Captain Cardboard down. And hopefully humiliate the man in front of those that used to think he was so wonderful. 

"We haven't heard of any Riley in their group." Donna offered.

Spike turned to look at Buffy noticing the relief on her face and a twinge of jealousy moved through him at the thought that she might still care for him. But this wasn't the time for selfish motives and he turned back to Donna and Max.

"So, you think these guys are eventually going to catch up with them?"

"Yes, hopefully not for a while but eventually I would say yes. Raven saw her parents murdered and can identify several of them. Donna felt that if they were with you two, they would be understood for their blood and protected by you also." Max explained.

"Do they know who we are?" Buffy asked. "That Spike is a vampire and I'm the Slayer?"

"We told Raven everything and Eli as much as we felt he could handle." Donna said. 

"That's why Raven has some hostility toward you, Buffy, because you're the slayer. She doesn't understand the whole concept of what you do and doesn't fully trust that you won't hurt her."

The conversation turned somber as the four spent the next couple of hours discussing the children, what had happened to their parents and what they had gone through since it had happened.  If the children stayed where they were, every scrap of information was needed so that Buffy and Spike could help them adjust and most importantly protect them. It was almost six when Donna finally stretched her arms behind her and yawned while looking out the window.

"It's going to be light soon and we really need to be on the road. So, after everything, do you want to take them in?" She looked from one to the other and waited for a response.

"Yes, they are staying with us but how, I mean, Buffy and I aren't married and the whole legal thing."

Donna fished a card out of her bag and slid it across the table toward Spike.

"Call Morgana Langley." She nodded her head toward the card. "She's a family lawyer that does a lot of work for us and will be able to help the two of you out.  Your call will be expected. She has all the contacts that you will need to get this legalized."

Spike picked the card up and slid it into the pocket of his shirt. 

"So, we are going to get married?" Buffy squeaked out in disbelief that Spike was making these decisions so calmly.

"Looks like it." Spike chuckled at the look on Buffy's face. 

Buffy not quite being able to adjust to everything as quickly as Spike seemed too stood and walked across the kitchen where she came to rest with one hip against the counter.  She stared contemplatively at Spike as she pondered that he not only wanted to adopt the children but was also willing to marry her to do it. All the things he said he didn't want as a vampire and the reason that she had once turned to Richard for them he was now going to do.  His decisions tonight were contradicting everything that he had stood by in their relationship.  

Her thoughts were interrupted as she realized that Max was standing beside her. His hand came to rest on her shoulder and he looked at her with concern in his eyes.

"Are you okay with this, Buffy? If this is too much for you say so." He gently asked her. "No one is going to blame you for not jumping on this with open arms. It is quite a bit to handle."

Spike turned to look at her meeting the curiosity of her gaze. In his eyes she could see the jealousy that Max's closeness to her was causing but it was overshadowed by the warning that he was giving her, the one that let her know if she turned the children away that he might not be able to forgive her for it.

"It's fine, Max. The children stay." She smiled at him hesitantly then turned to look defiantly at Spike and Donna. There was a voice inside telling her that Donna would end up as Spike's wife if she didn't agree. If she wanted to keep him that she would have to learn to share him with the two sleeping upstairs that for some reason had taken his heart.

Donna and Max slipped upstairs to say goodbye to Raven and Eli while Buffy and Spike waited downstairs for the two to return in silence. Buffy busied herself with washing the coffee cups and the pot while Spike sat the table checking his hands for only he knew what. As it was earlier there were quick glances between them but the time wasn't ready for them to talk.

The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon when Donna and Max finally left with hugs and promises of keeping in touch. The new parents made their way upstairs where they checked on the sleeping pair before heading to their own room. Buffy grabbed her discarded pajamas before she turned to go to the bathroom to brush her teeth and change. When she returned to the bedroom Spike was rustling through one of his drawers looking for something.

"Why, Spike? Explain to me so that I understand why you didn't want a child of ours but you want to take these two in." Buffy asked not able to restrain her curiosity any longer.

He laughed derisively leaning on his forearms against the top of the tall dresser.

"You really don't see, do you? Think about it, pet. The boy, he's shy and scared of everything but just wants to be loved…" 

"He's the William part of you." Buffy was quickly catching on.

"Raven, defiant, feels she doesn't belong so she reacts with anger…"

"You, right after you got the chip." Buffy finished knowing him more than he thought she did. He turned to look at her in surprise and wonder that she might actually understand after all. 

To him the children were like an answer to his earlier prayer.  His inner turmoil might be calmed by helping these two that were like little reminders of him. If he could help them then maybe he could learn to help himself.

Spike turned from the dresser to head for the other side of the room while he tried to convince himself to talk to Buffy. Before he could formulate the words she started to speak to him. Her words making the fear rise in him again.

"We are just going to be an instant family and everything is going to be just hunky dory. This is decided only hours after you are telling me that I don't love you. Hours after you seem ready to kick me out or something." 

She folded her arms across her middle as she stared at the wall keeping him behind her. All she wanted was answers. Reassurances from him that she was still important to him. His footsteps told her of his approach behind her but she refused to turn around to face him. His hands slipped around her waist while his lips trailed across her shoulder.

"Oh, Buffy, I never said you don't love me. You love me if for no other reason than you know I will always be here." His arms squeezed her as she stiffened from his words unsure of his meaning. Not knowing if it was said in love or in sarcasm.  He kissed her on that patch of skin behind her ear then came to whisper in it. "Face it, love, you belong to me and I will never let you go."

Normally his possessive words would give her the reassurance that they were meant to be but tonight there was a difference in his voice. The fear was curling in her belly again as his voice showed he had never learned to talk without a lisp in his present face.

Buffy slowly pulled from his arms needing to verify what she already knew. She turned to look up into the smiling face of Spike's demon. His hand slowly came out to caress her face.

"And from now on things are going to go the way I want them to." 

TBC


	10. Practicality

**Chapter 9 – Practicality**

_June 14, 2007__12:35 PM****_

"I'm hungry."  A small hand patting her arm woke Buffy from her sleep. She slowly opened her eyes to see Elijah standing next to the bed.

"Hey, good morning." She couldn't help but smile at the child waiting for her. This was her son she told herself trying to get comfortable with the idea. It still seemed too surreal for words. The sudden changes in their lives brought by someone who wanted to take her place.  She wondered briefly how Spike would have reacted if it had been Riley or Angel bringing the children to them. But the answer was already known and there was no way it would have gone this way. Her own need to nurture had driven her to try to accept what they had been given. And if she admitted it to herself a small part of it had been to be better than Donna. 

"Hungry." Elijah repeated to her, breaking Buffy from her thoughts.

Then a panic ran through her as the responsibility of the situation hit her. What would she feed him? Her mind quickly ran through the contents of their refrigerator and cupboards not finding anything suitable. 

Buffy sat up to get out of bed only to find the comforter being held down. Looking over her shoulder she saw Spike watching her while she tried to unthinkingly expose him. Coloring slightly she remembered the nudity with which he always slept.  

"Sorry, baby."  Buffy mouthed to Spike before putting her hand down next to him to hold the covers in place while she slipped out of the bed. Once she was standing she took Elijah by the hand smiling down at him. "Let's go see what we can find for you to eat."

Hand in hand they made their way out into the hallway, turning Buffy shut the door to give Spike the privacy he needed to get dressed. Then she made her way across the hall to check on Raven who was still curled under the covers with her eyes closed. Certain that she was still sleeping Buffy led Elijah down to the kitchen. He chattered the entire way about waking up in a new room and that he thought the house was great. There were lots of places for him to play hide and seek and other games.  Buffy tried to concentrate as he jumped from one subject to the other and make the appropriate responses.

The boy went to sit at the table while he watched Buffy rummage through the refrigerator to find something for his breakfast. She pulled out a carton of eggs that were hidden behind the jars of blood. Quickly checking the expiration date she sighed in relief when she found that they were still good.

"Do you like eggs?" Buffy asked hoping that he did then brightening when he nodded his head. "How about scrambled eggs and toast?" 

"Okay." 

She hurriedly stared to prepare his breakfast feeling proud that so far she was handling it. This whole thing was scaring her to death because she had no clue how to deal with a child this age on a full time basis. Thankfully Aidan, Xander and Anya's little boy, was only about a year younger than Elijah. Babysitting him had given her some experience but nothing like the whole package at one time. Her whole parenting dream had always started off with an infant that she would learn to care for as she went. 

Just as she placed a plate of food in front of Elijah his sister wandered into the kitchen.

"Good morning." Buffy smiled at Raven hoping that things might be easier than earlier that morning. 

"Morning. Is there any coffee?"

"I haven't made any yet. Do you always drink coffee?" Buffy asked hesitantly.

"No, I just thought I'd ask for you." Raven responded sarcastically. "What's for breakfast?" She made her way over to the table to run a hand over Elijah's hair. "How you doin', squirt?" To her brother she acted naturally and affectionately totally unlike the sarcastic brat she showed Buffy.

"We don't have a lot in the house right now so it seems like scrambled eggs and toast." Buffy responded to her question.

"I like mine over easy." 

"I'm not that great of a cook so if you want something decent this morning, scrambled eggs are it." Buffy explained calmly and swore to herself that no matter what Raven did she was not going to react to it.

"Great, we're going to starve to death. Our mom was a great cook." Raven offered defiantly as she slumped down in a chair with arms crossed. She knew she was being rude but didn't care. Her whole life had been taken from her in one night and all she wanted to do was punish someone. Since the people responsible weren't around it may as well be this woman who was not only the Slayer but was also trying to take her mother's place.  

Elijah following his sister's lead pushed the plate away from him. "I want eggs the way my mommy made them." His lower lip started to tremble as he looked from Buffy to Raven.

"So, do I." Raven told him as she pulled him onto her lap hugging him against her.

Grabbing the edge of the counter Buffy leaned into it trying to keep herself from exploding at the girl. It was one thing if she wanted to go hungry but to upset her brother was another. And if she was honest Buffy was angrier at the fact that this girl wouldn't give her a chance than at her rejecting her cooking.  Reminding herself of how she felt when her mother died Buffy tried to put herself into this girl's place and get over the resentment she felt at taking in children of Donna's choice. 

"What's going on?" Spike stepped into the room looking from Elijah silently crying in his sister's lap to Buffy looking like she wanted to slay something badly. "Buffy, what happened?"

She turned to look at him wanting to run crying to him but knew she couldn't. Taking a deep breath before starting she told herself to remain calm.

"Raven wanted her eggs cooked in a way that I don't know how to make. It upset her which upset Elijah. Now, he won't eat what I fixed." Buffy explained softly staring down at the counter. Nervously she waited for Spike's response. After last night she didn't know what to expect from him. There hadn't been any more words spoken after his pronouncement. He had just led her into bed spooning her against him while they fell asleep.

Spike walked over to the children taking Elijah from his sister before sitting in his previously vacated chair. After the boy was settled in his lap he looked over at Raven.

"Buffy isn't the greatest cook but she probably already told you that. I know that she will do everything she can to learn what you like but you are going to have to give her a chance." He patiently explained to the girl. After staring down her glare he turned back to the boy. "Now, Elijah, aren't you still hungry? I bet it's good." Taking the fork he stabbed a bit of eggs taking it for the child to try. After that, still sitting in Spike's lap, he started back in on his breakfast.

Buffy smiled gratefully at his support of her. She knew she still needed to figure out what was going on with him since things were never settled between them last night. Vowing to keep an eye on him she went to brew the morning coffee for her and Raven then a heated a mug of blood for him. 

After handing Spike his breakfast Buffy sat down at the table with her mug cradled in her hand. Raven frowned at her for a moment before standing to pour her a cup of coffee. While she was up she made herself some toast once she realized that Buffy wasn't going to offer to fix her breakfast again. And there was no way that she was going to ask. Starvation would be a sweeter alternative. 

"Is Eli and I going to have to share a room?" Raven directed her question to Spike as she rejoined them at the table.

"No. There is a smaller bedroom upstairs that we can move him into leaving you with the larger one." Spike answered.

"Can I change it? Cause it looks like someone vomited flowers in there." Raven asked hoping that the room's décor was Buffy's doing. 

Spike chuckled looking up to see Buffy's reaction because she had even admitted after she had finished that she had overdone it with the floral theme. Since it was the guest room they had never gotten around to redoing it. Buffy's eyes flew up to meet Spike's as he laughed letting him know that she wasn't happy about the insult. As soon as he saw her frustration he stopped but left a smile on his face. 

"Maybe later. Right now we have other things to deal with." Spike answered her. "Buffy said that you only have a suitcase of clothes each, so I thought we could take you both shopping tonight."

"I go to bed at eight." Elijah informed him.

Spike's eyes closed as his earlier doubts of parenting became reality. There was no way that he could just go to the mall in the middle of the afternoon. Or all the other things that human parents needed to do during the day.  Humiliation flooded through him as his limitations became clear.  

"Maybe I could just take them." Buffy offered already knowing what her partner was thinking.

His eyes flew open to meet hers searching for pity or revulsion in her eyes. The compassion that he saw was almost as painful.

"I'll meet you there." His words were coldly directed at Buffy. "While everyone gets dressed, I'll call the lawyer and get things started."

"Okay, that's fine." Buffy told him ignoring the change in his mood. Then turning she directed her question to Elijah. "You ready to go take a bath and get dressed?" 

Nodding his head he slipped off of Spike's lap to take her hand. 

"Do you want to help me out with this?" Buffy asked Raven trying to include her and make her feel important.

"Sure, since you obviously can't handle it. Donna knew what to do without asking." She said cruelly before leading the way out the door. 

Before Buffy followed she turned to look back at Spike still sitting at the table with his eyes fixated on her. She smiled hoping to get some sort of encouragement from him but only felt the chill from his eyes. 

_June 14, 2007 __3:45 PM___

The three of them stood by the main entrance of the mall for Spike to meet them. He had left a few minutes before them because he had to walk to their destination using the old sewer tunnels his method of travel to avoid the sunlight. He had been curt to Buffy and joking with the children before they had left the house. As illogical as it was he felt anger toward Buffy for being able to do the things he wanted to do. It was just one more thing in his life that he felt he had to suppress to be the man that he was expected to be.

While he had been waiting for his family to get ready to leave he had taken it upon himself to call Giles to inform him of the changes. The other man had been floored by the rapid changes in Buffy and Spike's life asking several times if they were sure about this. After assuring Giles that it was, Spike asked the watcher to call the others to let them know and to give them a couple of days to get used to each other before bombarding them. He also asked Giles to find out anything he could on the Soldiers of Light. After hanging up he had told Buffy that he would see them in a few minutes leaving through the tunnels that they had opened under the house.

With relief Buffy saw his familiar swagger coming toward them. As she watched him walk toward them she let it flow through her how beautiful he was. How much she had grown to love him. Once she had let go it had flooded through her, feeling like it was the only place that she belonged. A smile of appreciation crossed her face as he came closer to her. 

"Hi, guys, ready to spend my money." He joked as he slipped an arm around Buffy. Her look hadn't gone unnoticed and it warmed the vampire. His decision to ignore his earlier feelings seemed like the best thing.  Leaning over he kissed her on the cheek before turning to lead the way into the department store. 

The four of them stuck together as they shopped. First they took care of Elijah outfitting him from top to bottom with more than he would probably ever be able to wear. Spike actively roaming through the racks to find suitable attire for his son. Raven acted bored most of the time as she waited her turn but offered suggestions when Eli wouldn't comment on what he liked or didn't like. 

Then they migrated to the juniors department for Raven. She attacked the racks thinking that she could get whatever she wanted. Price of the clothes hadn't even been mentioned as they had outfitted her brother so she just grabbed whatever looked good to her. 

"Why don't you start trying some of that stuff on? That way we can see what it looks like on you." Buffy told her as the pile began to grow.

Raven turned to Spike hoping for an ally but was disappointed when he agreed with Buffy. She grabbed a bunch of stuff and headed for the changing room. As she came out with different outfits Buffy checked to see how they fit and if the quality was any good. Spike looked the items over on the teen vetoing some as being too revealing or too tight for his taste. The first time he did he looked over at Buffy to get her reaction but she didn't say anything.  Secretly she was glad that he was doing it because she didn't want to be the bad guy knowing that it would only lead to the fight she had been trying to avoid.

Finally an hour or so later and Spike's credit card squeaking from the use they exited the store with everyone but Elijah laden down with packages. 

"Is there anything else that you need?" Spike asked as he looked over at his girls.

"There is something else." Raven answered. "Can I just get some money and get it myself."

There was a faint flush on her cheek as she looked at the floor. 

"What is it?" Spike asked not sure about just handing her cash if he didn't know where it was going.

Buffy looked up from where she had been talking to Eli to catch the tail end of the conversation. Raven was refusing to look up while Spike waited for an answer. Finally she looked up to catch Buffy's eyes jerking her head over her shoulder. Looking to where she had gestured she spotted a Victoria's Secret behind them. 

"Oh, Spike, why don't you and Eli go to the toy store and we'll catch up with you in a few." Buffy said trying to relieve Raven's discomfort. 

Catching on Spike nodded his head reaching for his wallet to hand Buffy a credit card. 

"Thanks." 

The guys headed off for the toy store while she and Raven headed to the lingerie shop.

"So, he doesn't trust you with his money. Is there anything that you can do right?" 

Buffy stopped in her tracks turning to the girl. All day she had been ignoring her comments but she had just about had enough.

"Yeah, I can save the world a bunch of times and come back from the dead. Can you manage to stop insulting me long enough for us to do this or do you want to go home now?" 

Without waiting she headed for the store leaving Raven to follow or not. At this point she didn't really care. But the girl followed Buffy, knowing that without the blonde, she'd be stuck with what she had. She hated this situation but giving credit where credit was due, Buffy kept trying and hadn't given in once. And she was taking her into to buy grown up underwear not the plain things her mother had made her wear. Her eyes ran over the rainbow of lingerie around her not even knowing where to start. 

"Do you know what size bra you wear?" Buffy asked waiting for a smart retort but relaxed when the girl said that she wasn't sure because what she had didn't fit anymore. The two flagged a sales girl for Raven to be measured then once they knew the proper size they went on a spree. As they went through the merchandise they began to relax around each other. Buffy told her no on anything that was too adult for her just as Spike had but pretty much let her pick out what she wanted otherwise. 

"And while I am here I may as well save a trip." Buffy justified picking out some new things for her too. 

The two were giggling about their shopping when they caught up with Spike and Eli. As soon as Eli saw them he took off running toward them. Not having any hands free to catch him Eli ended up wrapping his arms around Raven's legs.

"Spike got you cookbooks. To feed us." He laughingly told Buffy. 

She looked up from the boy to meet Spike's gaze.

"Thanks." Not really knowing whether or not it was an insult or not and not having any indication from him as to which way it was meant she decided to let it go. To take it as it was probably meant as an aid to help her learn to cook. He smiled down at her once she reached his side letting her relax from the tension she was imagining. 

"Is anybody hungry? I thought we could grab some food before heading home." Spike asked in general. 

Everyone quickly agreed that dinner would be good and because it was still daylight outside they decided on a restaurant that was inside the mall. Raven and Buffy took the packages out to the car to get them out of their way. After everything was loaded Buffy grabbed one of the cookbooks before closing the trunk.

"What are you going to do with that?" Raven asked curious since they were returning to the mall.

"Thought we could flip through it during dinner and start a list for the store. You and I can go after we drop Spike and Elijah off at home." Buffy suggested hoping the good mood would continue. "That way we can get food the two of you like."

"Cool." Was Raven's only response.

_June 14, 2007 __8:25 PM___

Once last check upstairs, she told herself, and then she would be free to go downstairs. Softly opening the door to Elijah's room she found him curled up softly snoring while holding tightly to the new stuffed dog that Spike had gotten for him. Buffy leaned over to kiss him on the forehead while tucking his covers tighter around him. Satisfied that he was settled for the night she turned to make her way across the hall to check on his sister. 

Raven was sprawled across her bed sound asleep, headphones still attached to her ears. Buffy smiled down at the teen as she removed the portable CD player from Raven's hands and ears.  As she put it down on the nightstand she reflected on how the evening had been relatively calm between them. There had been fewer snide remarks about Buffy from her as she was starting to realize that Buffy asked questions not because she couldn't make a decision but because she wanted Raven to have the things she needed and wanted. This realization made things a little easier on both of them but the tension was far from gone. It had just relaxed a little a bit as they had gotten to know each other a little more.

Once the teen was settled under the comforter Buffy left the room with an air of anticipation.    After she had first tucked Elijah into bed she had retreated to her room to change into the new lingerie she had bought and sprayed herself with Spike's favorite scent. Then before she had went to do her last check on the children she had slipped on her heavy terry cloth robe. A quick stop in the bathroom to brush her teeth then she was ready. It was time for some Spike. Things had changed so much in the last 24 hours and she needed him. Needed his touch to get her focused again. To relax her. To make sure that he was still hers and not the demon that had been between them last night.

His study door was closed. Hesitating she bit her lower lip then knocked softly on the door before opening it.   Buffy walked toward him but he seemed not to know that she was there. His gaze focused intently on the screen. 

Spike knew she was there having heard her knock and the opening of the door. He wondered what was wrong or what she needed help with. Before the whole baby thing she had rarely entered in here. Now it seemed like she was always intruding. Always needed him or wanted something. Sometimes it seemed that she had lost some of her independence clinging to him for reassurance. His hands came to cover his face as she stopped behind him. The baby monitor was placed on the corner of the desk.

"Spike?"

"What's up, Buffy?" 

Her arms came around him as she kissed his cheek slowly making a trail down his neck. 

"I was thinking about you." She whispered before nipping on his ear lobe. 

One of his hands came up to cover one of hers. Gently he pulled on her drawing her around the chair to stand in front of him.  Until she was standing between his spread knees with his hands resting on her hips.

"What were you thinking about me, pet?" He asked in a low growl. 

Buffy smiled in response as her hands slowly moved up his arms. With her hands on his shoulders for support, one knee came to rest on the chair beside his leg bringing her closer to him. He steadied her as she brought her other knee to rest on the other side of the chair. After she was balanced he brought his hands around to undo her robe sliding inside to feel the satiny material until his hands settled on her bottom. She dropped the robe from her shoulders as his eyes wandered in appreciation over her.

Spike's tongue flicked out of his mouth as he brought her down onto his lap. His fingers floated over the pleated babydoll that she wore. Midnight blue with matching lace across the bodice and hem danced over her flesh. Needing to confirm he lifted the edge to spot the matching thongs that she wore underneath.

"Nice. Very beautiful you are tonight. Is this for me?" He asked mockingly. "Or is this for…" 

Her lips pressed against him hungrily to stop him from ruining this moment. To keep him from hurting her with words they both knew weren't true. There was no place for breathing as she forced her tongue through his unresponsive lips.  His hair was pulled as her fingers ran through his locks to hold him close to her.  

Needing her as much as she needed him he was unable to resist her demands for him to respond Unable to deny his own passion any longer his hands came around her to pull her against him.  Their lips and tongues fought together as they tried to blend into one.  

Scooting back a little Buffy's hands dragged his shirt up over his chest pulling him forward so she could take it over his head.  As the material came between they reluctantly separated so she could remove it. Her hand cupped his face.

"It's only you I need. Only you." She whispered to answer his earlier question. Then as if they couldn't exist without the other their lips joined again.  While her hands explored the newly bared flesh moving up so that her fingers could dig into his shoulders. 

Her words and actions pushed him beyond his control. His decision to keep her at a distance lay forgotten somewhere under the sensations she was sending through his body. It was always her. No one else could do this to him. He wanted to bare everything that he was to her as her spell wound through his entire being.  To take her into the darkest dungeons of his demon and the sunlit dreams of his soul to see if her love would still be his.

Needing to possess her he broke free from her lips to whisper against them, "Did you take care of it already?"  

It wasn't that he minded removing it for her but wanted to know before anything else happened between them.  He was just thankful that over the years they had become this comfortable with each other's bodies.

"Mmmhmmm." She muffled against his neck the recipient of her mouth since being denied his. 

After grabbing her robe from the floor he cradled her bottom in his hands then rose from the chair. Her legs wrapped around him as they headed for the couch. 

"Stand up for a minute, pet." Spike directed her.

Reluctantly she dropped to her feet stepping away from him. She waited impatiently as he threw the robe over the couch for her to lie on. Her arms wrapped around him before he could turn all the way around again. His feet danced as used them to kick his boots off while he held onto her.  She wrapped herself around him needing him to make her whole. Teeth against the flesh of his shoulder. Sucking on where she had bitten. Now. She needed him now.

Going down on one knee he lowered her onto the couch. Her hands drifted down his arms as he stayed above her. She couldn't…wouldn't lose contact with him. Eagerly she lifted her hips as he slid her panties off. Mewling sounds in response to his hands drifting down her legs as he pulled the skimpy piece of material from her.  

 "I've missed you." He whispered as he lowered himself on top of her sending a thrill of power through her. His kiss was hard and demanding as his tongue moved in her mouth.  The satin rustling as hands moved over her creating goose bumps in their wake. The lace on the bodice itched along his skin causing him to squirm against her. 

"Love me. Please love me." She implored as her body tried to move closer to him in its aching hunger.

Finally freed from her lips he slowly started his way down her body. Her hardened nipples strained through the lace begging for his attention. Stopping only long enough to tease them he continued downward even further.  His face rubbed against the cool softness of the satin as he made his way down her stomach. 

The heady scent of her and blood teased at him making him want her even more.  Her hands pushed against the arm rest while she opened herself even wider for him. An arrogant chuckle of her obvious desire for him coursed through him. The Slayer wanted…needed…lusted for him. A vampire. The thought still amazed him after all this time.  His touch could make her so vulnerable. So willing to leave her bare to harm. 

But his power over her was the same as her power over him. It only grew with time he thought as he lowered his head to give them both what they craved. 

She moaned as he attacked her even more voraciously than usual almost as if he couldn't get enough of her, of this. His hands dug into the flesh of her hips. Almost painfully they kneaded at her as he pleasured her. She thought idly that she would have bruises in the morning. She felt him change, his fangs nipping at her skin as he took her to the brink.  The tongue lapping at her was replaced by fingers as his face moved away from her.

"Spiiiiike…." Buffy groaned at the change in sensations. 

A low growl answered her then she felt his face against her thigh.  Losing herself in what he was doing to her she didn't pay attention to the sound until he bit into her inner thigh.  

"Ohmigod." Buffy exclaimed as pain warred with the ecstasy that was already taking her over. Swiftly in a moment the pain wrapped itself around the pleasure taking her catapulting over the edge in a rush of overwhelming bliss.  She had to remind herself to breath as things slowly came into focus again. 

But he hadn't stopped his fingers continued to caress her. As the sensations of his bite and fingers started the heat building again she fell back against the couch. Not knowing what was greater the pain or the pleasure she moaned at the sensations assaulting her. As she surrendered to him she felt his fangs sink deeper into her thigh taking more blood than he should. 

Fear broke through the haze she was in telling her that he wasn't going to stop in time. In response to the fear she reached into his hair and pulled.

"Stop, Spike, you're scaring me. Stop, please." She whimpered out to him.

His head came up leaving a trail of blood across her leg. Then he raised himself up moving to cover her. Looking down into her frightened desire filled eyes he surged into her in one stroke 

Gasping she arched up as he pushed deeply into her. Not understanding why he had let the bite go too far she didn't say or do anything except what he wanted. What the demon looking down at her wanted.

Still above her resting on his forearms he stared down at her with her blood still on his chin. 

"I wouldn't hurt you, baby. Never take more than I should." His voice was low as it caressed her battered heart. 

Her trembling hand came to his face and with her thumb wiped the blood from him. She stared at it for a moment before his mouth took it in to suckle softly on it. Tears filled her eyes then slowly trickled down her face down into her hair. Not being able to bear looking at him anymore her eyes fluttered closed while she waited for what he would do next. 

He shook himself back to his human visage at the realization of what he had done to her. 

His lips gently kissed her jaw. "I love you."  Then kissed her chin. "Would never hurt you." Took her lower lip into his mouth then let it slowly slip out. "Could never live without you." His hips slowly withdrew him from her warmth. "Need you too much." Then quickly thrust back into her just so he could hear that tiny gasp again. "I'm sorry, baby." His tongue traced the hollow at the base of her throat. "Do you forgive me?" He settled into a slow rocking pace within her. "I'll always take care of you."  His hand caressed her sides drifting to cup her bottom to hold her tighter to him.  "Never leave you alone. Love you."

She sobbed as he turned gentle above her. It was too much this pushing her away only to tell her how much he loved in the next instant. Her arms betrayed her by slipping from his sides to wrap around his neck pulling him down on her. The legs still resting where they were came to encircle his waist.  "I love you." She whispered into his ear. Her lips licked her tears from his shoulder as she was rocked by him. All was forgotten as their bodies settled against one another melding into one living thing fueled by their desire for the other. 

He denied the screaming in his head so he could give her the tenderness she needed. To be what she needed him to be.  In these moments of raw passion their love was truly clarified. Stripped of pride their bodies gave what their words never could. Instinct to shelter and protect, to mate, wound around them as their primitive origins came to the forefront strengthening the bond between them. Here there was no need to hide their fear. All insecurities were forgotten as he possessed what was his. All defenses were dropped as she gave him what only she could.

Their moans and pants sheltered them as they climaxed, first her then him only seconds later. Whispered words of love were stifled as their lips connected in desperate reunion. The first connection, the last connection, their only connections as they slowly drifted to sleep still joined. Content. 

TBC


	11. Final Straws

**Chapter 10 – Final Straws**

_June 15, 2007__4:17 AM___

Buffy woke to find herself pinned in her coffin again with the lid on top of her. Panic raced through her as she wondered if there was enough air for her to breathe. Her arms were pinned leaving her unable to lift it off of her and there was no give as she tried to squirm her way out from under the crushing weight.  How could they do this to her? Bring her back only to leave her here to try to fight back to the surface. Her mind raced through ways to find a way out of it while her eyes searched the inky blackness of her tomb for a clue. Where was he? He would save her. He always did. 

Then a scream shattered her aloneness startling Buffy from her own desperate state. Someone was crying out for help, pain and horror reflected in their words as they tried to fight their own living nightmare. It was definitely a she, Buffy decided, as the screams became ear splitting shrieks. 

It was her job as the Slayer to help people but all she could do was lie here pinned in this grave her friends had left her in. Buffy told herself that Spike was helping this girl that was why he wasn't there yet to get her out.  He would come for her as soon as the girl was safe. She relaxed a little until she looked up into the darkness and into the yellow eyes of Spike's demon laughing down at her. Her terrified scream echoed with those of the girl.

The girl's next scream woke Buffy from her own nightmare as the girl called out for her mother and father to return.

Buffy shook her head to clear the images of her own dream from her mind. The cries of the frightened girl were coming through the baby monitor sitting on Spike's desk. Reacting to the sounds of Raven's nightmare Buffy tried to sit up only to find she was pinned under Spike's sleeping form.  He hadn't moved since they had fallen asleep hours ago.  She shoved against him trying to force him awake quickly.

"Spike, it's Raven. She's having a nightmare." Buffy told him as she pushed against him. 

The words penetrated through his sleep waking him with a quickness born of battle conditioned necessity. He stood quickly fastening his jeans as Buffy raced out the door pulling her robe around her. By the time she was halfway up the stairs Spike was beside her. 

Buffy was first through the door of Raven's room and hurriedly took stock of the situation.  Raven was curled on the bed with her head in Elijah's lap. Her small body was wracked by the force of her grief. One of her hands was clinging tightly to one of her brother's hands. Elijah's other hand stroked her hair while he whispered to her that it was all going to be okay. 

"Raven?" Buffy called softly out to her as she approached the bed unsure of what to do for the girl.

Raven looked up at Buffy through her tears while her free hand suddenly rose from its resting place against her chest. The next thing Buffy knew she was flying across the room. She hit the wall with enough force to knock the wind from her before crumpling into a heap on the floor. Shaking her head Buffy tried to get her bearings as she slowly rose to her feet.  When she looked around she found Raven glowering at her, anger and loathing burning brightly in her blue eyes searing its way into Buffy's heart.

"Bitch. I hate you. Get away from me. It's your fault. It was your kind that did this. My mother and father are dead because of you." Raven screamed with all the pain that filled her soul. A voice inside her whispered that it wasn't Buffy's fault but all she could see when she looked at the Slayer were the men that had murdered her parents.

Raven rose on her knees and started to crawl down the bed toward Buffy while still clutching her brother's hand. Her other hand slowly rose toward Buffy again when Spike realizing that she was going to attack again reached out to grab it in his own hands pulling it upwards. 

"Get out, Buffy. Now." Spike yelled at her as he wrapped his arms around Raven pulling her back down onto his lap on the bed.

Buffy scrambled toward the door knowing that it was a possibility if Raven hadn't been stopped that she could be dead or severely injured by the girl's wrath. Not looking back she continued to stumble to her own room not stopping until she came to sit on the side of her bed. The sound of Spike's voice soothing Raven reached her as she wrapped her arms around herself. Rocking back and forth she tried to bring everything back into focus. The nightmare, followed by Raven's own dream, then the girl using magical powers on her was going to take a little while to shake off. Her hands moved to cover her face as she refused to give into any more tears. 

"You okay?" Elijah whispered suddenly appearing in front of Buffy. He put his small hands on her knees as he looked at her in concern.

Buffy pulled her hands away from her face startled at his presence, not having heard him walk in,  then in an effort to reassure him that she was all right, she ran her fingers softly down his cheek. 

"Yeah, I'm all right."

"She didn't mean it. She's upset." Elijah said defending his sister.

"I know, baby. It's okay." 

Buffy picked him up so she could settle him on her lap in an effort to comfort them both. There were things she wanted to know about Raven and him. Their powers were something that the adults hadn't discussed that night. 

"How strong are your sister's powers?" Buffy asked as she cuddled him next to her.

"She doesn't have any. Borrowed mine." 

"What do you mean she doesn't have any?" 

"No. She like Poppie. No power. I have magic like Mommy. But sissie can use if she touches me."  

Eli's hand ran up and down Buffy's arm ruffling the terry cloth of her robe.

"What can you do magically?" 

He raised his small hand and as he told her marked them off on his fingers.

"I can move things, see things befowe they happen and I know when people hurt." He told her reciting his list. He looked up at her solemnly. "Did Spike hurt you?"

"Spike hurt me? Why would you even ask?"  

"He bit you." 

"Oh." Buffy said in surprise. It was disconcerting that he could know things so personal making a mental note to talk to Willow on how to block this particular thing. "No, he didn't hurt me. We were playing and he startled me, that's all."

She looked up as Spike walked back into the room.

"Is Raven okay?" Buffy asked in concern.  She was trying to honestly care for Raven even if she was trying to pin everything wrong in her life on Buffy. 

"Yeah, she's calmer. She wants Elijah to come sleep with her though." Spike smiled down at the boy and held his hand out for him.

Elijah slid off Buffy's lap then once he was standing turned to face her. He held her cheeks in his hands as he leaned forward to kiss her.

"Good night, Buffy." 

"Night, sweetie." She hugged him to her relishing the sturdy feel of his little boy body.

After they left the room Buffy grabbed some pajamas and underwear before heading for the bathroom. She needed to clean herself up before putting anything clean on. After wetting a washcloth she wiped the dried blood from the inside of her thigh with a grimace. Her fingertips traced the bruising around the puncture wounds noting a tear in her flesh from where Spike had dug his fangs into her. It looked like he had wanted to literally take a bite from her body. Once the wound was cleaned and antibiotic lotion applied she slipped into her pajamas.

On her way back to the bedroom she threw her robe and lingerie in the dirty clothes reminding herself to find her panties in the study before one of the kids did. That was one explanation she did not want to make. 

She could hear Spike talking softly to the children in Raven's room as she returned to the master bedroom. Glancing quickly around the room she debated between trying to get some more sleep, reading or watching some television.

When she spotted Spike's cigarettes on the dresser, Buffy made her way towards them before she changed her mind. Deciding the harsh taste of nicotine was what she needed to clear the nightmares from her mind she headed for the windows so the smoke wouldn't linger in the air. The images of being in the coffin again were intermingled with those visions created by her imagination of Raven's parents being murdered. Throw in the terror she had dreaming of Spike wanting to drain her, Buffy's nerves were shot as a shudder ran through her small frame as she pulled the window open.

The warm night air danced across her face as she knelt before the window resting her forearms on the sill. She shook a cigarette out nestling it between her lips so she could light it. The flame of the lighter glowed in the night as it hissed against the end of the cigarette. Buffy inhaled quickly to keep it lit before letting the lighter drop onto the window sill beside her. The smoke curled down into her lungs for the first time in years making her cough in reaction to its unfamiliar burn. Although after only a few inhales the once recognizable invasion into her lungs was a welcome one. 

Buffy knew the moment he stepped back into the room not needing the sound of his footsteps to confirm it. Every nerve ending, every instinct she had, came alive as he came closer to her. It was almost like her body was created to be molded, connected, to his.  Buffy waited until he came to her enjoying the feel of her nerves jumping toward him. 

Spike padded across the room as if he had no choice but to be drawn to this human that was his. His eyes opened in surprise at seeing the cigarette resting comfortable between her fingers. She was his fallen angel pushed almost beyond what she could comfortably handle. The proverbial tugging feel of responsibility to hold her together invaded his being. Since he had returned from escorting Drusilla to Europe, Buffy had been his to take care of, to keep her sane and whole in this world that refused to let her go.  It seemed that taking care of someone had always been his role in this world. It had started with his mum, and then moved to Drusilla, to Buffy and now there were two children looking to him.  He wondered briefly if any of them had actually wanted him around or if it was just what he could do for them. 

His hand came out to caress her hair letting it linger for a moment across his fingers. The golden softness was a source of some of his more erotic dreams. It was a curtain around them as she rode him, tickling across his flesh as she moved over him. For him she had let it grow until it now floated around her hips when she walked. 

Buffy never turned around as he stood there enjoying the feel of almost being connected to him by the charged air around them. Disappointment drifted though her languidly as he broke from the enchantment surrounding them and came to sit beside her with his back against the wall and his legs stretched out in front of him. He reached for the pack of cigarettes and brought one to his mouth after shaking it loose from the others. As he looked around for the lighter green eyes connected with blue ones with all the force of two universes colliding. The shock they both felt at the meeting reminded them of the sheer power that existed between them. As partners they were almost undefeatable as they fought the forces of evil, as lovers they burned more fiery passion than any other pair in history but ironically the only thing they had yet to fully conquer was their friendship. 

Not breaking eye contact Buffy brought the lighter slowly up to his cigarette, his hands meeting her to cover hers as she lit it for him. The flame illuminated the angular planes of his features, showed the sharp contract of his black eyelashes against the alabaster of his skin, the twist of his lips as he inhaled the smoke. Her heart swelled with pride with the knowledge that he was hers. As the first sweet rush of nicotine filled him, he turned to look back up at her. Her emotions were evident as she stared unabashedly at him making his body respond to her. Spike wanted to take her as he had wanted to take her earlier with raw, painful, all consuming sex that would leave them bleeding. But it couldn't be for them. While she had gone to see Sara, her therapist, it had been decided to keep pain from the bedroom so Buffy wouldn't escape into it. In order to keep her recovering from her depression he had suppressed a lot of his own needs.

He sighed leaning his head back against the wall before closing his eyes. Her arousal came to him sweetly enticing him from his thoughts of the games he wanted to play. His eyes searched for her only to find her leaning out the window again seductively making love to the cigarette. Her lips teased it as she sucked it's essence from it. The white cylinder responded by hissing out it's enjoyment as it gave up the fight to her slowly letting itself die as it's cherry rushed toward her in its effort to please her. 

Desire raced through Spike as he observed the erotic scene. Her eyes were closed as the night air danced around her making her hair play along to its eternal tune. A rush of love so strong, so needful, coursed through him that he had no choice but to move toward her so that he could touch the perfection that was Buffy. 

As he turned toward her his eyes saw the beginning of morning flickering on the horizon over the cemetery and knew that their brief moment of peaceful truce was almost over. Whether in love or hate or need or anger rarely was there peace between them or in their lives. And now this brief respite was almost gone too. 

"Do you want to take a shower with me?" she whispered softly to him not turning to face him as she asked. 

A smile floated across her lips as she ground her hapless substitute lover against the side of the house.  Spike laughed at her seemingly innocent invitation knowing that within a few minutes he would once again be partaking in the wonders of her body. 

"Yeah." He told her as he flicked his cigarette out into the yard then reached for her hand. 

_June 15, 2007__6:45 AM___

After their shower Spike had only put on a pair of jeans and socks then went to lie on their bed to watch her get ready for the day. She moved back and forth across the room as she pulled on clothes. Today she had chosen to wear blue cotton bikinis and a matching bra, a long sleeve denim shirt and a pair of faded jeans. Her feet were still bare as the pink polish on her toes winked in the light as she moved. With brusque motions she began to apply a minimum amount of make up. He smiled contentedly as he reflected on how much he loved this part of the day, watching her go from the soft kitten that shared his bed to a woman capable of taking down hell gods. At the last stroke of her lipstick she turned to him.

"Braid my hair?" She asked almost shyly. His hands moving through her hair always made her feel erotically closer to him. Their time in the shower had done little to satiate either of them. Only made them crave each other more as he had held her against the slick walls with her legs wrapped around his waist while he took her.

A predatory smile crossed his lips as he moved to stand behind her. His hand took the brush from her as he tamed the tangles. Hands capable quickly moved the mass of her hair into a practical braid that would hang almost all the way down her back.

As he finished wrapping the band around the end to hold it together, Spike put his arms around her waist with his head resting on her shoulder. He smiled as he looked at Buffy in the mirror. There were indentations along her body that showed where his arms were but in the reflection there was only her. Moving so that his hands were spread along her belly he slowly brought them up to cover her breasts. They rested comfortably in the cup of his hands as he squeezed them softly watching the indentations into her body in the mirror.  His mind began to fantasize that they were larger overflowing around his hands. Their weight was heavier as they rested on top of his palms.  Spike let them go as his hands traced the indentation of her waist down to her hips. Spike outlined the curves with his hands moving around to hold her bottom wondering what they would feel like if they were fuller and rounder. If there was more to hold onto as he thrust into her sweet flesh. 

An arm came around his neck as Buffy arched back into him. In response to her call his arms snaked around her waist again pulling her further back against his hardening sex. His fingers went to caress her through her jeans while he began to nuzzle the neck so open to him. The blood that rushed through it called to him telling him to take what he wanted. With still unchanged teeth he scraped along her flesh causing a moan to vibrate from the very neck that he was suckling. With a self satisfied grin he looked up so that he could see the lust that he brought to her face only to find himself looking into the face of the woman's body that he was fantasizing about. Donna.

It had been Donna that he had been thinking about as he traced the body that was in his arms.  Then as horror swept through him at what he had done he once again saw Buffy in the mirror. Thankful for once that he had no reflection so that she wouldn't see his guilt he released her with a soft kiss to her neck. 

"Later, I have to go start breakfast for the kids." Buffy giggled at his amorous touches. When he released her she turned to kiss him quickly before walking away. 

He watched the sway of her hips as she moved away from him. Swallowing away the guilt he felt he went to look for his cigarettes needing a moment of privacy before facing his betrayal. He loved Buffy, had loved her for almost ten years, and had lived with her for five; his whole life consumed by her for what seemed forever, how he could even think of someone else was beyond him.  They had just finished making love not even an hour ago. 

His eyes closed as his head tilted and his shoulders rolled as he came to terms of what had been simmering for the past twenty-four hours, hell had been simmering for five years, and then had been brought to a rolling boil since he had seen her again. He wanted Donna, had wanted her since he had first seen her staring at him on the airplane. The open longing that she had for him only made the wanting more intense.  He wouldn't need to beg for her attention or her body. They would be freely given to him. As he had five years ago he pushed his feelings away because it could never be. It was a fact he would have to face because of Buffy. His life was here with Buffy, the children, the Scoobies and the house. He had become as normal as any human. 

With a shock he realized that he had truly become what he had never wanted to be. It had slowly snuck up on him as he had become a part of them, as he lived each day as more human than vampire. The demon took over him as the knowledge swept through him. The urge to destroy something raged through him without a way of releasing it. The need to find what he desired licked at his body. A wish to run consumed him as he forced himself to shake his human features back into place and the demon to be repressed.

This was his life now by choice. Regardless of some of the uncontrollable circumstances that brought him to this new place, it was his nonetheless.  Not knowing what else to do except live it, Spike moved to go downstairs to join Buffy.

TBC

  
  



	12. Ties That Bind

**Chapter 11 – Ties That Bind**

_June 15, 2007 8:12 AM_

The morning scene being played out in front of Raven almost made her feel like she was back home. The tantalizing smell of bacon frying and coffee brewing made her stomach growl in response.  The radio on the counter announced the local news by a peppy DJ. It was only the room itself and the woman bustling about that was different. But no matter how many times Raven looked it would never be the same woman again. Mommy was never going to come back no matter how much she wished for it.  

Raven leaned against the doorframe and slowly ran her bare toes back and forth on the cold tile while she tried to figure out how to apologize to Buffy. Last night when she had woken from her nightmare that was actually more of a memory of when her parents had died, all she had wanted was for someone else to hurt as much as she was. But in this house there were only two people who wanted to help her and Elijah and no one to blame for their circumstances. The only thing she could find to attach her anger too was the Slayer, the one chosen to fight demons. Emotionally it didn't seem to matter that her mother wasn't really a demon but rather a supernatural being. 

After she had calmed down last night, comforted by the strength in Spike's arms, she had been mortified by what she had done. Her parents would have been disappointed that she had used Lankasha magic in a dark way. Raven had always been taught that magic was to be used only for the side of good. Her mother was always so gentle and caring and their world insulated that there wasn't a need for the dark magic.

It was only after everything she had known had been taken from her that Raven learned that the world was a cold and cruel place. If it hadn't been for her love and sense of responsibility for Elijah she would wish to be able to join her parents in the haven beyond this realm. 

Raven sighed as she looked up from her feet to stare at Buffy who was pointedly ignoring her. Buffy had to have known that she was there but was refusing to be the first to say anything.  Couldn't Buffy see how much she was hurting? Why couldn't Buffy come to her? Misplaced anger slowly started to take hold as Raven contemplated that it seemed like only Spike understood their pain. Raven didn't see any reason for Buffy to have any problems or be unhappy. She was beautiful, had lots of friends, lived in this huge house and had a gorgeous boyfriend. What more could she possibly want?

"Would you like to sit down and talk?" Buffy asked Raven over her shoulder as she started to pour two cups of coffee.  

Surprised at Buffy's gesture but not wanting to appear eager Raven nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders and headed for the table. Neither spoke as they sat across from each other and added sugar and cream into their beverages.  

When Raven couldn't put it off anymore she slowly lifted her mug toward her lips and from behind the rim she muttered, "I'msorrythatIusedmagiconyoulastnight.Iwon'tdoitagain."  Then she quickly took a drink to hide her flushed face.

A smile crossed Buffy's face at Raven's apology but not wanting to hurt the girl she hid behind the premise of taking a drink of her own coffee until she could answer with a straight face. 

"I understand that it was in response to your dream but I can't tolerate magic in this house to be used against anyone else." Buffy tried to be firm to the teen but still showed that she cared in the tone she used. "Just as I wouldn't allow any physical force to be used either."

Buffy waited until Raven at least acknowledged her words with a nod before proceeding.

"Elijah said that you don't have any powers of your own but that you can borrow his. How does that work?"

"Yeah, I got everything from my mom's fairy background including the eyes but no power. Elijah looks just like Poppie but he gets all the magic." Raven whined a little at something she had been protesting since Elijah had first levitated his bottle toward him when he was only nine months.

"But how can you use his magic?" Buffy asked again.

"I just have to touch him. It's the blood relation thing and the force of the emotion. If I'm calm and stuff, it usually won't work. But like last night when I'm all pissed or something then I can channel it. When he's older and has more control over it then he could stop me from doing it."

"How much control does he have? I mean is it possible if he's upset or hurt then could he do some damage to someone or something?" Buffy knew that she would probably have to go to Willow and Tara to fully understand but wanted what information she could get from Raven.

"Mom had him meditating and doing focusing exercises to start giving him control. He's never hurt anyone yet but, yeah, I think if he was really frightened he could do what I did last night. Most of his talent is in his empathy abilities. Like knowing when people are hurt and stuff."

"Can he help people who are hurt or just know they are?" Buffy's curiosity was growing about the young child she had in her house.

"Naw, he can't heal. I mean like the laying on of hands and stuff but he sure can tell you some things about yourself that you didn't even know." Raven laughed a little at her brother's unique way of announcing some embarrassing things when you least expected it.

Buffy flushed a little as she remembered Elijah's knowledge that Spike had bitten her and wondered what else he could pick up on. She stood as she heard the two males of the house moving around upstairs. It was time to finish making breakfast. As she moved to the refrigerator she looked back at Raven still sitting at the table.

"Are we clear on the no using of magic against anyone?"

"I guess." Raven rolled her eyes.

After putting the eggs on the counter Buffy turned to go back over to the table. Raven stared suspiciously at her as Buffy sat across from her again. 

"Forgot to do the lecture?" 

"Raven, I just want to make sure we are clear on this. If you use magic against anyone I will have Willow bind you from using any magic. Okay?" Buffy made sure that she was looking into the girl's eyes as she told her of the consequences if she chose to do it again. 

Raven eyes flew open at her words because Spike hadn't said anything like that last night when he had told her she had to apology first thing this morning.  

"Spike didn't say anything like that." Raven said defiantly hoping that this would make Buffy retract her statement.  

"Raven, if you are going to be living here then you are going to have to learn to listen to me instead of constantly threatening to run to Spike every time I tell you something you don't like."    

"And if I hit someone, are you going to have my hands cut off?"  Raven retorted feeling uncomfortable as Buffy became more authoritative with her.  Why did she have to keep hammering it in? She already knew she shouldn't have used magic like that and apologized for it. What else was she supposed to do?

"No. That would be a little extreme." Buffy answered her with a smile. "Magic is a little different and is harder to fight when you don't have any access to it."

"Okay. I get the message. Anything else?" Raven stood sending her chair sliding back across the floor. 

Buffy sighed as she stood to face the girl. A few minutes ago it seemed that the two were connecting a little, now it seemed they were back to square one with Raven being angry with her.  With a sinking feeling Buffy realized that it would probably be a relationship of one step forward and two steps back for a while anyway. She decided to let Raven's attitude go this time knowing that if she said anything else it would lead to an ugly scene and as long as the girl realized that they wouldn't tolerate her using magic to hurt people that was the important thing.

"Breakfast will be ready in about ten minutes. Will you go up and tell Spike and your brother?"

"Sure. What ever you want." Raven threw out sarcastically as she stomped toward the hall.

"Thank you, Raven." Buffy called out to the girl's back wondering if she would ever reach her but knowing she wouldn't be satisfied until she did. 

_June 15, 2007 11:24 AM_

"I get it. I get it." Elijah screamed as he took off running toward the front of the house. Spike scooped him up as the boy ran pass him in the hall then carried him in a football hold toward the entrance hall. Buffy and Raven followed them so they could peek over Spike's shoulders as he opened the front door.

"Hi, well, I guess this is the whole family, huh?" The woman standing on the front porch smiled broadly as she took in everyone with one sweeping assessment.  "I'm Morgana. And I guess this would be Elijah." Her hand briefly touched the boy's cheek. Then she looked over Spike's shoulder to Raven. "You must be Raven. And you must be Buffy." She reached a hand out to shake Buffy's hand then turned her smile to Spike. "And finally this must be Spike." 

Morgana reached a hand out to shake Spike's hand but since he still held Elijah she let it drop to her side. 

"Come in, please." Buffy said gesturing everybody back so the woman could enter. 

Morgana stepped into the house giving it the same assessing look she had given to their family. 

"You have a beautiful home." She turned to look back at the couple she had come to help. 

Spike put Elijah back on his feet while he watched this woman that Donna had sent to them. Her hair was definitely the first thing you noticed about her. It was bright carrot red that hung just below her shoulders in a perfectly coiffed ringlets. Her petite body was clothed in a white power suit with a short skirt. She was almost as tall as he was in her 3-inch heels. Spike cocked an eyebrow at the potential fireball in front of him wondering if she was any good at what she did. Then she turned to him sweeping him over with a flash of her hazel eyes. When they moved back up to meet his blue ones he could see the calculating intelligence in them and knew that her looks were a tool to her. A way to throw her opponents off and he relaxed in this knowledge. 

"Raven, will you watch Elijah while we talk to Morgana?" Spike asked the girl putting a hand on her shoulder trying to keep contact with her as much as possible. So she wouldn't feel like she was alone. He remembered when he was first chipped if someone would have just touched him it would have made feel more connected to something. As bad as it seemed now losing the feel of his victims against him had left him feeling more alone.

After Raven had taken Elijah into the living room, Spike and Buffy led Morgana into his study so they could talk privately. Spike was leading the way into the room when he looked over his shoulder at Buffy with a smirk on his face then quickly kicked something under the couch. 

Buffy realized with horror that it was her panties from last night. They had been completely forgotten as the morning had been filled with other things. 

"Ummm, would you like a cup of coffee or tea?" Buffy asked refusing to look at Spike who was now sprawled out in his chair. If she looked at him even for a moment she was afraid that she would break down into a fit of giggles.

"I'm fine. Already reached my quota for the day but thank you."

Morgana sat on the couch near Spike's chair while Buffy took a seat next to her. Her briefcase was put on the table and opened. Then she sat back looking at one then the other. 

"So, you two are ready to get married and adopt those children?" She asked them ready to gauge their sincerity. 

"Yes." Buffy and Spike said simultaneously and exchanged a quick smile at their agreement.

Morgana watched the couple in their brief moment of intimacy and felt satisfied that everything would work out. She relaxed as she began to discuss what they would need to do to make their decision a reality.  Over the next hour they went over the legalities of what they would need to do. The paperwork that would have to be filled out and the documents they would need to take with them. They were to meet in the judge's chambers in one week. They would be married first then the adoption would go through.

All the paperwork would be put into the system without going through the usual route but would be entered by a Guardian that worked in the court system. It would all be legal; it just wouldn't pass through several hands on the way and wouldn't end up in Legal Notices in the newspaper. 

After all that was settled, Morgana asked if they had any further questions.

"I do. I guess I need a will or something, so the children and Buffy are taken care of if something happens to me." Spike ventured as he leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs. Making a will so Buffy would be protected was something that Giles had brought up when he had given the vampire the lecture on growing up. It was just one of those things that Buffy and he hadn't gotten around to discussing yet.

Buffy stared in amazement at him. Not once in all the time they had been together had he ever showed any sign of wanting to make sure she was taken care of. Once the books had started to sell the money had followed but other then the one bank account she was on, the rest of it had remained in his name. The house was only in his name also and if something had happened to him, she would have been homeless and without anything to live on.

Once again it seemed like all it took was for Donna to show up and he was eager to do the 'right thing'. It should be Buffy that gave him this nudge to being responsible or giving not some woman he barely knew. Her anger started to build as he sat there and discussed wills and trust funds with Morgana while her mind went through a hundred different scenarios of Spike with Donna.

His eyes flickered over to her as he noticed her settling back against the couch with arms and legs crossed. Her foot slowly swung back and forth as she glared at him. He wondered briefly what he had done wrong this time before turning his attention back to Morgana. 

"Buffy, do you have a will?" Morgana asked breaking through Buffy's murderous thoughts.

"No, I don't have any…" Buffy started to answer hesitantly because it suddenly seemed embarrassing that she had no purpose in life except to be the Slayer and Spike's girlfriend.

"I support her so she can concentrate on Slaying. And now the children." Spike answered for her. 

"Well, she is going to need one. If something happens to both of you then the children will still need to be provided for. I'll have a basic one drawn up and then we'll meet to have everything signed. Okay?" Morgana looked from one to the other catching their responses of approval before she rose.

"Thanks for all your help. We'll see you next Friday." Buffy told her as she started to lead the way toward the front door.

"No problem. These kinds of things are a joy to handle." Morgana responded as she turned to shake their hands again. Then, after a reminder to call her if they needed anything or had any questions, she left.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" Spike asked as soon as the door closed behind their lawyer. Although no one else would probably notice, he knew that Buffy was upset about something, just as he knew that he was the one who had upset her.

Buffy turned to look at him slowly unsure of how to proceed. Everything had been going smooth between them since last night and she didn't want to fight. But she also knew that until she knew what was going on with him she wouldn't be able to let it go.

"Why didn't you ever make a will so that I would be protected?" She moved toward him putting her hand on his waist hoping that he wouldn't become angry again or the demon wouldn't emerge.

Spike looked down at her noting the unease and insecurity in her eyes. Unbidden his hand came out to cup her face running his thumb gently across her cheek in an effort to comfort her.  She leaned into his hand like a kitten seeking the warmth of its mother. Her eyes closed as she tried to prolong the protective feeling she was receiving from him.

As he tried to formulate the words so that she would understand an ear piercing shriek resounded through the upstairs hall.

"Elijah, I told you to stay out of my stuff. Get out of here." Raven shrieked as something either hit a wall or a floor.

Then footsteps pounded down the hall and Elijah started down the stairs running. He didn't even slow down as he passed Buffy and Spike with something still clutched in his hand. A door slammed from the upstairs jarring the pictures on the walls.

Buffy rolled her eyes at Spike as they both realized that things were never going to be the same between them and in their home again.

"I'll take Raven. You find Eli." Spike said as he turned toward the stairs.

Buffy nodded and started off after Elijah.

"We talk tonight, Spike." Buffy called out over her shoulder as she rounded the corner into the living room.

TBC


	13. Be Careful What You Wish For

**Chapter 12 – Be Careful What You Wish For**

_June 15, 2007__11:20 PM___

The night air was cool as it blew around him. Although he didn't need the oxygen Spike inhaled deeply filling his lungs with the sweet scent of flowers Buffy had planted in the garden. He glanced around at the tranquil beauty that surrounded him in their backyard then at the cemetery that started right beyond the wall that encircled their house. Even the marble tombstones with the moonlight shining on them had an air of serenity to it. If only he could dive into it to calm the turmoil in his heart then he might be able to accept the life he was now living. 

With a heavy sigh he sat on the back steps and shook a cigarette from the pack in his hand. After lighting it he let his mind drift back over the past five years with Buffy.  When she had returned he had been so afraid of her leaving again that he showered her with all the love in his heart. They had never talked over what had brought them together again and the time before when they had first lived together (including those tumultuous months apart), had all been swept away under a rug, and they existed in an idyllic fog of love. 

It had been so much fun. The two of them had spent their days fixing up the house, the evenings patrolling and their nights making love. Sometimes it wasn't in that order but never much more than that. Everything to them was foreplay, he thought with a laugh, even their arguing. It had been a life of no responsibilities: nothing heavier to deal with than the next demon, vampire or hell god that wanted to take over the world and they could handle that together. 

It wasn't until everyone around them had grown up or taken a chance on expanding their personal lives that things had gotten rough for them. Spike had sensed the yearnings that started to develop in Buffy as they watched their friends get married and have families. And it scared him. Because he didn't want that much to tie him down. If he could choose he would do nothing but continue to live with Buffy forever the way they were. 

His one distraction from them - his writing - had brought him and Buffy the income that could provide them with what they wanted. If not for her being the Slayer and their duties to fight evil, he would have taken her away to show her the world if only to see the joy of watching her face as she saw and did things that she had only heard or dreamed about. 

The being rooted in one place was also something that itched. Ever since he had been turned he had never stayed in one place as long he had in Sunnydale. But he had remained for her. His love for her was wild and passionate and all consuming of everything that he was and it's intensity chained him to her side. 

Their time apart had taught him that he could stand on his own. He was someone separate from her and didn't need a love to complete him. But once she came back it had flickered at him again and he let it burn him. Let it burn them. She had never gone back to work only doing the classes at Tara's every once in a while. There were a few classes at the university she had attended but there was never a serious attempt at completing her education and it was something that had never bothered him. Actually, it had been something that he had eaten up, having her dependent on him. Now, it chafed.

It all chafed since she had asked him to try to have a baby with her. Their worlds had changed. Buffy especially had changed. There was now an insecurity to her that hadn't been there before. Every month that she hadn't been pregnant she had clung to him a little more emotionally. Buffy wasn't as sure about little decisions like she used to be and she ran to him for things that she hadn't done in years.  The carefree woman he had been living with for the past five years had slowly disappeared and the depression slowly beckoned at her again.

And where it once was a responsibility he accepted gratefully now it was like a weight around him. Once he was willing to be her slave and now he wanted only freedom. The house that had been his haven was now his prison. This human guise was who he thought he could be but now it felt like nothing more than a masquerade ball for his demon side. 

All day he had been watching her. Their smiles were almost uncomfortable when their eyes met as they wondered what was on the other's mind. He still loved her. He knew this as surely as he knew that he would never stand in the sun's embrace again. No one would ever possess his heart like Buffy did. Nor did he want anyone else too.

Then an image drifted through his mind of Donna. The one who made him long for things he couldn't have. Donna's smile was open to him. Her eyes lit up when she looked at him. Like he was a present that she thought she would never have. Buffy hadn't looked at him like that in the beginning. It had been a fight from the start for her to love him and even now he wasn't sure that she fully loved him. There was something that he couldn't put his finger on that stood between them. It was easiest for him to dismiss it by blaming it on her by saying that her heart still longed for Angel. But in all honesty Spike knew that she would never go back to Angel. 

Because Buffy would never leave Spike. Every other man had let her down and he had earned her loyalty by staying. He didn't think she would survive if he left. Her heart would be shattered like fine crystal into tiny shards. It wasn't entirely his ego that told him this but her past. It was the men that had left her alone and returning from the dead. It was the falling to the bottom of the well and climbing back out slowly by the sheer strength of her fingernails in the walls surrounding her.  Another devastating blow and she would probably lose the will to even try.

Spike ground his cigarette against the step glancing up when her scent came to him on the air. She was still a distance away but coming this way. A smile crossed his mouth as he waited for her to appear. He noted the way a chill crept over his skin as he anticipated seeing her. 

Then there she was. Her footsteps were light and springy. It must have a good night. He inhaled deeply of the distinctive odor of her musk. Yes, it was a good night. She had fought well and her body had responded to the kill. He knew without seeing her that she would be coated with a fine mist of sweat and he longed to cover her body with his and lose himself in the vicarious thrill of her violence. 

When Buffy saw him waiting she quickened her footsteps to hasten their reunion. Her smile was open as she came to stand in front of him. His hands came to tug on hers until she was kneeling on the step between his legs. They hesitated a moment as they gazed into each other's eyes. Her face was cradled between his hands then bowed forward as he reached around to free her hair from its restraints. It flowed around them as he spread it out over her shoulders before coming to hold her face again to draw her toward him. 

Their lips met tentatively almost like it was a first kiss. He could taste her willingness to please, her fear, and her love in the soft touch of her mouth. It wound around him and he knew he had to make a decision as to what he wanted. Her tongue requested more from his mouth as it lapped at his lips and he opened for her. A moan rumbled in his throat as she eagerly wrapped her tongue around his. He could almost feel the smile of womanly fulfillment on her lips. 

Buffy smiled up at him as she pulled back. Then a frown took its place as she saw the distant sadness in his eyes.

"Am I losing you?" Her words were soft as they coated him in guilt. Buffy could think of no other reason for his behavior of late, the sometimes almost cruel treatment of her and the emergence of his demon, except that he no longer wanted to be with her. 

Spike's head tilted as he looked down at the woman he had promised to love forever. The one he had promised to stand beside no matter what. And if he didn't change things then next week he would, in the laws of humans, vow these things forever. Human. It left a sour taste in his mouth as he remembered the pussy of a man that he had been. That he was afraid of becoming again. Even for her it wasn't worth it. 

"Spike, please talk to me. I need to know what you are thinking because I am so confused." 

Buffy rose on her knees and leaned her forehead against his. Her fingers gently kneaded his shoulders as she prayed for his love to continue. That he would leave her one day was something she had never contemplated.  

His hands came to cradle her face as he created distance between them again. His eyes searched hers looking for answers in their emerald warmth. 

Maybe he should have left five years ago. Left her with Richard who wouldn't mind the life she wanted. Who could mow the grass in the afternoon sun, who could give her children, who would know he was supposed to make a will to protect her without being told.

One phone call and he could go. He would be in the adrenaline rush of daily fighting, the world would be his to travel again and a woman by his side who had wanted him as he was from first sight. It seemed so easy. Easier than staying here. Easier than dealing with the day to day grind of who he had become. 

But that phone call would destroy the woman in front of him. She would try to survive. Be strong because that was who she was but she would grow careless and in that she would lose the fight one night and never come home. 

Her fate would be his responsibility though. Her unfortunate demise his burden to carry. As he held her face in his hand he knew that he could destroy her with one twist of his hands. Then it would be quick and she would know only one moment of betrayal rather than living it with over days and months until it was her destruction. 

A tear slowly wound its way down his cheek as he pulled her against him. His arms wrapped protectively around her body knowing he could never willingly let harm come to her. 

"Me too, Buffy, me too," he whispered into her ear as she came to sit with her arms wrapped around his waist but still protected with his body surrounding her.

"Let me help," she implored of him to give her a chance.

His cheek came to rest against the top of her head.

"Too much."

"What is?"

"Our lives."

It seemed they were back to an almost monosyllabic conversation but it was better than the cold sarcasm of the last few weeks.

"Then why the children? If it was too much then why say yes."

"Told you. It's like seeing a reflection that I hadn't seen in quite a while. The fascination too much to let them go."

Her fingers drifted across his arm.

"Was it for her?"

"Some."

"Do you want her?" 

Her voice held all the insecurities that her soul could contain.

"The freedom."

Buffy stiffened in his arms as those two simple words hung heavy like an anvil between them. It hovered in the air while it waited for the signal to fall and destroy whatever was below it.

"Am I holding you back?"

The first tear came as fear curled itself in her belly.

"I promised to stay."

The anvil fell onto Buffy's dreams effectively destroying them. He held her tighter as he felt the first shudder take her body.

"Do you want to go?"

Buffy pulled herself together. It wasn't the time to fall apart now. Later if needed.

"Yes."

He whispered into her hair as his fingers dug into her sides. The word had come so easily to her question that it scared him. The demon, the man that he used to be and the being he was now all screamed for him to run before he was caged completely and forever by his love for her. 

"Then go, Spike."

Her words carried a relief to them. As if it would be an end to the pain that they were causing each other if he left. 

"Buffy. Do you want me to go?" 

Something inside of him begged for her to ask him to stay. If she pleaded then he would stay. He could never refuse her what she wanted. It was that flaw that had gotten them to this place where reality was too much. 

"No. I don't want you to go. But I will never beg anyone else to stay with me."

Buffy pulled herself from his arms to stand facing the cemetery refusing to look into the heartbreak of his eyes.  A warm wind came gusting around the corner of the house and she turned her face into its rampage. It dried the traces of tears still on her cheeks and she released her heart to its wayward flight. In that moment something changed within her. The innocent belief that their love would last forever was gone but she wasn't ready to give up on them either. 

It was time to fight for what she wanted. He had done it once for her. She still wasn't sure what was going on with him but she knew that they could handle it together. But first he had to be willing to fight for them. And if it was freedom that he wanted then freedom he would get.

The sounds of his sobs reached her and she turned to go to him. She came to sit beside him on the steps pulling on him until he was half lying across her lap. Her fingers ran through his hair as she cooed soft words of comfort to him. Then when he was ready she pushed him up again. This time his face was cradled in her hands.

"Go, Spike. Figure out what you want. You have a week to give me a decision. I wish I could give you longer but that's when we are supposed to make everything legal."

"But the house and the children?" 

It had never occurred to him that she would tell him to go. That she could be this strong.  It was like a huge chasm had opened up in front of him and he was on the brink of falling in. 

"I'll handle whatever comes up. But you need to decide about those two kids who already love you. If you are going to be with her instead then you need to decide if they are going with the two of you or what. If not then maybe Xander and Anya will take them. I don't think they will give them to me by myself."

"Do you not love me?"

Buffy smiled at his question as already he was coming to face what he thought he wanted.

"Always. But I don't want you with me unless you want to be. Remember a week."

She stood leaving him alone with his choice as she made her way into the house. A quick walk through the house to make sure everything was secure before she made her way upstairs. It took everything she had to stay calm as she checked in on Raven and Eli. Light touches on their cheeks after she had pulled their covers around them then she turned to go to her room. 

Without thinking she reached for the t-shirt Spike had worn the previous day out of the laundry basket. She inhaled his scent as she pulled it over her head. Bed beckoned to her as a safe haven as she curled up holding his pillow against her. 

"It's going to be all right." She whispered to herself as she stared out the window waiting to hear if he would come into the house. 

Finally after a long time she heard the back door shut then followed the sound of his footsteps as they came up the stairs. Buffy closed her eyes as he came into their room then watched him from under her lashes as he went to the closet and pulled his clothes off. 

As his footsteps came closer to her she closed her eyes again then she felt his hand on her shoulder. Her eyes opened to see him squatting next to her. His eyes sought hers out in the near darkness. 

"Buffy, can I still sleep in our bed?"

"Yes."

He stood to walk around the bed to slip in on the other side. Buffy put his pillow back onto his side of the bed before he got there then she slid to the other side away from him. 

The bed gave under his weight as he settled onto his side. Then as she finally drifted into sleep she felt the barest touch of his fingertips against her back.

TBC 

  
  



	14. Suburban Weekend

**Chapter 13 – Suburban Weekends**

_June 17, 2007__2:45 PM_

It was the second day after Buffy had told him to leave but where was he to go? The freedom he wanted was his for the taking but there was no one place that called to him. Last night he had finally found the courage to call Donna using the pretext of Raven's nightmares as an excuse. Donna had seen through his deception as they talked though she let him take the lead. Spike couldn't find the courage or the willingness to say the words, 'I want to see you', and had ended the call rather quickly. Her laughter at his discomfort had taken him back to his human days again and his frustration had grown. Before they hung up though she had told him that The Guardians were sending her to Japan at the end of the week and after that she would be 'unavailable'. For the second time in as many days, he had been given a time frame by a woman and both expected him to decide a lifetime in only a few days.

The sound of a car door opening and laughter drew him to the living room window. It was Buffy returning from her outing with the children. He had still been sleeping when she came to tell him they were going to do some shopping. Then she had looked the other way when she had told him that Xander and his family and Dawn and Josh would be coming over for dinner. She felt that it was time for everyone to start meeting the children and if they wouldn't be together then it would be a good idea for Xander and Anya to have a chance to meet Raven and Elijah before she asked the couple to adopt them.  

As she was walking out the door Buffy had turned back to look at him.

"Please be there."

One eyebrow rose and a smirk had crossed his face at her request. He had assumed that she was too embarrassed to tell everyone of their potential breakup.

"They know about us. I am asking for Raven and Eli. They don't need to know anything yet."

It felt like someone had punched him in the gut at the thought of everyone else knowing what he had done to her. They accepted him on his own as a part of them but now after this he didn't know what they would do. He knew Dawn would be beyond livid with him and that she felt a sense of responsibility for him and Buffy being together and had been his staunchest ally in his pursuit of her sister.

Buffy's sigh showed her impatience of waiting for him to reply so that she could leave. 

"I'll be there."

A quick nod and she was gone. He had lain there as he listened to them get ready to leave, the closing of the door, then the car doors and finally the Desoto backing out of the driveway.

"_We are going to need a new car now_." Spike thought out of concern for them before he remembered that they weren't his concern if he didn't want them to be. 

He had roamed the house aimlessly while they were gone telling himself that he really couldn't go anywhere until nightfall anyway. Then to placate himself he made a promise to himself to go somewhere tonight after the dinner and the kids were asleep. The slight niggling of missing them was repressed. _They _were what he wanted to be free from so there was no way that he felt lonely without them in the house. 

But now they were home and he moved to open the front door for them as they brought packages in from the car. As Buffy moved into the house he reached for some bags to help her but she pulled away from him and muttered that it wasn't his responsibility anymore. His hands fell uselessly to his sides as he turned to head for his study. Rejected and alone he told himself he didn't need her. 

"Spike, hey, are you busy?" Raven asked as he moved away.

"No, why?" He asked almost hurriedly. 

"Buffy let me get a new PlayStation game and I thought we could play."

"Okay, princess. Finish helping Buffy and I'll wait in the living room."

"Thanks." Raven turned to hurry back to help unloading the groceries and the other things they had bought so she could get to the fun stuff. 

Spike changed his direction for the living room trying to ignore the feeling of contentment he felt now that the house was full again. He sat on the couch reaching for the remotes to turn everything on when Buffy came into the room walking toward him.

"Here on the receipts for what I bought. If you want, keep a total and I'll pay you back later. I already have Tara setting up a new class schedule for me." Buffy wasn't really sure what the rules were at this point. She had expected him to take off on Friday but he was still here although they were keeping distance between them. 

The remote control was tossed back down on the table as Spike exploded at her words. He stood to look down at her about to shout before hearing Elijah in the next room his words came out as a harsh whisper.

"Bloody hell, Buffy, I don't expect you to pay me back. As long as you are living here I told you I would take care of you." The irony of his words was lost on him as he felt only irritation at her attempt at independence.

"And I told you that you were free from any responsibilities concerning me because you wanted it that way. So, I'll pay you back." 

Buffy dropped the receipts on the table before heading back to the kitchen. He had to get out of here he told himself as he sat on the couch leaning his head on the back of it. A strong shot of whiskey, a few good games of poker with some unsavory blokes and a pretty bar maid to wait on him was what he needed. A trip to the Edge was defiantely his destination after his family duties tonight. 

"Are we still going to play?"  Raven asked hesitantly, noticing Spike's foul mood and not wanting him to get mad at her.

"Yeah, we are. Sorry I was just thinking bout something." 

They spent the next couple of hours playing her new game. He rarely had to help her out as she moved through the game with a tenacity of a bull dog. Spike listened to the sounds of Buffy starting to prepare dinner in the background. Her voice was gentle as she kept Elijah busy at the same time. Spike's irritation had grown reminding him of why he didn't want to be here anymore. His eyes occasionally drifted toward the clock hoping that time would suddenly fly so he could leave.

"Hey, Spike, Buffy, you home?" Clem called as he came up the hallway toward the living room. After he had caught the couple in a compromising position once or twice he started announcing his arrival as soon as he came through the basement door. 

Smiling as he heard the sound coming from the PlayStation he hurried down the hall but as he rounded the corner he froze as he saw Spike sitting on the floor next to a girl he had never seen before. 

"Uh, am I interrupting something?" Clem looked around wondering where Buffy was and why she had left Spike with some other girl. 

Spike turned to look at him relieved that he had a friend around. A demon friend. 

"No, mate, come on in. I want you to meet Raven."  He gestured Clem to enter with one hand while he put one hand on the girl's shoulder so she would turn around to meet his friend.

Raven paused the game shifting to her knees so she could look around. Her eyes opened wide and her mouth dropped as she saw a demon come to sit on the couch behind them. The Slayer allowed demons in her house? Surprised she turned to look at Spike as he grinned at her.

"Raven, I want you to meet Clem. He's a friend of mine and Buffy's. He lives in my old crypt in the cemetery. It's connected to the house so he's around here a lot." Then he turned to Clem eagerly anticipating the shock Clem was going to receive. "Clem, I'd like you meet Raven. Buffy and I are planning on adopting her and her brother, Elijah." 

Clem gave Spike the reaction that he was looking for as his mouth opened just like Raven's had a moment ago.

"Wow, hibernate for a couple of days and everything changes." Clem smiled at the girl relieved that the situation wasn't what he had been expecting, namely, that his friend had been having an affair but once the girl had turned around he knew that wasn't what was going on as he saw how young she was.  

Before anymore could be said between them the front door banged open.

"Buffy, we're here." Dawn called out purposely not saying anything to Spike. When Buffy had called her crying this morning Dawn had been more than ready to stake a certain vampire. Okay, maybe not stake him because that would hurt Buffy even more but a definite beating would be in order.

Buffy came out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a dish towel stopping as she saw not only Dawn and Josh but everyone in the family come traipsing through their front door. What was supposed to be a small gathering had become a family reunion rivaling Christmas dinner. Her gaze turned to Spike and they looked at each other for a moment before Buffy shrugged her shoulders trying to convey that this wasn't her idea. 

Willow came over to Buffy holding a covered dish in her hands.

"We know we weren't all invited but word got out that you were ready to introduce the children and the…and well, we couldn't resist seeing how things were going." Willow handed the dish to the astonished Buffy. "But we all brought some extra food since you weren't expecting us."

The family pushed into the living room hugging Buffy and greeting Clem. Mostly Spike was ignored except for looks, some of curiosity and some of anger, and he once again felt like the outsider he had been years ago.

Raven and Elijah were introduced to everyone as they stood close together. Elijah's thumb was back in his mouth and his arm was again wrapped around Raven's leg. They were wide eyed as they took in these people who were going to be their family. These people were loud and noisy and affectionate as they were greeted by everyone and welcomed into their midst. 

Aidan and Elijah took an instant liking to each other and took off for to play in Elijah's room. As they hurried off Elijah was busy describing the new toys that Buffy had gotten him that day. Raven wished there was someone closer to her age in this crowd of people but Dawn stuck by her and then dragged her off to help unload her car. The older girl started to ask a million questions that the 'adults' wouldn't think to ask being no longer hip to current trends.

"Hi, Spike. Are you doing all right?" Tara asked with a hand on his arm breaking him from his thoughts. "You look kind of out of it."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." He smiled down at the blond witch grateful knowing that if anyone in this family would still be nice to him it would be her. Reaching over he took Jacob from her arms. "Hey, buddy, miss me?"

The now 13 month old smiled shyly and nodded his head at his Uncle Spike. His sweet agreement was rewarded with an overhead swing and laughter from the man holding him. 

"Me next." Little Jessica pulled on Spike's pants legs not wanting to be left out of the games. Spike ended up sitting on the floor so that both children could play with him. Their nonsensical babble and talk was taken seriously as the cuddles and kisses went both ways. 

The family settled around the living room and kitchen talking and laughing. The afternoon continued as they all relaxed with one another. Finally Spike was included in the conversations as they become more comfortable around him again. It didn't hurt the situation that Buffy wasn't acting any differently around him with the exception that they weren't affectionate like they normally were.  He didn't seem to be any different than he was at any other time. It was like he was still apart of them and not someone who wanted to leave it all behind. 

It was after dinner and after he had given up on anyone giving him lectures that Dawn cornered him. He had headed toward his study for a break to check his email but as he passed the bathroom Dawn had caught up with him. She grabbed his arm and hauled him into the room swinging him until he caught his hip against the counter.

"Damn it, Dawn. What the soddin' hell do you think you're doing?" He bit out at her as he rubbed his hip.

She reached up to grab him by the front of his shirt and threw him back against the wall before coming to stand face to face with him.

"No, you son of a bitch, it's what the hell do you think you are doing to my sister?" She spat.

"Come on, Dawn, give me a chance to explain." He told her hoping she would let go of him. Even if he could fight back he wouldn't. Not that he was afraid of someone else retaliating but because he loved her too much to hurt her. 

"No, you don't need to explain. I already know the answer. You are thinking with your damn dick instead of your heart and head. Buffy worships the ground you walk on and you are in heat for some slut." 

Dawn pulled him forward a little then slammed him back into the wall again. Then she let go of him turning to sit on the edge of the tub.

"I don't understand it. Spike, you walked away from her five years ago, why now?" Her voice cracked as she stared in disbelief at the man she thought of as her brother and she couldn't help feeling betrayed as well.

Spike sighed as he looked down at the floor. It was hard when someone constantly put you on a pedestal to try to live up to their expectations. He went to sit on the toilet next to her reaching out to take her hands in his.

"It's been hard these past few months, Niblet.  I just feel caged." He stopped because he still didn't understand everything he was feeling himself.

"Do you love her?"

"Donna? No." He stared at Dawn in astonishment that she would even ask him that.

"No. Buffy. Do you still love my sister?"

"Of course I do. I'm always going to love her." 

Dawn searched his eyes looking to see if he was telling the truth. Once satisfied that he still did love Buffy she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper holding it out to him. He took it from her unfolding it slowly and as he read the words his eyes opened in astonishment.

"These were being passed out in the quad yesterday. It seems like they are beginning to put feelers out for followers here." Dawn said as Spike stared at her then back down at the flyer.

It was for a new club being formed at the University called 'Celebrate Your Humanity'. The club was described as an organization for people who wanted to celebrate life and being human. 

"Spike, listen to me for a minute with a clear head. We've been doing some research into these SoL people. Something isn't adding up and although we don't have any proof yet we have a pretty good idea of what's going on."

Dawn waited until she was sure that she had his undivided attention before proceeding.

"Don't you think it's kind of odd that this Donna woman has been holding a torch for you for five years even going as far as to keep tabs on you? I know you're special but that special?"

"Hey, thanks, give a guy's ego a good stroking."

"The only person who needs to be giving you any kind of stroking is Buffy." Dawn chuckled and then sobered again. "Then Donna shows up one day out of the blue with two kids for you and Buffy to adopt. Buffy said that she knew that if she didn't agree to it that you would probably have married Donna for them. That's a little weird for me."

Spike turned his head removing his hands from hers as shame moved through him. Even he couldn't fully explain the idiocy of such an idea. It was just such a strong vibe that moved through him that night that these children were his and he had to do whatever it took for that to happen. 

"Spike, why didn't they kill Raven when they had a chance to do it?"

"What do you mean?" Neither he nor Buffy had really read through the file yet and they hadn't asked Raven any questions yet.

"Raven doesn't have any powers unless she touches Elijah, right?" Dawn already knew that she was right because Buffy had filled her in on everything but she waited until after Spike nodded before she proceeded. "From the newspaper accounts of the murders, their parents were shot in their backyard, before they had a chance to fight back. Raven had hidden Eli in the attic when she saw the shooting from her bedroom but the police found her in her closet. Why didn't they search the house and kill her then? She couldn't have fought back. Why wait to follow her around the country for three months?"

"Maybe it's because she was a kid." But then he remembered that Donna had said that the SoLs had known that Raven had seen them and that's why they wanted her dead. His eyes met Dawn's as the questions started to organize in his mind. He stood and paced the small room but as he turned to go back Dawn was standing in his way.

"What happens when you are in battle and Buffy does this?" Dawn held her hand out behind her but before Spike could answer she continued, "And what does she want when she calls your name?"

"Help."

"So, what would happen if you weren't there? None of us can take your place beside her. We can try but we can't do it."

"What are you saying, Niblet?"

"I'm saying that Donna is conveniently nearby when these kid's parents are murdered to take care of them. That for some reason Raven was spared at the scene but is now being followed. That when you and Buffy are having trouble in your relationship Donna mysteriously shows up on your doorstep with the one thing you and Buffy want. Kids. Then lets you know that she is still lusting for you. Have you talked to her since Friday?"

"Yeah, last night." He ignored the angry look in Dawn's eyes as he finished explaining. "She said the Guardians are sending her to Japan the end of this week."

"So, if you go with her, you would be with her in Japan when the SoLs hold their first meeting in Sunnydale next week. The one place where people have a knowledge of the demons whether they admit it or not and are more likely to want to join them which would make their organization mainstream and make them stronger to branch out in other places."

"But Donna works for the Guardians. They are the ones who are fighting for good Demons." 

"Donna left the Guardians two and half years ago and rejoined about 15 months ago which is about the time the Soldiers of Light appeared." Dawn held his gaze letting the seriousness of the situation show in her eyes. "Spike, she is trying to separate you and Buffy."

"Bloody Hell!" Spike said right before he slammed his fist through the bathroom wall. After extricating his hand from the wall he leaned forward with both hands on the undamaged part of the wall.

"We need to tell Buffy."  Spike looked over at Dawn watching him in concern. Never in his life did he feel as much of a fool as he did at this moment. And he knew as soon as he walked out of this bathroom the feeling would intensify as he faced his family.

"Giles is talking to her right now. Now, you may not like it but we have come up with a plan." 

Dawn then began to explain to Spike what they had come up with to find out exactly what was going on. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile across the house in the dining room Giles was having the same talk with Buffy. He had already explained to Buffy his suspicions of Donna's possible involvement with the Soldiers of Light and was now finishing explaining the plan they had come up with. 

  
"Buffy, as much as I hate to say it I think the best way to find out what is going on with her is for Spike to be with her.  If she thinks that he is there of his own free will then she might slip up or he might be able to find something out." 

"No, Giles, I am not going to willingly send Spike to that woman." Buffy told her former watcher vehemently. It was inconceivable that this was the plan her family had come up with; for Buffy to throw Spike out of the house and for him to turn to Donna. 

"Buffy, we need to know and that's the only way to get close enough to her."  Giles hated asking Buffy to do this with all the problems she and Spike were having but they couldn't come up with anything else. Since Spike had told him of the children and how they had come to be with them he had his suspicions. He immediately had Willow and Dawn start doing research on these Soldiers of Light and on Donna. It was just too coincidental for him how it had all come about.

"What about the judge and Morgana? Are they legitimate?"

"Yes, they are. And the adoption would be legal too. As far as we can tell it's just Donna working both sides." Giles knew from Buffy's question that she was worried that if the adoption went through it wouldn't be legal and she would eventually lose the children that she was already considering hers. 

"But why separate us? Why not just kill us?" 

"We are assuming that since they are setting up camp here in town that they are going to try and out you as the Slayer. Then announce that you are a traitor to humans by being with Spike. They can use him as an example that you can't trust a demon. They don't have the morals that we do. That they don't value family the way we do because he walked out on you and the children." Giles tried to explain what his suspicions were concerning this group. They didn't have a lot of facts but if Donna was working for them and had brought Raven and Elijah here then they had to have a reason for it. This was the only thing to him that made a whole lot of sense. To use the couple somehow as an example for what they felt was wrong. 

Buffy stood crossing her arms as she stared out the window. It was like they had been set down in a surreal version of her life. To think that Donna was deliberately involved in something so horrible was disturbing. As much as Buffy disliked the woman, she had befriended Spike when he gone to get his soul and had helped him out as much as she could. It seemed inconceivable that she was now trying to destroy him. 

"Giles, why Spike? Why would Donna do this if she's now a Soldier? Spike would be everything she is against." Buffy turned to look at the man she hoped would have all the answers she needed.

"I don't know Buffy. I can only surmise that they have some plan for him once he would be with Donna. Something that would end…badly." He didn't want to tell Buffy that he felt that they would eventually destroy Spike in another attempt of proving that demons can't be integrated with humans.

But Buffy knew without him saying what would happen to him. Tears gathered in her eyes and she didn't try to fight them. They rolled down her cheeks as she thought of what might have happened to Spike if he had already gone to Donna. 

As soon as Giles saw Buffy breaking down he rushed to her side pulling her into his arms. After all the couple had been through it wasn't fair that they had to deal with this too. His hands gently rubbed her back as he waited out her tears. 

Suddenly she pulled back wiping her tears harshly away. There didn't seem to be any other way to find out what they were up to except to send Spike to the woman he wanted to leave her for. 

"Let's do this." 

Then she turned to leave the dining room to join her family again.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Dawn, I can't do this. I can't leave Buffy now." Spike protested the plan adamantly. He had never walked away from Buffy before during a fight and was afraid that by going he would leave her vulnerable. After he had fully comprehended what Dawn had told him relief had swept through him that he didn't have a decision to make anymore. It had been taken out of his hands. No matter what he wanted he would stay as long as Buffy and the children were in danger.

"There isn't any other way, Spike. We have to know if Donna is involved and what they are up to." Dawn told him emphatically. She hated this idea of sending Spike into the arms of a woman he had always wanted but she had to believe that his love for Buffy was stronger than any lust he could have.

Spike finally nodded knowing that she was right. There didn't seem to be any other way to find out what Donna was up to. He was just afraid that whatever would happen would destroy his family forever.

Dawn led the way out into the living room. He followed her afraid of facing everyone with them knowing how weak he was.  The first person he saw when he walked into the room was Buffy. Her eyes held the evidence of her tears and his heart hurt knowing that the pain wouldn't be going anywhere any time soon.

"The house is free from bugs so no one is listening to us. Josh checked it out earlier with that infernal thing that sounds like a game something or other." Giles commented to the couple facing off on opposite sides of the room. "But we think the house is being watched so the two of you will have to put on a show for them. Show them a fight with Buffy throwing Spike out at the end. And a little shouting would probably help too. The children are all sleeping in Elijah's room and Tara has put a spell around it so they won't hear anything."

When he was done Giles lowered his head hating what he was doing to them. Then he heard something being thrown and looked up in surprise.

"Giles told me everything, you bastard. How could you do this to us? How? For a piece of ass?" Buffy screamed at Spike. 

"Buffy, come on. If you weren't so damn needy and clinging maybe I wouldn't have to look elsewhere for some fun." 

Buffy whirled around and took off for the stairs with Spike on her heels. The others in the room looked at each other knowing that the words being shouted weren't just a game between the two but emotions that had been simmering for a while. They listened as the two screamed at each other all the way up the stairs. 

Slamming the bedroom door open Buffy headed for the dresser yanking out drawers and pulling out Spike's clothes.

"Get your stuff together. I don't want you here anymore." 

Spike reached into the closet grabbing a duffel bag and started to stuff some of the clothes Buffy was throwing on the floor into it.

"Buffy, don't do this." Spike whispered as his chest tightened in fear of really losing her. "I don't want to leave like this."

He stood trying to get the zipper done and didn't see the fist aimed at his face. The blow made him stagger backwards. The next punch pushed him back into their closet with Buffy following him in. Spike raised his arms to ward her off not wanting to hit her back. She grabbed his arms and pulled them down then she was on him. Her lips desperately crashed into his with all the love in her heart.  It took him only a second to pull her as close to him as he could. Their kiss was hard and needful conveying all their fears and loneliness for the other in it. 

"Don't you ever forget where you belong. I can give you all the space you need but I will never stop being yours." Buffy whispered raggedly as she finally let him go. 

His eyes widened as he looked at the woman before him like he had never seen her before. This woman was strong and determined unlike the Buffy he had been living with for the past few months. But there wasn't time to figure things out as she walked away from him knowing that it was time for him to leave. He followed her out into the hallway clutching the bag in his hands as he headed for Elijah's room.

Spike knelt beside the boy's bed and gently shook him awake. 

"Hey, Eli, I need to go away for a little while but I will be back soon. Okay?" He hugged the child taking a few more moments to reassure him that he would be back. When the child was settled again he returned to the hallway and found Raven waiting for him. She launched herself on him clutching him in a bear hug as she sobbed against him. 

"Promise you'll be back."

"I promise. I'll be back in a few days. Do me a favor?" He pushed Raven away from him for a moment.

"What?" 

"Help Buffy. She is going to need it. Be a good girl while I'm gone. Please." Then he pulled her back into his arms gently kissing her brow.

Raven couldn't speak and only nodded her head against him. Spike began to move down the stairs still holding her while Buffy followed. At the bottom of the stairs waiting for them was Dawn.

"Everyone else is staying in the living room. Don't want to make this too suspicious with all of us wishing you goodbye." Dawn explained everyone's absence in the foyer.

They stood there for a second then Dawn rushed to hug him on his free side.

"You better come back."

"I promised till the end of the world and I meant it, Niblet." Spike told her as he hugged her good bye.

Then with a nod to Buffy he released his girls and was ready for the final scene to their fight. Buffy kissed him quickly then grabbed his duffel bag and opened the front door. 

"Get out. Get out of here now," she screamed as she threw the bag out the door. 

"Fine, I don't want to be staying here with a bitch like you anyway." He bellowed as he walked away from them. After grabbing his bag he strapped it to the back of the bike and soon roared away from them. 

Buffy stood on the porch and watched him drive away feeling like she had just lost the best part of her. Then she collapsed onto the steps where Willow came to her wrapping her arms around her. 

"Oh my God, what have I done? I can't do this." She sobbed into the arms of her best friend as her world fell apart.

TBC


	15. Distance Between Us

**Chapter 14 – Distance Between Us**

_June 18, 2007__12:22 AM___

"Is she doing any better?" Giles asked as soon as Willow stepped into the living room. Buffy had disappeared upstairs almost two hours ago with Willow and Dawn behind her. Since that time the rest of them had been waiting.

"She's bad. Like Angel leaving her bad." Willow said.

"It's worse than Angel leaving her bad because she didn't puke her guts up for over an hour then." Dawn added as she followed Willow into the room.

"Didn't she do that when she was in Dallas? When she found about the shootings." Anya asked.

"Well, it's nice to know that Spike does bring out the best in our Buffster." Xander quipped hoping to break some of the tension in the room. They had all been lost in guilt as they had listened to the sounds of Buffy crying and vomiting upstairs. Kate had been ready to leave to get a tranquilizer for her when Willow had come back downstairs. 

"Where is she now?" Giles asked.

"She's getting cleaned up then she will be down." Dawn informed them. 

"Did you all get a chance to mention the Max part of the plan?" Giles asked.

"What plan with Max?" Buffy slipped into the room still shaking from nerves with her arms crossed in front of her. Her eyes were swollen from crying appearing huge in her pale face.

Buffy spotted Kate nursing Benjamin and went to sit next to her needing the warmth of the scene. Curling up beside them she leaned her head on Kate's shoulder as she absently played with the baby's foot.

"What about Max?" Buffy asked again as the others only stared at her. It had turned out to be one of the worst nights of her life and if there was more she wanted to be told now.

Her family looked from one to the other trying to nonverbally decide who would tell Buffy her side of the plan. Finally Dawn sighed and walked over to her sister taking a seat on the table in front of the couch. 

"Since Max was with Donna on this trip we need to know if he is involved too. And if he's not then find out if he can help us at all." She explained to Buffy hoping that this part of things wouldn't send Buffy over the edge.

"Okay, so what's the big deal and why wasn't this brought up when Spike was still here?" She asked looking over Dawn's shoulder to Giles.

He sighed knowing that he wasn't going to escape responsibility for this. 

"We want you to call him on the pretext of meeting him for a…rendezvous." Giles said carefully pulling his glasses off in a flurry of trying not to see her response.

"Excuse me. You want me to what?" Buffy said a little too loudly making Benjamin squawk in protest. "Sorry, sweetie."  She said to the infant kissing the bottom of his foot.

"You know..call him all distraught about Spike leaving you for Donna. Imply that you want to get a little revenge and you know." Willow tried to explain but was more flustered than helpful.

"And why do you think he would even want to with me?" Buffy asked

"Buffy, come on, the guy would have to be an idiot to turn you down." Xander offered helpfully only to receive an elbow in his side from his wife. "Owww, not that I wouldn't…I mean I would" He backtracked.

"Like Spike." Buffy said softly.

"Honey, he's just going through something. You know he's loved you forever. He'll come around." Tara offered. 

"I hope so. Okay, so I get Max to meet me, then I am supposed to…" Buffy asked trying to clarify the plan.

"Question him and try to get information about Donna, about the Soldiers. Try to find out what side he is on." Dawn clarified.

"I hope none of you go into couple counseling because there wouldn't be a surviving couple in your practice. Somebody hand me the phone."  Buffy gave into her family's ridiculous plan stamping down the small feeling of hope that this would make Spike jealous.

Once Buffy had the phone she flipped through the address book on the table to find Max's cell phone number. She reached out for Dawn's hand as she dialed the number and waited for someone to answer.

"Hello." A rich baritone came through the line making Buffy want to hang up like a teenage girl scared because she was calling a boy for the first time.

"Max?" Buffy asked softly the tears coming again. Max had seemed so supportive when she had met him and maybe he could make her understand.

"Yeah, who is this?"

"It's Buffy."

"Buffy, hey, how are you? Are the kids all right?" Max's voice filled with concern as he thought of the children. 

Then Buffy lost it again as the tears turned into sobs.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry for calling you so late. The kids are fine. It's Spike. He left me for Donna." She managed to get out between the tears.

"What? What possessed him to do something so stupid?" 

His voice was so kind and caring that Buffy just started speaking more truth than plan.

"I don't know he's always had a thing for her.  And she just seemed to be all flirty and everything that night. He can smell it, you know. When a woman gets turned on. Well, apparently she was all odorous that night because it got him all revved up."

"Buffy, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Max asked.

"I don't know where to turn. Can we meet? To talk or something?" Buffy was at the point of hiccupping through her words.

There was a stunned silence on the other side of the phone and Buffy tried to fill it.

"I'm sorry. My family is blaming it on me and they won't listen. And I just need to be with someone who is nice and understands. Oh, God, I just want someone to hold me and I don't know where to turn. Please don't make me beg." 

"Okay. Okay. Is this afternoon soon enough?" Max asked.

"Yeah, that's fine. Where?"

"There's a hotel up the coast from Sunnydale called the Melody Motel. I'll meet you there about

1:00 and I'll call your cell phone to give you the room number as soon as I get there. Okay?"

"That's fine. Thank you. I'll see you then."

"Alright. And Buffy don't worry it's going to be okay." Max tried to reassure her before they hung up.

Buffy clicked the phone off and laid it on the table then started to wipe her tears away.

"It's done. I meet him at one." 

She stood and looked around at her family.

"I'm going to go to bed now. Figure out who will stay with Raven and Elijah, please."

Then Buffy walked out of the room leaving her family staring at her retreating figure.

_June 18, 2007__12:22 AM___

The Edge was loud and noisy filled with its usual clientele of humans and demons. Spike sat at the bar about to take another shot of his old buddy Jack when her face came between him and the glass. Buffy with her eyes wide and passion filled after tackling him in the closet had turned him on more than he had been in a long time. The only thing he had wanted was to push her to the floor and take her roughly. To have her scream in his ear as he made her cum but he couldn't. Now, he was sitting here trying to get enough liquid fortitude in him to make the next step.

He picked the glass up, raised it to his vision of Buffy, and then drank it down in one swallow.  With a raised hand he signaled Arnie over.

"Hey, man, I am out of here. Sell me a bottle. 'kay?" He asked while pulling money out of his wallet.

"Spike, ya know I can't sell ya a bottle. Go on home and make up with Buffy. She's probably crying her eyes out all alone." Arnie tried giving him some friendly advice not liking the fact that Spike was here instead of at home.

The image Arnie gave him made Spike want to run home even more but he couldn't. He laughed as he thought that yesterday all he wanted to do was get away now he just wanted to go back. 

"Come on; just sell me a bloody bottle. Leave it out and I'll steal it." Spike said throwing extra money on the bar. 

Arnie gave him a funny look but took the money and left a new bottle for him. Spike nodded, grabbed the bottle and walked out the door. He walked around the side of the building to where he had left his bike. Reaching into the pocket of his jacket he pulled out his cell phone and slowly dialed her number.

"Hello?" A sleepy feminine voice answered.

"Donna, sorry for waking you. I want to see you." Spike said putting more of a drunken slur into his voice than was necessary.

"Spike? It's almost one in the morning. What's going on?" Donna sounded a little bit more awake.

"Buffy kicked me out. Said I wasn't good enough for her anymore."

"Come over." Donna said softly and quickly gave him directions. She was only about an hour away staying in an extended stay apartment. 

"_Well, that really helps keep the bad guys from finding my children. Stay close by so they can find you." Spike thought to himself as he poured half the bottle out so it would appear that he had already drunk it. As he watched the amber liquid soak into the ground he realized he had thought of Raven and Elijah as his children and he knew in his heart that he had to keep them safe.  With renewed determination to make this plan work he started on his way to Donna's house. _

_June 18, 2007__1:25 AM___

No matter which way Buffy turned she couldn't get comfortable. Even holding his pillow didn't help. There was no cool body to wrap herself around. No arm around her waist and no hard body to cushion her bottom against. She missed him and her mind kept imagining him with Donna causing anger and hurt to well up in her again. 

"Damn it," she exclaimed as she threw his pillow, which was the last one on the bed, onto the floor hating the fact she was so dependent on him that she couldn't even sleep without him there.

A giggle by the door caused her to sit up to see who was there. Raven was watching as she leaned against the door jamb. Buffy let a giggle slip out realizing she probably did look ridiculous as she lay there with her arms and legs askew. All the pillows were on the floor and the covers kicked to the end of the bed.

"Hey, I can't sleep." She told Raven softly.

"Me neither," the girl told her. The look in her eyes was so lonely that Buffy extended her hand to the young girl. Raven came to her slowly picking up pillows on the way. She looked so forlorn yet tried to be so proud that Buffy smiled in sympathy. Buffy reached out and took the pillows from the girl arranging them on the head of the bed then reached down to pull the comforters over her leaving a corner up so Raven could slip in. 

"Thanks." Raven whispered afraid of speaking. Although she knew about the plan, Spike leaving had hurt and angered her so much. It wasn't right that he should leave them alone and that Buffy should be so hurt from it. If it was just a game than why was Buffy so upset? 

"It's going to be okay."  Buffy whispered back. It was like when Willow would spend the night and they would whisper so her mom wouldn't come in and yell at them to go to sleep. Not that Joyce ever really yelled about anything.

"Is it?" 

"Yeah, it will be. Spike never breaks a promise." Buffy knew this. He would never have broken his promise to her no matter how much he hated keeping it or ended up hating her because of it. Promises were meant to be kept.

"Me too?" Elijah asked standing at the door with his thumb in his mouth.

As soon as Buffy invited him he took off running then made a leap into the bed making the occupants bounce from the impact. Buffy and Raven laughed as they pulled him up between them. Once he was settled under the covers they snuggled up against him. To anyone watching they would appear to be one large lump in the middle of the bed but to them it was comforting. It took a few minutes of giggles and tickles before they started to settle down. First Elijah then Raven drifted off as Buffy watched them smiling.  

"Well, if Spike isn't here to keep me company at least I have our children." She thought startling herself with the realization that they were really becoming their children. And a tear drifted down her face as she thought that this plan needed to work for them.

_June 18, 2007__1:45 AM_

Spike pulled up to the door that had the number that Donna gave him on it. He cut the motor of the bike as he pulled the bottle out of his pocket. He took the lid and threw it into the bushes then grabbed his duffel bag off the back of the bike.  Fear twined through his belly as the reality of facing his fantasy was coming true.

"_Think Big Bad," he told himself as he approached the door. After taking a long swig of the whiskey he knocked, leaning on the door jamb trying to appear nonchalant and cool._

The door opened slowly to reveal Donna standing there. His eyes traced the lines of the green satin robe she wore over a nightgown of the same color both ending around her ankles. Spike unconsciously licked his lips when he noticed her nipples straining against the material. He forced his eyes up to meet her hazel ones that gazed at him with mirth.

"Well, hello, Spike, so nice to see you again," she told him before stepping back to give him room to enter. 

He purposely stumbled into the room taking another drink from the bottle. After tossing his bag into a corner he flopped onto the couch. 

"Come here," he told her with a smirk and held his hand out to her. While she walked toward him he deliberately ran his eyes over her body again as she sat next to him on the couch. She curled her body so that she was facing him so he turned toward her. 

"So, what happened between you and Buffy?" She asked while her eyes watched his hand slowly go to her knee.

"She found out about us." Spike said softly his fingers tracing the inside of her knee slowly gathering the material up so that her leg was revealed.

"Oh, is there an us?" Donna asked swatting his hand away from her. 

"Yeah. We all know it. We just haven't consummated it yet," Spike replied as he slowly brought his eyes to meet hers as his hand resumed his previous venture. 

"So, you came to consummate us?" Donna asked him as she laughed huskily. 

"It was a thought." His hand continued its ministrations but knowing he had to slow things down he pulled away from her. He took another long swig from the bottle then afterwards he gave a loud belch and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"Well, I don't think anything is going to happen tonight in your condition." She told him standing rather abruptly with a small look of disgust in her eyes.

"Nothing wrong with my condition, pet." Spike leered at her while grabbing his crotch.

Donna rolled her eyes and wandered off coming back a few moments later with a pillow and a blanket for him. 

"You can sleep out here," she told him putting them down on the couch but Spike was pretending to be half passed out. "Oh, Good God, you show up on my door and then pass out. How nice of you." Donna muttered as she knelt to pull his boots off.  

Spike opened his eyes to look down at her.  Her robe was gaping open giving him an ample view of her breasts straining against the bodice of her gown. He froze as he stared down at her when suddenly she looked up into his eyes. Everything he had fantasized about was there for him and he suddenly didn't want to wait anymore. Leaning down he moved his hand into her hair so he could pull her to him. Their lips met slowly as he tasted her. Before lust dulled his senses, he remembered Buffy, the children and the Soldiers and reluctantly he pulled back from her knowing he had to wait. Knowing this was wrong. 

"Sorry." He whispered to her not liking the feelings he was having or the hurt in her eyes.

"Go to sleep, Spike. We'll talk tomorrow," she told him shoving him back onto the couch. Then she stood and left him lying there alone turning the light out on her way out.

TBC


	16. Undercover

**Chapter 15 – Undercover**

_June 18, 2007__10:18 AM___

As Spike slowly woke, he became aware of the strangeness of his environment. The couch he was lying on was too small for him and his back was out of kink. His mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton and his head was pounding thanks to the whiskey. From the lack of sound, he realized that he was alone in the small apartment. With this knowledge he relaxed, raising his hands over his head as he stretched slowly trying to bring his body back to consciousness. 

Suddenly the door was opened and the sun fell across his arms and face. The exposed flesh immediately began to smoke as the pain ripped along his nerve endings

"Bloody Hell," he yelled jumping out of harm's way as the door was quickly slammed shut. 

Donna hurried over to him putting a bag down on the table before reaching for his arm to check for injury.

"Spike, I'm sorry. I didn't even think about it." she apologized. 

He watched her cautiously as she softly ran her hands softly over his flesh making sure that he wasn't burned seriously.

"It's okay, pet. You're not used to living with a vampire." He tried to reassure her while searching her face for duplicity but there didn't seem to be anything in her eyes except genuine concern. 

They both relaxed a little once she was assured that he was going to be okay. Donna smiled at him as she lifted a bag off the table to show him. 

"I went out to get you some blood. If you want I could heat some up for you. You'll just have to tell me how long," she offered.

Spike reached up and ran his fingers through a lock of hair that was hanging along her face. 

"I think I want to take a shower first. That okay?"

"Yeah, the bathroom is back that way." Donna responded pointing into the bedroom part of the small apartment.

Donna picked up the bag with the blood and moved into the kitchen while Spike stood grabbing his duffel bag. 

"Donna?" Spike hesitated before leaving the room.

"Yeah?" 

"I'm sorry if I was, you know, out of line last night." Spike apologized with a sheepish grin. It was all part of the act or so he told himself. He figured if he was as drunk as he was supposed to be then he shouldn't be remembering everything that happened. Of course there was that part of him that also didn't want her to be out of sorts with him.

"It's okay. Nothing I couldn't handle." 

Relieved Spike moved into the bedroom taking a quick look around at the messy bed and Donna's clothes and things scattered about. There was a pile of folders and papers on the edge of the dresser and he made a note to go through them later before moving into the bathroom. 

It wasn't until he was in the shower with the hot water running over him that he finally gave in and voiced the thoughts that had been tickling the back of his brain since Donna had returned.

"Fine, I admit it. Buffy would know enough not to open the door to let the sun in and she knows how I like my blood in the morning," he muttered to himself as he lathered his body in some bath wash that smelled like raspberries that made him wrinkle his nose. "Just what I needed; to smell like some poof."

When he came out of the bathroom Donna was in the kitchen scrambling some eggs.

"Do you want some eggs?" She asked him as he prowled across the room toward her wearing only jeans and a towel around his neck.  

"That's okay. I'll just nibble off of yours." Spike whispered leaning close to her ear as he moved into the small kitchen. 

They moved around each other as she cooked her breakfast and he heated his blood. There was no dance of familiarity as they got in each other's way. Uncomfortable smiles were exchanged as they bumped into each other. Finally with relief they sat across from each other at the small table in the corner. 

"What happened, Spike? Don't tell me you have had five blissful years with Buffy and then it's all over in one night." 

He shrugged and picked a slice of toast off her plate. The plans had been made so fast last night they he hadn't really had time to make up a background story. After taking a bite of the toast and deciding to stick to the truth as much as possible Spike looked back up at her.

"It wasn't just one night. Buffy and I keep living in two different worlds. She wants to domesticate me and I want more than that."

"If you love her don't you want to be with her?" Donna asked him thoughtfully. 

"Yeah, and if she loves me than why can't she be with me? In my world? Travel, see things, do things, instead of always being caged up in damn Sunnydale. It's always the same boring thing. I want some excitement." As the words came out he realized that he really was speaking the truth. More truth than he had admitted in a long time. "You can't cage a demon forever. He's like a wild animal that needs more than a pen; he needs the thrill of the hunt, of the kill." 

Realizing he had probably said too much with the last part, Spike looked up quickly to gauge her reaction but Donna was only looking at him in sympathy. Spike laughed nervously as she surveyed him cautiously.

"And you think I can give you that?" 

Before answering her he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear, allowing his fingertips to trace her jawline.

"I see it in you. The wildness and the same call for freedom. It's there in your eyes and I want to taste it," he whispered to her knowing that this was also true. It had always been there. The sensuality radiated off Donna in great waves of heat that called to him.  

Donna laughed sardonically at his words. 

"You want to taste it, Spike, but do you really want a steady diet of it? I don't stay in one place for longer than a couple of months. Everything I own is in this hotel room and I don't keep people very close to me," she explained the bitterness unmistakable in her voice. 

"Sounds like the good old days when Dru and I traveled the world. It was fun. Maybe you just need the right man to come along and make it more interesting." 

Spike's fingers began to gentle caress her arm as a feeling of nostalgia swept over him. What Donna described was the way that he had lived with Dru. Their only rulers were the freedom, the pleasure and the kill. He couldn't have the kill but with this woman he could have the other two and he had a feeling the pleasure would be more reminiscent of the former days than the sex he had with Buffy. 

"And maybe you need to go home to your wife." Donna stood suddenly taking her plate and glass into the kitchen. 

Spike followed her into the kitchen waiting until after she had set the dishes in the sink before turning her around.  He leaned into the softness of her body as he pinned her hands to the counter on both sides of her. 

"I'm not married yet and Buffy told me that I was free," he told her as his mouth traced the jaw that his fingers had followed a few moments ago. The demon was enjoying himself as he felt the door crack giving him his first taste of true freedom in forever. A low growl resounded in the base of his throat as he kissed her right below her earlobe and his hands released her arms so they could move around her waist.

"Spike, not now." Donna told him as she pushed at his chest halfheartedly. "I've got a meeting I need to go to about my trip to Japan." Her hands came up to cup his face. " We can finish this tonight. Why don't after I get back we go out, have a little fun and see where this leads?"

"Alright, love, we'll finish it tonight." 

Spike stepped back to give Donna the room to walk away. He was torn as to whether he should be relieved that she had pushed him away or disappointed because she hadn't given in. Well, at least with her gone for awhile it would give him a chance to search the apartment. Then once he knew what side she was on then he could decide his own side.

_June 18, 2007__12:55 PM___

Buffy pulled the Desoto in a parking place outside the small hotel that she was meeting Max at. It was a seedy looking place overlooking the ocean. The entire place was painted red with a neon sign at the entrance in the shape of a piano. She looked carefully around her noting the strange combination of semi trucks and luxury cars that filled the spaces around her. After dropping the car keys into her purse she wiped her hands on her skirt. 

"Damn it. I should have worn the other dress," she muttered as she picked at the silky fabric of her dress. Dawn had talked her into wearing a pink wrap around dress with bright flowers. She said it looked like something someone would wear to an afternoon tryst. It was easy to get off but  just made Buffy feel sleazy. She decided never to take fashion advice from her younger sister again. 

Realizing that she would have to get out of the car eventually she opened the door and slipped out cautiously.  With a quick glance at the note clutched in her hand to make sure she had the right number she headed down the row of rooms. After turning the corner to find it she stopped outside of the one that Max told her he would be waiting at. Taking a deep breath for courage she raised her hand and knocked.

Max opened the door almost as if he had been watching for her.  Buffy had forgotten or hadn't realized just how good looking he was as she took a second look at him. He was taller than Spike and dark where Spike was light. His hair was almost black and his skin tanned. The only thing light on him was the blueness of his eyes. Max leaned against the door in amusement as Buffy studied him. She worried her lower lip when her gaze moved down his body and discovered that his shirt unbuttoned almost to his waist. Then her eyes flew back up to meet his as a slight flush raced up her cheeks.

Using grace that would rival Spike, Max moved forward putting his hand on Buffy's waist. 

"It's just for show, Buffy. Relax." Max whispered into her ear as he moved down to nuzzle her neck before coming around to kiss her on the corner of the mouth. He pulled her forward into the room as confusion rattled some kind of warning to run into Buffy's brain. As soon as the door was closed Max released her leaving Buffy to almost stumble without his support.

"Would you like some coffee?" He asked as he turned away while his hands were buttoning his shirt.

"Coffee?" Buffy squeaked out unable to form a coherent thought. 

"Yeah, coffee, would you like some?" 

When she didn't answer he went ahead and poured her a cup from his thermos on the dresser. He smiled in amusement as she took in the room wide eyed and her mouth hanging open. It confirmed his suspicions that an afternoon fling was not what Buffy had really called him for.

Buffy examined the room in disbelief, unable to accept that it was even more hideous than the outside of the hotel. The walls and carpet were both cotton candy pink and the bed was covered in a red velvet comforter. The only thing of interest to her was the heart shaped Jacuzzi tub that was in the corner of the room. She just couldn't make her feet move that way to check it out on a closer level.

"Take a seat." Max told her but when she didn't move on her own, he pushed her gently in the direction of the bed. Once she was carefully seated on the edge he put a steaming cup in her hands and ordered her to take a drink. 

"Pretty awful place, isn't it? But if you're going to have a little revenge on a cheating spouse, what better place to come." Max told her as he leaned against the dresser. 

Buffy nodded then took a long drink of the coffee hoping it would clear her head. Everyone was counting on her to do this but she was out of her league. Mata Hari she wasn't and it wasn't something she was aspiring to either.

"So, Buffy, want to tell me the real reason Spike is with Donna or do we really want to go through this charade of you trying to seduce me for information? And if that's it then it's not going to happen unless you loosen up some." 

A slow blush crept up Buffy's face at the casual way that Max talked about her seducing him. There wasn't a concrete plan except for her to meet him and find out what she could. The thought of actually having to do something hadn't even crept into her mind. Now she knew why no one had said anything about this when Spike was around because he never would have gone for it. She laughed suddenly as she realized the duality of the situation. It was okay for him to go off to Donna for information but not her. Feeling a little revengeful and daring she leaned back on one hand and flipped her hair over her shoulder.

"Would I have to try very hard to seduce you?" She tried to purr out seductively but it came out more as a choked whisper.

Max's eyes narrowed to a slit as he watched her. Since the moment he had walked into the house that night he had seen Buffy for who she was. He had traveled too far and wide and seen too many things not to recognize what was in her. And this wasn't her leaning back on the bed trying to act out the part of seducer. Maybe if pushed too far or hurt too much this could be her but not now. He had seen the love in her eyes for Spike and all she wanted was what a lot of women wanted. She wanted to nest, a home of her own, somewhere safe and a man to truly love her not weekday trysts in cheap hotels. 

"Buffy, quit the games. If you want to get laid, I'm not your guy. Nothing against you but I'm not taking the responsibility for hurting you. If you want to talk, let's talk. Otherwise go home." Max told her point blank turning to start throwing papers back in his briefcase.

Even more embarrassed than before Buffy sat back up and watched Max for a minute. Relief swept through her because it wasn't what she wanted. Maybe she just needed to feel attractive again and wanted again. She released a sigh as she stood to walk over to the man who had just effectively put her in her place. And for the first time in a long while she felt safe. It wasn't the same safe as she did with Spike when things were good; it was the safeness of knowing where she stood and not having to walk on egg shells.

"I'm sorry. We did some research on Donna and we think she might be involved with the Soldiers of Light. I kicked Spike out so he could see if he could find out anything." Buffy explained.

"Was that so hard?" Max asked with a smile. 

It was so genuine and warm that Buffy had no choice but to smile back at him.

"No. It wasn't." 

"Is Spike going to be able to handle it? I know that…" Max trailed off not knowing how to put it exactly without offending her.

"That Spike is attracted to her. Well, we had already broken up because of it when this other stuff came up. Well, at least temporarily broken up. I had given him a week to decide what he wanted." Buffy shrugged her shoulders and went back to sit down on the edge of the bed. 

"I'm sorry." Max turned to sit on the dresser facing Buffy. "We have suspected Donna for a while now. Things just haven't been adding up. Not that we have definitive proof but maybe Spike can help us with that. We have some men watching her so we have Spike make contact so he isn't alone and he knows that he is being listened to. We have her room bugged." 

"Oh, that's great. His infidelity gets recorded for prosperity." Buffy whined.

"Maybe he isn't going to do anything. Give him the benefit of the doubt." Max told her hoping it was true. "Okay, first step. You need to call him. First thing tell him if he isn't alone to act like you are begging him to come back. Then tell him that we will have someone meet him at the little store on the corner as soon as it gets dark. Can you do that?" 

Buffy nodded as she reached for her cell phone.

_June 18, 2007__1:35 PM___

Spike was busily sorting through the pile of paperwork on the dresser when his phone went off. After checking the number he tampered down the excitement when he realized it was Buffy.

"'lo Baby." He answered.

"I take it you're alone then," she replied trying to ignore the way the warmth of just his hello made her stomach tie up.

"Yeah, I'm alone. Donna had a meeting to go to."

"Good. Look, I'm with Max and…"

"Excuse me, what the hell are you doing with him?" Spike interrupted her as a picture of that man with Buffy burned through him.

Buffy smiled at the Spike's jealous tone and then the earlier feeling of things not being fair went through her again.

"The same thing you're doing with Donna. Getting information." That should get him really pissed she thought knowing it wasn't really nice to deliberately play with his emotions. Even Max rolled his eyes at her words. When Spike didn't say anything and all she could hear was the sound of his breathing as he tried to control the anger raging through him. She was just glad that he didn't know where she was with Max. "Spike, forget I said that. It's not the same. It is but not. I'm just getting information."

"Okay, Slayer, what do you want?" The words were cold as he bit them off. It was inconceivable to him that Buffy could play this kind of game with him. If she had been there he probably would have been tempted to strangle her.

"Spike, look the Guardians have suspected Donna for a while. They have people watching her and Max wants you to meet one of their men tonight. He said there's a little store on the corner. Meet the guy there as soon as it's dark. He'll be in a red pullover shirt. Okay?" Buffy rushed through the words before Spike could respond.

"Fine, I'll meet him. But you and me have something to settle when I get home." 

"Don't Spike. Don't even pull that crap with me. No, actually you're right. We do have something to settle. Once and for all."

Spike threw his head back as he heard the hurt in her words. He knew he was being unfair to her. It was asinine to be possessive yet wanting the freedom to do what he wanted. But the thought of anyone else touching Buffy made him want to kill, like he had with Richard. He had no right to chain her unless he wanted to be chained. 

"You're right. If I'm free then so are you," he whispered in resignation. "We'll talk soon." 

As he moved to disconnect the call he heard her voice and lifted it back to his ear.

"I love you, Spike. I miss you and so do our children." 

Then she disconnected the call. 

_June 18, 2007__1: 45 PM___

It was done. Spike would make contact with a Guardian so they could work together to discover Donna's true allegiance. At least he wasn't alone there. Maybe that would prevent anything from happening too fast and give Spike a chance to use his head.

Buffy stood reaching for her purse.

"Hey, where are you going?" Max asked.

"Leaving. We got everything settled, didn't we?" Buffy looked at him in confusion.

"Buffy, you haven't even been here an hour and I paid for three." 

"Oh. You paid for three hours? You pay by the hour here?"

Max laughed at her naiveté but yet was touched by it. If Spike didn't come home voluntarily he might just need to visit him and try to knock some sense into him. He shook his head as he looked at her.

"Besides it would be a blow to my manly pride to think that I would be finished with a beautiful lady like you so soon. Hang out for a while. Let's see what they have on television. Besides I brought snacks too."

"Snacks?"

"I knew if it wasn't my charm then it would be the food to win her over." Max joked as he reached for the bag with the food in it.

TBC


	17. And The Truth Is All You See

**Chapter 16 - And The Truth Is All You See**

_June 21, 2007__10:15 PM___

The Harris household was almost dark except for one dim light in the master bedroom. Spike grinned with devilment at the possibility of interrupting the married couple as he approached the front door. With a closed fist he laid a few pounding hits on the door and waited for someone to answer. After a couple of minutes of not getting a response he pounded a little harder and this time he heard someone approaching the door.

"What?" Xander asked in irritation as he yanked the door open. Anya was standing right behind him pulling his t-shirt down around his waist. 

"Sorry, didn't interrupt, did I?" Spike asked innocently as they both looked at him in disgust.

"Yes, as a matter of fact you did. Now go away." Anya said as she went to close the door but was thwarted by Spike's hand against it.

"Look, I need a favor before I go home. Come on let me in." He tried to look like he was in desperate need as he pouted at her. 

"No, Spike, this is the first time in days that we have had a chance or the energy to have sex. Now go away." Anya tried to shut the door again.

"If you don't let me in voluntarily then I will have to remind you that you wouldn't even have a chance to have sex together if it wasn't for me." Spike pulled the little reminder of his saving Xander's life out as a last chance effort to get through the door.

"Oh, my God. Fine, come in. Just don't take long. I want to have orgasms tonight." Anya muttered as she turned to head toward the back of the house.

The two men looked at each and laughed as she disappeared into the master bedroom.

"Sorry, Harris, but I need to take a shower and borrow some clothes before I go home." Spike explained plucking at the clothes he was wearing.

Xander leaned forward and took a sniff of Spike. The vampire smelled like expensive perfume with a twinge of raspberries. 

"Buffy would kill me going home smelling like her."  Spike told his friend sheepishly.

"Yeah, she would. Come on. You know where the bathroom is. I'll get you something to wear." 

"Thanks." 

A little while later after he had showered and changed he moved toward the laundry room where he pulled his dirty clothes out of the duffel bag. After dumping them in the washer he moved into the kitchen where Xander was sitting.

"Sit, Spike," the brunette said seriously as his friend came into the room.

Spike raised an eyebrow at the tone but sat anyway. 

"We are friends aren't we?" Xander asked waving his right hand as his eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I guess but I don't want it getting around. Might ruin my reputation." Spike replied in mock seriousness.

Xander nodded not laughing at Spike's attempt at humor which put the blonde on the defensive.

"You going to give me a lecture or tell me how wrong I am. I don't need it, Harris." 

"No, no lectures because the way I see it, you just don't understand some things."

"And like you do." Spike scoffed"

I think I do. I've been married for almost five years now and went through almost two years of counseling so that I could stay married. Look, Spike, I already told you no lecture. I just want to tell you about my day yesterday." 

"Go ahead because I can tell you're not going to give up until you spin your little tale." Spike told him feigning disinterest although he was curious as to how the Harris's remained married in spite of everything they had and were going through. 

"Let me see. The alarm didn't go off and we woke up half an hour late. I had a meeting at 9:00 with a new supplier so Anya let me get ready first. Got out to the kitchen at 8:15. Gave me plenty of time to get there on time. Well, I kiss Anya good-bye, then Aidan but guess what, Jessy was in a mood so as I am hugging her she decides she doesn't like peaches in her oatmeal anymore and dumps it all over me and her. Needless to say I don't get out of the house until almost nine. I'm 25 minutes late for my meeting which makes the guy not too happy with me and I lost my bargaining edge. Then it rained and I had to send my crew home which set us back a day. You following me so far?" Xander paused to make sure that Spike was still listening.  

When the opened eyes and raised eyebrows told him he was listening, Xander continued. "So, when I get home the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch with a cold beer but Anya has had the same kind of day and Jessy was still in a mood so I got to entertain the kids while Anya made dinner. Then after that, are the baths and the laundry and the cleaning of the kitchen. Plus I had to reschedule everything due to the delays at work. By the time 11:00 rolled around and we finally got to bed we were exhausted and barely had the energy to kiss good-night much less anything else. Now this is kind of day is more average than not."

"Well, gee, Xander, that little story definitely makes me want to run home and get married and have kids." Spike told him honestly as a chill ran through him.

"Spike, you're not getting the point. This is life. It's real and it's messy and it's good. It's not fun and games. I thank God every night when I go to bed that I have Anya and I thank you because if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have my wife and kids. Go home, Spike, tell Buffy you love her and make it work. It's worth it." 

"Don't you ever want to get out here? Run. No responsibilities." 

"Sometimes but then I think what my life might be like without my kids and Anya and it's not worth it. We are building something together. It has roots and it's going to last beyond me. Do you really want another relationship like the one you had with Drusilla? What is left of that except your memories? Getting married and having children is real and it lives beyond what you have. Buffy will live on through those kids and so will your love. Your way? It's nothing but something that will last only as long as your memory holds out." 

Spike stood understanding what Xander was trying to tell him but there was something inside of him asking him if he was worth leaving behind something. 

"Thanks, I'll think about it. I'm going to get out of here. Take care of my laundry, will ya? And your wife." 

With that he walked out of his friend's house with a lot more on his mind than when he had entered it. The past few days had turned him inside out and he needed to go home and see Buffy. Maybe then things would begin to make sense.

_June 22, 2007__12:05 AM___

The back light was on like he was expected, making him feel welcomed as he let himself into the house. Spike headed for the refrigerator needing some blood before he went to bed. On one door of the refrigerator was taped a dinner menu for the week and on the other were chore charts for Raven and Elijah. Spike smiled at the stars and check marks next to the days on the chore list. 

As he pulled out a container of blood he noticed that it was fresh, marked with Thursday's date. After pouring some out and heating it he headed for his study. On his desk was a pile of books and a folder that wasn't his. He looked through them as he sipped his nourishment. They were all books on child raising, discipline and how to handle the emotions that come with adoption. The folder held notes that Buffy had made from web sites she had visited on nutrition and cooking.

He sighed as he realized that Buffy was going at motherhood like she did everything else, with total focus. Sometimes she could be cold, bitchy and throw huge self pity parties but once she made up her mind about something or someone there was no changing her mind and she gave her all for it or them. 

Spike drained the last of the blood in one gulp and headed back through the kitchen to leave his mug in the sink before making his way upstairs. It seemed Buffy may be right. She didn't need him with the way things had changed in only the few days he was gone. Their bedroom was dark and quiet except for the easy breathing of Buffy sleeping in the middle of the bed clad in his t-shirt. One sniff and he knew that his cologne had been sprayed on it. With a sigh he sat on the edge of the bed putting a hand out to touch her when he noticed her hair. While he had been gone she had cut it. Almost six inches had been taken off and it now hung around her waist instead of her hips. To him it was a statement of independence telling him that he was no longer wanted or needed. Her hair had been grown out for him and now it was gone. 

Then everything hit him at one time. The guilt, the fear, the confusion, the loss of Donna and the love he had for this woman and it came out in great gulping sobs. Spike started to stand to get away when Buffy reached for him and pulled him to her. It was really the only place he wanted to be and let him self be pulled until his face was buried against her stomach. He lay there sobbing while her hands ran over him.

"Baby, are you okay? What's wrong?" She asked as she continued to check him over for injuries.

"I'm sorry, Buffy, why did you do it?" He cried to her.

"Do what?" She asked baffled since she felt she should be the one asking him questions.

"Your hair?" 

She wanted to laugh. With all the things that were wrong between them he was worried about a few inches of hair but she knew that to him it was almost a sign of submission to him. That wearing it that long was a pledge that she wanted to please him. 

"Spike, I'm sorry. I didn't do it to hurt you. It was getting all nasty and it needed to be trimmed." She explained something so feminine not sure if he would understand it wasn't personal. 

Suddenly he moved against her needing physical affirmation that they still belonged together in spite of everything. Shifting he started to urgently kiss her stomach through the t-shirt moving up to pull one of her nipples into his mouth while his hand sought the other one out. 

It felt so good for him to touch her again even though it had been only a few days. As he suckled at her the pleasure shot down her body to her center point. She felt herself getting wet as he his hand trailed down her waist to grasp her bottom kneading it as he mouth moved over hers. It was possessive and needy as his tongue demanded her response and she capitulated meeting him with her own raw need. It was quickly becoming a raging fire as he settled between her legs grinding his hardness against her as his one hand pulled her closer to him. She wanted to give in. Just give herself to him. As he started to pull her shirt up she thought it would be so easy to forget the past week. Just give in to their hearts….

Buffy pushed at him with everything she had. 

"No. We are not going to do this," she told him panting as she tried to clear her head.

"Isn't this what we did when you came back? Didn't you just crawl into my bed, have sex with me that I still don't really remember and just move on?" Spike reminded her bitterly. 

"We need to talk. I need to know what's going on." Buffy explained cautiously. This wasn't going to be easy or safe but it was time for honesty. They couldn't continue ignoring everything. 

"Why? I didn't ask about Richard. Or is this a way of making your guilt go away? Are you hoping that I have more to atone for so that now the score is even?"  Spike was reaching as he threw that out because he didn't think that much had really happened between Buffy and Richard.  

It was Buffy's face that made him realize that maybe her guilt was as deep as his. She had turned her blushing face away from him and was now scrambling off the bed. Spike stood and moved around the bed to catch her before she could go anywhere.

"What didn't you tell me?" His voice was cold and devoid of emotion as he caught her by the upper arms.

"Nothing, Spike, I already told you that we didn't have sex. What about you and Donna? You were alone with her for four nights? What do you have to atone for?" Buffy desperately tried to turn the table back to him afraid of letting him know her secrets.

But Spike having lived so long with devious behavior and lying knew there was something that she was hiding. He knew that he had never pursued it before not really wanting to know. That's why they had just gone forward but now with his own guilt maybe he's the one who wanted to even the score so he wouldn't feel so bad.  His fingers dug into her arms as he backed her into the wall.

"How far did you go with Richard? And don't lie to me." 

Buffy stared into his eyes and knew. She knew that if they were going to remain together then everything had to be told. Her secrets, his secrets, their fears and doubts all had to be brought out into the open. And if they could get through this night then maybe they would survive as a couple.

"I love you. I love you more than anything." Buffy told him hoping that he would not only believe her but remember it as the night wore on.

"How far, Buffy?" 

She started to sob as she felt the walls around her break.

"Almost everything but intercourse." 

The pain of betrayal in his eyes was so deep it was as if she had put a stake into him. Spike let go of her and stumbled backwards. The bed caught him behind the knees but he slid down onto the floor instead. His face buried in his hands as tried to block out her words. He had accepted that they had had physical contact but for some reason he had blocked out the thought of his mouth on her or her on him. Foolishly he had believed that their clothes had never come off but he should have known. Even Drusilla had betrayed him. After he had been with Buffy she was supposed to have belonged to him only. And now he didn't know if he would ever see her in the same way again.

Spike looked over at her where she had slid down the wall and was now hunched on the floor. Her arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked herself. 

"How could you?" He asked not really wanting to know.

"Because I wanted to love him," she responded with a laugh that held no amusement. "Because I didn't want to love you like I do."

Her hand started to absently pick at a piece of loose wall paper.

"It was after that night in my bathroom; after I came to talk to you. He came over one night and we were on the couch." 

"Don't tell me. I don't want to know." Spike barked at her not believing she was going to give him details. Each word would only be another cut on his heart.

But she didn't listen. 

"And we were kissing and touching. He kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. Have babies with him. His hand went down my leg pulling my skirt up and I let him. I let him touch me with his fingers and his hand. I had to close my eyes and imagine you to finally be able to cum." A sob ripped through her as she remembered that night. "Then afterwards I…I took him into my mouth and I did it just the way you taught me. He told me I was the best he ever had. I felt so dirty afterwards." 

She ignored the deep moan of pain that Spike made.

"The really funny thing is I will always be the one to carry the guilt and shame even though it was your fear that pushed me away. Pushed me into Richard's arms because you didn't want to get married and have babies. It will always be my fault because I didn't want to give up everything for you. They will always look at me in blame."

"Are you saying it's my fault for you…doing that?" Spike had almost said 'whoring yourself out' but he changed his words knowing his own guilt.

"No, it's both of ours. It was your fear for pushing me away and my fear that let you do it."

"What did you have to be afraid of? I wanted to give you the world." He didn't understand wanting to still give her the blame for betraying him.

"Spike, I was such a mess. I was in therapy but still a mess. When I got to LA you were different. You had a soul, and had made friends down there. Even the way you dressed was different and I couldn't understand how you could still want me. Then you got back here and bought this house and my friends were becoming your friends. Saint Spike. And they were all angry with me for being with Richard and not you. I didn't want to accept your love, your need for me, because once you realized what you had gotten yourself into you would leave like everyone else.  Then after the shootings I didn't care. I would take whatever love you would give me until you realized you made a mistake. And I guess you finally have."

Buffy sounded so lonely and hurt as she finished emptying everything out of her that Spike wanted to go to her but he couldn't. He still had to tell his side. And it was time for him to do it.

"I'd never met a human that wanted to be with me voluntarily except for the freaks and whores that like the thrill of fucking and being bitten by a vampire. Yeah, there's even places like I showed you with Riley except its worse." He explained as her eyes widened. "There's still a lot things you don't know, Buffy, things I never want you to know. As I was saying though I'd never met a human woman that looked at me like Donna did. Not even you, Love. You hated me for so long or at least acted like it. It's intoxicating. I never thought anyone could want me like that. I went down there hoping that they were wrong. Then it would be another excuse to be with her and not you. We only kissed and hugged the first couple of days. There was always an excuse not to go further and it was a relief and disappointing too."

Spike paused as he laid his head against the bed and tried to continue. 

"Then earlier tonight I was still looking for something, anything to prove one way or another which side she was on. Donna was in the shower and I was sitting on her bed when she came out. The only thing she had on was a towel and I pretended that I was waiting for her. She came to me. I told myself that she had to be innocent because I hadn't found anything. The Guardians hadn't found anything yet. And I let myself go. Told myself that I would show you. That somebody could love me without having to be coaxed into it. Could love me just because they wanted too. Not because I amused them or I took care of them or because I was their muscle. Show you and Angel and Dru that I was worth it." A sob tore through him as the truth finally came out. "And we were together and it felt good and then there was nothing between us but my jeans and her hands were undoing them. I looked down at her. She was naked and spread out beneath me and then I couldn't do it. Oh, God, I couldn't do it. She wasn't you." 

Then he couldn't continue as the tears of rage and hurt and pain swept through him again. Knowing that this was no time for recriminations or pride Buffy scrambled to him pulling him back into her arms. Together they cried. As the festering sores they had carried for so long broke and released their poisons. 

"Shh, Baby, shh, I'm here." Buffy whispered to him as they rocked together. 

Finally he shook his head and pulled away from her. He needed to finish telling her everything.

"Donna is in custody with the Guardians. She is telling everything that she knows about the Soldiers. After I rejected her she freaked. Started screaming about how bad demons were and they should all be destroyed. Her…her sister fell in love with a demon and the guy turned on her and killed her. Donna fell apart and was approached by the Soldiers. But she wasn't involved with the murders. By the time she found out about that stuff she was in too deep. She came in with the kids after their parents were already dead." Spike finished letting Buffy know that Donna was gone from their lives.

Buffy ran her hand through his hair wanting to ask. She needed to know but was afraid too.

"Do you love her?"

"No. Only you it seems." He laughed as he looked at her. Then tenderly he reached a finger up and wiped the tears from her face. Leaning closer he brushed his lips against hers then drew back waiting for her to say something else. To let him know he was still welcome here.

"It doesn't change anything. Donna was a symptom and not the problem. You wanted freedom." Buffy reminded him.

"I told you once you treat me like a man. I want to be a man for you but sometimes everything screams for me to run. That I wasn't meant for these kinds of responsibilities. I'm a vampire…" 

"Don't. Damn it, don't use that excuse. Every time you get scared or insecure you hide behind the fact that you are a vampire. That's what happened five years ago and it's still here. You're Spike. More human than a lot of humans I've met. More real and wanting to be a part of this world than any creature I've ever met. That's one of the reasons I love you because you make me want to be a part of this hell called life." 

She stopped so that she could turn his face back toward her so that their eyes would meet.

"What do you want Spike? I don't expect perfection or a guarantee of being happy. We can do it together. We can save the world so I think we can do this. All I need is for you to love me and a willingness to try." 

"I do love you. I've loved you since you were sixteen and I will love you when you're sixty." He whispered almost reverently to her as she expertly took the pressure off of him. All he had to do was say he wanted to try and she would take him back. He could be cradled in her arms again and loved.

"Spike? Do you want to try, to try to be my husband and a father to Elijah and Raven?  All we want is you and your love. We are supposed to become a family today and I need to know." 

Buffy made it sound so simple: so easy to give in to his heart that screamed for her. The demon whispered in his ear that it would never work, that he wasn't worthy of this kind of adoration, that he needed to be free but William, always William, needing love reached out for her with trembling faith. The voice of the demon was lost as his heart took control and pushed outside his doubts and fears.

"Yes, I want to try." 

And that was all it took for Buffy to smile through her tears. She crawled into his lap as she buried her face in the crook of his shoulder. 

"I love you. I love you," she whispered over and over to him as her kisses rained across his neck to his cheek until his lips met hers in blinding need. Somehow they managed to move to the bed still kissing. 

He positioned her so she was on her back and he was over her. His fingers gently ran over her face as he reined in his passion. 

"I know this is stupid," he told her with a laugh. "But I want to wait until after we're married. Make everything new." 

Spike stopped waiting for her laughter or her teasing but Buffy only smiled at him and turned on her side nestling back against him. 

"Hold me. I haven't slept well all week without you," she requested as she burrowed closer to him. 

Spike reached down and pulled the comforter over them.  His arm moved over her as he buried his face in her hair. 

Soon they both slept. There were no words of forgiveness. They weren't needed. It was understood that they both had been so hurt in their past that in their fear of the gift they had been given they had both tried to run from it. And found they couldn't. 

TBC


	18. Promises

**Chapter 17 – Promises**

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__****June 22, 2007****__****_4:45 PM_****__**

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**__**

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**The small group stood in Judge Lawrence's office with Buffy and Spike in the center. The judge stood in front of them with his secretary and Morgana next to Buffy while Raven and Elijah stood next to Spike. It was time. **

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**"Buffy, William, please join hands." Judge Lawrence instructed.**

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**They turned to face each other joining their hands while their eyes fused together in this moment that was only for them.**

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**"Buffy, repeat after me."**

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**He began to recite the words of the vows that Buffy had chosen to pledge herself to Spike.**

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**"I, Buffy, take thee, William to be my wedded husband,"**

_I had woken that morning in a warm cocoon of darkness surrounded with the smell of sunshine and Buffy.My face was buried in my pillow with my arms around it and after blinking my eyes a few times awareness had begun to seep itself into my brain.I held the comforter over my head by my fingers trying to keep in the night. It was a night that I didn't want to let go of. I was home and Buffy had let me in. Into our home, into our bed and back into her heart and I knew that I should cherish that privilege. _

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_A small hand began to move against my leg making me realize that Buffy was curled beside me using my back as a pillow. And that she was buried under the covers._

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_"Can you breathe, Love?" I asked her without moving my head. _

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_"Yes," she answered in a muffled voice. Then her finger jabbed into my hip a few times and she told me sternly, "Don't do anything to asphyxiate me down here." A giggle accompanied her command and I smiled at her playfulness. _

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_Her hand returned to my leg, rubbing it with the palm then curled around it as it made an upward path. My ass was her next destination as she held one cheek for a moment before squeezing it gently. Two fingers dived between my legs prodding my balls._

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_"Do you want me to turn over?" I asked her._

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_"No. Not done." _

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_The other cheek was now being given the same treatment as the first one had received. My eyes shuttered close as desire started to lick at me and I let her lead me on. My leg was caressed for as far as she could reach before making a return trek. I was impatient as I waited for what she would do next as her hand moved to my lower back slipping under the t-shirt I was wearing. Fingers delved under the waistband of the jeans. Her nails scraped the upper curve and tickled the crack of my butt. _

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_I groaned as my words from last night about wanting to wait until after the ceremony mocked me. Buffy as usual was pushing me under so easily as her hand explored the planes of my back then light as a feather her finger traced my spine from top to bottom. _

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**"Secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, and my one true love,"**

_She shifted, coming up on her hands and knees over me. Her hands were on either side of my head and her knees straddled my hips. I started to turn over but a hand was planted between my shoulder blades._

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_"I told you no that I wasn't done." This time her voice held more authority and less playfulness and I wondered just what she was up to. We were still under the comforter but it had been pulled up exposing my feet to the chilly morning air. _

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_I laid back down closing my eyes again as I waited for her to make another move. A chill ran through my body ending at my groin as her warm wet tongue ran up the back of my neck leaving a trail of spittle in her wake. Her breath blew on it, drying my skin and her head shifted so that her nose tickled the back of my ear._

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_"Now turn over," she whispered to me releasing my back._

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**"On this special and holy day, I give to you,"**

_Still holding the comforter over my head I turned under her. Even in the semi-darkness I could see the outline of her face above me. Her lips invited me closer and I rose up to kiss her. _

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_"No kissing allowed," she commanded as she pulled back and proceeded to rub her heat down onto my growing erection. _

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_My head tilted in confusion as I looked up at her. _

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_She shimmied down over my legs until her face was over my pelvis.Anticipation made me smile as I thought I had figured out what she was doing. Her face came forward to rub against me without undoing the jeans then downwards until her nose was buried between my legs. The sound of her sniffing me was soft at first but became louder as her face came over me.She looked up at me briefly but quickly turned her eyes down to her fingers, watching them as they outlined me against my jeans.There was a gentle squeeze to the tip before she moved on. _

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_"Buffy?"_

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_"Shhh, busy right now." _

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_My stomach was where she turned her attention next. The shirt was pushed up as she caressed my lower abdomen. As she had with my back her fingers drifted under the waistband tousling my pubic hair like she would the hair on my head. This game of exploration, whatever it was, was taking me over the top as the feel of her fingers on my skin sent darts of sexual chills through me._

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**"In the presence of God and these witnesses my sacred promise to stay by your side as your wife,"**

_As my response grew so did my desire to participate and I reached out to entwine my hand in her locks but was rejected as she shook me off._

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_"No touching." _

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_As I let my hand fall to the bed beside us. Her tongue dove into my belly button, licking it clean. My shirt was pushed up and out of the way as her lips journeyed toward my chest. She sucked very quickly on one nipple then the other. There was no tenderness in her administrations to this part of my body. Her mouth was harsh against me as she tugged my nipples between her teeth.I inhaled sharply as the pleasure and pain of her bite coursed through me. Buffy seemed to have an agenda and I wasn't sure if it was to please me or punish me but something nudged me telling me to just let her have her way. _

**"In sickness and in health, in joy and sorrow, as well as through the good times and the bad,"**

_As she released me she pulled the comforter from where I was still holding it and flipped it back exposing us to the morning light. It took a few blinks before I adjusted to it but when I did I saw it there in her eyes, the hurt and disappointment in me, in this mockery of her wedding day, and in herself for still loving me. But it was gone in the blink of her eyes and was replaced with a grin from ear to ear and mirth that danced in her eyes._

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_Her small hand reached between us and into the waistband of my jeans again. Before I realized what she was doing she had plucked out a few of my hairs._

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_"Owww, what the bloody hell are you doing?"_

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_She laughed. _

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_"Something old," she announced as she pulled her hand out and inspected her prize before reaching over and laying them on the nightstand. Folding her arms across my chest she leaned down toward me. "Something new are the children.Something blue." She rubbed herself against my hardened length again effectively killing any hope I had of sex this morning. "And all we need is something borrowed and we have the complete set." _

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_"Something borrowed? How about carrying Mr. Pointy instead of a bouquet then you can finish killing me off as they pronounce us man and wife?"I told her irritably. _

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_"Good idea," she responded with another giggle. _

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_I looked up at her in surprise as she laughed about staking me. For some reason her finding humor in my demise bothered me. I didn't say anything though not wanting to start a fight today of all days. Maybe it was just a joke and not intended to hurt me in anyway._

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_Suddenly her face grew pensive as she leaned closer to me. Her lips pursed as she blew across my face._

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_"Do I have morning breath?" _

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_My eyes opened wide as I looked up at her. She was serious. It was beginning to look like the chit had gone mad while we were sleeping._

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_"It's not the most pleasant thing I have ever smelled." I told her honestly._

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_Buffy nodded her head and leaned in again. This time her nose was pressed against my mouth as her index finger pulled my lips apart. She sniffed at my breath like she had at my crotch. It was a little bit more delicate though as I blew some air out for her to smell. I really wanted to laugh at this point because this was bloody ridiculous. But it was also the most interesting thing to happen in our bedroom in quite a while and I was curious as to where it would lead._

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_"It smells like stale pussy," she told me quite seriously when she had completed her inspection and was once again leaning on my chest._

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_I couldn't help but laugh at her remark._

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_"How the hell would you know what stale pussy smells like?" I asked her as soon as I could catch my breath. _

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_One eyebrow rose quite haughtily at my question. Never breaking a grin or a giggle this time she replied, "Lived in a house full of women. Remember?" _

**"I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress,"**

_I laughed again as I reached up to caress her thighs. Suddenly there was a wagging finger in my face._

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_"I told you. No touching." _

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_My hands were removed from her legs to be laid flat against the bed then her knees shifted to rest on them so that they were pinned against the mattress._

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_"If you want we can get handcuffs." I told her hoping that maybe there was other games that she wanted to play._

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_A quick shake of her head and an emphatic no was my answer. Closing my eyes in resignation I nodded. Her hair drifted across my face and neck as she came closer to me. My earlobe was sucked into her mouth, the tip of it licked, then released._

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_"If you want to get the restraints with the padding so my wrists don't get rubbed raw, that's okay," she whispered. Her words sent me into a hazy rush of need so strong that I involuntarily arched upward, pushing against her but she only lifted herself away from my reach. _

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**"Encourage you to achieve all of your goals,"**

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_With a sigh I opened my eyes as she settled across my chest again. For a few moments she just studied me. Taking in closely ever part of my features and I did the same to her. Her face was void of makeup except a smudge of mascara under one eye that had escaped last night's washing. In the corner of the other was still some sleepies clinging to her eyelashes and over her eyes were a few stray eyebrows she needed to tweeze. On her chin was the beginning of a pimple where she propped the phone when she talked. And it was time for our roots to be done as I took in the brown strands forcing their way to the surface._

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_She never looked more beautiful to me in this moment. Today she would become my wife and a mother to two children. And she had no fear of it. Her faith in us as a family was strong enough for both of us. It needed to be. Even though I had told her I wanted to try, I was still afraid of it. The only thing that I was sure of was that I loved her. That I wanted her like no other woman I had ever known._

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_"Change."_

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_"What?" I asked shaken from my reverie._

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_"Change. I want the demon," she said calmly._

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_"I can't just ch…" _

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_My protest was choked from me as she twisted my nipple roughly almost as if she was going to twist it right off my chest.The pain was so intense I immediately vamped out while growling up at her. Unshaken by the meaningless threat she proceeded to study my vampire features as closely as she had my human face. Her fingertips drifted over my forehead then down my cheek to my mouth. _

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_Her eyes came to look up at me with a soft sadness in her eyes._

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_"Did you give her this?"_

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_"What?" I was confused as to what she meant._

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_"Did she get the demon side of you too?" _

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_I shook my head up at her knowing exactly what she meant. Since I no longer bit anyone for food it was now only a sexual thing that I had just recently started to share with Buffy and she wanted to know if that part of our relationship had been defiled._

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_"No, I didn't bite her." _

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_"My demon." Buffy said reverently as she kissed me softly on the lips._

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**"Laugh with you and cry with you,"**

_Then I knew what she was doing. What this all had been about. Buffy was taking back what was hers. She was reclaiming her property and I relaxed. I would willingly give her whatever she needed to feel confident again in us._

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**"Grow with you in mind and spirit,"**

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_Her fingers came to my mouth pulling my jaw down some. One fang was explored then the other. Buffy even went so far as to push my upper lip up to follow it up into my gums. Then once she was satisfied with this she brought her face down to mine so that we were almost touching but not quite. Her nose rested alongside mine and unblinking eyes stared down into mine. Erotically her tongue ran along one fang, tasting it, making me want to respond but I knew I couldn't unless I wanted to make her feel rejected. _

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_I watched as her eyelids fluttered shut as she pierced her tongue on the tip. A drop of blood fell into my mouth making me salivate in want. Between the sexual arousal and the demon blood lust I was beginning to lose my control. Hurriedly I lapped at her tongue trying to drink more blood when she pulled back. _

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_There was a light slap to my cheek for my indiscretion as I waited for her. My lip trembled as I fought not to flip her onto her back and drink my fill. She swallowed very distinctly, letting me know what I hungered for was now gone. _

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_"No. You have to say please first." _

**"Always be open and honest with you,"**

_Very slowly she lowered herself toward me rubbing her nose against mine. A light kiss then her tongue darted between my lips again. The other fang was receiving her devotion now. Then again she pierced her tongue on it and as I tasted the new flow of blood she pulled back. Right above me it dangled. Her tongue coated in rich and flowing blood. I whimpered in almost overwhelming want. _

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_"Please?" _

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_With approval she came forward tapping the side of my mouth telling me to open. I did. Wide. Anything just to receive the prize in front of me. Her tongue came into my mouth then she tapped me again to let me know that it was okay. I clamped down on it with all the power in my jaws sucking at it like it was a lifeline. My hips came up trying to satisfy my burning need.This time she ground herself back into me and I came like a schoolboy at his first groping session, soaking the front of my jeans with my seed. _

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_Tears flowed down my face as I looked up at her after I had taken all her tongue was willing to give me knowing I was now broken by the woman above me._

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_"You will never find anyone who knows who you are or what you need more than me," she told me as she lovingly wiped the tears from my face._

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**"And cherish you for as long as we both shall live."**

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**~~~~~~~~~~~**

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**The judge smiled in satisfaction as Buffy completed her vows with a calmness and power that showed her dedication to the man she was marrying.It was good to see two people so obviously in love and suited for one another.**

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**"Now, William, please repeat after me." **

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**Buffy squeezed Spike's hands as she noticed the subtle trembling in his body. A tear fell across Spike's cheek as he tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. He knew that his voice was going to crack as he tried to say the vows he had written with Raven but his only thought was he was able to say them for her.**

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**"I, William, take you Buffy, to be my wife, my friend and my soul mate."**

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_We had just finished dressing after our shower when there was a knock on our bedroom door. It was Raven. After glancing at Spike to make sure he was decent I called out for her to enter._

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_"Hey, Buffy, I'm going to go down and start the coffee…" Raven stopped in mid-sentence when she noticed Spike standing by the bed. Her eyes widened in delight as he smiled at her. "Spike!" _

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_She screamed as she ran across the room and into his arms. He picked her up squeezing her tight in embrace that showed his affection for this girl. _

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_"Elijah," Raven called out over her shoulder then turned to bury her face in Spike's neck. "I'm so glad that you're home." _

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_There was the sound of footsteps as they pounded across the hall toward us. Elijah came through the door in his usual style of full steam ahead and didn't stop until he had been scooped up in Spike's arm. _

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_Spike looked up at me with a stunned smile showing his surprise that he had been so missed in his few days away. I smiled back at him as he moved to sit on the bed with his children. Raven came to sit next to him with one arm still looped around his neck and one hand on his arm. Elijah came to rest on his knee with Spike's arm supporting him. _

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_The two children began to rapidly talk over each other as they tried to fill Spike in all we had done in the past few days. Tears formed in my eyes as I watched my family together in such perfect comfortableness that even I had yet to reach with them. Leaving them to their reunion I slipped away to head downstairs._

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**"Before these witnesses I promise to love you and take care of you for all the time we are given together."**

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_Spike hovered behind me with his hand on my hip as I tried to get breakfast finished. Elijah happily munched on a cut up apple as he watched Spike and me. _

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_"I love you, Buffy," he whispered as he took the plate of pancakes from my hand to carry it over to the table. As I turned the stove off and took the pan to the sink he speared a couple for Elijah smearing the butter over them. While he prepared our son's breakfast he kept glancing at me with a look of bewilderment on his face. This morning had taken him by surprise; actually it had taken me by surprise too, as I had taken back what was mine. It had been pure instinct that had driven me on as I let him know that I wouldn't share ever again. And if keeping him meant that his demon had to be catered to then he would receive his due attention._

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_Raven came into the kitchen coming to sit between Spike and me. She laid her new cell phone on the table beside her plate. Since Josh had given it to her she hadn't let it out of her sight for more than a few minutes._

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_"You have a cell phone?" Spike asked her as he saw it lying there._

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_"Yeah, Josh gave it to me a couple of days ago and Buffy showed me all the emergency numbers and the way to send messages to the rest of the family. It is like totally awesome," she explained as she reached for the food to fix her breakfast._

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_"Buffy's been busy since I've been gone." His scathing look took in the phone and the refrigerator door with the chore charts. "Anything else I need to know?" Spike looked at me with his temper being give a short leash behind the blueness of his eyes._

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_"No, sweetheart, I told Raven that when you got back that you would show her the tunnels, escape routes and the safe house. Also, the rules and chores that were given while you were gone are temporary." I defended myself trying not to be sarcastic. I knew he would feel displaced when he returned that's why I had left things for him to show Raven and the children informed that things would be discussed further when he got back._

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_"Yeah, thank God, you are back. We have been living under Buffy's regime and it has been not pleasant." Raven joked with a trace of seriousness underlying her words.I knew she hoped that with Spike being back that she could go back to a life of leisure._

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_My eyes turned back to him as he relaxed under our words. A sheepish smile was flashed my way and I smiled back at him reaching across the table to squeeze his hand. This was our life together I tried to tell him without the words._

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**"I promise that I will stand beside you in sickness and in health, in times of prosperity and want, and all that life shows us of good times and bad times."**

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_I worked the gel through Spike's hair as he watched me in the mirror. We only had about an hour before Morgana came to pick us up. She had called earlier telling me not to let Spike leave that he would ride with us to the courthouse. I didn't know yet what she had planned but it would be good for us all to be together. It would be good for him. _

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_"Thank you," he said so low that I could barely hear him._

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_"What for?" _

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_"For being you." _

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_His hands reached up to take my wrists and he pulled me around to sit on his lap. Leaning forward I kissed him chastely. That wasn't the time to get into anything as I stood again. He sighed as I turned the dryer on to finish styling his hair. After it has been spiked to my satisfaction I flipped the dryer back off as I placed a kiss on the back of his neck then gently nipped him on the curve of his shoulder. As I pulled back I saw that he was grinning from my attention. It's been too long since we had made love; really made love. Tonight I hoped we would be able to. While Spike had been in his study with Raven earlier, I had made some phone calls and arranged for Raven to stay at Dawn's and Josh's tonight and for Elijah to stay with Xander and Anya._

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_I moved around to sit on his lap but as he moved in to kiss me I started to do up his tie. He gave up throwing his hands into the air then letting them wrap around my waist and he let me do what I wanted to do. After it was tied I pulled him to me and gave him the kiss he's been wanting. I could feel him getting hard against my hip and my tongue started to duel with his even more. _

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_"Argggggh." Raven exclaimed somewhere in the vicinity of the bathroom._

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_"What's wrong?" I called out to her as she stomped our way._

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_"Look at my hair. It looks like a frickin' brillo pad," she complained at the mess she had made as she tried to look nice for this afternoon. _

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_"Come here." Spike gestured her into the room then directed her to take his now vacated seat at the vanity bench. As I moved off to put my jacket on Spike began to fix her hair for her._

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_"You know how to do hair?" She asked in disbelief as she watched her hair move without aid in the mirror._

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_"Yeah, took care of Dru's hair for a century," he explained then at her quizzical look, "vampire ex-girlfriend."_

__

_Raven nodded her head in response and patiently watched as he expertly twisted her hair up on top of her head._

__

_When he was done he turned around to watch me for a moment as I fastened my shoes._

__

_"Well, I guess everybody is ready," he said reaching for his own jacket._

__

_"Just have to get Elijah dressed…Elijah, where is he?" I asked._

__

_The three of us look at each as we realized he had been completely forgotten in the last few minutes then with Spike in the lead we took off in search of him. We didn't have to look far because he was in the middle of Raven's bed with her make up bag emptied around him. He was busily drawing on his arm with lip gloss. As we stopped just in the doorway staring at him he looked up at us nervously._

__

_"Elijah pretty too." He explained what he was doing with his lip trembling, afraid of being in trouble._

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_"I have told you to leave my stuff alone." Raven was about ready to go off on a tantrum when I laid a hand on her arm._

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_"No time. Morgana is going to be here in a few and we need to get him cleaned up and dressed." _

__

_She released a loud dramatic sigh but moved into the room to get him off the bed. Spike headed off to run a bath and I started to clean up the mess. With the three of us working together we were all ready by the time that the door bell rang._

__

**"I promise that I will be here as your friend, your lover, your partner in life, the father to our children and to always stand beside you in battle."**

****

_We settled into the car that Morgana had rented to take us to the courthouse. It wasn't too pretentious but still very nice. The windows were darkly tinted so that there was no problem with Spike riding with us. It was just a mad dash from the house with a blanket. Thankfully the courthouse had a covered parking garage so we could get in under shade. _

__

_Raven was so excited about riding in a limousine that she forgot about Elijah destroying all her makeup. She sat next to Morgana with Spike and I facing them and Elijah was between us. Spike looked more nervous every moment that went by. It was good to know that he couldn't just get out and run at every stop light like he looked like he wanted to. Then suddenly he turned to me and reached over to take my hand. He mouthed his love to me then he seemed to calm down._

__

_"Are you going to be my parents?" Elijah asked._

__

_"Yes." Spike answered._

__

_"You going to be Mommy and Poppie now?" _

__

_"No, they are not. Mommy and Poppie are gone and no one can take their place." Raven passionately answered him before either Spike or I could. The hurt on her face was so deep I wanted to hug her but knew that she wouldn't allow it. Her pride was in the way now._

__

_"Well, Elijah, do you want to call Buffy and Spike something else?" Morgana asked._

__

_"They parents shouldn't they be called parent names?" He replied to her looking from Spike to me. _

__

_Raven ignored the exchange staring steadfastly out the window._

__

_"Well, there are other names besides Mommy and Poppie. How about Mama and Papa?" Morgana suggested._

__

_"Pistol packin' Mama and her big bad Papa." Spike drolly twisted the names thus vetoing those ideas. _

__

_Morgana and I both laughed at his humor. _

__

_"How about Mum?" Spike suggested."Or Mummy?"_

__

_"Mummy." Elijah said patting my leg while laughing in the way only little children can with his head thrown back and loud enough to wake the dead. _

__

_"And since your Father was Poppie, how about Daddy for Spike?"Morgana supplied Spike's new title._

__

_"Daddy." Elijah turned to Spike patting his leg._

__

_In that moment we became more their parents than the paperwork we would receive shortly, although Raven still refused to call us anything but Buffy and Spike. We understood her reluctance and let her know that we were okay with it. If in time she changed her mind that was okay too._

__

~~~~~~~~~~

__

**"I promise that I will be open and honest with you, be faithful to you, and cherish you for who are because you are the one I choose to spend this lifetime with."**

****

**"Buffy and William in so much as you both have agreed to live in the bonds of Matrimony, have promised your love for each other by these vows, in front of these witnesses, I now pronounce you husband and wife. William, you may kiss your bride." **

****

**There was nothing left to hold onto to keep himself together and Spike sobbed as the judge told them they were married. Buffy reached up to touch his face as he cried realizing that she had tears flowing down her face too. His arms came around her pulling her to him as he buried his face in her neck.**

****

**"Come on, Spike, kiss her." Raven encouraged as she practically danced next to them.**

****

**"Yeah, I guess I need to." He raggedly agreed wiping his face with his hand. With his other hand he pulled Buffy to him. "I love you, baby," he whispered right before his lips met hers. **

****

**"Yay!" Raven and Elijah both shouted when they started to kiss.**

****

**The kiss started off sweet but quickly became more as she opened her mouth to him. The rest of the world disappeared as they became lost in their first married kiss. Finally after the coughing of the other adults in the room did they finally separate from each other.**

****

**"Okay, all we need to do is sign some paperwork for the children and then you all are on your way," the judge told them as he headed for his desk. **

****

**Within half an hour the new family made their way out of the courthouse and headed for home to begin their life together. **

****

**TBC**

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	19. Bubbles and Tickles

**Chapter 18 – Bubbles and Tickles**

_June 22, 2007__ _6:15 PM____

The car door opened and a blanket-covered Spike ran for the front porch of the house. Following him were his wife, two children and their lawyer, Morgana.  As he reached into his pocket to get his key ring he heard something fall inside the house. Quickly turning he put a finger to his mouth letting the others know to be quiet then he motioned Buffy to follow him in. 

"Stay out here with the children," he told Morgana waiting until he received a nod in reply before he opened the door.

Raven giggled behind Spike and Buffy receiving a warning look from them before they noticed that she was wearing an expression of anticipation. They looked at each other briefly before they carefully made their way into the house,

The house was now silent as they made their way through the entrance hall to turn to go into the living room.

"Surprise!" Their family yelled out as they appeared. Everyone was there, including Clem.

The room was covered in brightly colored balloons and streamers and a table had been set up in the corner that was covered in food. The furniture had all been moved back so that the middle of the room had been opened up. A homemade banner was stretched over the fireplace that read "Congratulations Buffy and Spike".  Piled on the hearth were presents wrapped in birthday wrapping paper.

"Hey, everybody." Spike smiled at everyone that was starting their way toward them but then noticed Buffy wasn't saying anything. He looked over at her noticing the stunned look on her face. 

Apparently everyone else also noticed because they stopped their movements toward them. Buffy stepped into the room looking quickly at her family before moving slowly toward a bunch of balloons tied to the back of an arm chair. One finger was slowly run over the gaudy purple balloon then followed a streamer to a red balloon next to it. Then without saying anything she walked over to the table checking over the food. 

Spike looked from her to the others noting the hurt in their eyes.

"Buffy, we couldn't get wedding stuff without it being obvious." Dawn said with an edge of annoyance to her voice. "So, we went with the birthday theme." She told her quickly before she saw the cake that said Happy Birthday Clem.

Buffy looked at the cake letting the tears fall that she had been holding back all day. Her hands ran down the front of the navy blue suit that was her wedding dress and turned eyes to Spike for reassurance. He was across the room in only a few strides wrapping his arms around her. His guilt for denying her the wedding she had dreamed of ripped through him.

"Baby, don't be upset with them. They tried to do something for you, for us. It's my fault," he told her as her sobs got louder. His hand ran down the back of her hair lost as to what to do for her at this point. She didn't even have a wedding band on her hand to let her know that she was married. 

"Maybe we should just go." Kate told everyone around her and they nodded as they turned toward the door.

"No." Buffy said as she raised her head from Spike's chest. Her hand ran over the spot on his shirt where she had soaked him and sniffled as she tried to regain her composure. A small hand was inserted into the comfort of a larger one as she turned to face her family.

"My life changed completely when I was called and there hasn't been what you could call a normal day since then." Buffy smiled as another tear made its way down her cheek. "If I had what could be called a normal day, I would probably run to Giles convinced that we had landed in an alternate universe."

The others chuckled around her still not understanding what was upsetting her so much. Buffy looked at Spike and leaned against him slightly.

"I know that you think I have been disappointed in our wedding day but it's not true. In all its abnormality it is actually normal for us. I have just been afraid all day that something else would go wrong but this," she waved her hand around at the decorations, "is perfect for our lives. I will take all of this strangeness in all it has to offer because to us this is normal. So, thank you everyone."

Spike turned to her so that he could pick her up and twirl her around as the cheers and clapping sounded around them. After he had set her down on her feet they were torn apart as their family hugged them, congratulated them and welcomed Spike back home. 

Someone started the stereo playing typical wedding reception music as they started on the food that had been brought. 

"So, you did it, Fangless. You married our Buffy. Do you feel any different?" Xander asked Spike after they had settled into some chairs in the corner. 

"Yeah, now I don't have to feel guilty for shagging her senseless every night." Spike responded. 

Xander laughed as he wondered if Spike was serious but then Spike laughed at him. 

"Not yet," Spike told him as he shrugged his shoulders. There was no way he could tell his friend that even though he could hear the decisive clink of a cage door being fastened nothing could displace the joy and pride that swelled in his chest at the fact that Buffy was his and only his.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The phone started to ring as Spike stacked his plate in the sink with the others. Absently he reached for it as the plate clattered to the side.

"Hello." 

"You finally married her." Angel stated without a hello or congratulations.

Immediately Spike began to feel irritation lick at him at his Grand-sire's voice.

"Yes, we were married today," he told him wondering why he was bothering obviously he had the news and already had an opinion on it.

"I also heard about your little indiscretion with Donna. If you ever hurt or do anything to Buffy again," Angel started his lecture at the vampire he felt he had the right to criticize.

"Sod off," Spike snarled hanging the phone up.

Buffy walked into the room at that moment.

"Who was that?" She asked as she added her plate to the pile.

"No one." Spike answered taking her hand to lead her back to the other room just as the phone began ringing again.

Buffy hesitated turning to head for the phone.

"Leave it, Buffy." 

She looked at him baffled by his sudden bad attitude then turned toward the phone to check the caller ID. 

Spike closed his eyes as he hoped that she wouldn't answer the phone. That she wouldn't choose Angel over him today. Hurt hit him as he heard the phone stop ringing and waited for her to say hello. But then her hand was in his.

"Come on. Xander wants to propose a toast," she told him as she tugged on him.

In surprise he looked at her then at the phone, Relief flooded him when he saw that the phone had been unplugged. The symbolism that she had chosen him overwhelmed Spike in a surge of love.

As they stepped into the room they found the others waiting with glasses of champagne in hand and grape juice for the children. Two glasses were quickly handed to them.

"I guess if they had done it the normal way that I would have been the best man." Xander started as he looked over at Spike waiting for an affirmation. Spike nodded with a smile indicating that Xander would have been the one he chose to stand by him. It seems in his apparent hesitation that he had denied more than Buffy the right to the ceremony.  "So, it seems that I should be the one to offer the first toast. It really pains me to say this because it took me a long time to like you much less accept you, Spike. But when you gave us back our Buffy and you fought who you were to be a part of us, you did become a part of us. Today, well, all I have to say is, it's about time."

Glasses were clinked all around as the toast was taken. Then Willow stepped up to stand beside Xander.

"Okay, my turn. When I did that spell a long time ago, who would have thought that it actually would have come true but in a way we should have known because you were both so happy. Here's to fate that brought two people together who should never be apart."

After the applause had died down some, Xander raised his arms.

"Buffy, Spike, please come to the center of the room."

They looked at each other then at Xander in suspicion as they did what he requested.

"It's time for the first dance and Willow and I have chosen an appropriate selection for you." Xander looked back at Willow with a grin and nodded. Willow pressed the button to begin the music with a mischievous smile on her face.

The first strands of 'Wind Beneath My Wings' started to play as the ones who understood the joke began to laugh. The laughter was soon quieted though as Spike took Buffy into his arms to dance with her. When she tucked her head under his chin they became misty eyed at the love the couple had became evident for all to see. It was almost as if they had been transported back to the time of the spell and all the hurt had never happened.

~~~~~~~~~~

Steam had taken over the bathroom softly misting everything and blocking the mirrors from doing their job.   A mountain of bubbles separated them from each other's sight as it overflowed the tub onto the floor. Buffy leaned on one side of the tub while Spike was across from her. His toes slowly caressed her hips as he leaned back with his eyes closed. The clinking of glass broke the silence as Buffy poured another glass of champagne. She had been freely indulging all night knowing that she didn't have to be responsible for the children.

"Do you want some more, Love?" Buffy asked then giggled as she realized she used a nickname that was part of his signature stable.

Spike reluctantly opened his eyes to look at her using his foot to clear a path through the bubbles. The steam had left a mist on her face that was barely above the water leaving her glass to drag through the water as she drank from it. A stray lock of hair that had escaped fell across her cheek. After draining half the glass she held it out for him. Not wanting to refuse the invitation Spike sat up hooking his hands under her knees and pulling her closer to him. 

Not ready for his movements Buffy slipped almost all the way under the water but managed to hold the glass aloft. She came up laughing and sputtering bubbles out of her mouth. 

"You okay?" He asked laughing at the sight of her.

"Trying to drown me on our wedding night? Drunken Slayer found drowned in bathtub with Vampire husband." 

Buffy held the glass up to his mouth so that he could drink some of the champagne. He willingly followed her lead draining all of it for her. She sighed in contentment as the last of it went into his mouth then she put the empty glass on the edge of the tub.

"Kiss me," he asked.

Her hand reached behind him to tug him toward her.  They met in a dance that was familiar to them, each of them giving to please the other. Their tongues playfully danced to create passion in their partner. Buffy broke the kiss in order to get air into her alcohol induced brain. A hand held her breast softly as his thumb teased at her nipple.

"Let's go to bed." 

Buffy pulled back at this request until she was leaning on her side of the tub again.  Thoughts of him with Donna kept repeating in her mind no matter how hard she tried to push them aside. Her own insecurities kept telling her that her body wasn't enough for him, that she wasn't good enough in bed.

"Do I not satisfy you?" The words slipped from her mouth before she could stop them. Earlier she had vowed never to bring it up. To just let them go forward in their lives. To be grateful that he had returned to her.

"Of course you do. Now come here." Spike told her not really wanting to deal with this subject now. Not on their wedding night.

"What am I not doing that you want?" Buffy scrunched her face up as her mouth betrayed her again.

"Let's not talk about it right now. I want to make love to you." He purred to her shifting to come closer to her.

"Oh, that's just fine. You can fuck me but you can't talk about fucking me." The hurt and anger started to lick at her bringing her back to sobriety. 

"I don't want to fuck you, Buffy, I want to make love you. " 

"Is that what you were going to do to Donna? Make love to her." Buffy's voice was rising as her anger took hold.

"No, Donna I wanted to tie to the bed and do all the things I can't do with you." Spike told her through gritted teeth trying not to shout at Buffy. He was angry with her for not letting it go and angrier at himself that he had let her emotions make him say things he didn't really want to say.

The hurt seared across Buffy's eyes as she stared at him in disbelief. She watched as he closed his eyes then covered them with his hand. 

"Buffy, please don't do this. We made choices in our relationship to keep you safe. Some of them I didn't like but I love you enough to keep my word."

"You also said I was the only one you wanted." 

As Buffy stood water and bubbles splashed over him and the floor in a great wave.  Reaching for her robe she pulled it on without drying off.

"Buffy," he called to her as she left him alone.

~~~~~~~~~~

Spike walked into their bedroom to find Buffy sitting at her vanity brushing out her hair. Slowly he moved toward her letting the vision that she was wash over him. No matter what other urges ran through him, he would never get over how her beauty affected him. It called to him wrapping him in her spell and that scared him. 

Stopping her in mid-stroke he took the brush from her so that he could finish what she had started. His hand stroked her hair as he worked the tangles from it when she sobbed softly. The tears ran down her face as she accepted this small gift of affection.

"Why am I not enough for you?" She whispered knowing that until she receives the answers she still won't feel safe with him.

Sighing he leaned over to lay her brush on the vanity them came to straddle the bench so that he was facing her.  His fingers turned her face to him as he wiped the tears from her cheeks. The talk last night, her actions that morning, had led him to believe it was over but he should have known that beneath this new strong Buffy was still the scared little girl afraid of being alone.

"Do not ever doubt my love and desire for you. They are yours for as long as you want them." Then as she opened her mouth to protest he laid his fingers across her lips. "I have never stopped loving you or wanting you no matter what else I am doing or seem to want. Now they have been promised to you for as long as both of us are alive." 

His hand fluttered across her chin then lingered softly across her throat finally moving down her chest coming to rest on her waist. She sniffled as she tried to restrain her emotions that the champagne had loosened. His hands were as gentle as his words as he tugged her closer to him. 

She leaned toward him as she focused on his lips that moved closer to her but they moved to her neck instead of her mouth. With a barely heard moan she opened herself up to him as his teeth nibbled on her, first as blunt then he changed and his fangs were there. Scraping across flesh but never breaking skin. 

Then, oh so whispery, his voice was in her ear and he asked, "May I?"

Sometime, she wasn't sure when, his hand had gone from her waist back to her throat holding it for him while he waited for her consent.

The last few times he hadn't asked as it had been part of the sexual act and he had just taken what he considered his. But her throat hadn't been part of it. The last time it had been pierced by him was the night she had tried to force him to kill her. Her consent would be a sign of trust and would give him honor that was his due as her mate.

"Yes." She said without even an inflection of doubt or nervousness. Their relationship had to move forward. To live without him was not an option any longer with her. This creature was hers and she would meet him halfway if she had to. No matter what anyone told her.

His tongue licked her skin before his fangs pierced into her. Twice in one day he had drunk from her and the power surged through him as the blood flowed down his throat. So sweet it was. This time something changed as she opened herself to him. Her love called to him from her life force. It wrapped around his soul and held him tight. He wanted to lose himself in this, to bath in her blood, to drink from her until there was no more. When the thought danced through his mind he released her. Blood dripped down her skin and he wiped it with his finger then offered it to her.

Buffy looked at the blood on his finger and then up at him. The challenge was clearly there in his eyes. To take another step and participate in his feeding, to do something that was part of who he was. Her hand directed his wrist to her mouth and her lips took in his finger tasting her blood on his skin.

"It's not about kinky fucking or needing someone else. It's not that you aren't enough for me or that I don't love you. It's about the call of power and freedom and the thrill of the hunt and the kill. It's about the instincts that are part of my nature as a vampire." Spike explained to her hoping that she would understand.

"Does this help you deal with that call?" She asked gesturing toward her neck.

"Some." 

"Does what you wanted to do with…?" Buffy hesitated feeling her heart ache at the thought of saying Donna's name again. "I want to be the one to give you what you need."

Spike eye's opened wider at her offer but knew it wasn't something that he could accept.

"I need you safe and happy." 

"Giving you what you need would make me happy. I don't want to play it safe anymore." 

"Buffy…"

Her hand came to touch his face softly as he searched her eyes for what was making her offer to put herself on the line for him but all he saw was love and trust.

"No, we've played it safe for too long. We've run and hidden from the truths between us and we can't do it anymore."

"Is this something that you want to do?" Spike's resolve was slowly weakening at her protestations. 

"Yes, I don't want you to hold back from me, to be afraid of asking for what you want and need. And I want to know more…I want to feel fully alive again."

"Then you go back to Sara."

"Why?"

"Because I need to know that you are safe. We made the decision not to push the limits before at her advice and I know that you will listen to her if she feels you are in…danger." 

This was something he wasn't going to back down from no matter what she said. If she refused then he would keep things at the level they were at. There was no way he was going to risk losing Buffy to the depression she had been lost in years ago.

"Okay." Buffy smiled at him with trembling lips. A part of her was frightened at the prospect of exploring this new territory but she made the decision to trust him. "So, when do we start the lessons?"

With a possessive smile Spike stood scooping her up against him. Buffy felt her stomach nervously clench but with his next words she relaxed.

"Not tonight. Tonight I want to make love with you." 

He laid her on the bed so gently that it made her feel like she was floating in air. The hands that pulled her robe off were filled with tenderness. Standing he quickly pulled his jeans from him as if he hated the loss of contact with her and once he was nude hurried back to lay with her in their bed.

When his hands and mouth touched her as if he was worshiping her flesh she felt her doubts slip away.

When his mouth and fingers brought her to ecstasy as he knelt at his altar at the juncture of her legs she knew that his love belonged only to her.

When his eyes unwaveringly stared into hers as he filled her so completely that it felt as if they became one being she knew that all of her tomorrows were safe with him. 

And when he held her afterwards and the night called he turned his gaze into its inky blackness as the desire to run and to hunt begin to lick at him but he deliberately shut his eyes against it and burrowed closer to his wife.

TBC


	20. Just An Ordinary Night

**Chapter 19 – Just an Ordinary Night**

_July 9, 2007 8:45 PM_

Buffy stopped dead in her tracks while raising her arms -- signaling those around her to be quiet. Immediately everyone around her ceased all sound in order to give her a chance to get her bearings.  She lifted her head allowing her Slayer instincts to take control of her senses.  It had to be around here somewhere. Then with a predatory smile she turned to the right and spotted it. With quickened footsteps she headed off to where it was hiding. 

"Oh, Buffy, come on." Spike whined as soon as he realized that she was heading for the cobalt blue minivan that she had first looked at over an hour ago.  Quickly he snapped his mouth shut when he realized what he had done. Looking around to see who had seen his weakness he noticed the salesman smirking at him with an expression of 'can't you control her?" on his face. 

"Excuse me, may I test drive this one again?" Buffy leaned out the driver's window to smile charmingly at the salesman, Chad. Raven was bouncing in the seat behind her enjoying every moment of this hunt. Her relationship with Buffy still wasn't always friendly but in times like these it seemed she enjoyed teaming up with Buffy to torture Spike.

"Of course, Mrs. Blood." Chad sighed as he headed for the van giving Spike a long suffering look but only received a mirror of his previous smirk in return.

Spike shifted Elijah to his other shoulder trying not to wake him. This was why he had sat down with Buffy going through the Internet to find out what type of minivan they wanted. She had made a list of all the options that she felt was necessary so they would just have to go and find one that matched their criteria. Though as soon as they arrived she had seemed to forget everything they had discussed and while Spike was talking to Chad about their list she had spotted the line of vans and had taken off with Raven in hot pursuit to find the one that 'felt' right. 

A shudder ran through him as something wet hit his neck and realized that Elijah was drooling on him. With a tissue he found in Buffy's bag he cleaned the two of them up then ditched the tissue between two vans. 

"_Have to do something wrong once in a while _just to keep my image up,_" he muttered, as he looked down at himself coming to the conclusion that since the wedding he was definitely whipped. A hand smoothed down the black knit pull over shirt he was wearing. Raven had picked it out for him on one of her trips to the mall with Buffy and that was the only reason he was lowering himself to wear it was so that she wouldn't be hurt. The shoes though were really too much he thought as he surveyed the sneakers on his feet. Buffy insisted that he wear them during family time ever since he had accidentally kicked Elijah with his steel-toed boots leaving a nasty bruise._

Just then the minivan with Buffy at the wheel pulled back into the parking lot coming to within an inch of hitting another van as she parked it back in its original space. 

"Way to go, Buffy," Spike called out sarcastically.

"Yeah, and if you weren't glaring at me I wouldn't have gotten nervous," she declared as she headed for a gray minivan across the aisle.

"Why do I put up with her?" Spike asked jokingly making sure that it was loud enough for her to hear as she moved past him.

Her eyebrows raised and her index finger came up in a warning as she stopped to look at him briefly before trouncing off with her giggling cohort beside her.  Spike watched her turn away in a huff which made her bottom bounce quite enticingly in her denim shorts. He unconsciously licked his lips at the memory of his fingers pressing into that very flesh that morning as she had ridden him into sexual bliss. His eyes could almost see the bruises that he had left on the whiteness of her skin through the denim and he ached to touch her again.    

Buffy stopped beside a gray van this time and before she could even turn around to ask Chad was already handing her keys so that she could test-drive it.  As soon as they were settled in the van Spike took off down the row again to keep Chad from noticing that he wasn't visible in the mirrors. Elijah stirred against him as his small hand clutched at his shirt.

"Go home, Daddy?" He asked in a sleepy voice.

"Soon as Mummy gets back this time." Spike told him determinedly. There was no way he was going to put up with this any longer. 

The gray van pulled back into the lot with Buffy driving carefully so as not to do a repeat performance of her last almost mistake. They climbed out with Chad coming to stand next to Spike. Raven was waiting for what Buffy wanted to do next. Buffy stopped in the middle of the aisle her gaze going from the cobalt blue one to the gray one in a pensive state. Then she turned to look longingly at a forest green one down the aisle some. Her mom liked forest green vehicles. As her feet started to head in that direction a hand was laid on her arm that stopped her in mid-motion.

"No, Buffy, make a decision." Spike told her authoritatively as Chad smiled in relief that he was finally exerting some control over his wife. 

"But Spike, I can't just decide. Let me go look at this one then…" Buffy took a step closer to him smiling that smile that usually twirled him around her finger. A hand was delicately put on his hip so that her fingers were curled into his rear.

Spike moved so that Chad was behind him.

"Elijah is asleep and I am hungry." Spike told her softly while quickly flashing yellow eyes and fangs at her. It wasn't an attempt to frighten or threaten her but just to let her know what exactly he was hungry for.

With a sharp inhale of breath Buffy straightened up and tossed her hair over her shoulder. 

"Fine, that one." She pointed to the cobalt blue one. "But if I find that I don't like it I will return it." 

Without waiting for anyone else she headed for the sales office while Spike smiled at his little spitfire walking away. There was no one else like her in the world when she was in these moods which actually showed that she was happy and feeling in control. And that only made him feel good about her and things in general.

Spike caught Chad looking at Buffy with a bit of annoyance and relief that this was going to be over soon. Spike's smile turned to a grin as he thought of how this would have gone down if he had any clue as to how this really worked. Elijah would have been with a babysitter and he would have drank his full of blood instead of the quick mug gulped before they left the house then he would have just sat back and watch Buffy go. Actually he would have encouraged her to test-drive every van on the lot just to make this chauvinistic ass earn every cent of his commission.

Slowly the others followed her in where she waited with arms crossed to allow Chad to lead them into his area. As they walked into his office he asked them for their IDs which were handed over to him. Spike and Buffy took seats in front of his desk while Raven with Elijah on her lap sat in a chair by the door.

Chad started to fill out some paperwork when he stopped to look at Spike's driver's license then curiously looked at Buffy's. He looked up at them, back down at their licenses then over at Raven then finally back to their licenses.

"We're mountain people. They're first cousins too." Raven told him sarcastically once she realized that Chad was trying to figure out how two people in their late twenties could have a daughter as old as she was.

"No, we are not." Buffy said emphatically before turning to Raven, "Isn't there a lounge down the hall that you could wait in."

"Gee, we can't ever stay for the good stuff. I guess we will have to make do with watching TV." Raven replied hiking Elijah up on her hip before heading down the hall.

Chad laughed along with Buffy and Spike but he was shaking his head the whole time. This family was just a little strange for him. If it hadn't been for their heavy platinum wedding bands crusted with diamonds he might have passed the sale on to someone else. But his commission was worth putting up with anything these two could dish out since they obviously had the money to pay. He looked up at them and started talking price with Spike.

"Now, hold on just a minute, about the price." Buffy interrupted knowing that Spike had never done this. Well, neither had she but she had at least a clue about how the negotiations should go.

"Buffy, I can handle this." Spike said as he looked at Chad.

"But Spike…" 

"I can handle this. Now sit there while I do this." Spike raised his hand toward her letting her know that he wouldn't take any more argument from her about it.  

Buffy shifted in her seat to look out over on the showroom floor crossing her arms and legs while one foot swung out her opinion on Spike. Let him louse up the deal and pay too much money. As she listened though her anger turned to surprise then to admiration as Spike negotiated a price way lower than the sticker price.

"Alright, you drive a hard bargain but let me go see my manager and see if he agrees." Chad held his hand out to Spike. "You are really trying to take us for a ride." He chuckled as he left the room.

"Where did you learn to do that?" Buffy turned to look at Spike with pride on her face.

"Impressed, weren't you, pet? Now come over here and reward me." Spike sexily smiled at her while tugging on her wrist. Buffy let him pull her to him where she settled onto his lap. Her hand cupped his face as she kissed him. 

"Mmmm, I'm very proud of you," she whispered before kissing him again.

"Anya told me what to do."

Spike let her in on his secret of negotiations before pulling her down to him for another kiss. He slipped his tongue into her mouth as his hand delved between her legs to caress her.

"Stop that. There are people watching." Buffy giggled as she pulled his hand out. 

"That's okay. I know how to make you wet and achy without touching you there."

Another giggle from Buffy before she brushed her lips against his.

"How?"

"Like this." 

Spike twisted a little in the seat so she was in front of him then he reached up to pull Buffy's hair from behind her ear so that it fell in a curtain in front of her face. On the other side of her face he pulled her hair back while his mouth went to nibble on her neck. Her fingernails dug into his arm when she felt his fangs pierce her skin. The pain of the bite rushed through her as pleasure making her moan in response. With a small laugh he released her while sniffing the air to verify that he had accomplished his mission. 

"That's not nice. Make me all hot and bothered and you can't finish the job here." Buffy whispered to him before tugging his ear into her mouth and sucking on it.

"Oh, I am going to finish it later and you are going to scream when I do." 

A trail of kisses was forged from his ear to his mouth.

"Unless I make you scream you first."  Buffy challenged.

Spike's hand slipped under her shirt to caress her along her ribs but ended up tickling her softly just so she would giggle again. Unfortunately he forgot to remove his tongue from her mouth first and ended up bitten as she tried to slip away from his punishing hand.

"Oh and how are you planning to make me scream?" He asked before sucking the blood from his tongue. 

His hand was pulled out from under her shirt to be placed on her hip but it strayed down so that he could squeeze her bottom.  Buffy tilted his face toward her to get his attention then while looking into his eyes she gave him his answer.

"Because we got a new package in the mail today."

"Yeah and what new toy did my wife order for us this time?" 

"You'll find out." With a giggle she began to kiss him again.

The sound of someone clearing their throat finally broke them apart. With an embarrassed smile Buffy looked up to find Chad watching them.

"Sorry," she said as she turned to face the desk.

"My manager agreed to your price. Now all we need to do is fill the paperwork out." 

Spike had previously told him that he would be paying cash for the van so it was just a matter of getting everything signed and filled out. Buffy stayed primly perched on Spike's knee as they went over the paperwork that was put in front of them. It made more sense to her because that way they could look at the paperwork together and save time. She forced herself to ignore Chad's staring at her neck as the bite mark bruised against her skin.

The paperwork seemed interminable as one form after another was placed in front of them but finally it was over. They stood as they shook hands with Chad and were handed their copies of everything then the keys. Chad followed them down to collect Raven and Elijah who was now awake and running around the room.

"Let's go." Spike said holding out his hand to his son. Once Elijah grabbed his hand Spike swung him up onto his hip again. 

Chad stayed behind with his manager as the family made their way toward the door of the showroom.

"That is one strange family," he whispered to his manager. "He gave her a hickey that looks more like puncture wounds. They are only like twelve years older than their daughter and I could have sworn that girl's eyes were glowing." He suddenly grabbed the manager's arm. "Look he doesn't even have a reflection." 

In the window of the showroom Elijah seemed to be floating in the air as they made their way toward the door. Buffy was seemingly holding hands with no one.

"What's their last name? Addams?" The manager joked.

"No, worse. It's Blood." Chad told him as they both laughed.

"Good night, gentlemen." Spike called out to them then once he knew they were looking at him he showed them his middle finger before he waggled the rest of his fingers at them.

"Soddin' assholes." He told Buffy once they were outside while Raven and Elijah both laughed at his gesture and words.

"Don't worry about them. We have a minivan," she said enthusiastically and once she realized what she said her face fell into a frown. "Now, I feel old. I'm like my mom with a geek mobile."

"Now you know how I feel." 

It was quickly decided that Spike and Elijah would take the Desoto and head for home while Buffy and Raven took the minivan and stopped to pick up Chinese food on the way. Before they went their separate way Spike leaned down to kiss her but Raven pulled Buffy away in the direction of the van before he had a chance.

"No more. Everyone was talking about you two in there. It's humiliating and aren't you supposed to be setting an example for me." Raven ranted as she pulled Buffy to the van. A hand was slapped over her face dramatically as Buffy blew Spike a kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~

"We're home." Buffy called out as she and Raven came through the back door carrying dinner. After putting it on the kitchen table she started to head out to find Spike just as he came through the door with Elijah right behind him.

Elijah had been rejuvenated when Spike had bathed him and now, dressed for bed, he was ready for food and fun.  

"Mummy, I'm hungry and so is Daddy," he announced as Buffy scooped him up into a hug. 

"Yeah, I know. That's why we brought home lots of food. Do you like egg rolls?" 

Elijah nodded as Spike moved to help Raven set the table and put the food out. Then while Buffy fixed a plate for Elijah, Spike went to heat a bowl of blood for himself. He reached over and plucked an egg roll off the table as his family helped themselves to food and started to eat.

"There's a movie on at 11:00 that I want to see. May I stay up and watch it?" Raven asked in a general air but her eyes were peeled on Spike.

He quickly looked over at Buffy then at the calendar on the wall. 

"Not tonight, Princess. You and Elijah have therapy appointments tomorrow morning." Spike told her denying her request. Buffy made coinciding appointments with Sara and Denise, a child therapist that shared office space with Sara. Raven and Elijah had been through too much in past few months for it not to be dealt with and Spike even went to the initial appointment to show his support for the idea.

"Why do we have to go? I just sit there." 

"I like it. They play with me." Elijah contributed.

"Well, they just want me to spill everything inside of me and it's none of their business."

"Maybe you should. You're having nightmares once or twice a week still and it might help." Buffy suggested.

"I'm not a nut case like you." Raven declared trying to get a rise out of Buffy.

"That's your opinion and you're still going." Buffy replied not letting the girl get to her despite how much her words stung.

"And I agree before you even ask." Spike backed her up.

"God, I hate this." Raven complained leaning back in her chair with a loud sigh.

"Mummy, want blood like Daddy?" Elijah asked pointing at Spike who was dipping his egg roll in the blood before eating it.

"Ummm, how about some soy sauce instead?" Buffy got up to retrieve a bowl then poured soy sauce in it for Elijah.

"Oh my God, you two are disgusting." Raven wrinkled her nose and pushed her plate away as Spike and Elijah slopped up their respective dipping sauces with the egg rolls then made grunting noises as they ate.

"Spike, stop that. You don't need to be encouraging him." Buffy reprimanded with a smile as she moved to the refrigerator to get another bottle of water.

"Kiss me?" Spike asked as she walked by sticking his blood coated tongue out.

"You are gross. No way am I kissing you with pig's blood in your mouth." Buffy giggled as she kept going toward the table. 

However she ended up detouring back as the phone started to ring.

"Hello."

Spike's arm came around her so he could kiss her on the back of the neck but Buffy pulled away holding a hand up as Tara's worried tone came over the line.

"What's wrong?"

"Buffy, there's been a man outside all day. Anya said that he was in the shop earlier just wandering around but never bought anything. Now, he is just standing across the street." 

"Are you and Anya together?" Buffy asked.

Tara's school was next to the Magic Box and Xander had put in a hallway to connect the two stores making it not only easier for the two women but also for the customers.

"Yeah. The school is closed. I'm at the Magic Box."

When Spike saw Buffy shift from being happy and giggly to Slayer mode he started to turn toward her when the window behind him suddenly shattered. Raven screamed as the bowl and egg roll he had been holding seemed to drop to the floor in slow motion as Buffy and Spike could only stare in shock at the arrow that now protruded from his chest.

TBC


	21. Never Again

**Chapter 20 – Never Again**

_July 9, 2007 10:55 PM_

Overwhelming fear engulfed Buffy as her hand slowly moved towards Spike realizing the arrow was no figment of her imagination. Her heart kept telling her that he would turn to dust before her eyes and there was nothing she could do to prevent it. He would be gone from her life forever. There were screams surrounding her but she knew that it wasn't her that made the sound. Tears blinded her as her fingertips made contact with his shoulder. She wanted just one last touch before he was gone forever.

A hand grabbed hers tightly as Spike spoke to her, "Buffy, I'm okay. Snap out of it". The sound of his voice was commanding and reality flooded back to her. Taking a deep breath, she turned her attention back to the phone.

"Tara, get out of there. You and Anya hit the tunnels to the safe house. We've been attacked." Buffy instructed Tara as she turned with Spike to force the children to the floor. Once she received Tara's acknowledgement she clicked the phone off and dropped it on the floor.  

"They're coming over the wall." Spike told her as he held Elijah against him. The sound of their attackers landing in their backyard forced him to recognize how vital the situation was. 

"Damn it." Buffy took Raven's hand to place it on Elijah. "Can you make the light bulbs in the house pop? We need the cover of darkness." 

Raven nodded through her tears before she closed her eyes to concentrate. She pulled the fear out of her and into the air, making it pulsate around them. Slowly the house was filled with the sound of glass breaking and with each pop a little more darkness fell around them. 

"Let's go. Crawl to the basement door. Move it." Spike ordered them. 

Buffy pushed Raven ahead of her as she took over the cradling of Elijah beneath her as she followed. Spike took up the rear while he punched numbers on his cell phone. Willow had set pre-programmed codes that could be sent to everyone at one time in case of emergencies. Spike typed in the numbers to tell them to head for the safe house.

The kitchen door banged opened just as they were going through the basement door. Quickly they moved down the staircase as Spike threw the locks to hopefully give them an extra few moments to get to safety. Buffy picked Elijah up as they rushed for the door on the far side of the basement that led to the tunnels. She held the door open for Spike slamming it shut as soon as he was in then pushed the locks into place. 

"What's going on?" Clem asked as he came hurrying toward them from his crypt. "Oh, shit," he added when he saw the arrow still embedded in Spike.

"Buffy get it out of me now." Spike told her knowing they didn't have much time.

"Sorry, baby," Buffy apologized in advance for the pain she would cause as she held the arrow by the piece protruding in the front then snapped in two. Quickly she pulled the rest of it out of his back throwing it to the ground once it was free from Spike's body.

"Clem take Raven. Get going." Spike told his friend as he swung Elijah into his arms. As soon as he was settled he headed down the tunnel with Buffy behind him. 

Running with the children and the lumbering gait of Clem slowed them down too much. Buffy could hear the bottom door of the basement being broken down. It was time to make decisions and it was her job to make them.

"Spike, I'm going to wait and get them to follow me in the opposite direction. Head for safety and I'll catch up with you later."

"No, Buffy, take Elijah. I'll deal with them." Spike started to hand his son over when Buffy pushed him back.

"Spike, they're human. You can't fight them. Go. Our children come first." Buffy was filled with sadness when she saw the fear in Spike's eyes.

Slowly Spike nodded as he turned to head in the direction that Raven and Clem had taken. His hatred for the Initiative spurned him on as he ran. They had not only taken his natural instincts from him but also the right to protect his family. The only thing he could do was hope that Buffy would be safe.

Buffy waited until she knew the attackers were only a short distance away from her when she took off down the tunnel that would lead away from where her family was assembling. Her hands hit against the walls to make sure they could hear the direction she was taking. With relief she realized that they were following her. For awhile she ran away from the safe house making sure that they wouldn't find their way back in the maze beneath the city. Now she needed to get away from them herself.

Their footsteps behind her made her pick up her speed as she headed for a tunnel that would lead out of the sewers. The ladder she was looking for was waiting for her as she turned a corner. As she approached it she leapt into the air grabbing the ladder about two-thirds of the way up. Scrambling she went up the last third hoping that she wouldn't be putting herself into the path of a car. The manhole cover was flung off with one push of her hand and she crawled out into the night.  

Thankfully the parking lot was almost empty when she came up. There weren't a lot of people around either as she trotted off for the line of shops to the right of her. Without looking she slipped into the first open doorway quickly disappearing behind a wall of merchandise in the rear. Feigning interest in some ugly knickknacks Buffy stayed hidden for a few minutes waiting to see if anyone followed her in. 

Once it was evident that no one was coming in after her, she looked around for an alternate exit. Luckily there was a side entrance that she slipped through almost like a ghost to those around her. Buffy found herself in an alley that ran between the block she was on and the one behind it. After deciding to stay away from the street she had previously been on Buffy headed to the left. 

It was several more alleys and street turns before she decided the Soldiers had given up the hunt for the time being. Then it was a matter of looking for a manhole in a darkened corner that she could jump into without being seen by passersby. 

"Totally gross," she muttered to herself as she landed in three inches of foul smelling water. "I so hope that this is not what I think it is." 

Buffy started to move hoping that she could find her way to the safe house as she moved through unfamiliar tunnels. At an intersection in the passages she hesitated trying to ascertain which direction she should go in when a small flickering light suddenly appeared to her right.  It buzzed closer to her before taking off rapidly leading her to the right. When she hesitated it waited for her hovering in the darkness then she knew for sure that it was a beacon from Tara to show her the way through the tunnels. 

"Thanks Tara." 

Turning in the direction of the light she started to follow it until she was once again back on track. It was just a few more turns then she was standing in front of their safe house. Halting in front of a brick wall Buffy stopped allowing all her Slayer senses to take over so that could be certain that she was the only being, human or otherwise, around her. Once her instincts gave her the all clear she stepped through the brick wall into the area where the original Sunnydale Department Store now stood.

It had been three years ago when a demon had come from the center of the earth creating a massive earthquake in its emergence. That emergence had left a hole in the earth into which the store had sunk. The city council in its usual policy of, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil, had decided to just cover it up and rebuild on top of it. Xander had led the construction crew in the building of the new store giving him access to the site. With little effort he had been able to keep most of the original store intact and left ways for them to get in. 

On the weekends he, Spike and Josh had gone down to reconnect some electricity and plumbing and reinforcing the structure for them. Even the merchandise had been abandoned in the town's zeal to forget their most current demon attack leaving them with excess clothing, furniture, and various other items for times of emergency. After everything had been set Willow had placed a spell around it that no one except for them would ever know that the building was there.

"Mummy!" Elijah screamed as he struggled from his father's arms so that he could run to Buffy. 

"Hey, Baby," Buffy told him as she hugged him carefully so that he wouldn't get into the mess that coated her from the waist down. Even as she hugged him her eyes looked quickly around the front area to find out who had made it. 

She immediately noticed that Kate was not present and, before she could ask, Giles spoke up.

"Kate is at the hospital. They have a lot of traumas tonight and she couldn't leave. I made her promise that she wouldn't be alone for any reason." His expression showed his worry over his wife being separated from him and their son.

"She's smart. She'll be okay," Buffy tried to reassure him. "I need to get cleaned up." She gestured to her spattered legs. "Afterwards we'll talk."

Buffy headed for the bathroom of the store stopping only long enough to sort through the box with her clothing size to find something clean to wear. Spike stood to follow her into the bathroom hesitating slightly, knowing that was in Slayer mode but he still needed reassurance that she was okay. He leaned against the wall as he watched her pull her clothes from her and started to wash up. When she flipped her hair over her shoulder for the second time in annoyance he grabbed a band from the basket on the sink. 

"May I?" He asked as he came to stand behind her. When she nodded her assent he gathered her hair up into a pony tail to keep it out of her way.

"You okay?" Buffy asked softly as she turned toward him noting the tension that was building in him. Her hand came to lay on his arm giving him a squeeze for comfort.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was worried about you. It's stupid, I know, you are the Slayer," he muttered as he turned away.

"No, Spike, I meant your injury. And it's not stupid." 

"I told you I'm fine. Vampire remember?" He gave her a slight grin that belied his sadness before turning to leave without turning back.

Things had been going well for all of them the last two weeks as they had all settled into their new roles. Tonight had been exceptionally well between them, especially with her and Spike.  She sighed as the realization that their honeymoon phase was over and now it was back to the reality of their life.

After she had dressed in jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt she made her back out to join the others. The babies were sleeping in a playpen near the adults while the younger children and Raven were on a sofa watching a movie. 

"Everybody okay?" Buffy asked as she walked up to them.

There were nods and several verbal assents as the others acknowledged her. Everyone drifted over to what they referred to as the pit. Several couches and chairs were pulled together in a circle while on one side was a table for Willow's computer and some reference books that they left there for their use. 

After everyone else was seated Buffy went to take a seat on the arm of the chair that Spike was seated on. 

"Did you tell everybody what happened?" Buffy asked Spike. At his nod she turned back to everyone else. "Since these people we are dealing with are human, tomorrow morning I want security systems with motion detectors put on everyone's house. Xander, can you pull some strings with your buddies and have the installations done, like tomorrow? Or rather today?" Buffy amended as Giles held up his watch showing that it was now after midnight.

"Shouldn't be too much trouble," Xander replied, his mind already figuring out who he could call for the job that wouldn't ask too many questions. 

Buffy nodded before moving onto to the next item on her mental list she had made on the way there. 

"Dawn, Josh, you are moving back in with Giles. In the dorm we can't protect you as well." 

"Uh, Buffy, I understand where you are coming from but don't you think we should stay there to keep an eye on the happy humans crowd." Dawn protested.

"I agree. Willow hacked into the campus computer and we have a list of those that attended the meeting. We've been trying to make friends with some of them. Besides Janice is there on campus too and she is going to go to the next meeting for us." Josh added giving an update on their activities concerning the Soldiers.

Buffy didn't like the idea of leaving her sister in danger but she also knew that they needed as much information as they could get. Finally she nodded her head.

"Okay, stay there but be careful. Travel in crowds and…" 

"Yada, yada, blah, blah, we know the drill, Buffy." Dawn interrupted her sister with a smug air only to receive an exasperated glare from her.

"Tomorrow morning I'll call Max to find out if they have any names from Donna," she reached behind her to take Spike's hand as she felt him stiffen at the mention of Max and Donna's names. 

"How can you be like this?" Raven was standing slightly behind the circle of Scoobies. "Spike almost died and you act like you don't even care. You are such a bitch," she shouted as the tears poured down her face. It seemed to her like Buffy should be comforting them and taking care of them instead of acting so cold. Without waiting for a reply she turned to run off as Buffy stood to follow her when she heard the bathroom door slam shut. Knowing that she would safe, Buffy sat back down to finish the meeting with a heavy heart.

A part of her knew that she should go to her daughter but the safety of the people around her had to take first priority. If Buffy had her way she would be curled in Spike's arms touching him all over to make sure he was safe then holding her children to make sure they were also safe but her role as Slayer dictated that she couldn't give into this luxury until everything was set. 

"After I get a list of names then Willow and Dawn can see if any of them match the club or any new residents here in town."

"No problem. I've already started a list of new people here in town." Willow offered.

"Great. Then…," Buffy hesitated as she looked at the faces around her gaze came to rest on Clem with a smile. "You move into the house with us. We can't put security on the crypt and they wouldn't hesitate to hurt you. So, it's up to the big house for you." 

Clem nodded his approval with a smile. These Soldiers were creating a lot more fear than the Slayer's name ever had in the demon world making a lot of them considering leaving Sunnydale and going back underground.  Mostly though it was Buffy's words that made him feel good because it showed that Buffy cared enough about him to want to keep him safe. 

Buffy closed her eyes for a minute knowing that her next words would probably cause some problems but she knew that it was for the best even if she couldn't force them to heed her advice. With a deep breath she opened her eyes to look directly at a space on the floor in the middle of them.

"I want the children sent to stay with Angel in LA until all the alarms are in and we have a better handle of what is going on. Except Elijah. The Soldiers might consider him fair game and follow him there."

A silence followed her words for a moment as they looked at her in surprise. 

"No, you are not sending my children away. Especially when you get to keep yours." Anya exclaimed.

"Buffy, are you sure? The thought of Jake being so far away from me, well, it doesn't feel right." Willow chimed in.

"No, actually. At this point I'm not sure of anything except we don't know anything but the fact that these people are willing to kill humans for their cause. What if they find out that Aidan and Jessy are the children of an ex-demon or that Jacob is the son of two witches? Will they attempt to stop the contamination before they are adults? I just want a little time to figure some things out to be able to know that they won't be under immediate attack but it's your decision." Buffy leaned forward while she spoke with them making sure that eye contact was made with each parent. 

After a few minutes they slowly agreed knowing that Buffy was right. They had to know how bad things were before they could even protect their own families. Plus with them away in safe care that would give them more time to help get the information they needed. Agreements were given to Buffy and it was decided if plans could be made Angel would pick them up that night.

"Anything else that I forgot?" Buffy asked and when no one offered up anything else she told them to try and get some sleep before morning. As everyone broke up to head for the small sections assigned to each family she turned so she was sitting in Spike's lap. She wrapped her arms around his body squeezing him in a tight hug.

"I love you," she whispered to him as she tried to pull him down toward her for a kiss but frowned as he turned away. "What's wrong?"

"I'm no good to you, Buffy."

"What do you mean? No good to me?" 

Spike turned so he was looking at her again. Ever since he had to leave her back in the tunnels every disadvantage he possessed had been replaying in his mind.

"They're human. I can't fight them. I can't be with you or the children during the day. I am completely useless to you in this battle."

"No, you're not." Buffy shifted so she was straddling him and her hands were holding his face. "It's true you can't be with us during the day. If it comes down to it we just won't go out during the day." She kissed him quickly before settling back with her hands resting on his chest. "Spike, I know that if the only thing between me or the children and a human intent on killing us was you then you wouldn't care how much pain it caused, you would fight to the death for us." 

Spike wrapped his arms around her pulling her close to him until his face rested against the softness of her chest. 

"I would, Buffy, I would." His voice was determined and he knew it would take death to keep him from fighting for her or their children or the Scoobies.

"Okay then. Now, we need to go check on Raven." 

Buffy stood taking his hand so she could pull him along behind her. They stopped briefly to check on Elijah who was now sleeping on a mattress with Aidan. Spike pulled the comforter tighter around them before they went to find their daughter. 

Dawn had gone to keep Raven company while Buffy spoke with Spike. As soon as Buffy came into view Raven took one look at her and deliberately turned away. With a sigh Buffy came to sit beside her while Spike sat cross-legged in front of them. Dawn moved away to find Josh so the family could talk.

"I'm sorry that you think that I was being uncaring because it's not true. I care very much but I have other responsibilities that needed to be taken care of." Buffy tried to explain.

"You care about those things more than us." 

"No, I don't. Everyone out there looks to me to make the decisions and to decide the course of the fight. You were safe for the moment therefore they had to come first. If you or Elijah or Spike was in immediate danger, or actually any of them, then they would have my first priority." Buffy took a risk to put her hand on Raven's back and was relieved when she didn't pull away. "I can't fight if I am being emotional but don't ever doubt my love for my family." 

"You don't love me," Raven responded wistfully. As much as she didn't want this woman's love she still needed the warmth of it. 

"Yes, I do," Buffy told her knowing in her heart that it was true, "as if you were my own." 

Sobbing, Raven turned to cuddle into Buffy's arms while Spike moved to the other side of her wrapping his arms around them. Finally knowing that everyone was okay and taken care of Buffy let her own emotions loose and she was crying alongside her daughter as Spike rocked them both. 

TBC


	22. Hope and Devastation

**Chapter 21 - Hope and Devastation**

_July 10, 2007__ _7:45 AM____

The small family accompanied by their friend made their way dejectedly through the tunnels toward home.  When everyone had woken that morning the adrenaline rush of last night's flight had worn off leaving them dealing with the fear.  For each of them the fear was a little different according to who they were in the family structure. 

Spike was afraid for his family knowing that he was now a target to be discarded like yesterday's garbage. He was unable to protect them as he saw fit leaving him feeling less of a man than he wanted. Buffy would have to carry more of the load as protector of the house.  His heart was finally opening to the idea of being a husband and father and to even entertain the thought that they would be pulled from him alternately made him want to run from them before the pain could even come or run with them. If he chose that path then he would pick the mode of transportation this time.  Never again would he run in a damn RV.

Buffy could only see the arrow that protruded through her husband's chest making everything in her want to wrap her arms around him and never let go. She had tried to reassure him the night before but she knew that with these human adversaries he was completely vulnerable unable to fight back either for himself or them.  Her hand tightened involuntarily on Elijah's as her fear and concern for the children came second to her. They had already lost their own parents, been on a cross country flight with someone they later found out had been inadvertently involved in those deaths, now to have to be afraid that their new home was no longer safe had to be overwhelming for them. Lastly the rest of the family moved through her mind. It had to be horrible for them to have to send their babies away even if it was to keep them safe. She wished silently that it were just some hell-raising demon they had to fight instead of this unfamiliar territory of humans.

Raven remained silent while walking behind her new parents and Elijah. She kept telling herself that nothing mattered to her but herself. It was safer that way because no matter what you cared about was eventually lost to you. Just as she had been letting herself become attached to these people, well mostly Spike, and this new life it seemed that it could all disappear in one breath. She resolved to build her walls again and only let Elijah close to her. Mommy wouldn't have it any other way and she wouldn't disappoint her no matter what else happened.

Elijah only knew that he was scared because the people around him were scared. Mummy and Daddy weren't taking the time to carry him or reassure him leaving him to feel left out of something. He just wanted to go home so that things could be the way they were before they left. 

Finally Clem, taking up the rear position on the trek home, watched the small family ahead of him. Over the years Spike and Buffy had become closer to him than he thought was possible. They had taken him in without a second thought, treated him as part of the family and he vowed to help them in any way that he could in the coming fight. It was also a relief because he would now be living in the actual house with them and it would be easier to keep an eye on everyone, especially the children. 

Everyone froze at the same time as they reached the tunnel directly under the house. The door leading into the basement, at least what was left of it was barely hanging on its hinges. Most of it was laying in pieces around the tunnel.  With collective resolve they began to move into the basement with Elijah who was finally feeling better about things as he now rested on Spike's hip.  Light poured down into the basement because that door was in the same condition as the one they had previously been through. 

"Let me go up first." Buffy said hating the fact that that her words would only make Spike feel more useless. Although they both knew if anyone was up there that it had to be her first. 

After he gave a terse nod Buffy climbed the stairs to the first level of their house. As soon as she stepped into the hallway she knew it was bad. It was worse than bad as she involuntarily gave a sharp cry at the destruction just in that one area. As her cry gave way to pain she felt Spike and the others behind her. Their reaction was the same as hers. As one they turned toward the living room gingerly stepping over the paintings and furniture that had once decorated their hall. Their front door had also been left open to the world.

It was in the main room of the house however that the full force of the Soldiers hatred began to dawn on them. Nothing was left where it originally stood. The furniture had been overturned, the pictures and paintings torn from the wall, and the television screen had been smashed in. The most heinous thing that they had done though was actually the least amount of damage. The heavy black out curtains had been torn from the windows in an act of making Spike's home unsafe for him to walk in safety. It was something that they would find had been repeated throughout the entire house.

No one spoke a word although Elijah began to sob and tears fell from both Buffy and Raven.  They traveled together toward the kitchen then stood in the doorway as they cataloged the damage there. The dishes and glasses had been pulled from the cabinet and broken against the floor.  The refrigerator doors had been opened and then the appliance had been turned face down onto the floor. 

Spike suddenly handed Elijah to Buffy as his eyes turned toward his study. That was where his most precious items were along with copies of his first book and notes for the current one. Buffy could see the panic in his eyes as he started to walk that way. With a quick kiss she passed Elijah on to Clem and told them to wait there while she followed her husband into his study. 

It was at this time that Raven thought of her new room and what little possessions she had left from her former life and she turned to run upstairs. Clem felt the call of his new imposed role and followed her.

"Spike," Buffy called to him softly as he knelt on the floor assembling papers.  She looked around the room at the overturned bookcases and smashed computer knowing that this would hurt him more than most anything else would. After a century of a nomad existence this house and especially this room had become his stability. 

"I guess I deserve this," he told her as she came to kneel beside him.  

She reached out to start stacking the papers again and found a few files were still intact. The further they had gone into the house it seemed the less attention they paid to details. 

"Why would you deserve this?" Buffy asked him softly knowing that he needed to open up about this before it tore him apart. She watched his hand reach for some papers only to pull back sharply as the sun hit his flesh but she remained silent waiting for him.

"I wanted to leave you and this house, wanted to be bloody free to do whatever I wanted, and now this. Didn't think it would hurt so much. It's just a fucking house, for God's sake." He bit back a sob as the pain ripped through him. They had worked on this house for so long, waiting to find each perfect piece before buying it and now it lay around them like rubble.  "Or maybe it's payback for all the hurt and damage that I did before. Why hurt you though?" 

A hand was run gentle over his head as he closed his eyes in an attempt to regain control. His hand reached up to cover hers pulling them down to his lap. His eyes opened as he looked around his study knowing that nothing in their lives was ever going to be the same. 

Their silent reflection was broken by a piercing scream from upstairs and they stood to run toward it. It didn't take long for them to realize that it was Elijah that had screamed but was now crying. 

"Rufus. I want Rufus." He repeatedly asked for the stuffed dog that Spike had bought for him the first time they had gone to the mall. 

When Spike and Buffy reached his room they found him standing by the door crying while Clem and Raven were attempting to move the overturned furniture. Spike knelt by his son.

"Can't find Rufus, huh? Let Mummy and me try." 

He quickly kissed Elijah on his forehead before turning toward the others. 

"Let Buffy and me move this stuff." 

Raven crawled back over the mattress to take Elijah aside as Buffy, Spike and Clem began to move the furniture. The mattress and springs were still intact but the bed had been splintered when it was flipped. After piling the bed against the wall and putting the dressers upright they found the stuffed dog in the corner. With a triumphant smile Spike held the untouched dog aloft and carried it to his son.

"Thank you, Daddy." Elijah hugged the dog to him as his thumb returned to his mouth. "You too Mummy." 

Spike reached for Buffy's hand as they moved out of his bedroom to look at theirs. It was as bad as the living room in the destruction. Their mattress had been shredded and all the contents of their dressers overturned onto the floor before the drawers were smashed. Everything on Buffy's vanity had been swept onto the floor with many of the bottles broken. A quick glance into their closet showed that their clothes had been pulled from the racks and left on the floor. 

"How bad is your room, Raven?" Buffy asked.

"Pretty much like this." She moved without realizing to stand closer to Buffy. "Why did they do this?"

"To try to put us in our place. To show that we are not good enough to have all of this." Buffy told her while slipping an arm around her shoulder.  Raven sank into her for a moment then remembered her earlier decision and stepped away from Buffy. 

"So, now what do we do?" Clem asked hesitantly noting the shell-shocked expression on everyone's face. 

Buffy glanced down at her watch then looked over at the children.

"I'm going to cancel our appointments for this morning and reschedule. Then I guess we start cleaning up," she stated softly. It was going to be a major undertaking to get this house in order again.  Buffy pulled her cell phone off the waistband of her jean to dial the number for Sara's and Denise's office.  The appointments were rescheduled for that Friday after she quickly explained the circumstances. While she had been talking she had moved to the stairs taking a seat on them about halfway down. 

Spike had followed her coming to sit on one side of her until Elijah squirmed his way in between them while Raven and Clem took seats behind them. The next call that Buffy made was to Giles.

"Is everybody else's houses okay? And the store and school?" She asked immediately after Giles said hello not giving into the luxury of any small talk.

"They are fine. I've talked to everyone this morning. What's wrong Buffy?" 

"They ransacked our house, Giles.  Most of the furniture and stuff is destroyed." Tears threatened to overwhelm her for a moment but she quickly pushed them away. There wasn't time for them. It was like she had told Raven the night before some things that took precedence over her need to indulge in tears. Lately though it seemed everything took priority over her need to grieve. Spike's hand slipped into hers to give her a squeeze in support. 

"I'm sorry, Buffy and tell Spike that I am. Look I'll call everybody and have them come over to help as soon as they can.  Is there anything that I can do right now?"

"Find the son of a bitches and string them up," she responded honestly to her Watcher's question.  Then when met with silence she gave a bitter laugh and sighed. "Giles, would you call Angel and make the arrangements for tonight?" 

"Certainly. And I will be over as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Giles. I appreciate it." 

Buffy hung up the phone and laid it on the stairs next to her. It was time to plan a course of action for the clean up. Although at the moment it seemed too overwhelming and she dropped her head into her hands as she studied her feet.  She wondered what would happen if she suggested that they leave it all behind and start over somewhere else. Not that she really wanted to leave this place where she and Spike had begun to build lives together.  There wasn't really a choice but to buck up and start doing what needed to be done. As she raised her head she saw Max coming up the front walk. He smiled when he realized that he had been noticed. 

"Max!" Raven exclaimed and ran down the stairs to hug him.  

Elijah afraid that he was going to be taken away cuddled closer to Spike. Max returned Raven's hug while saying hello to the others. His eyes glanced curiously at Clem.

"Clem this is Max. Max this is Clem a friend of ours who is going to be sharing our house for a while." Buffy introduced the two men. 

"Hi, good to meet you. Hey, Spike, Elijah." Max finished greeting everyone with one eye on the mess in the hall. "Looks like they left you a calling card." 

"Yeah, they did." Spike said while watching him suspiciously. He hadn't forgotten that Buffy had met with Max while he was gone. 

"I was in Los Angeles when I got your call this morning and thought I would just run the names up and see how you guys made out last night," he explained as if he could read Spike's mind. "The whole house like this?"

"Yeah, it's pretty bad." Raven answered. "Even the refrigerator got overturned."

"I'm hungry." Elijah piped up.

Max watched the look that passed between the couple that indicated that they were both on the edge of falling apart. 

"Look, why don't I take the kids and pick up some breakfast for everybody? Give you two a few minutes alone to figure out what needs to be done."

Spike looked up at him getting ready to turn the offer down when he noticed how excited Raven was at the idea and even Elijah was beginning to relax again around Max. 

"That would be great." Spike relented to the majority opinion as Buffy looked at Max in gratitude of the offer. 

Max looked up and asked Clem to ride along with them surprising the demon with the man's casual acceptance of him. He nodded his agreement because this way he could make sure this guy wasn't going to do anything to Raven or Elijah. Before they left Buffy asked Max if he minded picking up some blood for Spike.

"No problem. We'll be back in about an hour." Max told them as he started to shepherd everyone out of the house leaving Buffy and Spike alone.

Galvanized by the relief of suddenly not having three other people there Buffy moved quickly into the kitchen searching for the hammer and nails that once were kept in a drawer. After a few moments of kicking things around she found them and moved toward the living room. A loud sound of wood breaking reached her as she came through the doorway. 

Buffy hesitated only for a moment as she watched Spike begin to move the broken furniture that he could reach without going into the morning sun that stretched halfway across the room. She pulled over what was left of a china cabinet and scrambled on top of it holding the curtains next to her. Spike stopped what he was doing to watch her as she pounded nails into the curtains leaving them haphazardly hanging but still keeping the sun out. As one area was now safe Spike came over to help her by moving her and her impromptu 'ladder' over as she needed it. The action alone of reclaiming some security for Spike began to make her feel in control again. 

It didn't take long for them to complete the task and as she dropped the hammer for the last time Spike reached his arms up for her. She dropped down letting him catch her before placing her on her feet.

"It's ruined Buffy."

"Not everything. Not us," she reminded him softly. 

"You're right not everything." He responded while bending down to pick up what used to be a table leg.  With a roar he raised it over his head bringing it repeatedly down on what was left of their television. When it was in pieces at his feet he began to throw the rubble into a pile in the middle of the room, breaking or smashing it even further before it landed.

"Come on Buffy release a little of that pent up tension," he told her when he realized that she was looking at him in something akin to horror.

"That's our stuff that you are finishing destroying." 

Spike tossed her a partially demolished lamp telling her to smash it. Buffy looked from him then down at the lamp then threw it with everything she had against the wall. It broke into even smaller pieces with a satisfying crashing sound. 

With a smile at Spike she joined him in the further demolition of what used to be pieces of furniture that they had thought would last forever. It felt good though just to let go and let the anger and pain out on something that wouldn't care if she did or not. The sweat ran down her back and between her breasts as she and Spike picked the couch up together and threw it into the entrance hall. As she let go Buffy lost her balance and landed on what used to be the coffee and end tables.  On her way down she reached out to grab Spike and ended up pulling him down on top of her. For a moment she just wanted to lie there and catch her breath while Spike rested on top of her. 

"Feel better?" She asked him as her hand drifted across his back. 

He rose up with a cocky grin on his face as he shifted over her pushing his leg between hers. His knee came to rub against her as he whispered, "I am getting there", leaving no doubt as to what would make him feel better.  After deciding that he had been right before and maybe he was right this time too. She raised her head while tugging his down so that their lips met, teeth and tongues both battling for dominance. 

Hands began to tear at clothes as they both wanted to the feel of skin to skin. Hunger drove them on as his t-shirt willingly parted under her hands. Her shirt was roughly pushed up and her bra torn under hands needing contact with her. With a sigh he rested briefly on her letting their skin connect but it wasn't enough as he rose up again.  Lips parted only momentarily for her to breathe then returned to their battle. His hands impatiently undid her jeans pushing them down her legs while she curled them to help.

Buffy laughed as she broke away from him after realizing her jeans were caught on her shoes. Then somehow the shoes were kicked or pulled off then she pedaled her way to being open for him. Spike pushed her knees apart and lay on top of her. They sighed in unison as their bodies touched, the anticipation that their need was soon to be quenched nearly unbearable.

"Now," Buffy implored not wanting or needing foreplay.

Spike had other ideas as he suckled at her.  Desire darted from her breast down to between her legs. A moan fell from her as she arched up toward him trying without words to tell him how much she needed him. Ignoring her message his hands held her hips down as he moved to concentrate on her other breast wanting to torment her a little longer before taking her. 

Buffy began to scratch lightly at his back trying to stop the teasing that he was forcing on her already aching body. Then as he kissed his way down her belly, nipping and licking, she wrapped her hand in his hair and pulled his head back to stop him in mid-motion. He grinned up at her in a way that infuriated her. Her desire took over and she yanked his head back sharply. A growl resounded around her as his fingers dug into her hips.

"Don't wanna play, Buffy, so tell me what you do want?" Spike moved over her positioning himself over her. 

"Take me." 

"With pleasure." 

With one forceful thrust he was all the way inside of her making Buffy bite her lower lip to keep from gasping aloud.  Her feet tried to find a solid base so she could be closer to him but ended up only scrambling uselessly on pieces of wood. Realizing that there was little stability beneath them she wrapped her legs around him in an effort to keep them together. But his movements were ruthless over her and the rubble shifted driving splinters into her back and bottom. 

"Hold on," she said before flipping them so she that could escape the pin pricks of pain. Not wanting to lose the momentum that they had she shifted to her knees so that she could have more control of her movements.  The feel of them together only drove her to keep the relentless pace in spite of the wood that now dug painfully into her legs. 

Freed from the responsibility of trying to keep them together Spike let his hands drift from her waist to capture both of her breasts that were swaying in time to the rhythm she was keeping. He cupped them softly at first listening to the mewling sounds that Buffy made. Buffy's response to the violence earlier and now this heated response from her now was driving him into a primal need for pain. His fingers twisted one nipple only enough to cause her a twinge of pain just to see how she would react. 

She arched away from him until her hands rested on his thighs and smirked at the accomplishment of removing herself from his game momentarily. 

"Yeah, think you got away," he sneered up at her as his hands shifted to her sides so that he could tug her down against him. To hold her there one hand splayed against her back while the other wrapped her hair around his hand so that he could replay what she had done to him earlier. Spike was careful not to pull it too tightly so as not to hurt her. 

Buffy refused to yield to his supposed victory as her fingernails gently dug into his ribs just enough to show him that she wasn't defenseless yet. Her hair was wrapped a little tighter around his hand trying to get her to yield to his show of strength. 

"Maybe I don't want to get away," she whispered in surrender but not wanting to relinquish all her power she left small ribbons of blood down his side as a reminder of it. 

In this small respite to set rules and boundaries all movement below their waists had practically ceased. Spike, the conquering hero of the battle, turned them so he could now control their quest for mutual pleasure. His hands held him above her as he moved slowly within her. His eyes watched every nuance of her face as he took his time to rebuild the earlier desperate pace.

"Is that all you got, lover, because it feels like someone forgot to eat his Wheaties?" Buffy taunted.

Spike laughed as he pulled almost completely out of her then slammed back into her with everything he had. At her grunt of approval he continued the punishing movements. Buffy pulled his head down offering her neck to him but he refused the offer only nipping with blunt teeth. Her hands roamed his back before moving back up to cradle his head when he especially pleased her. 

The rubble unable to take their movements anymore, slid with them. Buffy rolled them finally getting them to the security of solid floor. Her breath fell in heated bursts across his chest creating goose bumps in their wake. Everything around her was becoming a hazy fog as she concentrated on building the pleasure for them. 

"No," Buffy told him as she pulled off of him wanting to be in control only to find herself on her back again.

"Not this time. I won remember." 

As he tried to enter her again she tried to wriggle away from him while her hands pushed at his chest. 

"I told you not this time." His voice was menacing as he grabbed her arms pulling them over her head. After pinning them down with one hand he moved over her pushing back into her while she struggled against him. Once he was buried in her he released her hands confidant of her surrender but Buffy retaliated for his show of strength by slapping him. Spike's head snapped under the force of her hand while his eyes closed for a moment before coming back to look down into her eyes.

"You are mine. Now and forever, don't deny me what is mine." His blue eyes glittered with emotion.

"Yours? I told you no." Then she laughed up at him as she flipped them again. A gentle kiss was laid on his chest before she rose up so that she could give him what he seemed to need.

"Lost it didn't you?" Spike asked as he looked up at her. "Just couldn't stay in the game. What a little prissy girl you are." His voice changed into a higher falsetto voice as his hands rested on her waist. "No, don't do that. Good girls don't do that. Oh, I can't be bad like that." 

"I am not a prissy girl." Buffy snarled at him before helplessly breaking into laughter again. "I love you, you big pain fetish person thingie." 

"Just need you, Buffy, need you so bad." 

Spike held his hands up to her beckoning her toward him again. When she was laying on him again he rolled them. This time the wall stopped them and Buffy was wedged between his body and the wall.

"Guess we ran out of places to go." Buffy told him as she wrapped herself around him. Now all she wanted was gentleness and love.

"We will never run out of places to go." Spike told her as somehow he managed to stand while still holding her. She was now propped against the wall as he began to move again.

Her hands touched him everywhere she could while her lips kissed all the available flesh. Instinct began to take over as they moved together and her mouth closed over the flesh on his shoulder. She knew that he wouldn't care if she did as her teeth sank down into him. Blood ran into her mouth and she sucked on it tasting for the first time his blood in such an amount. Memories ran through her mind of when she had tasted Dracula's blood and wondered if she would get such a response from Spike's.

At first there was nothing but the acrid taste as it flowed down her throat then she felt power and desire and her body came alive as never before. Every nerve and cell felt the sexual pleasure between them and she could hear the blood flow in her body and the beating of her heart. From a distance she heard Spike growl in response to her feeding and his fangs scrapped against her own shoulder but he never bit. Every sense was heightened and she throbbed in need like never before. Every movement he made was like an earthquake within her body and she felt her release building rapidly. The blood flow started to slow and she couldn't let it go yet and shook her head like a dog to tear the wound even more. Spike cried out in pain but she didn't care as the feelings came upon her so strong that she finally let go of him and arched back into the wall screaming his name. 

Spike held onto her as she trembled against him and he followed her over coming to lean on her forcing her back into the wall while Buffy curled around him limply. Her face nuzzled against him as he held her.

"You were right;" he whispered "there is always us." 

TBC


	23. Pride and Places

**Chapter 22 – Pride and Places**

_July 10, 2007_5:45 PM____

The exhausted adults slowly collapsed into various places on the back porch while Raven plucked Benjamin from his play pen so she could free him from his forced confinement and Elijah took off running to his own freedom in the backyard. His dizzying run in ever enlarging circles made the others shake their heads at his excessive energy. Of course having been confined in the house most of the day made this display easily explained.

"I'd say we made pretty good headway today," Max offered as a way to start the conversation rolling in the wake of stumped sentences and polite orders of the previous hours. The kitchen had been cleared of debris and was now ready for minor repairs and replacement items. Raven had been placed in charge of the lists, one for the repairs and one for the things that needed to be replaced. Unfortunately for her, she had also been responsible for sweeping the floors once they were clear of the larger pieces. 

After they had finished the kitchen the children's rooms had been next. Thankfully their mattresses and springs were left untouched so that all that was left to replace was the bedroom furniture. But since it was something that had already been planned on no one was as upset about the losses in those rooms. Most of their personal things were left untouched, such as their clothes, just having been dumped out onto the floor when the dressers had been destroyed. 

Thankfully Xander had been pulling strings for them all day and a construction size dumpster had been delivered mid-morning so that they had somewhere to remove the debris to. Buffy and Spike's room had also been cleared but the living room and dining room were waiting to be tackled. Spike's study was something that he wanted to do alone so that was also left untouched. 

"Yeah, it feels like moving day except nobody is coming or going," Buffy said looking wearily at their helpmate from Spike's shoulder. She had curled into him on the swing needing the comfort of his arms but as she did the tension that was coiling tightly in him again was easily felt. The brief explosions this morning hadn't held through the afternoon as they had gone from room to room cleaning up the remains of their home. Buffy could only hope that when he exploded this time that nobody was in his way that shouldn't be. 

"Thanks mate," Spike said honestly to Max. 

All day he had been working as hard as they had when there was no need for him to. After coming back with nourishment for everyone Max had called his superiors and said he was going to stay in Sunnydale for a few days to help out. Max had liked Spike as well as Buffy from the beginning and admired the fact that no matter what happened they seemed determined to work it out.

"No problem." 

"I hope the pizzas and stuff get here soon." Clem said as he felt his stomach rumble in protest. Buffy and Spike's kitchen had always been his place to go for snacks and for now it was pretty much gone. 

"Me too, I am starving," Raven chimed in as she amused Benjamin with his rattle.

"Actually, right about now, I am looking forward to eating pizza myself," Giles added drolly.

"I'll go in the morning to buy the refrigerator and see if I can bribe them to deliver it tomorrow too," Buffy said.

Spike tensed a little knowing that he couldn't go with her but then relaxed because, after all, it was just a refrigerator. The need to get perfect items didn't seem to matter as much as it did the first time.

"Okay, then we can go shopping tomorrow night to start on the kid's rooms," Spike agreed to her purchase of the refrigerator but let her know that he wanted to be included on the rest of the things. She gently squeezed his hand in acknowledgment.

"Daddy, come play with me." Elijah stood in middle of the yard with the sunlight shining on him.

"I can't Elijah. Not until it's dark." Spike called out.

"I'm sorry I forgot. Max come play." 

Max laughed as he stood to go out to play with the boy. Within a few moments he was involved in a game of tag alternately chasing or being chased by Elijah. Spike watched as this man played in the sun with his child knowing it was something that he could never do. He knew it was silly to be jealous of this innocent game between the two but he was, especially after the events of the last day. Unable to watch anymore he stood abruptly, announced he was going to work on things in his study, and then walked away leaving everyone else in the waning afternoon.

~~~~~~~~~~

_July 10, 2007_7:45 PM____

Spike was setting up a temporary table for him to work on after having cleared out the old stuff. The only break he had taken in the past two hours was when Buffy had insisted he join them for dinner. She claimed that everyone needed the reassurance that some things, like family time, couldn't be taken away just because there wasn't a table to sit at. He had been relieved and a little proud when Elijah had chosen to sit next to him instead of Max. The little boy's conversation had been peppered with 'my Daddy this' and 'my Daddy that', the highlight was the rescue of Rufus. 

Immediately after dinner he had returned to the study trying to rescue as much as possible. Not only had the monitor of his computer been smashed but someone had taken the CPU, printer and fax machines and thrown them against the wall to ensure that they would be broken. When he had spoken with Willow earlier by phone she seemed confidant that she could save what was on the hard drive for him. The CD's with his work and other things on them had been stepped on but he was hoping that some of them could be saved. Another phone call to Barney, his editor, had a second set of needed corrections being Fed Exed to him with morning delivery. 

"Hi Spike," Willow tentatively said from the door. 

"Hey Will. Come on in." 

Willow stepped gingerly into the room noting the piles of paperwork and CD's into separate piles on the floor. She knew that each of them was probably to their likelihood of being saved or not. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered almost afraid to break the grief like silence in the room. Her life was also heavily recorded and filed on a computer so she knew the emotions that had to be going through her friend. The blue eyes that turned to her almost made her catch her breath as she saw the pain reflected there. Without thinking she rushed to his side coming to kneel beside him on the floor and engulfing him in a hug.  His arms moved to hold her as he took the comfort that was offered. Never again would he take his family and home for granted again. If nothing else this devastation proved to show him just how much it really meant to him.

They huddled in the embrace for a few moments as Spike regained his sense of purpose before he pulled back from her.

"Thanks," he told her. It was humbling as he went from one person to another thanking them for helping a former evil monster restore his home.  

"You don't need to thank me. As much as we have all been through I'm just glad to do something for you." 

It was pure Willow, underestimating how much her friendship helped everyone. If it hadn't been for Tara's constant support they probably would have lost Willow to the dark side on more than one occasion from her inability to realize her worth to the group. 

"I brought you a laptop for you to use temporarily until you can get a replacement. There is also a printer out in the kitchen. If you like I can go ahead and start setting up for you." Willow said already making room on the makeshift table for her to work.

Spike walked out into the kitchen to get the printer for her. It was set down where her hand absently waved as she was already engrossed in her work. 

"Willow." 

"Yeah," she looked briefly at the vampire than back at the screen then as Spike came closer she looked back up at him in bafflement. 

His hand cupped her face and he kissed her softly on the corner of her mouth.

"Thanks, Love, I appreciate it." 

Then he turned and left her to work.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh balls," Spike muttered as he walked back into his kitchen to find Angel waiting for him. His apparently angry Grand-sire was leaning back against the counter with arms crossed. Their eyes met in a quick clash of unspoken emotions before Spike looked away and made a beeline for the door leading to the living room.

"Not so fast," Angel said reaching out to grab his arm.

Spike shook his arm free taking the unspoken challenge and stepping into Angel's space. "Back off," he uttered with deadly emotion. 

"No. I want to say a few things. Things that could be over with now but you saw fit to hang up on me." Angel refused to back away from Spike's threatening stance. It was time that someone had the guts to tell this punk a few facts of life. Everyone in Sunnydale either seemed too afraid to lay it on the line or was totally blind to the blonde's selfish ways. Except Dawn who was the one that had called him to complain about Spike's recent behavior.

"Don't need or want your advice." 

"Too bad because you are going to get it anyway. Buffy is too important to me for me to see her hurt because you are turning into a whiny baby." 

"She's my wife. Stay out of it." 

Angel stepped back, needing to clear his head. It wasn't really his intention to fight Spike physically and Angel could feel the adrenaline rushing through his grand-childe.

"Look, Buffy is going to do everything and anything that she thinks she needs to do to hold onto you just so she isn't alone anymore."

"And who caused that insecurity. You did. I'm the one who has stuck it out with her, been there to take care of her and loved her no matter what." Spike emphasized that last part hoping that the knife would twist in the other vampire's gut just a little.

"I wanted her to have a normal life. Not a circus freak of a life," Angel retorted refusing to let his words distract him from his purpose.

"She has a normal life." 

"Which you gave her reluctantly. It's always your way. Yeah, you said okay let's try to have a baby then not once in those six months, which was your time frame, can she relax enough to get pregnant. Stress hinders the process as if you didn't know. Then you all have a chance to adopt and you have to threaten her into it by telling her it's this or nothing." Angel began to pace as he listed all the wrongs he felt that Spike had done to Buffy. "She agrees and still that isn't enough so you take off with some other woman. And lastly you deny her the wedding she has always wanted. Yeah, you gave her normal, buddy. I am so proud of you." 

Spike was shaking as the rage coursed through him. The guilt for all the things he had done wrong was there anyway without Buffy's ex telling him how he had failed.

"She loves me." Spike words were mostly to reassure himself and had nothing to do with the brunette pacing his kitchen.

"Why, I don't know? I should have dusted you five years ago when this whole thing started." 

"Do you want to step in and take care of her? Like you did when she was sixteen and you ruined her innocence and her trust." 

Angel stopped his pacing and moved in front of Spike again.

"That's always going to bother you, isn't it? That I was her first."

"It bother's me just as much as you are hung up on the fact that it's me she's wrapping her legs around every night and it's my name she screams out as she cums." Spike took a step closer to Angel as he snarled out his jealousy.

"You crude little bastard, you disgust me." 

"Go to hell, Angelus." 

Angel grabbed Spike by his t-shirt and shoved him against the counter.

"You listen to me and listen good. I know you're biting her and that you are trying to play sick little games with her. She's not Drusilla, so if I hear that she is hurt in any way or forced into anything that she doesn't want, I will destroy you." 

"Sick little games? The ones that you taught me how to play, lover?" Spike delved down into all his pain and frustration with this vampire and said the words that he knew would anger him the most. Then he laughed in the face of the one he used to fear just to prove he didn't anymore.

With a growl Angel turned into game face forcing Spike to follow suit to keep his edge up. 

"She's not a vampire and she's not a toy for you to use." Angel snarled. "She loves you for some reason, why isn't that enough for you?"

"You don't think I appreciate her. Is that what this is all about?" Spike bravado slipped some as he relaxed back into human guise.  "Buffy is everything to me. So, much that it scares me. I love her more than I thought possible to love anyone or anything."

Angel released him as the sincerity of Spike's words resounded around him. 

"You should have let her go when she still had a chance to have a normal life. To have babies and be with someone who could protect her." 

It was those last words that were the final straw for Spike on this day that had been nothing but emotional stress. It was the inability to protect her and their family that was bothering him more than anything. He didn't stop to think as he punched Angel in the jaw. Then he followed him down letting his frustrations, pain, and anger out on Angel.

"Oh my God, they look like cats fighting," Cordelia exclaimed as she with the others came hurrying into the kitchen after they had heard the growling and sounds of flesh hitting flesh.

"Come on. Stop it." Giles exclaimed attempting to reach out to separate them but was almost pulled down as the two vampires rolled on the floor neither holding back.

"If they want to act like cats then they will be treated like cats." Buffy stated as she reached for the hose that was on the kitchen sink. "Watch out everybody," she warned before turning the water on full force directing it at the fighting pair.

It took a few moments to realize that they were being soaked before they broke apart. They stood facing off as they panted needlessly and shook water off of them.

Buffy walked over to Spike laying a hand on his arm.

"Leave me be." He scowled at her then turned to Angel, "I can protect my family," before giving a quick look around the room then stomped off out the back door. 

"What the hell?" Buffy stared at the door that her husband had left by. 

"You interfered in guy business," Xander told her. "I'll go talk to him." 

As Xander headed out the back door Max turned to follow him. He didn't know what was going on between Spike and this other guy but he was laying his loyalty with Spike. Plus he understood not being able to protect your family from harm so he figured maybe he could help Spike deal with some of this.

~~~~~~~~~~

Connor slipped out onto the front porch with a smile on his face. He had actually enjoyed seeing his Dad get his ass kicked by Spike. Might wipe some of the superiority off of his face for a change but most likely it wouldn't because Angel thought for sure he was here to save the world. And damn anyone, including his son that got in his way. A sigh was issued for the night as he sat on the steps.

The front door opened and he knew it was her without having to turn around. Raven had been watching him ever since they had gotten here. It wasn't that he wasn't flattered or that he didn't think she was pretty it was the fact that she was only fourteen. Okay, she would be fifteen in September but she was still a kid. 

"Hey, mind if I sit?" She asked as she sat without waiting for a reply. "Do you want a cigarette?" Raven held her breath as she held Spike's pack up for him to see.

"No thanks I don't smoke. You do?" Connor was trying not to laugh at her attempt at being older and cooler by offering a smoke.

"Sometimes," Raven answered laying the pack on the porch with relief. She had never smoked in her life and still wasn't sure what possessed her to even snitch them. Hopefully Spike wouldn't look for them until she could get them back in their place. "So, what's up with your Dad and Spike?" 

"You don't know?"

"Know what?" 

"My Dad was Buffy's first love and Spike can't handle it."

"Oh." Raven processed that information while she began to think about the fact that Angel was a vampire too. "Your dad has a soul too. Do Spike and him have another connection?"

"Yeah, but it has nothing to do with them being souled. They were separate incidents. My Dad is Spike's grand-sire." 

"Grand what?" 

Connor looked at her with superiority having all the knowledge of the family and knowing that she was completely new to this completely insane incestuous group.

"Sire. A vampire sires another vampire or turns them. Angel sired Drusilla who sired Spike which makes Angel, Spike's grand-sire."

"Dru? Spike's ex-girlfriend?"

"Yep, that's her." 

Raven was looking more confused by the minute as she tried to follow the thread of history that was being opened to her.

"What happened to Drusilla?"

"Locked up somewhere in Europe the last I heard." Connor offered enjoying this role of teacher. Might be something to be said for someone having a crush on him.

"Oh. Is Cordelia your mom?" 

"No, just my step mom but she's cool. Took care of me when I was a baby and when I came back."

"Where's your mom?"

"Staked herself so I could be born. She was a vampire. Yeah, I know two vampires shouldn't be able to conceive but somehow they did." He offered the last part before she could ask.

"So, if there is a possibility for a vampire to have a child, why didn't Buffy and Spike have babies?"

This question threw Connor because he hadn't expected her to take this direction with her questioning but he didn't think it would hurt to be honest with her.

"They did try before you and your brother got here. Spike couldn't get her pregnant and the next thing we knew you two were here." 

Raven was silent for awhile then more to herself then to the boy beside her she announced her conclusions in dire tone.

"So, Elijah and I are just the substitute children. If they could have their own babies they wouldn't have us." 

It was then that Connor knew he had made a mistake and turned to look at the front yard unsure of how to fix the damage he had caused in his flippant need for adulation. 

~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, Spike, slow down. We mere mortals can't keep up with you." Xander called out to his friend who was walking as if the hounds of hell were after him. 

Spike turned back abruptly, growling as he faced his friend. 

Xander stopped by his heels as he noticed Max take a step behind him. To anyone who didn't know would think Spike was about to attack but Xander had seen this side of the blonde too many times not to know that Spike was just fighting his own demons of pain and insecurity.

"Careful, there, you are scaring the newbie." Xander said calmly.  He wasn't afraid of Spike attacking but there wasn't any reason not to be cautious. 

Yellow eyes flickered at the man behind his friend noting that Max didn't really look scared but more was stepping out of the way out of respect. With a deep breath he shook his head so that he was back in human visage. 

"Sorry. That bastard just gets to me every time." 

"I know. He didn't have any right to be giving you a hard time," Xander agreed. 

"I just want to know who has been talking to him about things that are none of his business." 

"Not me. And I don't know who has. Nobody has said anything to me about it," Xander replied. If someone had told him they were talking to Angel he would have been the first to try to talk them out of it. Spike didn't want Angel to know anything about his relationship with Buffy except the most obvious things. Xander agreed because there were things in his relationship with Anya that he didn't think anyone needed to know but the two of them. 

Realizing that he was opening himself up in front of a practical stranger who already knew too much Spike clamped his mouth shut. 

"Sorry if I'm intruding but I came out because I didn't think he was right telling you that you can't protect your family," Max explained softly. "Sometimes there are things beyond your control but it doesn't mean that you wouldn't die for them if it took that." 

Xander and Spike glanced at each other before looking back at Max. Apparently this man knew about pain but they wouldn't ask until he was willing to volunteer. The knowledge alone would give him temporary admittance into their circle until they knew everything. 

"Hey you guys." Fred called out to let the meeting of testosterone know that she was coming. Angel was ready to load the van so they could leave and she had volunteered to come out and find Spike and Xander.

"Hello Fred." Spike responded as he looked at the woman who had befriended him in the floundering first weeks after he had been souled. "Has the brooding pouf calmed down any?"

"Yeah, he's all clamed up and hurrying us along now." 

Fred ignored the 'leave me alone' vibes radiating from Spike and hugged him tightly to let him know that she was on his side. Sometimes Angel just felt like he had to control everyone. She would fight beside Angel giving him all her loyalty but that didn't mean she didn't see his faults. 

Spike melted at her affection and hugged her back. It seemed that everyone wanted to take care of him today and he appreciated every bit of it.

"How are you and Gunn's wife getting along?" Spike had been sad when Fred and Gunn had been unable to make it work out. The two were just too different to blend well.

"Like you and Angel get along. She refers to his days with me as his slumming days," she quipped trying to hide the hurt that it still brought when she thought of Gunn marrying someone totally opposite of her. 

"Bitch." 

"Shhh, you are still Gunn's friend too."

"I know but that doesn't mean that I am hers." 

"Really. Just something about that woman just, I don't know, she doesn't fit." Xander offered his support of Fred.

"Thanks guys. I appreciate it."

Max watched the exchange between the friends with a twinge of jealousy. It had been a long time since he had been in one place long enough to develop deep ties to anyone. While he was here he would enjoy the temporary inclusion with them but keeping a part of him separate for the time when he had to leave.

~~~~~~~~~

_July 10, 2007_10:40 PM____

Buffy watched herself in the mirror while she brushed her teeth trying to push away the memory of her friends' sorrow as they watched the van carrying their babies pulled away. Benjamin, Jacob, Aidan and Jessy were now temporary residents at the Hyperion Hotel. She laughed as she thought of what Angel had to be going through living in the day care atmosphere that was going on there. Luckily Kate had been able to take family emergency leave to go with her son. Benjamin was only three months old and still nursing so no one had felt any resentment at her going with them. Not that they would have anyway. 

After spitting and rinsing her mouth Buffy slipped on her pink flannel pajamas with poodles dotting it. Having Clem and Max staying in the house she had to stay completely covered when wandering the halls. A door opened and then a moment later another door opened and closed, Buffy getting suspicious went to investigate. Elijah's door was open now so she turned to Raven's room. After knocking and receiving an okay she opened the door to find Elijah curled up next to his sister.

"Do you mind him being in here?" Buffy asked.

"Why would I? He is my brother," Raven answered. She pulled the covers up and tucked them around Elijah protectively. "Those are mine."

Buffy was squatting by the bed looking at some photographs lying on the floor. She looked briefly up at Raven then back at the pictures.

"Are these your parents?" She asked softly already knowing the answer but hoping that Raven would open up to her.

"Yeah." 

"Your mother was very beautiful. You were right. You look just like her."

"Thanks," Raven hated it when Buffy did this. She was trying so hard to hate her new mother but then she would go and do something nice which only chipped at the wall she was trying to build.

"Are these the only photos you have?"  Buffy looked up as Raven nodded her head. "How about tomorrow we take these and have copies made. A set for Elijah to have in his room," she smiled as Elijah peeked his head out when he heard his name, "and a set to hang on the wall downstairs. I've decided that there is going to be a family picture wall and these should be included if you agree."

"They're not your family." 

"In a roundabout way they are. They are your family and you're my family now so that kind of makes them my family too. So, may I hang a set on the wall?"

"Okay." Maybe Connor was wrong but it seemed too much to hope for as Raven reached out to take the photos from Buffy.

"By the way what happened to all the stuff that was in your house?" 

Raven shrugged her shoulders. They had to leave so suddenly that they barely had time or space to take anything with them.

"Tell you what I'll ask Max in the morning if he knows." Buffy reached over to smooth Raven's wayward curls with a smile.

"Thanks."

~~~~~~~~~~

Spike was lying on the pile of blankets that Buffy and he had made into a makeshift bed until they could get something else. Candles were the only lights in the room as he tried to read his latest Michael Crichton novel. He looked up as the door to the bedroom opened to find Buffy leaning on the door jamb. A smile crossed his face as he saw the ridiculous looking pajamas she was wearing.

"Can we talk?" 

"Yeah," Spike closed the book and laid it on the floor. "Are you coming in or staying there?"

"Just wanted to make sure it was okay otherwise I was going to go and see if there was anything resembling chocolate left in that kitchen."

He held a hand out to her as she smiled and walked toward him. Buffy grasped his hand but refused to be pulled to him instead coming to sit cross legged next to him. Spike shifted onto his back with one hand tucked behind his head while he waited for her to speak. 

"I'm sorry about earlier." Buffy said softly as she played with the material of her pajama legs.

"It's okay. Over with now." 

"You and Angel are never going to be friends, are you?" She looked up to see the reaction in his eyes.

"No."

"Is it just because of me?" She didn't want to think that she was the only thing preventing them from making a full truce.

"It's you and Drusilla and everything else that Angel uses to try to make me feel small." Spike reached over to cover her hands with his free one while his thumb caressed the palm of one. "Don't feel that it's your fault, pet." 

She nodded trying to understand but knew that she probably never would. Spike didn't like to talk about those days except in vague terms. Not only from not wanting to share the darker side of him but also the pain and humiliation that he had suffered at the hands of the other vampires.

"What else?"

There was something else that she wanted to talk about and he suspected that the talk of Angel had only been a stalling tactic for what she really wanted to ask about. Spike would wait for her to ask even though he knew what it was about. Sitting up he moved to cup her face so that he could kiss her. It was soft in nature only meant to reassure her and make her feel safe. When he pulled back he saw the gratitude in her eyes. Leaning back on his elbow he waited.

"Did I hurt you when I bit you?" Her finger slowly outlined the bruising on his shoulder.

"Some but it's healing. Should be gone by morning."

Buffy nodded again. It was silly to be scared to talk to him when just a few days ago she was upset with him because he couldn't talk about sex with her.

"When I bit you and I tasted your blood I felt things." She spoke while staring at her hands and when he didn't respond she snuck a quick peek at him through her bangs. "Everything kind of got heightened."

Spike grinned at her tentative question. He had chosen to open his sexual desire for her and she had taken to it eagerly.

"When I drank from Dracula the only things I got from it was like a Slayer history and this power rush. I don't understand." 

"That's what he wanted you to see. Like this morning I wanted you to feel the pleasure. Vampires when we share our blood we can open and close parts of ourselves so the biter only sees what we want them to see or feel." 

Buffy only looked perplexed not fully understanding. 

"Since vampires don't have this huge expanse of soul to share, we can turn things on and off more than other creatures. Control parts of ourselves, our histories and our feelings. When you drank my blood I could open up the power and the history or my love or a hundred other things. Like project them onto you but I chose the sexual rush. I wanted you to feel really good. The other night, on our wedding night, you kind of did the same thing. You gave your consent for me to bite from your neck out of love and I could taste and feel that love, so powerful, when I drank from you."

"Oh," she understood it a little bit more now and wondered when they could do it again and what else she could see in him. 

"Not too much, Buffy. It can get addicting and then the normal things don't seem to be as good."

She nodded again knowing that it was true. If she had an orgasm like that everyday then the normal ones would never be appreciated again.

"Why didn't you bite me back? I could feel your…you at my neck but you never did." 

"Because to do that would be like doing a ritual that two vampires do. They have to be joined together sexually and then drink from the other at the same time. When you do that there is nothing that can be held back. It opens the flood gates between the two."

"Can we do that? I want to know all of you, Spike." Buffy asked eagerly.

"No, Buffy, no. It's not meant for humans. I've only seen it done with a human once, a vampire we were hanging with fell for one of his…pets and wanted to do the ritual with her. She went insane from it. There was too much for her to handle. I won't do it with you, Buffy. It's either me or you doing the biting but never both of us at the same time. Do you understand?"

Spike waited for her agreement before turning to blow the candles out. After lying down he pulled her against him. Unfortunately he knew the matter wasn't completely dropped. He could hear the wheels turning in Buffy's head trying to figure out a way to get him to agree to try but he would never voluntarily go through with it. 

TBC


	24. If You Don't Know Me By Now

**Chapter 23 – If You Don't Know Me By Now**

_July 18, 2007_8:10 AM____

The living room that was still bare of furniture instead was filled with joy. Kate and the babies were home again. Willow and Tara cuddled Jacob while Anya and Xander were in the midst of a family hug. Giles held Kate against him with Benjamin nestled between them. The LA gang, sans Angel, had stopped only long enough to unload the children before leaving again. It was a direct order from Angel who was still upset by the confrontation with Spike the week before. 

"It almost makes a bachelor want to give it all up and get married," Max quipped while looking over the scene in front of them.

"Do not say anything," Buffy demanded while glaring at Spike with arms crossed in front of her.

"Oh, Love, what would I say? Except that marriage is the only institution for a man to be in." Spike said solemnly while one arm glided across her shoulders and a small peck of a kiss was given to her cheek.

Clem and Max both laughed at the display.

"You definitely are training him well," Clem observed.

This time all four laughed because they knew that Spike was only 'trained' because each day Buffy and he were growing closer in spite of everything. There was no longer anything to hide behind as they got up and rebuilt their lives, one piece at a time, each day. 

"I hate to do this but we need to get this show on the road," Buffy muttered as she moved closer to the middle of the room. "Hey, let's get this meeting over with then everyone can go home." 

"Slave driver," Anya grumbled without any real emotion behind it.

The others slowly settled down into a circle with their children around them, Dawn and Josh came in from the kitchen to join them. Buffy waited once again until the others were settled before taking a seat on the floor between Spike and Max. 

"So, Buff, when is the new furniture coming? Because I do have to protest about holding these meetings sitting on the floor," Xander complained.

"It's ordered but we had to choose the bed or the living room furniture to be delivered first, guess which Spike chose." Buffy responded. 

"Yeah, did you all see that bed? That thing is definitely made for handcuffs," Anya chimed in.

"Okay, let's get on with this," Buffy tried to divert the conversation back to business because everyone was saying the same thing about their new bed.  Spike had chosen the new furniture insisting he was not sleeping in another prissy bed like the sleigh bed Buffy had picked for them before. This new one was a massive renaissance canopy style with four posts and iron scroll work on the headboard.  

"If you don't mind, I'll start," Max decided to try to help Buffy out of her unease. Then as everyone nodded he began to speak, "I got a phone call a little while ago about Donna. She is being flown to Tennessee tomorrow to turn herself in. One of our lawyers is going with her to represent her. No mention will be made of the demon factors involved in this case, for obvious reasons." 

"Will she go to prison?" Dawn asked while staring at Spike to see what his reaction was to her question. She was disappointed when he only stared stone faced at the floor with his hand firmly grasped by Buffy.

"Have no clue. We are going to try to make a deal for her since she didn't know about the murders until after it was over," Max answered. "She tells what she knows in exchange for parole or minimum time."

"We have matched three of the names that she gave with people who are new in town." Willow piped in when she noticed the tension that the talk about Donna was bringing. "One of those men was at the meeting that Janice attended last week." 

"Janice has also been hanging out with some of the people who go to the meetings but hasn't been invited or approached about anything more," Josh contributed. 

"Okay, we are going to send in a man to attend the meetings too. Maybe he and Janice could hook up so she isn't alone there." Max said.

Dawn and Josh both agreed that it would be a good idea for Janice to have someone else there and they would let her know. They had been worried about her safety if the Soldiers found out she was friends with them.

"As soon as he gets here then I will let you all know," Max said.

"Anything else?" Buffy asked looking at Max with a smile. "Since you seem to have all the answers tonight." 

"Sorry." He answered sheepishly.

Shortly afterwards the meeting adjoined with just a few last cautious warnings and instructions for Dawn and Josh to give to Janice.

~~~~~~~~~

_July 18, 2007_10:55 PM____

Buffy handed Spike a plate to dry as they worked in unified silence with brushes against each other as they invaded the other's personal space. The atmosphere crackled around them as they hurried through the last of the night's chores so they could finally be alone in their room. Their heads turned to look briefly as Max entered the kitchen then returned to what they were doing without comment. In the last week he had become almost another member of the house and was treated accordingly.  Even Spike had become friends with him after finding him a good debater on history and current events plus a worthy adversary in playing video games.

"What's this?" Max asked looking at a crude sketch on the new kitchen table. 

"It's some ideas we had for turning the attic into a master suite once everything settles down some." Buffy answered as she handed Spike the last glass and turned around to lean against the counter. "That monstrosity of a bed that Spike ordered doesn't really fit into our room and when we were moving Clem in up there we realized that it has a lot space."

"Sounds good. Is this like a sitting room?" Max's finger pointed to some rectangles and squares to the right of the drawing.

"Yeah," Spike came over to stand next to him pointing toward the left of the paper. "And this is going to be a huge bathroom for the lady with a Jacuzzi tub."

"Is it going to be heart shaped? Buffy finds them fascinating." Max joked.

Max realized his mistake as Buffy's face fell and Spike turned inquisitive eyes first at her then at him. Apparently Buffy had never told all the details of what had happened that afternoon.

"How you would know that?" Spike asked calmly waiting as Max and Buffy looked at each other unsure of how to answer. The longer they hesitated the more suspicious he became. Finally Buffy tried to explain.

"When you were with Donna and I met Max, it was at a hotel on the coast to discuss the…"

Buffy wasn't given a chance to finish as Spike grabbed her arm turning her toward him. She tried to pull away but found herself backed into the counter with Spike's arms on either side of her. 

"Spike, stop, it wasn't like that and you know it." 

"If it wasn't like that then why didn't you tell me?" Spike's voice conveyed his hurt and anger. Truly he wanted to believe her but there was a part of him that remembered when he said that she was free. And he had apparently given her that freedom when she was with Max in a hotel room.

"Spike, come on man, let her go," Max implored. Buffy looked nervous and he was getting worried about her. His mistake though was laying his hand on Spike's arm.

Spike vamped out as he growled at Max.

"Do not ever come between **MY** wife and me? Get out of here now," Spike shouted while his fist slammed down on the counter for emphasis. Buffy flinched and Max took a step back as they waited for his next move.

"It's okay. He's not going to hurt me." Buffy turned pleading eyes to Max knowing it would only be worse if he stayed. 

With a slight nod Max turned and against his better judgment left them alone.

Once he was gone Spike turned back to Buffy. 

"Now tell me exactly what happened." 

She reached out to place her hands on his upper arms and her eyes looked directly into his. 

"The plan for you to go to Donna was not the only one the family had. They also wanted me to meet with Max to find out if he was on our side and could help us or was against us. I didn't know about the plan until after you were gone. I called him and told him that you had left me for Donna and I wanted to talk. That I needed to be with someone. He agreed…"

"So, the plan was for you to call him and act like you wanted to get fucked and…"

"No, well yeah," Buffy corrected. "But he didn't believe it. He knew when I got there that it wasn't what I really wanted. We talked, I called you, and that was it."

"That was all? There was no touching or anything?"

Buffy's eyes flickered, darting away briefly, then returned to his. 

"Tell me the truth," Spike demanded.

"When I got there he met me at the door and he kissed me," Buffy hesitated as Spike growled softly, "on the side of my mouth. It was just for show, Spike, in case anyone was watching."

"Anything else? And don't lie to me." 

"Stop it. I am not some damn suspect that you are interrogating." Buffy pushed at his arm so she could walk away but she didn't get far as Spike grabbed her to pull her back to face him. His hand wrapped around her wrist.

"Damn it, Buffy. Why can't you just tell me? Did you sleep with him?" Spike's voice cracked with emotion. 

"God, no, he's been here for a week and have you seen any sign that we are having an affair? It would seem you would be the first to know if he did something for me."

Spike released her as he turned away from her.

"There's something that you aren't telling me. I know you, I know when you lie."

Buffy walked over to him wrapping her arms around his waist. It was time to tell him what she should have told him the night he came home. Even the most innocent of statements and questions could be misconstrued when they weren't dealt with openly and honestly. She laid her face against his back and felt the tears drift across her cheeks. 

"I was so lonely, so scared that you weren't coming home. I felt so unattractive, like I wasn't woman enough anymore. I just wanted to feel wanted again." Buffy tightened her arms as she felt him shake with emotion. "I asked Max if it would be hard for me to seduce him. He turned me down."

It took only a second for Spike to pull her arms from around him and push her away from him. Anger raged through him as he stared at her knowing that he really didn't have the right to feel this way or the justification. 

"Nothing happened," she protested again. It was almost like she could feel the ground beneath her crumble as she watched Spike lose control. If he would only listen to her with his head and not his insecurities then maybe this wouldn't be so bad but her hopes for that were quickly dashed as a glass was thrown across the room shattering on the wall behind her.

"Oh, that's great, there goes the new matched set," Buffy muttered sarcastically.

"You just told me that you asked someone else to have sex with you and you are worried about a set of glasses." Spike snarled as he reached for the full dish drainer throwing it onto the floor. "The hell with the dishes. You betrayed me."

"Damn you, Spike. You know nothing happened between Max and me. I'm sorry that I was vulnerable and lonely while you off having your little identity crisis but you know what, I knew nothing would happen with Max, Max knew nothing would happen and you, sure as hell, know nothing happened. You are just having a temper tantrum because you are looking for an excuse to run again. To find anything to prove that this isn't going to work. You just can't be happy because you can't trust it. I'm sorry that you got hurt so much but I sure as hell can't pay for it forever. So, when you simmer down, come talk to me."

Buffy turned on her heel and stomped out of the kitchen while Spike stared at her retreating back. Her words quickly calmed the emotional rampage he had been embarking on. In his heart he knew Buffy wouldn't betray him and that she was right. It had been too good between them and he was scared of losing again. So, he was looking for justification for his fears.

With embarrassment he looked at the mess he had made of their new dishes and swore this time he was buying plastic. He headed for the utility closet to find the broom knowing he had to clean this up before going to make things right with Buffy.

~~~~~~~~~~

_July 18, 2007_11:25 PM____

Buffy's intention was to retreat upstairs to wait for Spike to calm down but the sight of Max packing his bag stopped her flight. Unsure of what to say to cover up the raw emotions of her marriage she hesitated for a moment then just asked, "You leaving?"

Max laughed, "It would seem to be the best thing."

"He'll calm down."

After closing the zipper of his bag, Max turned to face Buffy with a look of regret on his face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that you hadn't told him."

"It's my fault. It just never came up, I never made it come up, and now I have to pay." Buffy forced herself to smile at her new friend as if everything was less complicated than it really was.

"He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No, all bark and no bite." 

They both laughed nervously at her unintended pun. For the first time since that afternoon when they had met they both felt awkward and unsure around the other. The easy friendship they had forged was now being met with suspicion and if a choice had to be made they both knew that Buffy would easily and rightly pick Spike. 

"I'm going to go on upstairs," Buffy looked behind her at the kitchen door to make sure they weren't being listened to, "stay in touch, okay? We still need your help. And I'm going to miss you."  

"Bye Buffy. I'll call in a few days." 

She turned and quickly made her way upstairs before she gave in to the impulse to hug him good-bye. That wouldn't help the situation at all if Spike caught them together but there was anger too. She didn't want to have to look over her shoulder all the time wondering if Spike was going to be upset every time she was talking to a man that he didn't know.

As was now part of her nightly routine she first checked on Elijah then Raven before heading to bed herself. Thankfully Max had been able to arrange for their parent's possessions to be shipped to them. The children now had their old bedroom furniture giving them more security and familiarity in their new home. There were still a lot of things to sort through but at least they knew that the things were there for them one day. 

After Buffy was sure that both Elijah and Raven were asleep and safe, Buffy headed off to her own room to wait for Spike.

~~~~~~~~~~

_July 18, 2007_11:45 PM____

Spike was sweeping the last of the broken dishes up when Max came back into the room. He looked warily at the Guardian as he casually made his way to the table and took a seat.

"You want something?" Spike asked as he dumped the glass into the wastebasket and leaned the broom against the wall.

"She loves you. It radiates off of her when she mentions your name. It's in her eyes that this is all she wants in her life," Max stated never taking his eyes off of Spike.

"I know," Spike agreed while he crossed his arms returning the other man's gaze.

"They why put her through that?"

There was no answer that he could give. After the confession from Buffy, Spike was still trying hard to distrust this man even though he knew that there was no reason to. Max had been here everyday working beside them, helping them, and being good to the children. Buffy and Max had treated each other like brother and sister, joking and teasing each other with no overtones of flirting.

"She's everything and…" Spike stopped unable to formulate the words needed to express his feelings.

"I know," Max said softly dropping his gaze to the table. "I once had someone like her. Brianna was my everything in life." 

"What happened?"

"We fell in love in high school; she was my first love, my first kiss and we got married when we were in college.  Right before graduation I was recruited by the FBI and thought it was the doorway for our future. For six years everything was wonderful. Everything we had dreamed about then I got sent with a team to a small town in New Mexico. They were having a lot of unexplained murders and needed help."

"Vampires?"

Max nodded his head before continuing. "I had never seen one before in my life. Didn't even know they existed until we walked into a nest. I learned quickly though and we took out most of them including the girlfriend of the leader, Leonard. He disappeared after the fight, after he told me that he would remember me for dusting his mate. I stayed in that town for a week to clean things up and every night I talked to Bri. Every night I told her that I loved her and she told me the same. There was something different in her voice though. I didn't hear it; I was too wrapped up in my work, too spooked by what I had seen. Oh, God, I had no clue."

He stopped for a moment as he choked back a sob. Spike gave him a moment of privacy by looking away until he was ready to talk again.

"When I got home the house was shut up tight, all the curtains were drawn. Leonard had been there, had taken my wife from me and left a monster in her place." His eyes looked quickly up at Spike, "sorry."

Spike shrugged his shoulders, "Its okay. I understand."

"She looked the same, smelled the same, but she was cold and the light in her eyes was gone. I stayed with her for two days; let her feed from me, while I tried to figure something out. It was all new to me, I had no clue, knew nothing about vampires. She had already killed. Leonard had already taken her out and taught her how to feed. Brianna was restless and couldn't stand the confinement of our house or me anymore.  She didn't want to stay and on the third night he came for her and she was going to go. I destroyed her and he got away again. It took me seven months to track him down. I lived on the run, met with demons, traveled with them, learned the ways of your, old, world. By the time I caught him it was nothing but revenge. The Guardians had heard about me from their contacts on the street. They found me afterwards, offered me a job and here I am." 

"I'm sorry about your wife."

Their eyes met in understanding for a moment then Spike headed toward the living room stopped for a moment then told Max, "You don't have to leave." 

"I think it's better if I do for awhile. Check in with my life and my job."

Spike nodded then looked over his shoulder at his friend.

"You are welcome here anytime."

"Thanks."

~~~~~~~~~~

_July 19, 2007_12:22 AM____

The room was heavy with the scent of incense and candles. Buffy lay curled in the middle of their new bed while running her hand absently over the new comforter. Slowly she began to trace the swirling patterns of burgundy and green while she waited for Spike. Then her heart constricted in trepidation when she heard his feet padding up the stairs. Not that she was afraid of what he would do in his jealousy but that they had lost precious ground in their relationship. 

Her eyes peered anxiously out into the hallway waiting for him to appear but he turned into the bathroom instead. A moment later she heard the toilet flush then water running as he washed his hands and brushed his teeth. A slow sigh escaped her as the bathroom door opened and he came into view walking toward their room. His eyes flicked over her before abruptly turning away to head for the closet. Shoes were kicked off, socks pulled off and finally he pulled his shirt over his head to drop it into the hamper. 

Spike's attention was now focused on her. All of his attention as he stood at the foot of the bed, his hands on his hips and waited. And watched. Buffy licked her lips self-consciously and her face flushed slightly as she looked back up at him. And waited for him to make the first move. She had done all she could, told him all of the truth of that afternoon and apologized. It was up to him now. Would he forgive her or would he revert back to the cold, distant and cruel Spike of only a few weeks ago? Had her lie of omission ruined the delicate trust that had been built between them?

"You know what you did was wrong, don't you?" Spike asked. His voice was low, without emotion and it crawled across her skin like the slippery cold of snakeskin. 

Buffy nodded her head slowly as she shifted to rest on her knees. Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked longingly at him. Her fingers knotted together as she waited.

His eyes moved around the room taking in the candles and the incense burning filling the room with the sweet smell of cinnamon and vanilla. 

"Do you want to make love? To put this nasty little incident behind us?" Spike's eyes were once again focused on her.

"Yes." 

Then he was there moving across the bed toward her finally coming to rest on his knees in front of her.

"Don't cry," he whispered as his hands began to undo the buttons of her pajamas. "Next time you want to seduce me though a little lace would be nicer than flannel." 

His lips moved across hers then shifted so his tongue licked away the tears that had gotten away to splash on her cheeks.  A small sniffle escaped her while his lips slid down her neck and her pajama top was pushed down her shoulders. Only to be dropped unwanted over the side of the bed. 

"I love you." It was only a whisper as he blew across her nipples, each in it's turn, as he watched them in fascination as they puckered up for him. Blue eyes studied green as he contemplated his next move. "You deserve my wrath for even offering what is mine to someone else." 

Anger flared in green eyes as Buffy shifted to get off the bed, away from him and his double standards and his games. A cool hand rested on her arm and she turned to look at him ready to tell him what she was feeling when she saw the amusement in his eyes. And she waited.

"I said you deserved it. Not that you had it. Because then we would be where we were and I like it here better." 

His hand cupped her face as she came back to sit in front of him.  

"Do you trust me, Buffy?"

Words that were soft and inquisitive but yet carried the weight of the world in their asking. Sadness surrounded him as he watched her struggle with that answer. Then knowing that only time would bring the answer he wanted, he laid his fingers across her lips. 

"You don't have to answer. I don't deserve it yet. One day you won't hesitate though because I will prove it to you. But for tonight, will you?"

She nodded softly. Tonight she would. And someday there would be no hesitation or 'buts' or clauses. 

Spike leaned across the bed so that he was lying on his side as he opened the drawer of the nightstand. Slowly so as not to frighten her, he pulled out wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, the leads to tie her to the bed and a blindfold. 

This was the first time that they had gone this far in the new games they played. Buffy was nervous because he was already feeling rejected and she still wasn't sure how he truly felt about what had happened but she wouldn't back out now. She inspected a leather cuff with lamb's wool on the side to be worn next to the skin before he took the other one and fastened it around one wrist. Slowly he put the other one on her before gently guiding her onto her back. His fingers slipped into the waist of her pajama bottoms and panties so he could tug them down her legs. Once they joined the top on the floor, Spike fastened the cuffs to her ankles. 

"Anytime you want to stop, just say the words and I will let you go." He reminded her before pulling the blindfold over her eyes. Buffy nodded as blackness took over and she felt him guiding her to lie on her stomach. 

"If it's too tight, let me know." Spike whispered as he tied her spread eagle across their bed. Once she was secured the way he wanted her he moved so he was lying on her back, as his cheek pressed against hers. "You are not allowed to talk. I will ask, yes or no, questions and you will nod or shake your head to answer. Understand?"

She nodded slightly against his cheek. Then he was gone. His feet padding around the room, the door opened and closed, Buffy panicked slightly at the thought of being left there but the door soon opened and closed again. She almost opened her mouth to ask if it was him but then remembered the rules. 

"It's just me, pet." Spike rumbled low in his throat as he turned the stereo on. The sounds of 'Sweet Emotion' filled the room as the bed gave way to him. Buffy could feel him kneeling between her legs, the fabric of his jeans coarse against the softness of her inner thighs. 

A leather covered hand came to rest on her lower back. It was the back of his hand as the fingers curled up and not down. One finger followed the curve of her bottom before the hand flipped and rested on one cheek. She started as she felt what seemed like a hundred needles resting tip down on her flesh. Spike chuckled as her bottom tensed beneath his hand. So as not to hurt he carefully rubbed the spikes against her. 

"They won't hurt you unless I would slap you really hard. Do you think I would do that?" 

There was a shake of her head for no. Then her muscles subsequently relaxed again as she once again made a decision to trust him. A slow wet kiss was applied to her lower back. His tongue was rough against her spine, tickling, licking, and flicking as she squirmed under his ministrations. Then it was gone as he moved again, shifting so his knees were on either side of her hips, his hand was next to her arm, fingers sliding below the limb as the gloved hand came to rest on her shoulder. 

Almost tenderly the spiked hand drifted down her arm until it reached leather. It tickled the underside of her arm and Buffy giggled from the sensation. Quickly she tried to silence the sound but couldn't stop another to slip away from her.

"Its okay, Love. Responses are allowed, even encouraged. Make as much noise as you like." 

Another nod to indicate yes.

The glove hand drifted across her upper back to be drawn along her other arm. This time when he brought it along the underside he deliberately continued to her underarm. Tickling the flesh to incite the girlish giggles from her again. Spike smiled as she laughed and playfully tried to pull away from him. He released her from the torment to take one finger straight down her spine. Chills and delight flooded her being as her body began to ache for him. 

Spike was gone again. Feet padded across the floor. She wanted to call out to him to come back. But she waited. Her body began to relax the longer he was gone but somehow she knew he was watching her. His eyes burned into her. There was the sound of ice rattling coming from the foot of the bed then the mattress gave way again as he crawled toward her again. 

Smack. Not too hard. Hitting only enough to sting across her hip. Buffy jumped at the impact waiting for pain but was relieved when it wasn't too bad. Kisses cold from ice were applied against the sting. Ice cube slowly melted against the burn, still held in his mouth, sliding across her leg. Then he pulled back and was gone again. 

The restraints were loosened on her ankles freeing her. Spike crawled over her to undo the wrist restraints. She curled her arms against her side trying to relax the muscles taut from the unnatural position they were held in. 

Noting her discomfort Spike massaged her shoulders working out the kinks for her. She sighed in appreciation as the soreness disappeared. Once her muscles relaxed beneath his fingers he rolled her over onto her back. Carefully he tied her restraints again except this time her arms weren't so far apart.

"Better, baby?"

She nodded as she tested the flexibility the new position gave her. It wasn't a lot but she could now wrap her hands around the leather lead that held her down. 

Spike crawled off the bed to retie her ankles to the bedposts. As with her hands he gave her more room to move. He grunted with satisfaction once he was done.  He put the glove back on his hand before he moved back on to the bed. 

Goose bumps dotted her legs in the wake of the spikes slowly being dragged along them, first the right, then left. Back up again, caressing her inner thigh, before stopping just below where her thighs met. She tensed again as the spiked hand cupped her, pushing in just enough for her to feel the tips against her. 

Buffy released her breath when the hand languidly moved up her stomach. Her body was a mass of quivering flesh as he slowly tickled her. Wave upon wave of chills channeled across her stomach, down her thighs then met in a demanding need to be filled at her womanhood. 

One finger circled a breast, scraping across it before drifting to the other side to repeat the gesture across. Spike smiled as Buffy's breathing became labored, her heart beat tangible beneath his hand as was the blood rushing through her veins. Unable to deny himself he leaned over her to kiss her, his tongue rushing into her mouth, exploring, playing with hers before leaving again. He pulled and sucked on her lower lip before releasing her and smirked when she shivered from anticipation. 

Then he was gone again. Footsteps walked around the bed then back again. The music began to play louder, disorienting her as to where he was. A moment, a minute, maybe two, Spike was between her legs, not touching her until his head invaded her space. A tongue separated her folds, licking, forcing her to respond to him. She was so close to release only a moment more and she would fall over when he abruptly stopped. 

Buffy almost wanted to cry from the need pulsing from her core. He was tormenting and teasing her with this and all she wanted was to wrap herself around him until they found release. 

"It's almost over." Spike's voice was like velvet as he came to lie beside her. His ungloved hand reached out to touch her belly, feeling her heat and sweat, before drifting between her legs. His fingers moved over her, between her and in her before letting her go over the edge. She trembled from the force, from waiting so long, then she froze, disbelieving as his fingers moved lower. 

It was nothing that she hadn't done to him a hundred times over the years as her mouth gave him pleasure. Her bottom lip was tugged into her mouth as she willed herself to relax. The moment she relaxed he moved, carefully, cautiously, thrusting into her a few times, just so she got the idea of the rhythm. Then he was gone, off the bed, the door to the bedroom opened and closed, only to repeat a few moments later as he returned.

The darkness was beginning to wear on her, the immobility from the restraints, of being unable to touch him. She had wanted to make love. To feel close to him, not this game, this point he seemed determined to make. 

Spike came to lie tenderly on her propped on his elbows so he could look down at her.

"It's time for the final exam, Buffy. Answer me honestly."

A nod.

"Do you find Max attractive?"

A nod. She couldn't lie; even the smallest lie would hurt them. He kissed her shoulder softly to let her know that it was okay.

"That afternoon, at any point in the offer, were you serious?"

Hesitation but then a small nod. Her heart was speeding up as he felt her anxiety begin to build.

"What would you do if I told you I gave you what you wanted? Sometimes the hands that touched you were his. He was here with us."

Anger, betrayal and hurt raced through Buffy, crashing emotion upon emotion, as she began to struggle against her bonds, trying to buck him off as she felt him stiffen above her. 

She froze.

Then it was just anger at him for what he had done, then freedom from it as she laughed for even thinking for a moment that he was serious. This was her Spike. The one from the first day that they had made love said he would never allow anyone else into their bed. The one that wanted to kill at the thought of anyone else touching her. From sharing Drusilla for so long, he would never stand for it again. He loved her too much, wanted to possess her too much, to ever willingly allow anyone else, much less watch as another gave her pleasure. 

Buffy shook her head no and forgave him because understanding was beginning to dawn on her.  

Spike relaxed above her, kissing her again softly as one hand drifted down her hip.

"Do you want me inside you?"

A nod.

His hips lifted and his hand was between them.

"Do you want me inside you here?" 

A finger was at the entrance to her womanhood.

A nod.

"Or here?'

His hand slipped down to her bottom.

Buffy shook her head no.

Spike settled atop her again coming to lay chest to chest with her.

"If I asked you pretty please, to prove how much you love me, to prove that no man could ever take my place by giving me something that no one has had, would you give it to me?" Spike asked pleadingly, seductively against her ear.

A slow hesitant nod.

His hand moved between them again as he felt her body tense, still not comfortable with her choice. As her head turned away as if her eyes weren't already blinded he was there again with his voice low in her ear.

"Do you really think that I would do it, even with your consent, when I know how uncomfortable you are with it?" 

Buffy contemplated his question for a moment before realizing it wasn't really a question but answers to a lot of questions. The reason he hadn't slept with Donna, the reason he believed her when she said she never would have done anything with Max. If he had just said that he understood and it was forgiven she never would have been sure but now, in this game he had shown that he trusted her to give him honesty, to sacrifice if she felt their love was on the line and most of all that he would never willingly or knowingly hurt her. 

While he waited for her answer Spike began to tense not knowing how she would react but then she smiled and shook her head no. In accepting his trust, she had begun to give him hers again.  Her blindfold was slipped from her, her eyes blinking unaccustomed to the light, even the dimness they were in, seeking him out, the love the so evident in the pools of green. 

As her hands were freed she drew him into the circle of her arms as she told him how much she loved him.

TBC


	25. Memories and Illusions

**Chapter 24 – Memories and Illusions**

_July 10, 2007 7:50 PM_

The black garbed man held Raven against him effortlessly while she struggled to free herself from his grasp. Panic began to take over her senses when she realized that there was no getting away from him and her eyes began to glow brightly from the emotions that flowed through her.

Buffy's voice whispered in her ear, "You're not helpless. Do something."

Raven renewed her efforts to liberate herself from her attacker's grasp but it was useless. In her struggles she was only frustrating herself. The man holding her glanced over at Buffy with a question in his eyes and she nodded her approval for him to release Raven.

"Not yet. Let me try." Mrs. Armstrong of the self-named Sunnydale Chickies piped up before Raven was freed. She hurried over to stand in front of Raven followed by the four other Chickies to form a semi-circle in front of her. "Once you panic, it's all over with, breathe deep Raven."

Raven looked at the older woman in front of her trying to comprehend her words. Following the instructions she breathed deep, letting the air fill her lungs and begin to clear her mind.

"Now, dear, what did your mother say earlier about utilizing what you have free?"

"She's not my mother." 

"Neither here nor there, what do you still have free to use?" Mrs. Armstrong persisted in reaching the girl hell-bent on being headstrong.

"She's right, think." Mrs. Davis chimed in. 

The older women, all in their sixties, had taken to the petite girl that Buffy had brought with her to self-defense class. Of the total five of the Chickies only one hadn't taken Buffy's class before because she had sprained her ankle the last time the class was offered. So, when this class was put on the schedule, all five had signed up so they could go through it together. 

The four that had graduated the last time felt they were now experts in 'self-defense' and were eager to help the girl through the class. Buffy had told them if in the first class they could do something to defend themselves from the attacker then the self-confidence would be there for the rest of the lessons. So, she always had everyone meet the 'attacker' in the first class and would help them find the edge to assert themselves.

Raven began to feel more in control of herself as the oxygen cleared her brain from the panic signals. Her mind started to run through the beginning of the class when Buffy had gone over sensitive areas to attack and different parts of her body that she could use. 

"Pretend it's Buffy if it helps." Mrs. Davis stage whispered to her.

Everyone chuckled including Buffy who was leaning against the wall watching with interest as these women reached her daughter when she couldn't. Raven took a deep breath and brought her foot down on the attacker and then head butted him. When his arms loosened around her she brought her elbow back into his stomach and ran away from him. The class began to cheer her as she laughingly bowed to them. 

"Okay, everybody, that's it for tonight. See you next week," Buffy called out to dismiss everyone for the evening. A fond smile graced her countenance as she looked at Raven now surrounded by chattering Chickies. They were busily asking her questions of where she came from, how she came to live with Buffy and about her unusual eyes. None of them were mean spirited but only inquiries from a group of women who had grown up in Sunnydale and watched as their families moved away. Now all they had were each other.

"Dear, why don't you and Buffy come have coffee and dessert with us?" Mrs. Armstrong asked. "We go after all our classes. It would be fun to have some young people among us for a change."

The other women quickly agreed with her and repeated the request. Buffy had heard the invitation but wanted Raven to decide before she came up with an answer. She continued to stack the mats in the corner of the room while waiting. It didn't take long for Raven to call out if they could go or not. 

Since coming to live with them, Raven had only spent time with them and the rest of the family. The isolation from other people was beginning to wear on the girl and she was becoming more petulant by the day. Thankfully, for all of them school would be starting in a little over a month and she would be in the company of people her own age. But remembering Dawn in high school, Buffy wasn't completely sure if this was a good thing or not. 

After throwing the last mat on the top Buffy made her way over to the group. 

"Sure, I don't see why not," Buffy answered smiling at Raven and the women. "Let me call Spike and tell him that we are going to be late." 

She walked away from them to retrieve her cell phone from her purse. As she dialed the number the women began to gather their belongings in anticipation of leaving. Buffy let the phone ring about ten times but Spike never picked up the phone. Shrugging she made a mental note to try again in a few minutes figuring that Spike was probably giving Elijah his bath or something.

~~~~~~~~~

_July 10, 2007__ _8:15 PM____

There was someone knocking on the door at the same time as the phone was ringing. Elijah locked eyes with his Daddy as he watched him wage which was more important. Then deciding there was always call waiting Spike headed for the door with Elijah on his heels. He glanced briefly out the small window in the center and only saw a pretty brunette standing there. Gesturing for Elijah to stand behind the door he carefully opened the door a fraction. 

"Hey, is Buffy home? Angel sent me." The woman greeted him with a wide grin. 

"Yeah, so you say. Why don't you just stay there while I give him a call?" Spike slowly looked the scantily clad woman over as he shut the door in her face. There was no way he was letting a stranger, not even a woman, into his home not with the Soldiers out there. And if Angel did send her, he was going to give him an earful for not calling first. It would be just like him to do something to cause trouble between Buffy and him just for a laugh.

~~~~~~~~~

_July 10, 2007__ _8:35 PM____

Raven was sandwiched between Mrs. Armstrong and Mrs. Davis at the table while Buffy sat across from them with the other women. They had just placed orders for various desserts and coffee with the waitress. Once again Raven found herself at the center of attention as the women continued their questions with her.

"Are you looking forward to going to school here?" Miss Penelope inquired.

Raven shrugged her shoulders before she answered, "I don't know. I miss my friends back home. But high school would have been different because there would be new people so maybe it won't be too bad."

"You'll do fine, dear. This town isn't that big so you'll know everybody pretty quickly. And has your mother let you go to the Bronze yet?" Miss Penelope tried to reassure Raven.

"She's not…"

"Now, now, Raven, she will never be your birth mother but Buffy is acting like your real mother. A mother is someone who loves you, and takes care of you, and protects you. Buffy does all that, doesn't she?" Mrs. Armstrong corrected the teen while ignoring the face she was making.

"Yeah, I guess so. It doesn't mean I am going to call her Mummy or anything." 

"I've already said that it's all right if you don't. " Buffy told her sternly trying to send her the message not to be impolite.

"I'm sorry." Raven smiled at Mrs. Armstrong while she apologized. "It's just everything is hard to adjust to here."

"That's all right, dear. It must be hard to have everything taken away but your lucky to have people like Buffy and Spike to take you and your brother in. They are such polite people to live near." Mrs. Armstrong turned to look at Buffy, "Is everything all right with your mister? He never is out like all the other men on the weekend doing the yard work and stuff. I know it's probably none of my business, especially after all these years."

"That's okay. He's like allergic to the sun so it makes it hard on him sometimes." 

"I bet it does, especially now with the children. He is extremely good looking." Mrs. Davis tittered. 

The others joined in her giggle agreeing with her as Buffy blushed.  

"Thank you," Buffy said.

"What's the Bronze?" Raven asked.

"It's an all age's club in town." Buffy explained but then dashed her excitement, "You're still too young to go but I'll talk to Spike about it."

Raven knowing she wasn't going to get anywhere else at the moment let the conversation go for a later time. 

~~~~~~~~~

_July 10, 2007__ _9:45 PM____

Spike glanced worriedly at the clock wondering where Buffy was then glanced back at the brunette in front of him.  He kept trying to force himself to maintain eye contact with her but his eyes every so often would scurry down to look at her breasts. When he realized that he was staring at them again, he would give himself a mental knock to the head, and look back into her amused eyes.  She knew exactly what she was doing as she bent over on the counter to give him a better look at what her blouse and bra intended to be obvious.  The twin creamy globes were amply pushed up making Spike wonder if the material was a fraction lower if her nipples would show.  Without realizing it his tongue licked his lower lip before he heard her laugh outright at him. 

"Buffy, should be home any minute," Spike stammered in an effort to reassure himself that he wouldn't be alone much longer with this woman that Angel had sent to help them. 

"Yeah, you said that over an hour ago," She said straightening up again. Slowly she stretched her body like a cat waking from a nap in the sun. 

Closing his eyes to avoid the temptation he kept wishing Buffy would walk through the door and save him. It wasn't that he wanted her or was really attracted to the brunette; he was just looking at what was displayed before him like any man would. At least that was what he kept telling himself as the guilt nibbled at him. He shouldn't even look at another woman. Buffy wasn't going to understand at all. After the Donna incident she trusted him with another woman about as far as she, well not her, as far as Dawn could throw him.  Reluctantly opening his eyes again he found himself staring at the one thing he was trying to avoid. A sigh rushed through as he realized he was fighting a losing battle. 

"You Bastard! What the hell is going on?" Buffy shouted as she threw her gym bag at him. This was totally unbelievable. She walked in to her kitchen and found her husband staring at some sleazy dressed woman's breasts. 

Spike rolled his eyes as he easily deflected the gym bag.  This was not going to go well at all. 

"Hey, B." Faith turned to smile at Buffy. Her eyes opened in interest as she looked at Raven. Spike had told her all about the kids and the marriage and the house as he had tried to resist her teasing. 

Raven returned the perusal straightening up to her full height as she took an instant dislike to the woman. She was causing trouble and that was one thing this family didn't need was more trouble.  Since the house had been vandalized, family time had been more of a priority and although things weren't perfect, Raven and Elijah were beginning to feel like this was now home.  Raven kept telling herself that it was mostly for Elijah so she wouldn't allow her protective shields down.

"Get out of my house now," Buffy snarled at her old enemy disbelieving that she had the nerve to be here after everything. 

"Baby, Angel sent her to help. I talked to him about it," Spike explained cautiously as Buffy turned her glare on him. 

"Like I believe that. She is here to cause trouble."

"It's true. I've been down in LA helping out since I got out and Angel said that you all might use help more than them. So, here I am," Faith explained shrugging her shoulders. 

"I want you out of here. We don't need your help." 

"Maybe it would be good to have someone else around to help with the patrolling and stuff." Spike tried to defend having Faith around.

"Stuff? What kind of stuff do you have in mind? Don't answer because I already have an idea." 

Both Faith and Spike looked away from her convincing Buffy of their guilt. Turning on her heel Buffy headed into the living room so she could get her weapons to go patrolling. Spike followed her while he tried to figure out a way to calm her down.

"What are you doing?" Spike asked nervously. "Buffy, come on, talk to me. Trust me a little."

Buffy straightened slowly making Spike take a step back away from her. She was too angry and upset to be rational right now and with weapons in her hand it was just the safer thing to do. Not that he honestly thought she would do anything but accidents did happen. 

"Trust you? Why should I? I come home and find you ogling her, of all people." Buffy's voice trembled as she fought the tears. There was no way that she was going to cry now. Not in front of him and certainly not in front of her.

"I wasn't ogling her. It wasn't like that. Trust me, please." Spike pleaded while his hand brushed her hair away from her face. 

"I'm sorry but I can't trust you with her. Not with her," Buffy's eyes filled with tears as the hurt wove through her. "I'm going patrolling. Make sure she's gone when I come back."

Buffy turned away from him and without looking at anyone walked out the back door. Raven stared at Buffy retreating then up at Spike and finally her gaze came to rest on Faith with malice. Things were off balance in the house again and it was this woman's fault and Spike's.

"I hate you." Raven said to Spike as she ran past him on her way to her room.

"Just bloody great." Spike muttered looking first at Raven running away and turned to look toward the kitchen where Buffy had left by. Which one did he go and take care of first? "Women." 

"Not handling them very well tonight, are you?" Faith observed as she leaned against the door between the kitchen and the living room.  

"This is your fault. And Angel's. Are you enjoying this? Buffy's told me about you. Was this some scheme cooked up between you two to give us trouble?" Spike questioned her scornfully. When Angel had reassured him that it was going to be all right for Faith to be there, he should never have listened. Faith should have been half way back to Los Angeles by now. 

"No, I am not enjoying this. And no, it's not a scheme. Look, I just wanted to help." Faith shrugged. "Angel said things were overwhelming here and thought an extra Slayer would come in handy." 

Spike nodded and sighed knowing in a way she was right. Then looking right to left he tried to decide which one he was going to go to first. He froze with an "I'm dead" look in his eyes as Faith sauntered up to him with a grin.  Her hands came out toward him and he started to take a step back when she patted him on each shoulder.

"First a word of advice, don't ever defend me to Buffy because you'll lose. Besides I can take care of myself. So, why don't you go take care of your daughter and I'll go talk to B. See if we can work this out." 

After a moment of trying to decide what was best Spike finally relented to Faith's plan. The two turned in different directions to see if they could calm the females of Spike's house down.

~~~~~~~~~

_July 10, 2007__ _10:30 PM__

Raven was sitting on her bed with her disc man attached to her head. Her arms wrapped around her knees as her head bobbed to the music. Spike approached her cautiously. This was the first time that the girl had shown any anger toward him. Their relationship so far had been one of easy companionship. She steadfastly ignored him as he approached even up to the point when he sat on the side of her bed. 

Spike reached out and plucked the headphones off of her head so that he could talk to her.

"Hey. Give those back." Raven reached out to grab them back but Spike laid it on the bed behind him.

"We need to talk."

With eyes rolling Raven sighed loudly as she crossed her arms in front of her.

"There's nothing to talk about." She muttered as she looked away from him.

"You said you hated me and I want to know why because I love you, Raven." 

"No, you don't. Both of you say it but you don't mean it." 

If looks could kill Spike would be dead as she turned to look back at him. How could he say it? How could she say it? The only thing they cared about was each other. Sometimes this family thing seemed to be only a game to be put away when they were tired of playing. Yeah, they took care of them and protected them but the two of them had no clue what was going on inside her or Elijah.

"Of course we mean it. We wouldn't say it if we didn't."

"Then why? Why do you do it? All the two of you do is fight or fuck." Raven spit the words out as she moved off the bed so she could stand away from him. Her words were an exaggeration but those were the two things that caused problems around here. Like the night Max had left. They didn't know that she had been awake when she had heard the dishes crash to the floor. And after Buffy had checked on her and thought she was asleep she had watched as Max drove away from her window. One more person was gone from their lives because of violence and she was feeling as unstable as Elijah.  "Every time you all get into each other or start fighting it doesn't matter if Elijah and I are around. It's scary. We never know if you are all are going to break up or stay together. Or if we are even going to have a home the next day."

Spike was stunned by her words never realizing that they were so aware of what was going on between Buffy and him. They had tried not to fight around the two but sometimes like tonight it just happened. As for the other they had restricted their sex life solely to the bedroom since they had been here.

"I'm sorry but I didn't know that you were worried about us breaking up." Spike told her trying to ignore the remarks about sex for now. "Buffy and I aren't going to. We've had some problems but we're working them out." 

"I'm not worried. I could care less. It's Eli I'm worried about. And I don't know what the hell you all do in there. First of all these walls aren't exactly thick and the two of you make a lot of noise. Besides that Eli can pick up on things and he is always asking me if you are hurting Buffy. It's freaking him out." Raven shouted things that she had previously decided not to tell them. Even if she wouldn't admit it she was afraid that if they knew how she felt and what Eli was picking up on then Spike and Buffy would decide not to keep them. Because they weren't their 'real' children only substitutes for what they couldn't have.

"Why didn't you come talk to us before?" Spike had his hands on his hips as he looked everywhere but at her. The news that their bedroom antics were being heard was a bit embarrassing to him as it would to Buffy when she found out. It was also disconcerting that the children didn't feel secure with them. Not knowing what else to do he approached her. His hand lifted her chin to look down into her eyes. "I didn't know."

"You two are the adults. You should know these things."

"You're right we should. We've never really been parents before." Spike said in apology. It was true they had never been parents before except when Buffy had tried to raise Dawn and failed but that was due to unusual circumstances. It had nothing to do with her heart or ability. He rubbed his hands over his face unsure of what to do or say. Finally he raised his head to look at the teen in front of him and decided that the truth was all he could offer. "I'm sorry, Princess, for upsetting or hurting you or Elijah. I would never do it intentionally and neither would Buffy. We are in this together, all of us, and we'll find a way. But we do love you, both of you and this is your home. Don't worry about that."

She nodded as tears finally started to fall. His words sounded real and she wanted to believe him so much. When he pulled her against him she held on to him like everything in her world depended on this vampire that wanted to be her father. 

~~~~~~~~~

_July 10, 2007__ _10:40 PM____

Faith hurried through the cemetery toward the sound of fighting. She was just rounding a corner of a mausoleum when she saw Buffy thrown easily through the air. The demon hurried to stand over his fallen prey while holding a sword poised over a dazed Buffy. Running toward the pair she halted just in time to kick the demon away from Buffy.  It felt good to be back in the fight as she grappled with the demon eventually taking the sword from him and with a turn she swung the sword decapitating him. 

Smiling Faith turned back to Buffy who was slowly making her way to her feet.

"You okay?"

"Just dizzy. Need to sit for a minute." Buffy replied while slowly rubbing her temple with one hand. Stumbling she made her way to a tombstone to take a seat on it.

"You pregnant?" 

Buffy shook her head slowly as she tried to focus on what was going on around her. This wasn't the first time in the last couple of weeks that this had happened. Mostly it was late at night while she was patrolling or trying to finish the chores around the house.

"You sure? Cause you look kind of green around the gills." 

"Thanks. No, I'm not pregnant. It's that time now." Buffy looked up at Faith standing in front of her then gave a small laugh, "it's not something I have to worry about. We can't get pregnant. We tried and it didn't work." 

"Sounds like a bad break. So, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." 

Buffy stood and started to walk away from her. Faith trotted along side of her as Buffy picked up speed in an effort to get away from her.

"Slow down. I don't relish the idea of carrying you back to the house cause you fainted." Faith told her as Buffy started to slow down again.

"What are you doing here?"

"To help. Honestly, that's why. Look, I know things have never been good between us. But I had a lot of time to think in prison and I want to try to make some things right." 

Buffy nodded as her eyes roamed the cemetery around her. The tiredness in her body wanted to believe that Faith was only here to be the help she needed. Spike had actually spoken to Angel about it which was a big deal in its self. So, maybe if everyone around her was saying it was okay maybe she needed to let go and trust their judgment. Finally she decided to give in. At least she knew the worst that the brunette could do so she would be able to watch her. And unfortunately the best way to watch her was to keep her in the house. 

"Maybe it would be good to have someone else around to help with the slaying. Things have been hectic since the children got here and the house being vandalized. And there are still the everyday things that still have to be handled." Buffy threw her hands wide as the things that needed to be done weighed down on her. It never seemed to end. 

"Isn't Spike helping out?"

"Yeah, but I feel like I need to take care of a lot things myself. Being a vampire all this family stuff is strange for him. I don't want to overwhelm him."

"He's a big boy, B, if you need help then you need to ask."

Buffy shook her head. Spike had told her if they were a family then most of it would be up to her to take care of them. If she asked for too much help he might bolt again. It was best that she just kept him happy and do what she could.

"Come on, let's go back to the house and get you set up." Buffy changed the subject before she ended up telling Faith things that were definitely better left unsaid.

"You're letting me stay? I'm surprised."

"Do the slaying. Stay away from Spike. Cause any trouble and you're gone. Understand?" 

"No problem."

It didn't take them long to move Faith into the dining room. The room was still empty of furniture since the attack so there wasn't anything to move out. The couch in Spike's study that had a pull out bed was moved into the room so Faith would have a place to sleep. A dresser that had survived was brought up from the basement. 

After that was done Buffy gave her a tour of the house. First Buffy showed her the bathroom downstairs telling her that it was hers to utilize, showed her the kitchen that she had already seen but let her know that she could help herself to whatever food that she wanted. They moved upstairs where Buffy showed Faith which rooms were the children's and which one belonged to her and Spike. As they headed back down the hall Buffy pointed out the staircase that led to the attic.

"You can meet Clem tomorrow. He lives here now." Buffy briefly explained that Clem was a demon but was a member of the family. Faith nodded her head feeling a little overwhelmed by everything and followed Buffy into the upstairs bathroom. "This is the big bathroom. Feel free to use the tub if you like to take baths. It's a lot nicer than the one downstairs."

Faith ran her eyes longingly over the claw foot tub and all the bath stuff that Buffy and Raven had accumulated in their quest for the perfect bath session. In prison it had only been communal showers and since being out Faith hadn't really had a chance to indulge in bubble baths. This was luxury in its highest form that was displayed so temptingly in front of her. 

Apparently her wish was going to be granted as Buffy noticed the look on her face and understood completely.

"Why don't you go ahead and take one now? It's a long trip from LA." Buffy moved to leave the bathroom then turned back to the brunette. "Thanks for helping me back there."

"No problem. Hey, I'm sorry about before." Faith shrugged her shoulders and looked away from Buffy. There she had finally apologized to Buffy about all the things from their past. As apologies went it wasn't the greatest but from her it was a big deal. She only hoped that Buffy wouldn't be a bitch about it. 

"I forgave you a long time ago." Buffy said with a slight smile then she turned to leave the other Slayer alone. It was true. In the last hour or so as she had settled Faith into the household and they had talked, Buffy realized that she had let go of the past. Somewhere along the line it had become just another bad time that she had dealt with and gotten through. 

~~~~~~~~

_July 11, 2007__ _12:23 AM__

Their room was dark as Buffy came in. Spike shifted onto his side under the covers as she headed for the closet to get undressed. After she quickly disrobed Buffy carefully slipped into bed coming to curl against the coolness of Spike's body. Instinctively in his sleep he wrapped his arm around her with a sigh born from finally being complete with her there. For awhile she lay quietly beside him but everything that had happened that night kept replaying in her mind and restlessly she moved away from Spike. 

"You okay, Pet?" His words were drowsy with sleep as he moved closer to her as if he needed her to be a part of him. That he couldn't sleep well or completely without them touching.

"About as right as rain," Buffy told him as she shifted back against him again. It wasn't right though. Too much, too soon, too fast, too overwhelming and her heart was full. 

"What happened with Faith?" His hand stroked her arm as his lips nuzzled her below the ear. 

"She is now going to being staying in our dining room. Your study is minus a couch though." 

"That's all right," Spike whispered as he ground himself against her bottom. "Are you okay with it? With me?" 

"Touch her, look at her again and you're dust." Buffy turned to look back at him so that he would know she wasn't kidding. 

His hand took advantage of her leaning back and pulled at her until she was on her back. 

"Mmm," he murmured as he took advantage of her new position with both hands and lips. "Why would I when I have you?" 

Buffy pushed at his chest until he backed away from her, "I'm serious, Spike."

"So, am I. I promised and I meant it." He waited until she nodded before resuming his previous mission of seduction then remembered his conversation with Raven and with a sigh halted again. Pulling away from her, Spike propped himself up on one elbow so he could look down at her. "Raven was upset about what happened. She kept playing it off as Elijah but it's her too."

"Is she okay?'

"Yeah, but the fighting between us is making them insecure. I guess their parents didn't fight a lot. I don't know."

Buffy laughed, "For us, we've been hardly fighting at all since they got here." 

"That's not all. They've been hearing us at night. And Elijah is still thinking I've been hurting you." Spike said as he flopped onto his back. "I guess we need to be making some changes."

"I guess so. Like you not making it your goal to make me scream."

"But Buffy it's no fun unless you're screaming my name." He practically purred as he rolled over on top of her. His lips returned to nuzzle her neck. 

"Ego trip." Buffy managed to eke out before she surrendered to him. "Yeah, we need to make some changes."

And as Spike made love to her Buffy added the problem with the children to her list of things that needed to be taken care of.

TBC


	26. Leather and Velvet Thighs

**Chapter 25 – Leather and Velvet Thighs **

_July 21, 2007_7:30 AM____

The rich smell of coffee hung over the kitchen while the occupants waited in the first quiet moments of early morning. Clem and Spike leaned against the counter both sipping their demon beverage of choice while Raven and Faith sipped coffee at the table. Elijah busied himself drinking a glass of juice.

"When is Mummy making breakfast?" The boy asked the adults that surrounded him.

"She'll be down soon, I hope," Raven answered.

"Whoa, is that why no one is getting breakfast? Everybody is waiting on Buffy to make it?" Faith asked in disbelief as she looked at the others.

"Mummy always cooks," Elijah said.

"And does Mummy also cook lunch and dinner, too?" Faith turned to the only one of the household that didn't look sheepish and seemed willing to tell the truth.

"Not lunch. We have sandwiches and stuff. She cooks hotdogs sometimes."  

Turning, Faith pinned Spike to the counter with her gaze. "So, that's what's wrong with Buffy." 

"What do you mean 'What's wrong with Buffy'? She's fine." Spike defended himself while straightening up some.

"Last night she had a dizzy spell and some demon almost…got the upper hand," Faith corrected herself not wanting to say anything in front of the boy about Buffy almost being demon sacrifice. She noted with satisfaction the concerned look in Spike's eyes. Maybe there was hope for him yet. "Tell me, Spike, if Buffy does all the cooking, who does the cleaning and the shopping and the laundry and takes care of the kids?"

"We have chores." Raven offered even though she knew herself that it wasn't really a lot that she had to do.

"And I help with the kids." Clem said.

"Okay, who is doing most of the household stuff and the patrolling and keeping the man of the house happy?" Faith continued to look at Spike remembering Buffy's words from last night. It seemed Angel was right. She was definitely needed here. Buffy was being overloaded and no one seemed willing to help her out. Or maybe Buffy wasn't asking for the help she needed.  "Did Buffy keep you happy last night?"

"Well, yeah, she is my wife." Spike stood even straighter.

"Let's say she got to sleep when, two, closer to three," Faith amended her time when Spike looked away, "and its 7:30 now. She's had four and a half hours sleep and this room is full of able bodied people waiting for her to drag herself from bed to serve us like she's a maid or something."

"Did we do something wrong?" Elijah asked while the tears filled his eyes. Mummy hadn't been feeling well lately and everybody kept telling him she was okay but this new lady was saying she wasn't and that it was their fault.

Spike rushed to pick Elijah up so he could hug him close. The conversation with Raven last night was still fresh in his mind and he didn't want Eli to think he had done something wrong.

"You didn't do anything wrong, okay? Daddy needs to talk to Mummy and find out what's going on. Then it will be all right." 

At that moment Buffy hurried into the kitchen while still pulling her hair into a haphazard ponytail. "Sorry, everybody, I overslept. Give me just a minute and I'll get breakfast going." She reached into the cabinet to grab a mug for coffee when she realized that everyone was staring at her. Slowly she turned to look at all of them. "What's up?" A nervous laugh escaped her as she looked at each of them in turn. "Did something happen? Is everybody okay? Did we get attacked again?" 

"No, Baby," Spike walked over to pull her against him. Elijah wrapped his arm around her and she took him against her. "I have an idea. Why don't we have Faith and Clem take the kids through the drive thru at McDonalds for breakfast? They can bring back something for everybody."

"It's okay. I just overslept." Buffy protested. "I'll have something going in just a minute."

"It's not that. I would like to talk to you for a few minutes alone."

"Something did happen. Is it Dawn? Just tell me." 

"Nothing's wrong, Buffy. I just want to talk."

"Are you going to fight?" Elijah asked.

"No, they aren't going to fight. Come on, kid, let's go get some grub. I'm hungry." Faith reached for Elijah and when his parents didn't protest allowed himself to be taken. 

Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out some money which he handed to Clem. "Get what everybody wants. And take care of things." Spike told him with a clear unspoken message to watch out for Faith and protect the children. Raven reluctantly followed the others out still not liking this Faith woman. She gave Buffy and Spike one last pondering look before she closed the door behind her.

"What's going on, Spike?" 

"Faith said you got dizzy last night."

"Yeah, it was nothing though. Not worth making a big deal over." 

Buffy turned to fill her coffee cup so Spike wouldn't see her cover up the guilt in her eyes.

"She also says you're exhausted."

"She's here one night and you're taking advice from her. Must have had a real cozy chat before I got home. You two best friends now or something?" Buffy laughed as she turned to walk over to the table.

"How many other times have you been dizzy?" Spike asked as he leaned back against the counter.

"Just a couple times. It's not a big deal."

"She said that a demon almost got the best of you." 

"Well, since Faith seems to have all the answers and I am some sort of fading excuse for a Slayer, why don't you continue this conversation with her?" 

Buffy stood and headed for the kitchen door. This was not a conversation that she wanted to continue. Anger at Faith for butting in was building in her and at Spike for not dropping it. 

"Why are you lying?" Spike followed her down the hallway as she ignored him. "Do you need help around the house and with the kids?" 

His question was too direct and she faltered on her way upstairs. Then mustering her resolve she started to run up the stairs but he was right behind her.

"Do you? Why won't you answer me, Buffy? Is she right? Are you exhausted?"

It was too much. He was finally asking the right questions but she was too afraid to give him the right answers. 

"I'm fine." Buffy threw over her shoulder as she marched into their bedroom.

Spike took her coffee cup and placed it on the dresser top. His hands came out to cradle her face as she fought back the tears that threatened. 

"Buffy, why didn't you tell me?" He gave a short laugh because he had asked his daughter the same question the night before. Either they were determined to handle everything themselves or he was completely clueless. And not to his credit it was probably the latter.

"It's not something you want to hear." Buffy pulled away from him and began to make the bed up.

"What don't I want to know?" Spike was determined to keep asking questions until she was honest with him. As he waited he stepped to the other side of the bed and began to help her.

"Drop it, Spike."

"No, I am not going to drop it. Something is wrong with you. A stranger can see it and for some reason I can't."

"You don't see it because you don't want to." 

Her answer was too honest and it stabbed through his heart with a quickness born of knowing that he had done something to hurt her. 

"I want to now." His voice was low and pleading for her to explain. 

"Look, you told me before that if we had a family then it would be mostly my responsibility. I'm handling it. Don't worry about it."

"Yeah, you're handling it so well that you are going to get yourself killed because you are so tired. Quit being a martyr." 

"How dare you? I am not being a martyr. I'm trying to keep this house going and everybody taken care of, including you. I'm doing the best I can and if it's not good enough then go ahead and leave." Buffy shouted in frustration. It wasn't fair that he seemed to always misunderstand everything she said or did.

"Leave? I'm not leaving,"  Spike shouted back before seeing the hurt in Buffy's eyes and he instead dropped his voice to a more normal tone. "Do you think I am going to leave you because you asked for help scrubbing the bathrooms or something?"

"Would you? I don't know what you are going to do half the time anymore. How you are going to react? Is he going to be mad or close himself off or what?" She looked at him in confusion as she realized that he was almost a stranger to her. It was still her Spike and in the good times it was great but part of the time she was afraid to let him know how she really felt. "I'm afraid, Spike. I'm afraid that if I burden you too much you'll run. That you're demon or whatever is going to demand its freedom again and you'll leave me. I'm just trying to make you happy. I'll handle it. Don't worry about me." 

Buffy closed her eyes as she fought a losing battle against the fatigue and the emotions she had been hiding for too long. The things she had needed to deal with and chosen not to. To be honest it wasn't all Spikes' fault. Sometimes he was an excuse so she wouldn't have to examine things too deeply or too long. Sara had been coaxing her to let go and fall apart if she needed to in order to feel better instead of the dry monologues she was receiving from Buffy during their sessions.

Spike felt like he had been beaten for the pain that coursed through him. She had been so strong and he had thought things were all right. This year had been really hard on both of them taking its toll emotionally and physically. Buffy had been so together lately, handling everything, taking care of everyone that he had allowed himself to dwell on his own emotional problems. His own insecurities and all the while Buffy had needed him more than she had said. Her strength was still there in her determination to take care of things but one person could only do so much and she had reached her limit. With a sardonic self awareness he realized that Angel had been right. He was selfish. It seemed that their lives had become wrapped around him and his needs instead of the needs of everyone it seemed.

He had become focused on all the things that he couldn't do, impregnate her, play with Elijah in the sun, and protect them from humans that he had forgotten all the things that he could do for them and for her. His insecurities of never being good enough, had taken the best of him away, leaving him feeling alone and distant and defensive.  Buffy had never left his heart but for awhile he thought that he could never be enough for her. In his effort to make himself feel adequate had looked at another woman, a woman who wouldn't demand as much from him, who wouldn't force him closer to the light. The darkness had called to him saying it was the only place that he had succeeded. Evil was something that he had done well and in the kill and the pain he had felt himself worthy enough to exist. 

It was only when this tiny woman had invaded his world that he had been forced to lose the charade. In her arms and in her heart there was always the push for more.  He saw her efforts, her steps to join him in the darkness and it tore at his soul. Buffy could never live in the shadows of the night no matter what she thought. Her world was the daytime, the light and she deserved more than he could ever give her. But he vowed to himself that he would give her everything that he had. Anything not to lose her, or make her feel unloved again, to never feel as he did. No matter how much it would tear him in two inside.

"What else, Buffy?"

Her eyes flew open as she looked at him in surprise. There had been no defense, no shutting down, no display of temper. Nothing but a simple question. 

"What do you mean?"

Spike crawled across their bed and drew her down to sit in front of him. 

"I'm sorry, Love. I know it's a lousy excuse but I didn't see."

"It's funny, you know. When we first got together you saw everything. You knew my every thought before I even did. You did most of the housework, and took care of me." She closed her eyes when she realized what she was saying, "I'm sorry I wasn't trying to accuse."

"No, you're right." He drew a deep breath just to delay his next words; words that were such naked truth that it hurt to think them much less say them. "But I didn't take you for granted back then."  His arms pulled Buffy to him, settling her against his chest as he stroked her hair.  "I love you."

His gentleness and humility was disarming her and the tears began to fall in earnest. All the grief she had been holding inside finally broke free from the dam that had held them in place. His arms tightened around her. "Tell me what's hurting you so bad, Baby. I want to be here for you. I want to try."

Buffy wrapped her arms around him as she got as close to the protection of his body as she could. This was the Spike she had fallen in love with. The one who had been the one to bring her out of her hell and she found herself opening up to him. Slowly, between the tears she told him of the grief she still carried for the baby they never had, her fears of being a parent after she had loused up with Dawn, her anger at him for Donna, her insecurities and fears of not being enough for him. She told him that she hated being married at the courthouse and not the wedding that she wanted for them. She told him of her fears about what the Soldiers would do next and the pain that she had felt at seeing their home destroyed. 

And he listened to every word with an open heart and the determination to make things right for her. To start being a true partner to her instead of the needy man he had become. His anger at himself for this wasn't one of self pity but open assessment that he needed to change again for her. The hardest change had been those first years when he became one of the good guys. Now it was time to change to be the kind of man that she would be proud to call husband and their children call father. It had been his decision to stay because that was what he wanted now he needed to follow through on it.

After a while Buffy just huddled against him as the last of the tears drained from her. He shifted so he could lay her on the bed, wrapping her in the comforter, and he held her until she fell into an exhausted sleep.  With a gentle kiss on her forehead he left her to her much needed rest.

~~~~~~~~

_July 21, 2007_7:33 PM____

Buffy carefully finished applying Ruby Desire lipstick before turning to look back at Spike. He was lounging on the bed watching her get ready for their date. This whole day had been like a dream and she wanted to pinch herself to see if it was real or not. After their talk this morning she had slept until almost 4:00 this afternoon. It had felt wonderful to wake up feeling refreshed instead of forcing herself from the bed. When she had crawled out of bed to answer the demands of her body she had been surprised to find the house scrubbed clean, the laundry running and the grocery shopping done. 

Spike and Faith were putting together dinner for everyone, broiling steaks, potatoes baking in the microwave and Raven was assembling a salad. Clem had been in the living room watching 'The Fox and the Hound' movie with Elijah. It had felt good as they insisted she not do anything. Then Spike had really surprised her by telling he was going to take her to a play that she had wanted to see but after considering the offer she had turned it down. She hadn't really wanted to sit quietly for a long period and asked if he minded if they just went out and hung out at the Edge like they used to. 

And just a little while ago she and Spike had gotten out of the bathtub to get dressed for their evening. Spike had thrown on some faded and ripped jeans, a black t-shirt and the duster was waiting on the end of the bed. Buffy had dug through the back of the closet and pulled out some old clothes from her days of being a waitress, a black leather mini skirt and a lacy black button down shirt. At Spike's request her old lace up boots were added to her ensemble. Now, her hair was teased into riotous curls and her make up applied. Excitement danced in her stomach at going out and just having some fun with Spike. It seemed like forever since they had gone on a 'date' and it was something they definitely needed.

"Have you been smoking my cigarettes?" Spike asked as he lit one.

"No, why?"

"There's always seems to be less than what I thought I had." He shrugged as he threw the pack and his lighter on the nightstand. As Buffy reached for the skirt to slip on he told her, "The boots first, Pet."

Arching an eyebrow at him she reached for one the boots and came to sit on the bed between his feet. "Just want to keep me in my underwear as long as possible, huh?" It was a light hearted comment as she began to lace the boot up. Spike came to sit up so he could slip the other one on her then began to lace it.

"Actually, I would prefer you naked but if I can't have that then red lace is an acceptable alternative."

"So, can I have you in red lace?" Buffy teased.

"Anything you want as long as you have me."

Then ignoring her protests of ruining her makeup he pulled her close for a kiss. It took them quite a while before they pulled themselves apart still unsatisfied but in heightened awareness of the other. After she had finished dressing and reapplying some makeup they made their way downstairs with the duster around Buffy.

"Woohoo, look at that. The little married couple playing at being single." Faith joked as they made their way downstairs. The others stood next to her ready to wish them a good time. As soon as they reached the hallway Faith pulled Buffy into the dining room. "Let me see, girl." Her hands reached for the buttons on the duster. 

Buffy laughed and opened it for her. 

"Very bad, Buffy. You have lightened up from the old days. Have a good time. Clem and I will handle everything." Faith reassured her then she leaned over and whispered, "And I think Dawn and her husband are coming over to help make sure I don't go psycho or something."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's cool. Really. I understand the suspicion. Seriously, go have a good time."

Turning Buffy started out for the hallway when she turned quickly and spontaneously hugged Faith. When she was finished Spike dragged her out the front door and she missed the look of appreciation from their new helper.

~~~~~~~~

_July 21, 2007_8:55 PM____

The Edge of Paradise was crowded and the smell of liquor and smoke filled the air. Spike's hand rested on Buffy's lower back as he escorted her toward the bar. When a pair of large demons brushed against her, she stepped closer to her husband. 

"You okay, Pet?"

"Fine." 

With a smile she looked up at him letting the feeling of being pampered and loved wash over her. It had been a long time since she had felt this way and she was going to enjoy it. In her heart Buffy knew that Spike loved her that he had always loved her and would continue to do so. It was just that she hadn't felt it this strong in a long time. Today he had made an abrupt about face and was coming at her full steam. She just hoped that he wouldn't take another turn away from her.

"Hey, you two. Good to see ya back." Arnie greeted them glad that the two were back together.  After Spike had been alone in here drinking and looking like he had been cast into hell he had been worried that these two wouldn't make it.

Buffy smiled and put her left hand down on the bar, moving it so the diamonds in her wedding band sparkled in the neon lights from the bar.

"Holy shit," Arnie exclaimed holding her hand and checking out the ring. "It's about time, you damn vampire. Made in honest woman of her. Guess this means you ain't ever coming back to work," he added with a frown. Buffy had been one of his better waitresses and had been sorry when she had quit.

"Guess not." Buffy said. 

"Mitzi, get your ass over here. Spike and Buffy got married." Arnie called out to one of the waitresses that had been Buffy's close friend while she had worked here.

There was a shriek from the woman as she came running over to the pair. Buffy was quickly engulfed in a hug from her friend. They swayed back and forth as they squealed and laughed. 

"Congratulations. Oh my God, all this time and you got hitched." Mitzi reached out to grab Buffy's hand so she could take her turn looking at the ring. "Well, gee, I guess I'll never be able to steal him away from you now." Her eyes sparkling she turned to look at Spike who was standing there with a goofy look of pride. It had never been a secret that Mitzi had always had a thing for the blonde vampire even after she had found out what he was. 

"Well, you could always give the groom a kiss for luck," Spike joked as he enveloped Mitzi in a hug. Then laughed as Mitzi did just that. To play along Spike pulled her close and kissed her back while Buffy laughed at their antics. 

"Me next." Barbara one of the new waitresses they had gotten to know over the years came to join in the celebration. When Mitzi stepped away she took her turn to congratulate the new groom. Before it was over the other four waitresses working the floor had smothered Spike in kisses and hugs. He was completely flustered by the time he had been released and made his way back to Buffy. 

It had all been in fun but suddenly wondered if Buffy was okay with it as she watched him approach. Once he was close enough Buffy pulled on his belt until he was standing between her knees. Her hand holding a napkin came to wipe the lipstick off his cheek and the corner of his mouth. When she had finished inspecting his face to make sure it was clean she pulled him down to her. Their mouths met in a kiss that had Arnie and the girls clapping from the passion they showed.

"Champagne is on the house," Arnie declared placing a bottle and flutes on the bar. "Have fun you two. Anything you want it's on me tonight." With that he turned to shoo the girls back to work and to check on some customers at the bar. 

Spike sat on the stool next to Buffy as he watched her pour glasses of the wine for them. When she was done she picked up a glass and handed it to him.

"To us." 

Their glasses clinked before they took sips. 

"Thanks for taking me out." Buffy said. 

"My pleasure, Love. Would you like to go get a table out of the way?" Spike nodded his head toward the corner where a few tables weren't in the traffic flow.

Buffy quickly nodded her head as Spike took her hand and led the way to a small table in the corner. He was enjoying the expressions on her face as they moved from one emotion to another. There wasn't one this evening that was in any way negative or pained. Spike felt almost shy in the wake of this side of his wife. But she never let him falter, leading him down whatever path of conversation that she wanted to follow. 

They discussed the house and the new mish mash of furniture they had bought with no particular décor followed. The children were mulled over especially Raven's words of the night before. Somewhere along the line their hands had entwined on the table as their heads had gotten closer. Plans were made for the future and where they wanted to go but they knew that with their lives the plans would probably be shelved tomorrow for something more pressing. But it was a way for them to share and that was all that counted.

They weren't sure how much time had passed when Arnie made his over to them. "Hey, you two, I hate to interrupt but we may be having trouble." His head gestured behind him at a table with six human males around it. "Mitzi's told me they've been bad mouthing demons loud enough for the demons to hear. So, you guys in to help or not?" 

Spike and Buffy peered around Arnie's ample girth to peer at the men. None of them looked familiar but they had that clean cut all American boy look. 

"Yeah, we'll help if there's trouble. Don't know how much I can do."

"That's okay. You can keep the demons under control while I take on the little wussy boys." Buffy offered, "They about ready for the second round? I think I can still carry a tray." 

"What are you planning?"

"Just a little friendly warning and see what they do."

The couple rose and followed Arnie toward the bar where he quickly prepared a tray of beer. When he was done Buffy lifted it over her shoulder and sashayed her way over to their table. The old Buffy who used to work these tables with ease settled into place as she prepared to hand out the frosty mugs.

"How you boys doin?" She greeted them as she leaned over the table to dispense the brew. "You all new in town because I haven't seen you around before?"

Six pairs of eyes looked her over as she smiled at them.

"Yeah, we're new. But it is definitely looking like somewhere where I want to stay."  A man with graying hair, the oldest of the group answered her question letting her know that he was the leader and the one she needed to deal with.

"Well, I'll be waiting on you tonight. So, whatever you need don't hesitate to let me know." 

The men laughed and a few brief comments were made under their breath while their leader grabbed Buffy's ass and squeezed. She reached for it and laid it on the table while he struggled to free it. But she merely leaned on it as she bent over some so they could all hear her.

"Just words of advice since you all are new to town. This bar caters to all kinds. They are welcome here, everyone is welcome here, as long as they pay their bills and mind their own business. Okay?" 

Buffy straightened as she waited for some sort of acknowledgement. Two pair of eyes from the direction of the bar were boring into her back as they waited for what would happen. At first it appeared the guys were cowed enough as they looked around then one of them, a fresh faced kid who wanted to be a man, said loudly, "Demons don't deserve to be patronizing with humans."

A table of large demons with red scales sitting next to them had been hearing the comments made ever since this group had arrived and at this last one had had enough. They stood and made their way toward the humans.

"We'll show you who can hang out here and who can't. You are not welcome. Leave."

Their four fingered hands clenched and unclenched as they waited for a comeback.

"Hey, guys, we don't need to fight." Buffy stood between the two posturing groups hoping to stop the inevitable confrontation that started only a moment after her words. Right before the punches flew she told the group to run if they wanted to live but their single minded belief that humans were superior in all instances led them to arrogantly fight back.

Buffy ducked as the two groups started on each other but was dragged in the middle by one of the men who decided she was fair game. 

"Hey, I warned you to get out," Buffy said right before she threw the astonished man over a table. The rest of the patrons decided that the evening had been too boring and thought that an all out brawl would be more entertaining. 

Soon, everybody had joined in the fighting just to fight. Buffy kept trying to separate humans and demons but ended up just trying to protect herself. In the distance she heard Arnie calling out for Spike and wondered if everything was okay right before she got thrown into the wall.

~~~~~~~~

"Hey, Spike, yo, man, Spike," Arnie tried to get the attention of the vampire who was watching out for Buffy. 

Distractedly, Spike glanced back at the bar keep and asked him what was up. Arnie placed a hand on his shoulder to fully get his attention.

"Yeah?"

"It's Barbara, she's stuck on the other side of the bar under a table, can you go get her and bring her back. That table ain't going to last long."

Spike looked toward the other end of the bar and saw the blonde waitress huddling under a table that was surrounded about four rather large demons intent on out doing each other. 

"Sure thing, mate," Spike headed off toward her, having to avoid being drawn into a few scuffles and ducking around some others until he reached the table. He knelt down and peered under to lock eyes with the frightened woman. "Hey, you want to get out of here, maybe over to the bar? I could buy you a drink." 

Barbara nodded quickly and took Spike's hand as she crawled out from under the table. Once they were standing Spike told her to hang on to him no matter what. She nodded and Spike began to lead them back to the bar. 

"Hey, where you going with our prize?" One of the demons protested the removal of the woman they had been fighting over.

"Sorry, guess she likes blondes more than horns and warts," Spike told him as he attempted to go around him but found himself avoiding a punch thrown in his direction. The other three started to come after them and Spike found himself deciding whether to fight them or run. Feeling Barbara squeeze his hand he decided that to run was the better option. With a couple of well laid fists and kicks and one kick from Barbara they cleared an opening and made a bee line for the bar. 

After the waitress was safe, Spike attempted to look for Buffy in the crowd, but was unable to see the petite blond amongst the towering demons and humans that were tearing apart The Edge. With a worried feeling Spike sprang onto the bar so he could find her. He quickly spotted her blonde mane flying as she tossed a demon over her shoulder and turned toward one of the original troublemakers who seemed intent on provoking her. As she grabbed the guy by his shirt collar one of his friends came up behind her.

"Jab, Baby, jab with your left elbow," Spike called out hoping she would listen. She did and sent the guy to the floor holding his stomach. "Yes!" He started to dance on the bar imitating fighting moves while calling out instructions to Buffy. At one point she stopped briefly and winked at him and his antics. She was actually having fun down there in the pit of slimy, sweaty, drunks intent on beating each other up. Buffy turned to kick someone in the stomach and flashed red to everyone who was in visual range. Spike threw his hands over his face and then peeking out between fingers, "Baby, don't raise your leg". She shrugged and continued what she was doing. 

"Hey, Spike," Arnie called up to him. "Do you think maybe you and your woman can start clearing this place out before the cops get here?"

"What and kill all the fun?"

"Spike!"

"Okay, okay," Spike jumped lightly down into the fray and made his way toward Buffy. "Arnie needs the place emptied."

She glanced at him and nodded. Together they started tossing or pushing patrons toward the front door. A couple of the regular customers they knew started to help them out and it didn't take long before the place was empty. The last of those leaving hollered out a sorry to Arnie before closing the door behind them.  Spike locked up and made his way back to the bar with Buffy beside him.

Arnie was standing with his hands on his hips surveying the damage to his place. Most of the tables and chairs were smashed. Fortunately this time most of the windows and mirrors had escaped breakage. Sometimes he thought the regulars were being more careful on what got broken because they knew the more damage the longer before The Edge opened again.

Buffy hopped up to take a seat on the bar with Spike leaning across her legs. Mitzi and one of the other girls were starting to put the unbroken glasses in the tubs to be taken back to the kitchen.

"It's getting harder every time, guys, to pick up the pieces."

"You got insurance, don't you Arn?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, but the more I call them for this shit," Arnie waved his hand around at the mess, "the more my rates go up." Then with a heavy sigh he added, "I think it's time to close it in."

Everyone around him froze at the thought of The Edge closing down. The waitresses all looked at Arnie knowing that another job like this wouldn't be easy to come by. Arnie was fair to his servers and made sure they were protected from unwelcome advances by customers. They were treated like people and not just bodies to sell his booze.

Spike looked up at Buffy with a question in his eyes accentuated by the scarred eyebrow arching up. She looked down at him for a moment then nodded her head in agreement.

"What if you had business partners?"

The two men locked glances as Arnie considered the offer. Then slowly he shook his head no, "Nah, it's been my place for so long. I couldn't share running it with anyone."

"We wouldn't run it. You keep controlling interest. Buffy and me, we just give you a little extra working capital. You said you wanted to do some expanding." Spike offered.

"Why?'

Buffy smiled at his question and looped her arms around Spike's neck while laying her cheek against his hair. "As much as we agree this place is smelly, dirty and generally a dive, it's got a special meaning for Spike and me. It's where I was working when we became an us. I don't want to see it gone. Besides Arnie you've been a good friend to us. To me."

Arnie thought it over for a moment then nodded his head. Things were changing and maybe it was time for him to change too. "Okay, you two, partners."

The three of them shook hands while Mitzi and the others clapped. They agreed for their lawyers to talk things over and go from there.

"You ready to go home, Love?" Spike smiled up at Buffy ready to be alone with her.

"I'm ready to go. Want to head down to the beach and take a walk?" Buffy proposed with her eyebrows wiggling up and down.

"Yeah." 

Spike turned around so his back was between Buffy's legs and she accepted the invitation hopping down onto his back so he could carry her out. 

"Bye everybody, talk to you soon." Buffy called out and waved before the door swung close behind them as they made their way to the Desoto and the rest of their night.

TBC


	27. I Will Guard Your Dreams

**Chapter 26 – I Will Guard Your Dreams**

_July 27, 2007_3:10PM____

The delicate scent of summer flowers drifted on the afternoon breeze. Buffy stopped briefly to absorb the scent, breeze and tranquility of Tara's garden before stepping through the gate. Tara had created a place out of time and space in the small yard behind the cottage. Flowers bloomed everywhere with herbs and medicinal plants growing alongside. There were benches and swings for a body to sink onto and let the world outside the fence disappear. 

Buffy slipped her sandals off and walked barefoot through the grass toward the witch whose help she was seeking. The afternoon sun was warm on her skin as she pushed her sunglasses further up her nose. 

"Hello, Jacob, what are you doing been all penned up?" Buffy cooed to the little boy bouncing a greeting out from his play pen.

"Hi, Buffy," Tara said while glancing back over her shoulder to see her friend before returning to her weeding. 

After hugging Tara's son and returning him to his pen, Buffy came to sit between him and Tara. 

"Hello, Tara," Buffy replied while her fingers first played with the hem of her sun dress before plucking blades of grass from the ground.

"Where is everybody?" 

"Raven is shopping for tonight with Dawn and Faith, so her outfit should be interesting." Buffy smiled and allowed a contented sigh to be released. "And Elijah and Spike and Clem were playing Chutes and Ladders when I left the house. Spike and Clem were taking the game a little too seriously so I hope Eli can keep them in line."

"Poor Eli. I wonder who is really watching who."

"My thoughts exactly."

"So, Raven is looking forward to tonight?"

"Yep, the thought of going out to The Bronze, even with parents and family in tow, has got her worked into a frenzy of total girldom. She had to have a new outfit with all the correct accessories. And of course, Spike was thinking she was totally crazy for asking." Buffy straightened up a little with a smug smile, "it's kind of nice to have more girls then guys in the house now. Eli always sides with us so he can't be counted with them. Spike very dutifully handed the credit card over when he was told by three females that of course she had to have new clothes for her social debut. But I think a lot of it was having his daughter out among boys. He is so not going to handle her dating well."

Tara laughed softly at the thought of Spike being ganged up on by the women in his house and of him dealing with Raven among boys. 

"Is everything okay with Faith being there?"

"Yeah, she's been a big help with the slaying and even around the house. Never would have thought it of Faith though. Clem has like this huge crush on her and follows her around constantly like a puppy. It's kind of cute actually."

Tara laid her weeder down and turned to sit so she was facing Buffy.

"I meant with Faith and Spike."

"Oh," Buffy shrugged. "It's fine. Spike has been great this week. When he's not working he's into family time and me. He's been helping with the house too and been really sweet to me. Back massages and cuddles."

"So, no worries about the two of them in the house together?"

"Yeah, every once in a while, why?" Buffy worriedly asked. "Is there something I don't know?"

"No, sweetie, I was just wondering. I mean after the whole Donna thing and with Faith's history. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." 

"Said what about what?" Willow came out to join them taking a seat on the grass close to Jacob. 

"I was asking about Spike and Faith."

"Oh, that."

"What do you mean, 'oh that', what is 'oh that'?" Buffy asked. "Now you two are worrying me."

"No, Buffy, don't be worried, it's nothing. We were just talking and Xander said that the first night that Spike was looking at her and we were just worried."

"Xander!? Is everybody talking about my marriage?"

"No, Xander and Anya were over for dinner and...and..." Willow looked over at Tara to help her out of the mess she was creating.

"We all love you and yes, we will talk. You've done the same about us. Families talk."

Buffy looked away realizing that no matter how much she tried to play off 'the everything was okay' routine eventually everyone learned the truth. Even Spike and herself. 

"No, everything is okay. Spike looks sometimes but I can't say what is going on in his head. It probably doesn't help because I try to over analyze every move he makes." Buffy told them quietly. "I woke up the other night and he wasn't in bed and I went searching for him. He was up in the attic with Clem watching some old movie and I felt stupid. He knew why I was there. Why I was looking for him. Clem even knew. I want to trust him. He's doing everything right, like he did in the beginning, trying to make me feel safe and loved. But I keep wondering if it's going to last and what I am going to do to mess things up."

"You can't blame yourself, Buffy. He has to take responsibilities for his actions. He is the one that wanted Donna; he is the one that was looking at Faith. He was the one who wanted to run."

Buffy nodded absently not wanting to hear. They didn't understand. If it wasn't her fault then it was out of her control, if it was out of her control, then he could make the decision to leave her or cheat on her and if he did that then she didn't know if she could handle it.

"Buffy, listen to me." Tara reached for her hand, "Do you love Spike?"

"Yes, more than anything."

"Then let him make his own mistakes, his own choices, let him be responsible for what he does. No matter how much it hurts."

Buffy turned to look at her friends again, "I don't know if I can."

"Buffy, I had to let Willow go because of the magic. I had to stop forgiving her, to stop making excuses for her I had to let her know that I wouldn't take anymore."

"She's right," Willow agreed turning to smile at her partner, "if she hadn't made me make a choice then I probably would have ended up lost to it. Do you believe in Spike? That his intentions are for the best."

"Yes. I know he's trying and things haven't been easy…"

"No excuses. Spike always has excuses for himself or given to him by others. Cecilia didn't love me, Angelus was cruel to me, Drusilla left me, Buffy and her friends won't accept me, I've got the chip in my head, Buffy wants things I can't give her. Just because things are rocky doesn't mean you have to make bad choices. I don't care if he is a vampire or not. Do you believe in him? Yes or no." Tara persisted.

"Yes. I believe that he intends well, and that he loves me and the kids and that he would never deliberately hurt any of us."

"Then let him prove it. Let him prove it or disprove it all on his own."

Buffy nodded slowly. She knew she had to let the control go. She had to find a way because she wanted to trust him without him having to prove his love with big gestures. She wanted it with the little everyday ones. 

"Okay, I'll try." 

"Good."

"Thanks as long as you two don't charge me like Sara does."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Family is for this too." Willow added. "So, did you come over just for the therapy?"

"No, actually I came over for some magic. It seems that Raven and Elijah can sometimes hear Spike and I, well, when we," 

"Have sex, make love, make whoopee…" Willow offered.

"Not in front of Jacob." Buffy corrected glancing over at the boy. "But yes, when we have sex, and I was wondering if one of you could put a spell around our room so they can't hear us but we can still hear them."

"That won't be difficult, Buffy," Tara consented then glanced at Willow before continuing, "Xander said that Elijah was also picking up on you in pain. Is this from the new things that you and Spike are exploring?"

"Yes and not major pain. I think sometimes it's more of me being uncomfortable either emotionally or physically more than actual pain," Buffy explained. "Can a spell be done for that too?"

Tara nodded, "Are you okay with this stuff that Spike wants you to do? You just said uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable in the sense of not being in control or being bound," Buffy stopped and a faint blush crept over her cheeks, "This is embarrassing but, no, he hasn't hurt me. Nothing we do involves actual hurting either of us. The only pain might be in the biting but that is good and it's not every time." Buffy didn't really like telling even them this much of their personal life but she knew they wouldn't be irresponsible enough to do a spell blindly.  "Spike likes this kind of stuff, I'm learning to like it and it's not hurting either of us, so I want to do what ever I can to make him happy."

_July 27, 2007_10:45 PM__

The strobe lights made mad dashes across the room, highlighting something of note before racing off to its new interest. The pounding beat echoed off the walls before returning to permeate Spike's being and he released his body to its primitive call. His eyes fluttered closed in his surrender as the crush of humans surrounding him sang out with such innocence to his demon and it rejoiced to sing along in their chorus.  Senses overloaded by the tangy smell of their sweat, the ripe need of their arousals, the crescendo of their hearts beating and the blood that rushed through their fragile cavities, drove him to a gnawing hunger that had long been abandoned. A yearning crept through him for lives once lived and he felt the urge to slip back into the night. He resisted the instincts that vibrated through his body and flung his head back to inhale sharply of the masses around him. 

As bodies brushed against him also in their kinetic need to fulfill the dance, Spike allowed himself to slip into a fantasy. More of a memory of a time long past when there was still four. Of a pub outside of London, of a game created from too much ale and wine, of too much bloodlust and too many easy victims and too much boredom from days when the rain wouldn't stop. A game to see who could slide the most distance in the blood and booze that ran freely over the stone floor. They had ended up naked and covered in it; licking blood from whoever's body was closet. 

Except now his fantasy was not of them, never again of them, but of Buffy and a room where blood flowed from unknown sources. The laughter of Buffy echoed around him as they frolicked naked in the sticky nectar and the tongue touching him was only hers. The body that pleasured him was only hers. 

His eyes sprang open as he felt a body too close, too intimate, then he knew it was her. As if she knew he was thinking of her, she was there backing up to him. Her bottom gyrating against him and he lowered his knees slightly to give her what she craved. A contented sigh swept through her as they connected together while his cock stirred against the luscious feast presented before it. 

Abandoning the fantasy he wrapped his arms around her, his nose buried in her hair as he inhaled pure Buffy.  It was her sweat, her arousal, her heartbeat and her blood rushing through veins that now sang to him. He knew he would take this sweet reality of his woman a million times over the fantasy of only a moment ago. Her essence washed over him in waves and he surrendered to her again as he moved in time with her. A new fantasy and a wish that he had brought the duster with him crowded his mind.

A pair of eyes tickled at his conscious and he looked up to find Raven staring at them. Spike smiled at her then straightened up to give more space between him and the woman in his arms. Buffy wasn't ready to let him go, not having seen their daughter's look of embarrassment, and she raised her arms to link her fingers behind Spike's neck. To ease the separation Spike ran his fingers slowly up her arms until his fingers were entwined with hers but as he went to pull them down, another pair of hands locked over theirs holding them in place.

It was her. He didn't need to look, only to smell, to know that it was Faith. Her body pressed along his back mimicking the movements that Buffy and he followed. For a moment arrogance swept through him at the thought of two Slayers pressed against him, a vampire, both of them filled with the blood of a powerful aphrodisiac. He wondered briefly if another creature like him had ever had the pleasure not only of killing two of these worthy opponents but of also being so crushed between them. Then the thought danced briefly of what it would be like to be able to abandon everything and pull them to a corner and let them continue these movements toward a better conclusion.

Spike knew this was going to lead no where good and he brought his hand down still clenched by the two women. With a light kiss that encompassed both of their knuckles he let them go and slipped off the dance floor. When he reached the edge he glanced back and saw them still dancing with their fingers entwined. 

A few moments later, a cold beer clenched in his hand, he returned to watch his wife dance with this woman.  Wild and primitive they moved in synchronicity, two creatures more than human and less than animal. Beautiful in the rawness of their moves and the blinding electricity they created.

"You okay, Buddy?" Xander appeared at his left with Anya beside him.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"I saw Faith's move and your quick withdrawal."

Spike laughed bitterly and took a drink of his beer. "Even if Buffy wasn't saying anything, eventually it would have been my fault. Better to get out before anything happened."

"Smart idea." 

Spike shrugged and watched his wife for a moment more then decided to ask the question that had been preying on his mind for a few days and made more urgent by the last few minutes.

"Did Buffy and Faith ever…well, did they ever shag?"

Xander spit his own beer out that he had been trying to swallow then began to choke. Anya pounded on his back while flashing Spike a dirty look. After a few moments Xander managed to get a grip again.

"Everything all right?" Willow asked as she and Tara came over to see what was going on.

"No, everything is not all right. Fangless just asked if Buffy and Faith were ever lovers."

As the sentence left his mouth everyone turned to look out over the dance floor observing the two women in question.

"Well, did they?" Spike asked again.

"No, not as far as we know." Xander stated then with the look from Willow amended his statement, "No, they never did. Too much bad stuff between them."

"But Faith sure did lead Buffy into some bad stuff too." Willow added.

"And Buffy went willingly?" Spike asked but already knew the answer.

"For a while but she came around." Xander confirmed.

"She always does," Spike muttered under his breath. 

"Xander did." Anya piped up.

"Xander did what, Love?" Spike responded.

"Xander slept with her. With Faith."

Spike's eyes went wide as he turned to pat Xander on the shoulder. "Congratulations, I didn't think you had it in you."

"It didn't end good. Nothing with Faith, back then, ever did," Xander told him.

"Nope, it sure didn't." Willow agreed.

Spike turned to look back at the floor realizing that it wasn't just Buffy that had the trouble with their new house guest but some where along the line Faith had hurt his family too. He had heard the stories before but it wasn't real until now when once again Buffy's friends were looking in on her as she played with Faith. 

"Dance with me." Anya demanded lovingly as she headed for the dance floor while dragging Xander behind her.

Not that the excitement was over Tara and Willow began to slip away again.

"Willow, Tara, could I talk to you two birds for a minute? Please?" Spike called before they got away. 

The two women consented following Spike as he led them outside for their talk. Once there Spike shuffled around for a few seconds while Tara and Willow waited patiently for him to talk to them.

"I was wondering if you two could make me some more of that tea." Spike finally got out while he looked away from them. 

The two witches looked at each for a moment before turning back to Buffy's husband.

"The fertility tea?" Willow asked.

"Yeah, I was thinking that maybe it would be a good idea if I was drinking it."

"Then you and Buffy have decided to try again?" Tara asked as she looked at Willow again in confusion. From their conversation with Buffy earlier it had seemed like the last thing on her mind.

"She doesn't know," Before they could say anything Spike lifted his hand as if to ask them to give him a moment to say what was on his mind. "Look, everybody keeps telling me that stress will hinder the process, right? And I thought maybe if I was taking the tea and she didn't know, so she wouldn't be stressed from trying, then maybe it would happen."

"But, Spike, you would need to keep track of her cycles." Tara reminded him gently.

"I have kept track of Buffy's cycles since the day she moved in with me. I know them better than she does." He replied then chuckled at Tara's confusion.

"But why would you…oh, oh," Tara started to ask then realization dawned on her as her cheeks tinged pink and her eyes got bigger.

"Spike, don't you think that you should discuss this with Buffy?" Willow asked as she slipped her hand in Tara's.

"I told you why I don't want to. Talk to her and if you think that she no longer wants a baby then I won't do it. But I know she still wants one but there is too much going on for her to have any more stress added on. I'll watch the calendar and take the bloody tea and find a way to hang her upside down for the time needed." He pleaded with his friends for their help. "I'll take the stress and the disappointment myself if it doesn't work."

"That's the other thing. The stuff, the two of you have been doing, playing at, you're not going to be able to do that. If she would conceive it could injure the baby or keep her from holding on to it." Willow added. If there was a way she wanted Buffy to be able to have her baby but wanted to make sure that Spike understood what needed to be done. Both women were surprised when Spike readily nodded his head.

"Whatever it takes for Buffy to be happy, I'll do it."

As Willow gave her consent to bring him some more of the tea, Spike heard a familiar cough and the faint smell of cigarette smoke. 

"Why don't you two head on in and I'll be there in just a minute?" Spike said. 

Willow and Tara turned to head back into The Bronze as Spike headed toward the alley. He moved quietly toward the small figure leaning against the wall smoking. The girl was turned away from him and never noticed him approaching until he reached out and grabbed her arm.

Raven flicked her hand back imprinting the burning end of the cigarette into Spike's arm then flung her hand bag back hitting him on the head.

Not knowing which one to grab first Spike first reached for the burn then for his head, "Bloody hell, girl, what are you doing?"

After seeing who she had just clocked Raven's eyes opened wide and her mouth fluttered open and shut a couple of times as she stared at Spike. Then defiance hit home, the one that had driven her out here in the first place, and her jaw snapped shut and her eyes closed to almost a slit.

"And what are you doing sneaking up on girls in alleys?"

"And what are you doing in the alley besides smoking?" Spike demanded as he reached for the cigarette then finally snatching it when Raven refused to hand it over. 

"Obviously taking care of myself." Refusing to give in to him, Raven crossed her arms in front of her while jutting one foot out in front of her.

"Is that so?" Spike asked. He lifted the cigarette to his lips, inhaling deeply of the offending material then slowly allowed the smoke to drift from his nostrils. "Here you do it," he told her as he handed it back to her.

"You want me to smoke?"

"Just do it."

Sensing a trap somehow Raven reluctantly took the cigarette back. With a brief look at him she quickly took a small puff.

"No, Princess, the way I just did it. Inhale deeply." Spike instructed.

Raven put it back to her lips and inhaled the way he told her to and ended up collapsing into a fit of coughing. She had only started to inhale and definitely hadn't worked up to deep inhalations yet. Mortification ran rampant through her being as Spike laughed at her reaction.

"Just as I thought. Something new you've picked up." 

"You smoke. All the time. Buffy does sometimes. You are the adults and if it's okay for you then why isn't…."

"Sing me a new song. That one is getting old." 

"Well, why don't you give me a new tune to work with?" Raven retorted. 

"Touché, little one, now hand over your stash." Spike reached his hand out toward her. When he only received a glare in return, he wiggled his fingers at her. "Now. And that's the other thing. Stealing is wrong."

Raven gave a loud sigh and handed over the pack she had taken earlier from his carton.  Reaching into his pocket Spike removed the pack he was currently smoking then took the one that Raven was holding out to him. He walked over to a trash barrel and shredded the cigarettes into it.

"When we get home the rest of them go the way of these. No more smoking for anyone. Understand?" 

"What are you going to do to me?"

"Do to you? What am I supposed to do to you?" Spike asked in confusion. He had laid down the law and as far as he was concerned that was the end of the matter. 

"Punish me, maybe?" Raven threw her arms wide. That was the whole idea to this thing was to push the rules, not that they had ever been stated, and find out if they cared or not. Now, Spike was not going to punish her. That could only mean he didn't care.

"Well, okay, no video games for a week." Spike came up with taking away the only thing that she seemed to really enjoy doing. When she had asked about punishing his mind had scrambled to recall what Giles would do to Dawn when she pulled one of her stunts. Removing privileges had always been one of common punishments. He smiled at the look of relief on Raven's face when he gave her the consequence of her little stunt.

"Are you going to tell Buffy?" 

"Yes, I am going to tell Buffy." Spike waited to see the reaction that Raven gave and when she scowled at his pronouncement he knew he had said the right thing again. "Come on; let's get back inside before she sends a search squad for us."

"Fine," Raven turned to storm off into the club in order to keep appearances up even as her heart was feeling a little better about things. 

Spike smiled and shook his head as he started to follow his daughter. Something told him that this was not going to get any easier, any time soon. But it made his heart feel good anyway.

TBC


	28. I Will Find A Way

**Chapter 27 – I Will Find A Way**

_August 1, 2007__1:45 PM_

Buffy began to unload the dishwasher as Dawn made herself a drink. Faith was already at the table waiting for the other two women to join her. 

"So, Janice has been invited to a meeting of the Soldiers?" Buffy asked as she stacked plates in the cabinet. 

"Yeah, Saturday night, they are all going to meet at this guy, Ralph's house. He approached her and told her that she seemed to have that extra edge about being human and wanted to know if she wanted to help them out with some projects." Dawn explained as she joined Faith at the table. 

"Is Max's co-worker going to go with her?" Buffy turned to look at Dawn as she checked on Janice's safety before turning to start putting glasses away.

"Yeah, his name is Bobby, and he and Janice have been acting like a couple so he got invited too." 

"Good, so maybe we can get some more names and faces to link with the Soldiers." Faith piped in. She had been filled in on everything that had been going on and was eagerly helping them with tracking down the men they were looking for.

"I hope so. If we could at least get the men that murdered the children's parents and ransacked the house, I think we'll put a serious dent in their operations," Buffy commented. "Does Max know of the latest developments?"

"Bobby was going to meet with his superiors today, so I assume Max will be told," Dawn responded.

"Is Janice dealing with all this, okay?" Buffy turned around with a worried expression on her face. Janice hadn't really been involved with a lot of their fights and she wasn't sure how a 'civilian' would handle this job she had undertaken.

"She's fine. Actually, she says she is having fun and is considering becoming a cop now." Dawn smiled at her sister. Her friend had taken to the undercover work so well that was all she was talking about these days. 

Buffy turned back around and continued to put glasses away in the cabinet. As she reached for the back of the cabinet her crop top slid up her back revealing several large bruises. Dawn's eyes widened at the markings on her sister and stood so she could come closer to examine them. Buffy jumped at the feeling of someone lifting her shirt.

"Who did this to you?" Dawn asked suspiciously. She had already come to a conclusion but she wanted Buffy to confirm it.

"It's nothing, Dawn. I'm a Slayer, remember? Bruises and stuff come with the package." Buffy pulled away so that she was facing her younger sibling.

"And the handprint? You have a handprint in the middle of your back. Was it Spike? Did he do this to you?"

"I told you, it was nothing. So, drop it." Buffy stiffened as Dawn's supposed questions of concern became more ones of accusations. 

"I can't believe you, Buffy. Spike's little games have gone a little too far, haven't they? Has he just moved right into beating you?" Dawn's was livid that her sister was just accepting of what her husband was doing to her. It had to be him because Buffy wasn't giving any other explanation.

"You are pushing it. Spike would never deliberately hurt me and like I said bruises are part of the Slayer package."

"So, the bruises were an accident? He didn't mean to do it." Dawn spat the words out as she looked to Faith for help to back her up. Faith shrugged her shoulders because she knew that it wasn't her business to interfere and only would if Buffy asked her to. 

"Why are you so convinced that Spike is hurting me?" Buffy's eyes narrowed to a slit. This was too much for her to believe. Dawn was accusing Spike, the one she had always adored, of beating her. It was just inconceivable that Dawn would be so easy to blame Spike instead of finding out the truth.

"Fine, defend  him," Dawn hurried over to grab her purse before heading for the back door. "I'll let you know what happens with Janice." The door slammed behind the former key as she left her sister's house.

"Why didn't you tell her the truth?" Faith asked quietly as she watched Buffy work through the rage that was consuming her.

Buffy turned to look at her friend as she breathed deeply in an effort to calm herself. "She didn't seem to want to listen.  I don't think she would have accepted that, yeah, it is Spike's handprint but he thought he was hitting a demon in the confusion of the fight."

"I would have backed you up if you wanted. Told her that Spike just about freaked when he realized what he had done."

Buffy shook her head slowly, "She seemed determined to find a way to blame him." She gave a small derisive laugh, "I think she's been watching Lifetime a little too much. I'll call her later and talk to her when she has calmed down."

With that decided Buffy turned to continue to unload the dishes as Faith stood to help her.

_August 1, 2007__5:40 PM___

The pile of bills that needed to be paid never seemed to go away and since Raven and Elijah had arrived they had just seemed to grow. The refurnishing of the house had also put a serious dent in the liquid cash supply. Spike sighed as he slit open the cell phone bill waiting to see what total the family had racked up this month. It didn't seem to be too bad but as he turned to put it with the others, one detailed report on a phone caught his eye. There were almost daily, sometimes twice daily, phone calls to the Hyperion on it. Having everyone on speed dial, Spike had never taken the time to memorize everyone's phone numbers but knew that Buffy would know. Snatching the bill up he headed toward the kitchen where she and Raven were starting on dinner.

"Buffy," he called as he headed down the hallway. Raven was laughing and saying that the whole thing was disgusting as he halted just inside the doorway.

"What, Baby?" Buffy looked up at him as her hands continued to mix together the ingredients for tonight's meatloaf.

"Whose cell phone is 555-1777?"

"It's mine, why?" Raven answered. Her voice was quiet as she answered him. Neither of them had given her any restrictions on the phone and wasn't sure what she had done but Spike looked upset about something. 

At Spike's tone and Raven's quiet demeanor, Buffy started to wipe her hands clean.

"Why have you been calling the Hyperion?"

Raven's face turned white as she realized that Spike knew everyone she called on her phone. Then the defiance kicked in. If he didn't want her calling someone, he should have told her. 

"To talk to someone."

"No sh.., who?" Spike stopped in the middle of his comment to amend his words. Elijah had been picking up on everything lately and he had tried to stop cursing before the little boy could swear like a sailor.

"Connor." Raven's hands rose to her hips as her chin came up. 

"Why?'

Buffy couldn't help but laugh when Spike asked that. If he couldn't figure that much out, he was going to have a hell of time over the next few years with his daughter. But the laughter immediately stopped when Spike flashed an angry 'aren't you on my side?' look.

"Because I like him, duh!" Raven answered him with some amusement creeping into her eyes also. But that amusement died when Spike growled. He actually growled about her liking Connor. She took a step back away from him not sure what he was going to do. Spike in demon face was something she was becoming comfortable with but the demon directed at her was something new altogether. 

"He is too old for you. Don't call him or talk to him again." Spike pronounced and turned to head back to his study.

"That's it. You just tell me not to talk to him and it's supposed to be settled. I'll talk to him if I want to. I don't care what you say." Raven screamed at his retreating back. 

Spike stiffened as he slowly turned back to face her. A quick glance at Buffy showed her sympathy for him but she was clearly trying to let him handle this. 

"You will not talk to him. You are fourteen years old. He is twenty-one. If you don't stop talking to him, I'll go to him and Angel and settle it myself."

"I'll be fifteen next month. And you don't know anything. Anything at all." Raven was screaming as her eyes began to glow. She hated that Spike was just calmly deciding her life and she didn't know how to talk to him. Sometimes he was just cold and unreachable. Digging deep she pulled her trump card out knowing that if nothing else it would get a reaction from him. "Besides what difference does it make, it's not like I'm even a virgin anymore." 

Buffy closed her eyes because she knew the next few minutes would decide the relationship that Spike and Raven would have for the duration. Raven had told her about her excursion into sex after she had found condoms in her room the day they were cleaning up. With determination to see the two of them through this Buffy opened her eyes and came to stand next to them.

After hearing her words, Spike had vamped out and growled again. This time deep and threatening, his hands clenching and unclenching in frustration at not being able to reach the man or boy who had touched his little girl. Pain seared through his chest as a distant memory flickered briefly in his mind and knew that if Connor had even so much as hugged her, he would rip him in half. 

Raven backed up another step as she came face to face with the demon. His yellow eyes stared at her in rage and pain and she wished she had kept her mouth shut and talked to Buffy about it. But she refused to let him know she was intimidated.

"What are you going to bite me or something?" 

Unable to control his rampaging emotions, Spike started to turn again but found Buffy blocking his way.

"No, do not walk away." She whispered to him even though she knew that Raven could still hear her. "If you walk away, you tell her you don't care. Even if you mess up or fumble this, you stay and you talk to her. Everything is okay as long as you try. I'll be here to help you." 

"You knew? You knew and you didn't tell me." Spike stared at her in bewilderment that Buffy was keeping things from him.

"Yes, I knew. She asked me not to tell you and as long as the issue was mute, I let it lie. When she started dating then I would have had her tell you, so we could make decisions together." Buffy stroked his face in an effort to calm him. He nodded at her words knowing she was telling him the truth.

It took him a couple of moments of unnecessary breathing and concentrating before he could relax back into human guise. Once he did, he turned back to face his daughter, pain ripped through him again at the tears that were falling across her cheeks.

"I would never bite you, Raven. Even if I could, I would never hurt you."

She nodded slightly as she wrapped her arms around herself. Pain was all she saw in his eyes and it hurt her to know that she had caused it. 

"Tell her what you are feeling." Buffy quietly instructed.

"I hurt." He sighed as he looked at her. "You're so young, Raven. When I look at you, I still see a little girl. But your body, it may…it may have everything that says you're a woman but you're not. It's still too young for that. And the emotions, sex can change everything. And if you aren't both at the same place and you're the one left behind, it can almost kill you inside."

It was as honest as he could be and he hoped it was enough. A part of him wanted to weep for the childhood she had left behind somewhere and a part of him was relieved that she seemed to have handled it responsibly.

"Your turn, Raven. Tell him the truth." Buffy looked at her daughter knowing that the truth would alleviate a lot of Spike's concerns. 

Raven nodded as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand. It was going to be humiliating to tell him what had really happened after what she had put him through. 

"I've only done it once. Sean is a friend of mine, kind of like Willow and Xander friends. He lives in the Lankasha village and I'd see him all the time when we would visit. It was last Christmas break and we were hiking. We got to talking about sex and stuff and we were curious. So, we did it just to find out what it was like. I don't even think we did it right."

Spike almost cracked a smile at her last sentence but managed to suppress by covering it with another sigh.

"That was it? Just the once?" 

Raven nodded her head, "Yeah that was it. I told my mom and she gave me a huge lecture and bought me condoms, just in case. But no, we never did it again. Sean is more of a friend and we just don't feel that way about each other." Then her mind switched to the one she did feel that way about. She didn't realize it but as she started to think about Connor her expression changed to one of dreamy infatuation which Buffy and Spike both picked up on.

"Still no Connor. He is too old." Spike told her but this time he stayed to get a response from her. 

Raven's expression changed again and another tear wound down her face as she looked away from Spike. "Connor treats me like an annoying little sister. He's dating some twenty-three old blonde with a mustang, like I could compete with that. I talk to him like I do Dawn, even more so because he's not involved with everything here and he listens."

"It's just talking?"

Raven nodded knowing now that her friendship wouldn't get taken away. And if they were friends then she still had a chance to show Connor that she was the only one for him but Spike didn't need to know that. A quick glance at Buffy, who was rolling her eyes and she knew that Buffy understood but that she would tolerate it for now. In two steps she was in Spike's arms whispering, "Thank you", over and over to him. 

_August 1, 2007__11:45 PM___

The blender whirred enticingly as it mixed the anticipated Margaritas together. The radio played some oldies from the '80's in the background while Buffy was pulling chips out of the cabinet so they could be dumped into bowls. The kids were asleep, Spike had gone patrolling and Clem was upstairs in the attic which left her and Faith to do some relaxing and girl bonding together. 

Humming along to Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop" Buffy pulled the homemade Pico sauce from the refrigerator to put on the tray that would carry everything into the living room. Ever since Spike and she had discussed everything, Buffy had found herself relaxing more and taking a lot of things less seriously. Somewhere along the lines she had found herself becoming more stodgy and older acting than she liked.  Her clothes had become less fun and more functional, but after the date to The Edge she had started to dress more like she had used to. Tonight she was wearing a pair of black slacks with the waist rolled down in the present style with a frilly pink top. Her feet though were bare since her toenails were still drying. 

"Ready?" Faith asked holding the pitcher up. She grabbed the two glasses and headed for the living room with Buffy right behind her.

"I'm glad you're here." Buffy commented as she put the tray on the table and sat back on the couch. 

Faith sat next to her and poured them each a drink. After handing Buffy one, she settled back into the opposite end of the couch.

"I never thought I would ever hear you say that." 

"Things just got out of control for all of us." Buffy told her. "I wish things had been different."

"Yeah, and you know what they say, if we didn't go through what we did, then we wouldn't be where we are."

"That sounds like an Angel."

"It is."

The two women laughed as they thought of the vampire that always seemed to be between them but this time in a good way.

"Did you love him?" Buffy asked quietly. It didn't matter anymore but it was something that she had always wondered about.

"Angel? No, I came to care for him a great deal but love, no." Faith shook her head to emphasize her answer as she noted the relief that drifted across Buffy's face.

"It was always about you, Buffy. They all loved you and I hated you for it." 

"And now?"

Faith smiled at the insecure undertone that had crept into Buffy's words. 

"And now, do they still love you or do I hate you?" 

"Both, I think." Buffy grinned at the brunette over her glass of Margarita enjoying the sour tang as it moved over her tongue.

"Come on, this conversation is going to get even better," Faith encouraged as Buffy drained her glass. She held the pitcher out and refilled both their glasses before answering her question. "We all love you, me included, even if you are a whiny, skinny little blond who doesn't know how to have fun." 

"I do too know how to have fun. There are some stories I could tell you about what Spike and I have done." Buffy defended herself. "Like the time we….oh no, you almost got me. But I am not going to kiss and tell. Spike would kill me." 

Faith threw her head back as she laughed at Buffy. A few more glasses and she would know everything about exactly what had gotten the other Slayer to lighten up and the man who had accomplished it. She was curious as to what had gotten Buffy to this stage in her life and how she had come to be so devoted to another vampire. The changes were remarkable and maybe there was still hope for her to finish changing and finding someone who could be so drawn to her.

"I'm glad that you didn't stay with Riley. He should have known it wasn't you that night." Faith said almost to herself. It had always bothered her that Buffy's boyfriend hadn't known it wasn't her he was making love to. "Spike would have known if he had been your boyfriend then."

"Yeah, he would have." Buffy agreed with a smile. Spike would have known, the way her eyes looked as she succumbed to the attraction between them, the way she touched him and the sighs and moans as he touched her it was all things that would tell him if it was her or not. 

"Did he ever tell you what I did to him?" Faith asked with a twinkle in her eyes.

"I never knew you met Spike." 

"Yeah, it was when we had switched bodies. I ran into him in the Bronze, and well, I teased him. Told him I had muscles he had never dreamed about and that I could ride him until he popped like warm champagne. And he thought it was you." Faith giggled.

For a second Buffy looked angry then she dissolved into giggles too. It was then she realized that Spike was standing in the doorway and had heard the last part of the conversation. He looked embarrassed as he looked at the two women. Buffy stood and hurried over to him drawing him further into the room.

"Oh, my god. All this time I wondered where you got that phrase from." Buffy turned back to Faith, "Every once in a while he'll tell me to pop him like warm champagne and I had no idea it was you." Buffy wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face from the laughter that still shook her small frame.

"Yeah, it's really funny." Spike turned to walk away from them before they insulted him anymore.

"Come on, Spike, its funny." Buffy sobered up as she realized that he was really upset with her. "What's even funnier is that I have been so worried about you two sleeping together and Faith has been in bed with us this whole time." 

The last part had just slipped out. It didn't seem to matter if it did because everyone knew that it was on the back of her mind. It was on all their minds. It's just that none of them would say it. Faith used to always go after her men, Spike had wanderlust and she was worried that he would actually do it and with Faith in the house, it was always there somewhere in her mind.

Spike gave one last look at Buffy before turning and walking out of the room. He had known she was worried about it but her saying it like that, so casually, made it seem ugly and coarse. It made her seem petty and small and it made him look like he couldn't control himself. God only knew what it made Faith feel like.

"Well, you blew that one, B," Faith observed.

Buffy continued to look in the direction that Spike had gone feeling the guilt building in her. "I know I did. It's just…"

"It's just that you can't let it go." Faith finished for her. Then when Buffy turned to look at her she continued, "You say you forgive him but we all know you haven't let go of it. It's like you're just waiting for him to mess up again so you can point a self-righteous finger at him and say you knew it. He adores you and yeah, he messed up, but he is trying to make it right and he never will be able to unless you give him the room to do it."

Buffy gave one last look at Faith before turning to follow her husband. It seemed that now it was her turn to be humble and beg forgiveness.

"Well, gee, there just went girl's night." Faith muttered while putting the pitcher and glasses on the tray with the untouched chips. Then spotting the two new DVDs on the table she got an idea and threw them on the tray too. Picking the tray up she headed for the attic. Getting there was easy, getting through the door was another problem, Faith quietly tried to kick the door to get Clem to answer it but apparently he didn't hear it. She kicked a little harder trying to get his attention and still no response. Just as she about to really kick it, the door opened with Clem staring at her.

"Hey, want some company? I come bearing chips and dips, and quickly melting Margaritas and some movies." 

It took a moment for it to fully register with Clem that Faith was actually standing there asking to come into his place. After shaking his head in an effort to clear it, he realized that she actually was there. Standing aside he gestured for her to come in, then manners kicked in and he took the tray from her. 

"Would you like to take a seat?" He nervously asked as he put the tray down on the crates that served as a coffee table. The demon watched as the petite Slayer settled on the end of his couch. "What happened to girl bonding time?"

"Buffy inserted foot into mouth and is now talking to Spike." 

"Those two have issues." Clem shook his head as he sat on the other end of the couch forgoing his usual spot in the recliner. 

"Have they always been like this?" Faith asked as she leaned over to scoop some Pico sauce on a chip. 

"No, it's just been in the last few months, ever since they started trying to have a baby. I guess the stress of trying took off the rose covered glasses of their relationship."

"I didn't get new drinking glasses so unless you have one; you are going to have to drink after Buffy." Faith handed the almost full glass to Clem who accepted it without comment. "Well, at least they keep talking and trying."

"If they would quit fighting over all the little bullshit, then they might just realize they are bonded as much as they ever have been. Those two are super glued together and no matter how much they try to run, they will always come back to one another."

"It must be nice to have someone like that in your life." Faith sighed as leaned back against the couch again.

"I'm surprised that you came up here to hang out." Clem said trying to steer the conversation to them. Every since she had come to live in the house he had been trying to find a way to spend some time alone with her. The woman, with her mischievous ways and laughter, had worked her way into his heart. He knew he didn't stand a chance with a human but he could still enjoy being with her.

"Honestly in the old days, I wouldn't have given it a second thought to kill you because you're a demon. Things change. I like you. You're a good…person." Faith finished hoping she hadn't insulted him by calling him a person.

"Thanks, I think," Clem laughed. "Before Spike and I became friends, I never hung out with humans. Thought they were all out to get demons and wouldn't be accepting of us but I got surprised when I met Buffy and the others."

"Doesn't it ever bother you that you can't go into just any store or restaurant because of who you are? Even when we went through McDonald's that day you slinked down in the seat and looked the other way." 

Clem put his glass back down on the crate before answering. "Sometimes it would be more convenient to be able to do that but I know I'm not welcome. So, I stick to my own kind. It's hard sometimes to even do that. They know that I live here and are friends with humans. It's like Spike. He has a hard time going back to that side of town because they all consider him a traitor to the demons. Killing them and stuff. He's become too humanized to ever fully be accepted in our world again. When they found out that I had moved into the house, they tried to use it as an excuse to tell me that Buffy and Spike consider me lower than them because they put me in the attic. But I know they did it because I would have more room up here than downstairs. I could have my privacy but the demons don't see it that way. They see it as hiding away the demon, unable to acknowledge him as a friend."

"But you don't doubt their friendship? At all, do you?" 

"Nah, I stopped doubting it almost four years ago. We were in this battle with this giant demon intent on stomping out Sunnydale and I got caught in a falling building. The others didn't think I would be found alive. When they had defeated it and I crawled out from under this wall, Buffy threw herself at me, crying her eyes out telling me how happy she was I was alive and even Spike had a few tears for me. Since then I know that I am a part of them. A part of this family. Wouldn't trade it for anything now. Maybe one day, we won't be judged just because we are demon but on whether we are good persons or not." Clem used Faith's terminology to tease her and was pleased when she smiled at it.

"Well, I'll tell you what, Clem, when that day comes we will go out together to the best restaurant we can found. Okay?" Faith reached over and patted his arm. 

"Sounds good to me," Clem grinned. Excitement filled him at the thought that she would even casually mention that one day she would go out with him.

"Okay, so now for the movie, Julia or Sandra?" Faith asked holding up the DVDs.

"Julia, definitely." 

_August 2, 2007__12:25 AM___

Spike was standing in his old crypt with one hand pressed against the wall and his head bowed. His eyes were closed as the memories swelled his heart with even more emotions than he was already feeling.

"I'm sorry, Spike," Buffy's voice was soft behind him. Her heartbeat was picking up as she waited for a response from him. It would be so easy to accept her apology and just forget but he would be lying if he let it go.

"It was right here, Baby."

"What was?"

"You don't remember? It was here in this spot that I was inside of you for the first time. All that heat burning me alive. You said it was just sex but to me it was everything." He turned to look at her for a moment noting the tears that filled her emerald eyes. They were the eyes that were a mirror for his soul when he didn't even have one. "It was here that I actually felt hope that one day you would be mine. It was here that I first vowed that I would never hurt you or let you down if you would only love me."

"I remember. I remember that it was everything to me, too. I was too scared to let you know how much."

"I fucked up. I know I hurt you and I'm sorry." Spike laughed softly as a thought came to him. "I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough to hold onto your love."

"Don't. I still love you. I will always love you."

"But it will never be the way it used to be. Never the way it used to be when you thought I was everything." He turned away from the wall to face her. "Now, that you understand how weak I truly am, you will never love me the same."

"You are everything, Spike."

He walked closer to you to cup her face, his thumb brushing across her cheek.

"No, I'm not, pet. You know that I am fallible, that I am no better than the other men you have loved, and now you also realize that you can live without me. You will never love me the way you did in the beginning."

"Do you really want me that dependent and blind?" Buffy questioned softly knowing that she couldn't argue with him. Her love for him had changed. It had to change in order to survive, for her to survive, and for him to survive too.

"No, but it makes me wonder if you would love me at all if you knew the truth of who I am." His hands dropped to his side as he sighed and looked over her shoulder. "I called Dawn today and she won't even talk to me. She said that I wasn't going to get away with it and hung up on me. I've already lost her. Would I lose you too if you knew the monster I was and could be?"

"No, Spike. I am your wife, for now and for always." Buffy tried to reassure him as her hands went to clutch at his waist. "I don't know what is up with Dawn. I need to talk to her. But she'll come around."

His hands moved to pull her close to him. "I'll find a way to prove to you that I am yours. That I am worthy of your forgiveness, Buffy, because you are everything that I want in this world."

"You already have my forgiveness. I need to learn to let the past go." Buffy snuggled closer to him. "All I want is you. Let's go upstairs so I can show you how much." Her hands began to move across him as he quickly calculated the dates. With disappointment he kissed the top of her head, she would be ovulating in just a few days and sex wasn't something they could have tonight.

"All I want tonight is to hold you and talk. Is that okay?"

Buffy pulled away so she could look at him. Already her decision to let go was being put to the test but she quickly pushed the doubts away. There had to be a logical explanation for him to turn down sex and she decided to be okay with this.

"Yeah, that's fine." Buffy reached up to kiss him softly while her hand sought his. Then hand in hand they returned to the house.

TBC

  
  



	29. Take My Breath Away

**Chapter 28 – Take My Breath Away__**

****

_August 4, 2007__11:49 AM___

Buffy knocked hesitantly on the door thinking that it was ironic that now she knocked politely on the door of the house she had once lived in with her mom and Dawn but the house now belonged to Giles and Kate and she owed them that respect. While she waited for an answer she glanced back at the cars that were parked in the driveway and in the street immediately in front of the house. When Dawn had told her that Kate wanted them over for lunch she had said that it was going to be just the three of them but it appeared that the whole family might be there. 

"Hi, Buffy, come on in," Kate smiled at her as she held the door open for the woman who had become like a daughter to her.

"Hello, Kate," Buffy returned the smile and stepped into the house. Her footsteps moved her to the entrance of the living room so she could see who was there. Anya and Xander sat on the couch, while Willow and Tara sat on the love seat. Josh was sitting cross legged on the floor while Dawn stood next to the fire place. Finally Giles sat in his recliner where Kate was now settling herself on the arm next to him. Knowing she had been set up but not sure why she turned to her sister, the most likely culprit of it, "What's going on, Dawn? I thought this was going to be a quiet lunch for us to talk things over."

"It is for us to talk things over but I thought that having everyone here, it would easier for you to see reason." 

"What is it with you people? How many interventions do you think I need in one lifetime?" Buffy gave angry glances at her friends before turning to leave.

"Buffy, we don't know what's going on. Dawn just called us here too." Xander called out to her before she could get too far.

Slowly, Buffy walked back into the room, ignoring the invitations to sit, she came to stand so that she was facing her sister with everyone else in the room between them.

"So, Dawnie, why don't you enlighten everyone, me included as to why you have all of us here on a Saturday morning instead of at home with our families?" Buffy asked.

Dawn closed her eyes for a moment against the wave of Buffy's anger because she knew the truth even if Buffy didn't. Ever since Buffy had wanted to have a baby, Spike was becoming more demon like, and the things he had told her about him being in control, wanting other women, the games they played and now the beating were all evidence of it. Angel agreed with her that if something wasn't done that Spike could completely lose control and Buffy could be seriously hurt or killed. Spike wasn't listening to anyone, especially to Angel who knew exactly what his struggles were, so the only one left to try to reach before it was too late was Buffy. 

"Buffy, I love you and I don't want to see you hurt anymore." Dawn looked quickly around at the others, "I don't know if you all of you know about the bondage sex they have started to have."

"Everyone knows," Buffy interrupted her. Then when no one responded she prompted, "Don't you?"

"Buffy, of course we know, you came to us for the spell for your room," Tara answered for herself and Willow.

"Spike told me and Anya and she was the one who gave him the web site addresses to get some of the toys." Xander responded. "So, we know."

"And I know because I am her medical doctor. She came to me asking questions about the risks of some of these things." Kate answered.

"And unfortunately, I know and really don't want to." Giles said while rubbing his forehead. "What is your point, Dawn? If it's about their sexual exploration, I think it is already out of the bag. Quite out of the bag actually. Buffy is even going back to Sara to make sure everything is okay. They are open and responsible about the choices they are making so I don't see any harm in it."

"What about the fact that he is now beating her?" Dawn smugly said. They might dismiss the games as harmless but they couldn't deny the bruises on her back.

"And I told you that bruises were part of the Slayer package, Dawn. Damn it you know that," Buffy exclaimed turning around as she pulled her shirt up so the others could see the fading bruises on her back. "The other night patrolling," Buffy pulled her shirt back down and turned to face the others again, "I ran into a gang of demons. There were a lot of them and they were about ready to let loose on a neighborhood so I called for Faith and Spike to join me. It was a horrible fight and we were outnumbered three to one. I got kicked around quite a bit, as we all did. Spike was turning to push one of the demons down when the demon I was fighting flipped me and Spike ended up swatting me instead of the demon he was aiming for. Yes, it is his handprint but it was an accident that happened in the middle of a really confusing fight."

"There was a gang of demons in Sunnydale?" Giles asked.

"Yeah, there has been a real increase of activity in the last couple of weeks. Unusual migration too. We ran into a family whose car had broken down. They started to beg us not to hurt them but relaxed when Spike got the car started for them and then directed them to the side of town that would welcome them."

"I wonder if it has anything to do with the Soldiers," Giles pondered.

"I can talk to some of my old contacts and see if they have heard anything," Anya volunteered.

"Excuse me; can we get back to the point of why we are here?" Dawn interjected.

"Dawn, I don't think there is anything else left to say. Spike and Buffy are fine, just going through a rough spot like any other married couple does at some point. I think if there was something wrong Buffy would tell us." Giles said.

"Fine, no one wants to listen to Dawn. You all still treat me like a child. But when Spike loses the fight to his demon half and kills her, I don't want to hear a word." Dawn announced before heading for the door. Josh stood, smiled apologetically at everyone and shrugged his shoulders before following his wife out the door.

Buffy worn out by the emotional onslaught of Dawn sunk down on the ottoman. "I don't understand what is going on with her. I know Spike hurt her too when he…when he strayed but it's like she is out to get him or something."

Giles leaned forward to take Buffy's hands in his. "Buffy, he has always been the one that was perfect in her eyes. You failed her, I was the enemy because I took her away from you, everyone else was going through their own problems that year and weren't as involved as she needed. Spike came riding back into town and in her eyes saved everyone. She was still young and saw him as the hero in it all. Now, for the first time he has stepped off that pedestal and she is having a hard time with it. She wants to blame an entity, the demon, which is an integral part of Spike but she sees them as separate beings and the one being is taking away the person in her world that has never failed her until now."

"But she is really hurting him. He thinks he has lost her. Do you think they need to talk?" 

"I honestly don't think it would help. I think time is the only thing that is going to mend this. Keep her as involved in the family as possible. Let her see that he is trying to put things right. Love will see her through this eventually."

The talk returned to the increased demon activity and Anya promised that she would start tracking down what she could that day. Buffy said that she would call Max to find out if he knew anything. With promises of getting in touch later that day to discuss results the family broke up and went their separate ways for the afternoon.

_August 4, 2007__10:15 PM___

Spike was pouring soap into the dishwasher when the phone rang. Quickly closing the soap container, he reached for the phone with the other hand.

"Hello," he answered distractedly while locking the machine and turning it on.

"Is Buffy there?" Dawn asked impatiently.

"No, Dawn, she and Faith are out patrolling. Is there anything I can help you with?" 

There was a loud sigh on the other side of the line and some mumbled whisperings. Then Dawn was back on the line, "Spike, you need to go find them. Janice and Bobby were found out tonight. The invite was a trap and they barely got out alive. They just called and they said…and they said that they overheard one of the guys at the house say that they were going to make sure that the Slayer bitch died. Find her for me, please." There was the little girl that was in so many ways still Dawn pleading with him to be her hero again.

"I will. Call everyone. Let them know." Then Spike hung the phone up.  In two seconds he was in the living room where Clem and Raven were watching a movie. "Clem, there's trouble. I have to go find the girls. Lock the house down, get Elijah, move to the center of the house, Raven use whatever magic you have to protect yourselves. Help is on the way."

Then he was gone, the scared expressions on his family faces would have to be dealt with later, Buffy was in trouble. And with her was Faith, someone who had become an important part of them.

He was halfway across the backyard when everything changed.

The silence of the night was broken by the sound of a single gunshot.

_August 4, 2007__10:15 PM___

"So, come on, B, give some info. Are vamps better in bed than humans?"

"Faith, what is your fascination with my sex life?" Buffy flushed slightly but it was from thinking about Spike naked and inside of her rather than from the questions that Faith was throwing at her. It had been five days since Spike and she had made love and she was seriously thinking about just attacking him later. 

"Because I don't have one right now." 

"You could if you wanted. Then you would know if demons are better than humans." Buffy smirked at the way she had diverted the conversation from her to one about Clem and Faith. Maybe she could get some information on how Faith really felt about Clem.

"I know. I like him a lot. He's been a really cool friend but there isn't any attraction on my part. He keeps asking me to play with his ears and I know it's like this big erogenous zone. Sometimes I think about doing it just to see what would happen."

"WooHoo, Faith gonna get some demon booty, Faith gonna get some demon booty," Buffy laughed as Faith started to chase her through the graves.

Then as they rounded a corner they both stopped as their instincts kicked into some sort of danger near them. Immediately they turned back to back as they checked the perimeter around them.

"Buffy, move," Faith shouted.

They turned to run as a gunshot rang out around them.

_August 4, 2007__10:25 PM___

Spike froze only for a moment at the sound then was galvanized into action by the force of Buffy's fear reaching him. It almost knocked him over from the power of it and then the faint odor of blood drifted on the wind. 

"No," he screamed as he ran to find them. He leapt over the wall surrounding their home and, as he ran through the cemetery he heard her, over and over in his head, "I need you, Spike. Help me." Anger and bloodlust was heavy in the air as he picked up on the presence of at least two other humans. 

He never slowed down or took precautions as he ran to find his mate. Another shot rang out and he felt the bullet graze against his flesh. For a brief second he stumbled to his knees and then using his hands pushed off running again. The stench of blood was stronger, almost overpowering, as he followed it toward a crypt. The door had been kicked in and there was a trail of blood over the doorstep leading inside. He stopped for a second, scared to walk inside, scared of what he would find. Slowly, he walked to the doorway, and his eyes met hers. Buffy was safe and he could see her visibly relax at his presence. 

She noted the wound in his shoulder and silently asked him if he was all right. He nodded and sank to his knees beside them. Grasping Faith's hand he told her he was there. The wounded Slayer was cradled in Buffy's arms while Buffy held her hand over the wound in Faith's chest but they knew that it wouldn't do any good from the amount of blood pouring from her. 

"I called 911. They are on their way." Buffy whispered to him.

"They'll be too late," Faith rasped out as her body began to tremble from her injuries. "I'm sorry, tell Clem I'm sorry."

"I will," Buffy reassured her knowing exactly what Faith meant. That maybe in time the bonds of friendship would have changed his appearance to her. Faith knew that she couldn't have found anyone else to love her as strongly as Clem had come to in only a few days.

"Take care of each other." Then Faith's eyes fluttered shut as the pain and the blood loss took their toll on her.

Buffy leaned forward to kiss her forehead and Faith knew that it was okay to let go. With Spike helping, Buffy laid Faith down on the floor, her head cradled on a jacket. The sounds of sirens could be heard in the distance. 

Buffy walked outside the crypt with Spike following her. His hand reached to grab her arm to try to keep her safe but Buffy shook him off.

"Listen to me," she screamed out to the night. "I am going to find you. And I will make you pay. Do you hear me? You are nothing but cowards shooting at unarmed people. There is a special hell for monsters like you and I am going to make sure you find it."

Spike grabbed her around the waist pulling her to the ground as another bullet whistled over their heads. Buffy trembled beneath him, "Make it stop, Spike. Make it stop."

"Sir, is she the one injured?" Spike looked up to find them surrounded by paramedics and police officers. 

"No, she..Faith is in there." Spike said as he pointed toward the crypt. He slowly made his way to his feet pulling Buffy up with him. She leaned into him overwhelmed by the events of the last half hour. The stench of Faith's blood covering her made her want to vomit.

"Miss, I'm sorry but did you see the assailants?"

Buffy shook her head.

"They headed that way. I saw them running." Spike told them softly. He hadn't seen them but had followed their scent as they had headed out of the cemetery. 

As two of the police officers ran in the direction that Spike had indicated, they heard the sound of people running toward them from the direction of the house. They turned to see who it was and saw Xander, Willow and Giles rapidly approaching them. 

"What happened?" Giles frantically asked as he saw the blood that was on both Buffy and Spike.

"Oh, God. Oh, God," Xander cried as they brought the stretcher out with Faith's sheet covered body on it. Xander unable to handle the sight turned and only managed a few steps before emptying his stomach on the ground. Willow came over to rub his back as he lost to the emotions that filled him. 

Buffy turned and buried her head in Spike's chest as he softly stroked her hair. He caught the attention of one of the police officers, "Can I take her back to the house? Get her cleaned up and then she can answer any questions you have." 

The officer gave their consent and after making sure they could be found the small group slowly made their way back. No one spoke. All of them were overwhelmed by the knowledge that one of them was gone. When they came through the back door Spike directed Buffy to the downstairs bathroom. "Willow, will you get some clean clothes for us and some towels?" 

Willow nodded and hurried off to get the requested items. Spike turned the shower on and began to undress his wife. She was clearly in shock, her small body trembling as she stared blankly at the wall. His hands were gentle as he moved her the way he needed. Then once they were both undressed he pulled her into the shower with him and began to wash her hair.

"Spike, the clothes and towels are out here." Willow called to him. 

"Oh my God, the children, Clem, I have to be there," Buffy was slowly coming back to reality as she stepped out of the shower with shampoo dripping from her hair. Spike reached for her waist to pull her back in when Willow took a hold of her, first her shoulders then came to cradle her face so she could get her attention.

"Buffy, they are fine right now. They do need you but they need you cleaned up and strong, okay? It would frighten the children to see you like this. Let Spike finish washing you and then you can see everybody." Willow firmly told her. 

Buffy blinked back a few tears and let Spike pull her back into the shower. Willow stayed and dried the floor while Spike took care of her friend.  When he had finished shampooing and washing her, he helped her out of the stall so he could get cleaned up. He hurried through the motions while listening to Willow helping Buffy dry off and getting dressed. 

Willow handed him a towel that he wrapped around his waist. A washcloth pressed to his shoulder where the wound had opened again.  Seeing him hurt brought Buffy further out of her shock and she pulled bandages and ointment out of the cabinet. Her hands shook as she cleaned him up and applied the ointment and bandage. Spike sat quietly on the toilet lid with his hand resting on her leg as she took care of him. After he was bandaged he pulled Buffy down onto his lap.

"You going to be able to get through this, Baby? Just be strong for the kids and then later I'll take care of you," Spike whispered to her as he hugged her tightly.

She nodded as she reached out for Willow pulling her into their embrace with her face buried against the redhead's stomach.

"I'll be fine as long as you two are there. You are both my backbone and always find me when I am lost." 

"That's right. We always will too." Willow told her as her arms wrapped around both of them. They stayed like that for a few minutes while Buffy pulled herself together. Then she stood, "Let's go take care of what needs to be done."

As she headed for the door, Spike and Willow exchanged a smile at the thought that Buffy was back in control.

They followed her back to the living room where she hesitated momentarily in the doorway. With quick assessment of who was where and who was taken care of she stepped further into the room while the others looked at her. Dawn was there wrapped in Josh's arms while her eyes held her gratitude that her sister was okay. Anya held Xander against her while Tara sat alone with Jacob on her lap. Kate and Giles stood together leaning against the doorway waiting to help in anyway they could.

Buffy turned and asked Spike softly to stay with the children and Clem. Raven and Elijah were huddled against the demon and none of them were crying yet. The pain of their loss was still too fresh to penetrate their emotions.  Elijah looked at them and silently watched his father come toward them. 

"Dawn, would you call LA and let Angel know what happened?" 

Dawn nodded her head and headed for the phone. Willow returned to sit with Tara as Buffy gestured for the police officer standing just inside the room to follow her into the kitchen.

"Giles, would you join us, please?" She asked the other person who had always been her strength to be with her during the questioning.

The three sat around the table as Buffy answered the officer's questions while her hand was held between Giles' larger ones.  She told him as much as she could without revealing the demon aspect of the murder. When he had taken all her information he gave her some good news. That they had found an older woman, Penelope Adams, on the street behind the cemetery that had possibly seen the suspects and had given a good description of the car that they drove. Buffy smiled when she recognized the name as one of the Sunnydale Chickies who was in her class. The thought crossed her mind that maybe she should enlist their help in finding these Soldiers since they always seemed to know what was going on in their neighborhoods.

Then with a reassurance that they would do all they could the officer took his leave. Buffy quickly moved to join her family in the living room. The silence and the grief were heavy in the air and she took a seat next to Elijah on the couch. Her arm reached across him, Clem and Raven as Spike reached the other way so that they were all connected. 

"Buffy, Angel and the others are on their way," Dawn informed her sister wishing that she felt comfortable enough again to join the family on the couch. But she didn't so she turned to huddle against Josh.

"What do we do now?" Anya asked unsure of how to handle this recent tragedy. The memory of that night when Xander and Tara had been shot was heavy in all their thoughts and the wish that this night could have ended as it did that night. 

"We keep going. Tomorrow we get up and we start fighting again." Buffy told Anya and the others in the room. 

Slowly the others nodded their agreement. The need to find these Soldiers had been reaffirmed and strengthened by the tragedy forced upon them. But that night they would take the time to reflect and grieve and share.

TBC


	30. Daddy's Hands

**Chapter 29 – Daddy's Hands **

_August 5, 2007__8:15 PM___

The radio barely contained the music that blasted from the ancient speakers. Spike sang along with Poison's 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' as he hurried back home. Xander and he had spent the rainy afternoon driving around looking for the car that Penelope had seen last night. None of them were comfortable just leaving it in the police's hands and had decided to do some investigating themselves. Besides he had wanted out of the house, Angel and company had arrived en masse last night and although they were helping the best way they could, Spike was feeling suffocated by their presence. 

He turned to pull into his driveway glancing down to turn the radio below thundering volume but as his eyes darted back up, he saw a small curly haired boy dashing across the driveway in front of him. Fear clutched at his heart as instincts kicked in and he slammed on the brakes. The heavy car screeched out its disapproval as it tried to stop but continued to slide a few more feet on the wet asphalt. Spike kept waiting for the sound of impact but was thrown into the steering wheel as the Desoto stopped almost turning on its nose from the suddenness.

Jumping from the car, panic pushing him to hurry, Spike dashed around the front of the vehicle. Elijah stood wide eyed staring at the grill of the car only an inch from him. His small hand held up as he detained the monster that seemed to want to devour him. His father snatched him up in a crushing hug and the car settled down into itself.

"You stopped the car, are you okay? You stopped the car. Oh, God, are you sure you're all right?" Spike's hands ran over his son as his mouth repeated his litany. 

Elijah came back to himself once he knew that he was now safe in Daddy's arms. His small arms a vice around the vampire's neck and his face was buried against his neck. 

"Don't leave us. Pwease don't leave us. Mummy didn't mean to be bad with Max," the child began to cry in great terrified gulps.

At that moment the front door of the house flew open and Buffy followed by Raven and Max ran toward the pair.

"Spike, what happened? We heard the car. Oh, my God, is he all right?" Buffy reached them holding her arms out to take her son as she realized what had almost happened. 

Elijah wrapped his legs around Spike's torso and clung even tighter as he pulled away from Buffy.

"No, you were bad. Make Daddy go away. I don't want Daddy to go away," the child wailed as his tears soaked his father's neck.

Spike stroked his son's back gently while kissing his small cheek, "Shhh, Daddy's not going anywhere. It's okay. I'm here."

He looked at Buffy's hurt and frightened face, and then at the wariness on Max's, finally he turned to Raven and found what he was looking for. Guilt.

"What's going on, Raven?"

"How would I know?" The girl took a step back knowing that this time she would pay. That by scaring Elijah enough to run outside that she would probably be packing her bags this time and now she was afraid that she would be going without her brother.

Spike walked across the driveway still holding Eli with Buffy matching him step by step afraid to let them out of her sight. Max stepped back some out of the way. 

"Because you know. Tell me why Elijah thinks I am leaving."

Raven just looked at the ground afraid to do anything else but remain silent.

"Mummy was bad with Max. You going to leave," Elijah answered for her.

"I'm not leaving," Spike reassured his son again. He turned to look at Buffy seeing the confusion in her eyes at the pronouncement that she was bad.

"What's been going on?"

Buffy was quickly going over the events of the last hour or so trying to figure out what had happened that would make Elijah think she was bad enough for Spike to leave. Then realization dawned on her and she looked at Max guiltily before looking at her husband.

"Max was holding me," she told her husband softly.

"Why?" Spike asked just as softly. When Buffy looked flustered and her hands begun to wring together he sighed, "Buffy, just tell me, please. All I want to know is why my son almost died."

"Our son," Buffy snapped at him. "I was upset about everything and started to cry. Max held me while I did. That's all."

Spike reached his hand out and pulled Buffy to him by the back of her neck. He kissed her gently on the cheek and rested his forehead against hers for a moment. "You okay now?" His quiet request for reassurance that she was okay now made the tears return. When she whispered that she was fine, he released her. "Elijah, go to your mother. Everything is okay, I promise. I'm not going anywhere and Mummy wasn't bad." 

The boy looked at both of his parents and knew they weren't mad at each other and all was going to be fine so he reached his arms out to allow his mother to hold him.

Spike slowly turned back to Raven knowing that she was the root of this current family drama. "Now, are you going to tell me what happened or do you get to see how pissed I can be?" Spike had started the question off slowly but by the end was screaming at the girl. Buffy's hand came out to clutch at his arm to tell him to go easy on her but the fury was rampaging his senses at how they could be having a second funeral tomorrow and he sincerely wanted someone to pay.

Raven began to cry herself as she started to back away, all she wanted was to get away from them and she turned to start to run but only found herself clutched in the embrace of her father. She was held against him and even using the moves she had learned couldn't free herself.

"Stop it now. I'm not going to hurt you but you are not leaving." Spike turned and dropped the girl in the middle of them. Raven forced herself to stand again. Her eyes looked from her mother on one side, Max on the other, and Spike behind her. "Nobody is fucking leaving. Do you understand me? No one else is getting lost," Spike roared at them. All of them. The thought of another person being lost or gone or dead was too much for him. He had yet to take the time to mourn the brunette that had stolen part of his heart because he had been trying to hold everyone else together and do something productive and it was beginning to catch up to him. "Raven, damn it, just tell me what the hell is going on?"

Raven knew that she had no choice but to confess and take the punishment. She turned on trembling legs to face her seriously pissed off father. "I…I was up that night that you all fought about Max. About them being in the motel together. When Buffy started crying, he was holding her and I thought they had started something. That you would leave us."

"So, you told Elijah."

"Yes, he has to know that this place is only temporary."

Spike's hands went to his hips knowing that part of the problem was him and his temper. The one that at this moment was telling him to let loose but he looked at Buffy and told himself to calm down. He had to calm down before causing irreparable damage to Raven's heart.

"First, I am upset because Max was holding Buffy," Spike glanced up at his wife quickly after hearing her gasp of protest. "But not because of what you think. I'm upset because you weren't. Where were you when she was crying? Watching? Thinking about you? You should have been there, Rav, you're not a child as you keep reminding me. We take care of each other around here. At least we are going to from now on. And second, why do you think this is temporary?"

"Because you didn't really want us. Elijah and I are just substitutes for the babies that you haven't had. I heard you that night too, talking to Tara and Willow about trying to have a baby again. Once you do, you won't want us around anymore." Raven looked down at the ground waiting for the affirmation to her worst fear. The words to tell her that it was time for her to pack her stuff and go that they didn't really want her.

"Eavesdropping is never going to give you the truth, pet," Spike came to Raven wrapping his arms around her. Spike looked over at his wife seeing the anger and confusion at the announcement that they were trying to have a baby again. "Can we talk about that part after the kids are settled?" She nodded her head relieved that he was so willing to talk things out. After receiving Buffy's affirmation Spike returned his attention to the girl in his arms. "I love you. Nothing is going to take that away. You are a part of me, of us, for now and forever. Understand?"

The girl didn't respond. She stood allowing Spike to embrace her without returning it. Buffy came to stand closer to them and Spike released their daughter so Buffy could talk to her. Buffy's hand came to pull up the girl's chin, "Listen to me, Raven. Even if I had already been pregnant or if we had already had a child, you and Elijah would have been welcome here. And if we have a dozen babies or adopt more children, you two will always be our first children. There will be no division or favoritism, because you all will be ours. It's as if we were meant to be together. As bad as this has been, us adjusting, it will get better."

"We don't have to leave?" Elijah asked.

"Never," Buffy emphatically told her son.

"Really?" Raven asked in wonder. "We don't ever have to leave? Even if there are other kids?"

"Yes, really," Spike answered. He pulled the girl against him again as Buffy and Elijah cuddled into his other side. "Just keep remembering this because I am sure there are going to be times when we all want to run." 

Spike looked up to find Max still standing there watching them. 

"I know this isn't going to sound manly but you might want to join us because I think this family now includes you."

"Aww, shucks, I'm an honorary Blood." Max joked as he walked over to throw his arms around the family. It might have been said as a joke but as he was included in the family hug he felt a sense of homecoming, that this was where he belonged too.

_August 5, 2007__11:51 PM___

"Spike?" Buffy's voice was soft as she entered the study. He was hiding again. Like in a lot of ways he had been since Faith's death. Hiding literally as he was now or hiding by being constantly busy taking care of business. 

"I was wondering how long it would take you to come find me." 

He didn't turn around to see her and Buffy made her way to him. She laid her hand against the back of his neck, her thumb caressing the nape right where his hair ended.

"You said we'd talk and I would like to do that."

Spike nodded as his hands dropped from his keyboard to rest in his lap. "I'm sorry. No, I'm not. I went to Willow and Tara and asked them to make me the fertility tea. I did it because I love you and I want you to have everything that you want to be happy." There was a slight twinge of defiance in his voice as he told her what he had done.

"I appreciate the gesture, Spike." She moved around so that she could sit on his lap. "Thank you for wanting to make me happy. But it's something that we need to discuss first."

"You don't want a baby anymore?" Spike asked incredulous. 

"Yes, I want more children whether I give birth to them or whether we adopt more. But everything right now is chaotic and dangerous and I'm okay if it doesn't happen right away. We've been blessed with two other children and they need to be our focus, to make sure that they are happy and taken care of.  Then we'll try again which ever way we feel is the best way to precede with the matter. Okay?"

He nodded. Relief wound its way through him that she wasn't angry at his deception and happy that she was okay with what they had been given.

"You're right. I guess I was being rash again."

"Yeah, you were but it was based on good intentions and makes me love you a little more."

Buffy leaned down to kiss him but then something occurred to her, "Is this why you haven't made love to me in days?"

"Yep, you're ovulating so tonight you would have gotten some."

"Yeah, so do I still get some or are you going to make me attack your ass?" She joked as she wiggled around on his lap until he growled low in his throat.

"You might get pregnant, it's the right time and I have been taking the tea." Spike told her seriously though hoping she wouldn't back out now but was surprised when Buffy threw her head back and laughed. 

"We can borrow a condom from Raven if you're worried about it." 

"Like bloody hell I am wearing a fucking raincoat," He groused as he picked her up and laid her down on the desk. His shirt landed on the floor before he leaned over to kiss her.

"Here on the desk, why Mr. Blood you are getting awfully risqué," Buffy laughed again and he froze pulling back from her. "What's wrong?'

"It's not right, us doing this, Faith…" Spike started to stand when Buffy pulled on his belt.

"Yes, it is. Faith is probably smiling and watching to get an answer to her question." 

"What question is that?"

"If vamps are better than humans." 

Spike laughed and leaned over his wife again. "Then I guess we had better give her a damn good show, huh?"

"I hope so because I've been horny for days." Buffy giggled again as her hands ran along Spike's chest.

"Wanton slut." Spike whispered to her before proceeding to put on the best show he could.

_August 6, 2007__9:25 PM___

The family formed a circle around the grave as a preacher who had never met Faith said the last words over her body. It had taken some talking and asking around before they found someone who was willing to perform the service at night. Buffy knew that to leave anyone out of the ceremony would have been unfair. Spike had told her that the family had held her service in the afternoon and neither he nor Angel had been able to attend which had seriously pissed her off when she had found out. It definitely topped the anger she felt at the ugly dress they had buried her in. A brief smile crossed her face as she thought of the jeans, low cut top and boots that Faith wore for her final outfit. The thought of putting the vibrant woman in a dress that she never would have worn alive had sickened Buffy and made her fight for the clothes too.

At the head of the coffin stood Spike and Buffy with Elijah between them and Angel and Cordelia stood next to them. The two couples that headed the family took their ranking place as the others scattered around them.  Clem stood directly to the side closet to where her heart was. Max, Fred, Lorne and Wesley stood as a small group together. Gunn and his wife, Carley, stood on the other side with the rest of everyone from Sunnydale. At the corner stood Raven with Connor, his arm protectively over her shoulder. 

When the preacher was done with his words, Lorne sang 'Amazing Grace' with everyone slowly joining in. Then it was over. They walked slowly by laying hands on the coffin or just whispering good-bye. As Buffy lifted her hand from the coffin to turn back to Spike, she saw him standing only a few yards away.

Riley. Alone and wearing an expression of mourning. Anger filled her at the thought of him being here and she walked over to him. The rest of the family saw and followed her over.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to pay my last respects."

"Why?'

"Buffy, I knew Faith. I felt for her."

"No, you didn't. You didn't know Faith at all. What you fucked her while she was in my body and you think it made an impression on her? What is it with you men? You think you have to be with a girl only once and she remembers you forever."

"Buffy, there isn't any reason to be angry. Or is this what living with a demon does to you? Makes you cold and ugly?"

"Don't insult my wife." Spike said.

"Yes, I did hear that you two got married. Finally decided to sink all the way into the gutter and married him and I heard you had children too." 

"This isn't the place or the time for this." Fred spoke up. It looked like if it wasn't settled there was going to be a fight.

"No, it isn't. I'm sorry." Buffy agreed. "So, how did you hear about Faith or for that matter about Spike and the children?"

"I just know some people and other than paying my respects I came to warn you."

"Warn me?"

"Yes," Riley looked around at the people in front of him. "Marrying a demon and adopting those children has made you some pretty serious enemies. Enemies who will do whatever they have to do to protect the natural order of life. I said I would try to talk to you."

"Natural order of life? Protect? Is that what Faith died for, their screwed up idea of what is right or wrong?"

"Buffy it isn't natural for a woman like yourself to marry something like him. He's an evil monster that is only halfway tamed because of the chip in his head."

"I'd watch what you said there." Angel spoke up as he made his way to stand next to Spike before Spike had a chance to respond. "There are a lot of demons surrounding you and you seem to be alone."

"Standing up for him? I thought you didn't like him either or him marrying her."

"You sure do know an awful lot for such an ignorant ass. You're right, I don't particularly like him or the fact that they married but you know what, he's family, that gives me the right to say what I want but  you aren't, family that is, so that doesn't give you the privilege of licking the bottom of his shoe."

Riley laughed as he stared at the people in front of him. He had never really understood Buffy's way of life or the people that filled it. For awhile there it had almost made sense the demons and human living together but he had seen more since leaving Sunnydale. Things that only reinforced his first beliefs that demons should never be allowed to live. Even the ones, who walked, talked and looked human. 

"I don't like him, Daddy," Elijah said while holding his arms up to be picked up. Once settled in his father's arms he laid his head on his shoulder.

"I don't like him either," Spike whispered.

"What happened to you Riley? When did you become such a bigot again?" Buffy asked saddened by the regression of the man in front of her.

"Villages destroyed by demons, vampires that have left families destroyed, little children run through by creatures with no conscience, that's what did it."

"And what about the demons who fight for the good of the world, who only want the right to live a life without worrying about it all being taken away just because they are a demon or not quite human. Like Spike, Angel, Lorne and Clem."

"And me," Cordelia spoke up.

"And me." Anya said, "Well, used to be demon."

"And me," Connor said.

"And me," Raven spoke up. 

"Go back, Riley, go back to these enemies that I supposedly made and tell them that are now my enemies and I don't lose. Haven't yet. Not even to death. Go back and tell them we won't rest until they are found and brought to justice for my children's parents and for Faith. And if you are part of them I will bring you down too." Buffy warned her former boyfriend before turning and heading back toward home. 

Slowly the others followed her. Raven walked up to Riley and spat on his shoe. "Go to hell," she whispered vehemently before walking away.

Angel caught up to Spike and threw an arm around his shoulder, "What I said back there, don't ever repeat it because I'll deny it to the end."

"Sure, Grandpa, you really love me and you know it." 

"That's Grandfather to you, sonny boy." 

As soon as Riley was out of hearing range, Max made a phone call to one of his men who was watching the proceedings, "There is a causacion male leaving the cemetery on the north side, follow him, he's got connections to the SoL."

Then he turned to follow the rest of the family home.

TBC


	31. Human Frailities

**Author's Note:              This chapter delves into Spike's history and contains violence and implied non-consensual sex.  Please read with caution if you are sensitive to this material.**

**Chapter 30 – Human Frailties**

_August 6, 2007__1:25 AM___

In all the ways, in all the places and all the positions that they had made love in Spike would have to say that this was his favorite. The two of them wrapped naked in each other's arms, skin to skin, flesh to flesh, lying quietly next to each other while their hands and mouths communicated their love. No games, no acrobats, no outside influences, just the two of them in simple wonder of the other. It never ceased to amaze him how she responded to him. From wide eyed acceptance that the act would occur then eyes slowly shuttering closed as he played her and the soft sigh as his hands undressed her, 

"I love you so much, Spike," Buffy whispered against his neck as her hands ran down his back. The flesh rippled as she tickled him with the soft touch of her fingertips, her lips laying a trail of kisses along his shoulder. He moaned in response and hugged her tighter to him. There was so much warmth from her, heating his body as she wrapped her leg around him. She shivered as he dragged his teeth along her shoulder, her head falling back to offer him her throat. Spike accepted the invitation licking his way along her jugular while she squirmed her hips against him. 

Unable to resist he covered her body with his as his mouth plundered into hers. Sweeping into the moist cavern he avoided her tongue, drawing out her torment until fingernails scratched down his back. He rose up on his hands so he could watch her face in the candlelight as he made her his.

"Buffy," he moaned as her hips rose up to meet him as they came together. This moment when he first was inside her body always created pure bliss for him to be able to love someone as glorious as she. 

"Hungry are we?" He lovingly asked. A frantic nod from her and he pulled back then drove back into her.  As he moved over her, her hands were never still, moving up and down his arms, across his shoulders, down his back and clutching at his ass. Only to repeat the journey again while her feet rested next to his thighs, her toes curling and uncurling or lifting to rub against the back of his knees. And his pleasure was only made stronger by the watching of her and feeling her uninhibited response to him. 

"Show me, baby, show me how good it is for you," he begged softly.

A soft smile then her face tensed again as she reached the edge, then the eyebrows arched as her mouth formed a small circle then relaxing with a small cry as she toppled over. He leaned down to kiss the corner of her mouth as she looked at him in gratitude for giving her a piece of heaven again. 

"Roll, Spike," she commanded and pushed him over onto his back. He smiled up at her as she began to move on him.

A shadow crossed his face and he pulled her closer before he rolled her over onto her back again as he tried to find his own release but it was too far away. 

"What do you need? Tell me," Buffy requested softly. When he slowed to a stop, gathering her into his arms she held him tight against her. "I love you. Always you." He nodded against her shoulder as she pulled herself off of him. Pushing him onto his back again, Buffy moved down his body until she could give him another type of pleasure. He arched into her and she smiled around him. But as she pleasured him she could feel the tension still in him, pulling back she whispered to him to let it go, that it didn't matter. A tear rolled across his cheek as he played with her silken hair.

"I don't know what it is, Buffy, I'm scared. I'm scared that this is the last time that I will ever make love to you like this."

She quickly moved over him to be beside him. "What's going on?" Her voice was filled with fear. 

"It's just a feeling that I have. It's stupid I know."

"Shh, it's not the last time. It's not the last time," she whispered to him as she took him back into her heat. They held each other and rocked together, gentle, soft movements as they reassured the other of their love and their intention to always be together. Tears fell across their cheeks as she held and comforted him until he fell asleep.

Once she knew he was under she propped herself up on an elbow so that she could watch him. So still, so beautiful, how could she have told him that she had the same feeling that he did? His words only confirmed what she already knew. Something was coming to change their world forever and she wondered if they would be able to face it and still be together. It was like they had been standing on opposite sides of a river and they kept trying to get to each other, their efforts genuine but something always prevented them from fully connecting. 

And no matter how much she tried to avoid it, she knew exactly what it was. It was his weaknesses and his doubts that she could still love him if he wasn't strong Spike and her fear that his weaknesses would take him away from her.

_"I've already lost her."_

Those weaknesses wasn't affecting just them, it was affecting the whole family. Dawn's refusal to accept him as anything other than the hero was tearing them apart.

_"You aren't going to kiss the beast and turn him into prince. That beast will always be there. I just want to make sure you're ready for that." _

In spite of his warnings and foretelling of what was to come, she hadn't been prepared. Instead she had let herself pretend that he was human; she had pretended that the beast wasn't really a part of him, when she knew that it was always there. It would always be there. Something she had begun to accept too late, when it was already tearing at their relationship.

_"I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course. But after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways…Every night I save you."_

She wasn't any different from Dawn, holding him to a level almost impossible to attain and batting her eyes in confusion when he finally fell from those lofty heights. It was her that had started this, pushing the envelope, asking him for something they both knew he couldn't give her. A baby. And by asking, had set him up for failure and he had done the only thing he knew to do, he had retreated behind the only thing that he felt confident in, being the beast.

Buffy wondered if he had ever really been allowed to be weak, if anyone had ever allowed him to show his softer side, his fears and his insecurities. Her hand rested on his chest, fingers softly drawing a pattern through the few curls that were there. 

It was so hard, so confusing. She knew so little of his childhood only that it had been hard and demanding. When he was a young man he had been ridiculed for who he was, his poetry laughed at and his love rejected. His vulnerabilities laughed at. Angelus would have brooked no weakness in his camp and Drusilla needed him to take care of her. The only way he was allowed into their group was his ability to fight with them, his strength, never being given credit for trying or encouraged to change. Then Dru had needed him again and he had gone, only to return to find Buffy falling apart. He had never hesitated to being strong for her, even though it meant changing who he was. Everything was fine as long as he was strong and in control. Now that he was weak they were fighting for their very survival and everyone else was questioning him.

_"As your friend, your lover, your partner in life, the father to our children, to always stand beside you in battle."_

His intentions were true. A standard that they both expected him to maintain, to never falter from.

_"Would I lose you too if you knew the monster I was and could be?"_

She had denied it but she wondered. Cordelia had backed away from Angel after seeing the truth of who he was. It had taken a long time for her to accept and forgive him. Would she be as weak? Or would it only make the bonds stronger between them? Would it be the final straw that tore them apart or would it chase his doubts and her fears away so they would know that nothing would ever come between them?

_"When you do that there is nothing that can be held back. It opens the floodgates between the two."_

A decision was made. If they could face the source of what was tearing them apart and come out still together then there was nothing outside of them that could do it.

Buffy moved to her knees pulling the covers off of him. With tears in her eyes she removed the bandage from his shoulder knowing the wound was deep and would bleed heavily once the scab was gone. Her hand moved down his body fondling him and he responded as she wished. She watched as he stirred in his sleep finally coming awake as he arched into her palm.

"What's going on, Buffy?" His voice was sleepy and confused. 

She moved over him taking him back into her body. He moaned as his hands moved to her hips.

"I want to do the ritual." 

With her words he came to full alertness. "No, Buffy," he refused trying to move out from under her but her hands were on his shoulders as her mouth ripped open the bullet wound. 

The blood flowed as freely as his tears did. "Don't do this, baby. I can't lose you."

Buffy moved so that she was looking down into his face. "Giles said it wouldn't make a human a vampire because the amount of blood the vampire would drink wouldn't be enough. And if I get lost you'll find me."

"You asked Giles?"

"Only in theory," she kissed him quickly.  "Spike, you asked the other night if you would lose me if I knew the monster inside you. Let me know and we'll both know. You'll never have to doubt my love again."

"What if you can't accept me? If you hate me?"

"Then would you still want to be with me? Knowing that I couldn't accept all of you." 

Then he would know. If he was truly loved for him or loved for what he could give to her? His hand came up to hold her by the back of the head as he turned her onto her back. If he was honest with himself this was something that he had wanted for a long time but had been too afraid of hurting her to do it. Now, it seemed it was something that had to be done for both of them.

"It will come in sensations, emotions, some things will be clear and others just fuzzy images. You'll get mostly what in my life had the most impact because that's the strongest and it will drown out the other." 

She nodded that she understood.

"Wait until I am drinking from you, after the first swallow, then start drinking yourself." He hesitated a moment then, "Are you sure, Buffy?"

"We need to know. In facing this then nothing or no one will ever come between us again. This is only going to make us stronger."

Spike kissed her softly and settled deeper between her legs. "I love you." He nuzzled her neck and allowed the demon to answer her call for him before he bit into her and felt the power of her blood before he took the first swallow. 

Buffy closed her eyes arching up into him as he drank from her, her hands rested on his shoulders, as she took a deep breath, said a quick prayer for guidance and began to suckle at his wound.

At first the only sensation was the heightened sexual arousal and her body came alive again. A spiraling dizziness took over her senses and she struggled to focus but as it did and a room came into view she realized that she was seeing through Spike's eyes and could feel everything that he felt. 

_Then it took only a moment before she heard laughter and voices saying he was a bloody awful poet and then she saw her, Cecily, the girl that had first broken his heart. Her words saying he was beneath her and she felt his heart break. Pain, great overwhelming humiliation and hurt driving him to run._

_Hope as Drusilla promised him everything he wanted then she felt the pain as she bit into him, fear as he felt the life drain from him, only to wake in a coffin. Panic as he clawed his way out and Dru's soft laughter as she waited for him. Her hand in his as she helped to pull him out of the ground and her kiss soft and wanting. _

_"Are you hungry? Of course you are. I saved her for you." Then another girl, young and pretty, dressed in party clothes struggling to get away and his driving hunger to take. She struggled in his arms as Dru directed him where and how to bite, the first taste of blood as it streamed down his throat. The hunger satiated and the girl falling to the ground. Pride and a feeling of finally being someone to be feared coursing through him. He wanted to play, to get the revenge and Dru's giddy delight in his appetite for violence as she danced around him._

_A man screaming in pain as railroad spikes were driven into his body as Spike taunted, "See, what you get. Does it hurt? See I am bloody good at something, aren't I." _

_Everything faded then focused again as she felt the shackles on his wrists and the whip cracking across his back and the cold stone against his body as he bounced against it from the force of the whip being applied. Then a cool tongue licking across his open wounds sent shudders of arousal through him. Dru's fingernails scraped across unbroken skin._

_"Is Spike being a good boy? Do you deserve something special?" She whispered to him as the whip cracked against his upper thighs. Pain continuing as she nearly left him in ribbons before releasing him to fall to his knees._

_"Come here." She lay across the bed as she crooked her finger at him. And he crawled to her giving only a quick glance to Angelus and Darla entwined, watching from the chaise lounge in the corner. His only thought was that Drusilla was going to finally allow him the pleasure of her body. He had paid for it with his back as he covered her, his kisses hard and urgent as she wrapped her legs around him.  He had been waiting too long for this, the teasing over the last couple of weeks and he couldn't hold out. He came too quick, disappointing her, not knowing how to fix it; he mumbled and apologized as she pushed him out of the bed. _

_"You bad boy," she said as she wagged her finger at him._

_"Here simpleton, watch how a real man satisfies his woman." _

_Humiliation and hurt as he watched Angel take Drusilla giving her pleasure as Darla taunted and laughed at him from the lounge, before she finally joined the other two in the bed. He was thrown a blanket and left to sleep alone on the floor as he listened to the three of them together._

_Then more images of more kills, more bodies, more blood then another house where anticipation filled him as he waited for Angelus and Darla to leave. She could feel the smile across his lips as he walked up behind Drusilla, his hand wrapping in her hair as she squeaked in surprise. Her dolls scattering around the table as he pulled her away before slamming her face first into the wall. _

_"Now, listen, you are mine." Spike went toward her again when she flew at him in rage. Her fingernails scratched at his face as she screamed that he was nothing to her but he only laughed. The laughter grew louder as he threw her down onto the table pushing the prized toys to the floor. His hands ripped her dress from her as she ineffectual fought him.   
  
"There are things I have to accept like Angelus but I will have your respect." He leaned over and kissed her shoving his tongue into her mouth. _

_"How does it feel?" He asked._

_"Daddy will hurt you for this." Dru squeaked. _

_"No he won't," Spike pulled her to her feet, where she struggled to stand on her toes because he was still holding her by the throat. "You know why? Because you like this, don't you." _

_Dru landed on the bed where he crawled over her. There was no gentleness in their coupling only the pain she craved. He had known the moment they had returned, that they were watching his taking of Drusilla. Then there was pride as Darla whispered to Angel, "I think our little boy is growing up." _

_Then she felt his contentment when later Dru curled into him whispering her love and her desire to him. She was now his to love, protect and nurture._

_More time, blood, screams of victims tortured for nothing more than the pleasure of their screams and blood. Men, women and children only selected for their locality, easiness or innocence._

_Then a fight and a mob chasing them, the adrenaline and fun racing through his body as he ran, before they hid in a tunnel beneath __Paris__. _

_"See, what you have done again. The last time didn't teach you a lesson, did it?" Angelus grabbed him by the shirt front and throwing him against the wall. "Now, you will pay. I am going to teach you once and for all who is in charge and that you nothing to me but another chattel."_

_After the first scream Spike was silent, enduring the pain with clenched teeth, his fingers kneading the ground as Angel showed his true feelings._

_Dru stopped momentarily to kneel beside him, her finger wagging in his face, "If you listened to Daddy then he wouldn't have to punish you. Now, you can't have cake and tea this evening."_

_Spike waited until they had left to let the tears fall. Humiliation was all he felt as he curled into a fetal position and waited for the pain to dissipate._

_Then there was laughter and enjoyment as they dressed to the nines for a trip to the opera, Drusilla on his arm beautiful in red satin.  Her hand on his leg as they watched then after it was over, her body pressed to his as they hid in a darkened hallway of the house._

_The images moved quickly again as time moved then clarity in a house as a woman cried on the couch as Angelus tormented her with things to come. He solicited a promise of cooperation from her for protection for the rest of her family. Then Angelus laughed," Go on, Spike, show how far you have come under my tutelage, take the girl. Show me what a man you are."_

_"Yes, show us what a man you are." Darla prompted as she laughed at his unease. _

_A young woman slept in her small iron bed a long gown wrapped around her legs. Spike moved cautiously into the room, pulling the covers back, so far he had only followed Angelus in these matters, she screamed as the strange man knelt on her bed, then screaming louder as he covered her. _

_"Mummy, Mummy," she cried helplessly._

_"Your mother is dead," he whispered into her ear. It wasn't until he was halfway down the stairs before the remorse hit in a great wave. He looked back toward the room where he heard the weeping then down the stairs to where Angelus waited his turn. Maybe it wasn't as much remorse for the act itself then for being a puppet on a string. Even if he would pay with this own body, he decided then that he would choose his own victims and his own way, rather then letting Angelus control him.  Spike turned back up the stairs where the girl lay curled on her side, crying, and then trying to crawl away as the monster came back. A gentle kiss was laid on her forehead as a, "I'm sorry," was whispered to her, before he broke her neck, releasing her to safety and freedom._

_An image of a family dead propped up as if they were still alive as the vampires gathered around their table playing card games as they waited for night. They played for the last morsel of food in the house, the infant child of the family, given to the winner for a treat before they went hunting for the night. _

_Then image after image piling on top of another, more blood, strong in his nostrils, demons fought and humans killed, moments of tenderness and love between Drusilla and him. Sometimes the passion that stirred between the four and nights of bodies crowded into a bed in almost serene sleep._

_It was another place, another time, a fight against a young Chinese girl, a Slayer, a worthy opponent for someone that was now skilled in the drawing out the pleasure of the kill. Taunts were exchanged as they danced in an effort to stay alive and then her realization that it would be her last fight. Her final words and thoughts of her mother's pain as he drank her dry. The blood shared with Drusilla and the power of the sex. Arrogance and superiority as Drusilla crowed of his victory to the older vampires.  Never again would he feel to be the lesser of the four._

_Time drawn out, memories and things long forgotten drawn out for her perusal, emotions that ran the gauntlet from pain to ecstasy, of another Slayer dead and the claiming of the duster, of more people than it was possible to count taken for nourishment and forgotten, of love grown stronger, and the separation from the other two. The loss of their parents as Drusilla and he were cast to their own life and Spike's nurturing was finally able to take hold as was his own brand of terror and mayhem. It was his rules to be lived by and their trek to Sunnydale to find an Anointed One. _

_Fascination and longing for another Slayer as he watched her dance. His impatience to fight her only because he wanted to see her again, to see if she was as worthy as he thought she was. There was his reunion with Angel only to be disappointed by the change in him, then the unhappiness of the return of Angelus. Betrayal and pain was his companion as he listened to Drusilla once again being pleasured by her sire as he sat helplessly in a wheelchair._

_Frustration as he fought a losing battle to sustain his century long love only to lose as she kept telling him of his obsession for a Slayer and his betrayal of Drusilla with a pact with her._

_The need and irresistible connection lured him to return to Sunnydale again and again but not for the locale but for a petite Slayer, a mortal enemy, too mesmerizing to kill, too much to hope for.  _

_Humiliation, frustration, anger at being a prisoner of the Initiative, impotency and hunger driving him to the edge when he realized that his life had been taken from him. A hope and satisfaction that now he had an excuse to be around her. There was his enjoyment of the fights and arguments, of watching her. A sense of the surreal surrounding them while they were under the spell and his desire for her as they planned their wedding. _

_The sense of impotency lifting as he found he could fight demons and a feeling of being torn as he worked with Adam against her not knowing if he was right or wrong. A nudging in his brain that told him to be loyal to the Slayer even though it went against who he was supposed to be.  His embellishment of his past to impress her and the feeling of rejection as he tried to kiss her before she tore him down, repeating the words of Cecily. His tears shed unnoticed in an alley even as he noticed hers not long afterwards as he tried to comfort her. The anger that drove him there was forgotten as she allowed his presence in her time of anguish._

_A mixture of anger, loneliness, and insecurity filling him as he watched her window night after night listening to her having sex with Riley and wishing it was him.  The hope he carried that she would see him as more than an evil creature when he showed her Riley's treachery. An image of her ridiculing him for wanting to help and after she had walked away, Buffy saw that he had stayed to help even without the approval he had sought._

_Xander's rejection of his offer of condolences for her mother's death and a lonely visit to her grave and tears shed for the loss of her friendship and the realization that he had one less ally on his side in Sunnydale._

_More feelings of loneliness while pretending a machine could give him the companionship and sex that he desired from a girl that considered him loathsome. _

_Then the feelings intensified and swept through Buffy as she saw Spike beaten by Glory and his refusal to give her up. She felt his pain and hurt after Xander and Giles had left him alone, no thank you until she had shown up. The kiss that had changed his world forever and he lost the last of his doubts of loyalty to her. And his heart was forever given to her. _

_Buffy felt his failure as he fell from the tower and his bones breaking as he hit the ground. Then she saw her body lying on the rubble and her friends' pain and the fact that no one included him in their grief or recognized his. For the first time she really saw the summer that she was gone. Spike fighting every night with them, his watching the house until the last light was turned off and then his lonely vigil filled with tears over her grave until dawn chased him away. _

_The images and emotional bombardment began to move faster as they got closer to the present. Buffy felt his wonderment and surprise at seeing her walking down the stairs, his empathy when she had told him she had been in heaven and the elation of their first real kiss._

_Then the suffocation and frustration of having to take Drusilla to __Europe__, the shock of finding her living in his crypt, the overwhelming hope of making love to her for the first time and the relief of his name being called. _

_The pain of their tortured courtship and she felt his guilt as he dealt with getting the soul, things that she had never taken the time to realize over their time together became more real than ever to her. She felt his pain of Richard and the betrayal of her leaving for __Dallas__, his fear of taking her back if he was going to only lose her again. Their years together slid so easily through their connection, the fights, the love, the sex and their playing and the apocalypses they prevented. The grief of the baby they couldn't have that ripped through him as he hid behind his darker side and his delight at Raven and Elijah becoming a part of them.  Then his feelings and lust for Donna and she saw his trying to hold her only to push her away before the act was completed. _

_And most of all she felt his love for her, an overwhelming emotion that was almost an entity by itself. A force that moved through him and the individual emotions that made up his ties to her. _

As it slipped away to the present Buffy felt an orgasm ripping through her body, strong and powerful in its possession of her body.

Spike felt her relax as she begin to let go of the images then he felt her body quake in her fulfillment of the act. His fangs slipped from her neck as he pushed himself to join her in the finale. 

"Oh, God, Baby," He called out as his body emptied into hers.

It was in that moment he knew something wasn't right as he felt her become totally slack beneath him. An overpowering scent of blood and pain threatened to take over his senses. Quickly he withdrew from her body as he fumbled to turn on the light. When the light flooded the room he gasped from the fear at the sight before him. Somehow he managed to grab the phone and dial the number to Giles' house. 

"Hurry, hurry," he whispered then as soon as Kate's sleepy voice came over the line, "Kate, hurry, it's Buffy. I think she's dying."

"What happened?"

"Just hurry, please, hurry." 

Spike didn't even bother to hang up the phone as he dropped it on the bed. He crawled back over to Buffy lying next to her as he whispered for her to hang on and not to leave him. His eyes ran back over her hoping that he was imagining things, that her body wasn't really covered with the marks of his years of pain.

TBC


	32. You Are Where I Begin

**Chapter 31 – You Are Where I Begin**

_August 6, 2007__3:15 AM___

The sound of a car pulling into the drive was the only thing that could compel Spike to leave Buffy's side but only after reassuring himself it would only be for the time it would take to get the alarm turned off and the door unlocked. 

"I'll be right back. Help is here," he whispered to her, waiting until seeing acceptance in the eye that wasn't swollen shut before taking off. She was unable to speak because it appeared that her jaw was broken. He ran down the hall and took the stairs three or four at a time using the rail for balance. 

"Spike, what's wrong?" Max asked. 

Spike looked briefly toward the other man sitting on their couch, which was once again his temporary bed, before heading toward the alarm.

"It's Buffy," he managed to get out before pressing numbers on the alarm pad.

Max headed up the stairs without waiting for Spike as the look on the vampire's face told him that whatever had happened to Buffy was bad.  Really bad. The sight that faced him when he raced into their room almost made him sick. It looked like there wasn't a spot on Buffy's body that wasn't bruised, burned or bleeding. Cautiously Max made his way to her side, "Buffy, its Max. Can you hear me?"

Her eye blinked rapidly in response to his question as he drew closer. Blood was seeping out from beneath her and carefully he moved her onto her side. Her back lay in ribbons; each cut was leaking blood as well as her bottom.

Footsteps behind him made Max turn around to see Spike returning to the room. "What the hell did you do to her?"

"I…didn't," Spike told him as he approached the other side of the bed. Tears had begun to run down his face as he realized that no matter how it had happened it was his irresponsibility in allowing the ritual that had caused this.

"Spike?" Raven asked softly as she stepped into the room. The sounds of the men running up and down the stairs had awoken her and she had come to find out was happening. 

He turned to look at his daughter and spotted Elijah walking up behind her. "No, Elijah, don't come in here. Raven, stop him. It will kill him." Spike shouted in panic at the thought of Elijah picking up on what was happening to Buffy.

"I don't feel anything." Elijah stated from the security of Raven's arms out in the hall.

As Max and Raven both turned to him for explanation, Spike whispered, "There's a spell around the room keeping the sounds and feelings in here."

"You son of a bitch," Max exclaimed as his heart clutched still trying not to believe his friend would do this to his wife but knowing with the spell he could have tortured Buffy for hours and no one would have heard anything.

The sound of more footsteps hurrying up the stairs made everyone turn to see Kate, followed by Giles coming toward them and behind them was Willow.

Kate didn't hesitate to ask why but hurried to Buffy's side as she pulled on gloves. She made a cursory exam before pulling a syringe and a bottle of medicine from her bag. "I'm going to give her something for pain," she stated and filled the syringe with morphine before administering it.

"What happened?" Giles asked.

"We did the ritual. The one she asked you about and when it was over she was like this. I've never seen it do this before. It looks like she has my wounds, my pain." Spike told them hoarsely. 

"These aren't actually inflicted but from a ritual, magically induced?" Kate asked and then as Spike nodded, she turned her attention back to her patient.  "Spike, did you and Buffy have anal sex tonight?" Her eye flickered up to him as she asked needing to know if that was from the ritual or was actually physically induced.

Spike looked toward the ground; embarrassed at the words he had to say, "No, Angelus, it's part of my past."

"I think I know what happened then. When she saw the truth of who you are and decided to accept you in spite of it, she wanted to protect you from that hurt and in turn took that pain upon herself." Giles explained.

With his words the vampire began to sob at what she seemed to have tried to do for him and at how much she really had to love him. 

"Oh my God," Xander cried as he came through the bedroom door. Following him up the stairs was Dawn and Josh. 

"Everybody out now," Kate instructed because Buffy was beginning to deteriorate. Her heartbeat was slowing down and the family pouring through the door was wearing on her already fragile state. As everyone turned to leave she called, "Except for Willow, if magic did this then maybe magic can heal her."

Xander turned to Spike to help lead him out, leaning down to grab a pair of his jeans from the floor on the way. Once everyone but Kate and Willow had taken up vigil in the hallway, Giles explained to the newcomers what appeared to have happened. Spike pulled on the jeans that Xander held out to him then sank on the floor with his arms wrapped around his knees.

"Did you call everyone?" Spike asked briefly looking at Giles.

"Yes, we didn't know what had happened. Whether there was an attack again or what." 

Spike nodded before burying his head in his arms. Raven and Elijah were being held by Max, confused and hurt by what was happening. Raven kept looking at her father knowing that she should go to him but was frightened because she still wasn't sure what had happened to Buffy. Dawn's words made her decision.

"Are you all finally satisfied?" Dawn spat. "That eventually he is going to kill her; if he hasn't already. Is this what you wanted, Spike? To make her less than what she is to satisfy you're ego." 

"Dawn, stop it." Giles said.  Spike didn't need her anger right now. He was slowly rocking back and forth on the floor while his shoulders shook from his tears. Xander came to sit beside him putting one hand on his shoulder to let him know that he wasn't alone and not everyone blamed him.

Clem had joined them after returning from a late night return visit to Faith's grave. Max quietly filled him on what they knew so far. Then in silence they waited. Time dragged on for what seemed forever when finally Willow popped her head out of the door. She looked around the small group with her eyes finally coming to rest on Xander.

"Get a basin filled with hot water and bring soap, washcloths and towels."

"Is she all right?" Spike whispered.

"Seems she's coming out of it but there's a ways to go." Willow answered with a small smile on her lips before disappearing behind the door again. 

The others cleared a path for Xander to carry the basin and other requested items into the room. He came out a few moments later only to return to the room after retrieving clean linens for the bed. Then he too disappeared again and the wait continued.

"I hope to God she finally kicks you out for this." Dawn directed at Spike. "You should have left with that bitch and spared Buffy all this shit you've been putting her through."

The bedroom door opened and everyone was surprised when they saw Buffy leaning there. Her movements were small showing that she was still weak from her ordeal but the wounds however had disappeared from her body.

Buffy moved toward the wall where Spike was still sitting because he was too stunned at seeing her to be able to move or speak. She leaned against the wall and slid to sit on the floor next to him.

"Come here, baby," she called to him holding her arms and caught him when he turned to her. His face nestled against her neck as her hands smoothed his hair. Then her gaze glanced around the room noting the frightened look on her children's faces, the anger on Dawn's and the concern on everyone else's.

"Dawn, get out of my house. I heard what you said and you have no right to come into my home and insult my husband and make my children question their safety with him."

"Buffy, why won't you see? Come on, everybody, you have to back me up on this." Dawn looked at everyone seeking support and not finding any.

"Dawn, what happened, was not done to her by Spike. You have to understand this. From what we can figure it happened out of her love for him, her desire to protect him from hurt. Doing the ritual wasn't the smartest thing with a human, but with Buffy being the Slayer it was different due to her strength and stamina. Besides she is a grown woman, capable of making her own choices." Giles retorted.

"So, once again he gets away with it and I am the one sent away." Dawn shook her head in disbelief at the people around her.

"Dawnie, I love you and everyone else in the family but if it was Tara, you were attacking or if anyone else was, I'd do the same thing as Buffy." Willow said.

"And I'd do the same for Anya," Xander agreed.

"Just get out, Dawn, and until you can get over this, don't come back," Buffy looked up at her and watched as her sister stomped down the stairs. Then her gaze went to her children, "Come here," she called to them. "It's okay."

Slowly, Raven came toward them, relieved that Buffy was going to be all right and Spike hadn't done anything to hurt her. She sat on the other side of Spike, curling into his back with her arms around him in an attempt to help comfort him. Elijah, freed from Max sat between his parents while Buffy kept whispering words of love and comfort to her family. 

Kate moved over to the family kneeling in front of Buffy, her hand coming to cup the other woman's face. "You going to be okay?" Buffy nodded slowly. "We are going to go ahead and leave. I'm sure Max and Clem will be here if you all need anything but don't hesitate to call me again if you want. Promise?"

"I promise, Kate. Thank you for helping to pull me out of that." Buffy answered covering the hand on her cheek and squeezing it gently.

"That's my job. I'm just glad that you're going to be okay." Kate leaned forward to kiss the younger woman's cheek before standing. 

Xander and Willow expressed their concern and gratitude that everything turned out all right before they also left. Clem wished them good night and made his way up the stairs and Max turned to leave to go back downstairs. Finally Spike looked up and spoke, "You're really going to be all right?"

"Yes, I am going to be fine, Spike. Willow just kinda did one of her 'get in my mind' spells on me and got me to let go of it by telling me that it wasn't real. I'm just sorry for scaring everyone that way. I…I just felt so guilty for so many things and I wanted to make it better."

"Guilty?"

"For all the times I was such a rotten brat to you," Buffy smiled softly to him.

"Brat would not be the word but it will do," Spike leaned over to kiss her gently. "So, you don't hate me. You really still love me?"

"Even more than before."

Spike shifted so he could hug Raven and kiss her softly on the temple, "Let's say we get her to bed in your room while I finish cleaning up our room. And Elijah could sleep with you tonight, too."

"Okay," Raven smiled up at her parents. She stood and reached her hand down to help pull Spike up. After everyone was standing they went to Raven's room where Spike helped settle his wife and children into bed. He kissed each of them in turn after pulling the covers up around them.

"Promise you'll come get me after our room is ready," Buffy implored holding his hand.

"I promise, Baby," Spike leaned down to give her a lingering kiss. 

"Yuck," Elijah crowed before diving under the covers while the others laughed at him. 

After turning the light off Spike closed the door behind him. It took him only a few minutes to clean up the bedroom. The sheets and comforter would have to be thrown away so after everything else was done he carried them down the stairs.

"Everything okay?" Max asked as he watched Spike carry the bundle to the kitchen.

"Yeah, she's fine."

"Look, I'm sorry about what I said up there."

Spike returned to the room with a garbage bag in his hand. "It's okay. I understand." He looked down at the floor. "In a way it's good to know that you would protect her." 

"I would. Any of you." 

The only response Spike could give over his choked up throat was to nod then after finally swallowing it down, "Look, I'm going to take this out." He lifted the bag in his hand, "then I'm going to run down to the corner store and get a pack of cigarettes."

"I thought you quit?"

"I did. Mostly just want to get some air and clear my head. It's been hell the last few days and…" Spike shrugged his shoulders. Everything was overwhelming him, the emotions and feelings were making him feel cornered again and he just needed to be away from everyone and everything for a few minutes.

"It's okay. Anyone would be feeling overwhelmed in your shoes." Max could read the vampire's confusion and wanted him to know that it was okay for him to feel that way. 

"Thanks. Watch over things while I'm gone."

"I will."

_August 6, 2007__5:48 AM_

Spike came out of the store packing his cigarettes and not really paying attention to the things going on around him. Buffy, Faith, Dawn and everyone else was vying for attention in his mind. As he turned the corner of the building where his motorcycle was parked a man came to stand in front of him.

"Hey, vampire, heard you think you're as good as a human."

Spike tried to take a step around him knowing that to fight him would be a losing battle but that was when he noticed that there were three other men surrounding him. His eyes quickly darted around him trying to figure a way to get away but the sinking feeling in his stomach told him there probably wasn't a way.

"Guess we'll have to adjust you're attitude," one of the man snarled at him before putting a stun gun to Spike's side.

Spike muscles began to spasm as the voltage hit him and he tried to shake his head to clear the dazed feeling but found himself unable to move. One of the other men hit him in the back of the knees with a baton forcing him to drop to the ground. A part of him was screaming on the inside as he felt several kicks to his kidneys and heard laughter around him. Spike fought to stay conscious as he was picked up and thrown in the back of a van but as he received a blow to the back of the head, his last thought before passing out was of Buffy waiting for him at home.

TBC


	33. Tonight I Sleep Alone

**Chapter 32 – Tonight I Sleep Alone**

_August 6, 2007__8:42 AM___

The space was too confining making Buffy curl tighter into a ball as she tried to return to the blissful darkness of sleep. Someone moved behind her pushing their knees into her back and she finally abandoned any attempt at further needed oblivion and opened her eyes. Buffy blinked a couple of times before realizing she was still in Raven's room. She sat up immediately and wondered where Spike was, why he hadn't come for her.

At first she didn't think anything of it because the past few days had been an emotional roller coaster and she figured that Spike had probably just given into exhaustion and ended up sleeping alone. With a smile she made her way across the hall to their bedroom thinking of the new bond that would be between them now. There was hardly anything that wasn't known between them and she was confident that their union would only be stronger and more invincible. 

However, when Spike wasn't asleep in their bed as she had anticipated, fear began to twist in her belly. She searched the second floor and hurried downstairs when he wasn't anywhere around. Trying not to wake Max she quietly moved through the bottom floor but by the time she was done and still hadn't found Spike she was near to panic. 

"Max, wake up, Max," Buffy called to him as she shook his shoulder. "Please, wake up." 

His eyes flew open from years of never fully sleeping to find Buffy standing over him, her hands wringing against the other and tears streaming down her cheeks. Max immediately stood so he could put his hands on her shoulders to help steady her.

"What's wrong, Buffy?" 

"It's Spike, I can't find him. He's not in the house." 

Max sighed and looked around quickly, hoping that Spike would come around the corner. 

"Did you check everywhere? The attic and the basement?" He asked still hoping that Spike was just off doing something, hiding the way he had been since Faith's death.

When Buffy shook her head no, Max told her to go wake Clem and find out if he had seen him while he checked the basement and the crypt. As she took off back upstairs, Max prayed that Spike was somewhere around so that he didn't have to tell his wife that he had gone out earlier and might not have come back.

Fifteen minutes later the entire household minus Spike met back in the living room.  Buffy began to cry again when Max came back from the basement without Spike in tow. She was quickly pulled into the Guardian's arms.

"Buffy, after he put you all to bed last night Spike went out to get cigarettes. I never heard him come back."

"Why? He quit," she asked in confusion.

"He needed to get some fresh air, clear his head a little, said he was going to go to the store on the corner." 

Buffy pulled out of his arms and took off up the stairs, "I'm going to go down there and check to see if he was there." She only took the time to pull on a pair of jeans, a jacket and a pair of sandals before hurrying back downstairs.

When she returned Max had already gone out to his car to start it, Clem told her Max was waiting for her and that he would watch Raven and Elijah while they were gone. Buffy quickly kissed both of her children and told them she loved them. She wished she had the time to talk to them knowing that if these blows kept coming they might never recover but the urgency in finding her husband took precedence at the moment. The car door was open when she ran outside and before she could even pull the door closed behind her, Max was already backing up the drive.

As they pulled into the parking lot of the convenience store, they both saw Spike's motorcycle still parked on the side of the building. Buffy began to climb from the car to rush over to it when Max grabbed her arm, "There might be evidence. Let me call someone. Wait for me and then we'll go in and talk to the clerk."

Numbly she nodded her head as she crossed her arms in front of her, as much as she didn't want to face it, something horrible had happened to Spike. Hysteria teased at her but she refused to give in to it, knowing she needed a clear head to find him and bring him home.

Max clicked off the phone and said someone would be there in a few minutes. "Come on, Buffy; let's go talk to the clerk."

The clerk told them that he had only been on since 7 AM and didn't know anything. Max explained that a man had disappeared and they needed to speak to whoever was on duty, a call was placed to the young woman who had been working when Spike would have come in.

"Yeah, I remember him. Real good looking guy, came in around six, bought a pack of Marlboro reds and a couple of candy bars. Left and that's all I saw." The clerk told Max after he explained what he needed.

"Was there anyone else around? Any other customers?"

"Nope, no one else came in the store…" she said but stopped as something clicked. "Wait a minute there was a white utility van that came through the parking lot but pulled off into the side street without stopping. Did hear some screeching of tires but that's it."

Max thanked her then grabbed Buffy's hand to pull her back outside. They walked to the side of the building where there were a couple of Guardians searching for clues.

"Max, what's going on?" Buffy pleaded as she looked from him to the two men searching the ground.

One of the men stood and came over to them. "Hey Max, doesn't look good." Then when he saw the look on the Slayer's face he changed his tone to a gentler one. "I'm sorry, miss, but there appears to have been a struggle. Probably four other people besides the one miss…Spike. There was a vehicle pulled up to the side and someone was dragged into it. You can see the tracks where the feet were dragged along the ground. Found a pack of cigarettes that were dropped, Marlboro reds."

"They took him didn't they?" Buffy's asked. Spike was the one she always turned to when she felt lost and without him here she felt completely adrift. 

"It looks that way." Max turned her to face him, "At least we know they took him alive so we have a good chance of getting him back. Hang onto that, okay?"

She nodded her head slowly as she swallowed back her instinct to give into the emotions warring in her. There was another feeling in her and she sorted through the others to grab onto it, knowing that it would be the one that would carry her through: white-hot anger. Buffy closed her eyes for a second and let the emotion wash over her and force all other feelings aside and when she opened them again, she was ready.

"Let's go, Max, we've got work to do."

On the way back to the house Max called his superior to find out what was going on with Riley and to fill him in on the kidnapping. Buffy used her cell phone to call the family to tell them to meet at her house. She was still on the phone with Giles when they reached the house, "Call Dawn, let her know what happened. If she wants to help tell her to come over, if she wants to rejoice, tell her to stay the hell out of my sight." 

Clicking off the phone she made her way to the kitchen where Clem and the children were attempting to eat breakfast, she took a seat at the table with them. With both of the children's hands in her own she quickly relayed that it appeared that Spike had been taken by the Soldiers but they were already working on getting him back.

"Is he dead?" Elijah began to cry as he reached for Buffy. She cradled him to her and reached for Raven to give her a hug too.

"No, he isn't dead. If they had wanted him dead they would have killed him outside the store. He's still alive and we'll find him." 

Buffy gave them each a kiss on their heads and told them they had to be good for her because it was going to be really busy with the search. 

"Can we help?" Raven asked. 

"Yeah, you can help."

Max poked his head in the doorway, "Everybody's here." 

"Come on," Buffy told them and holding Elijah's hand walked back into the living room. She noted the grave and frightened looks on everyone's face and Dawn crying in the doorway.

"Tell her," Josh said to Dawn as he pushed gently on her shoulder. Dawn shook her head and tried to turn so she could leave but her husband held on to her. "Tell her now, Dawn. She is going to find out eventually and you need to be the one to tell her."

"Watch him," Buffy handed her son over to Max before turning to walk into the center of the room. "Dawn, I don't know what it is that you have to tell me but Josh thinks it's important to what is going on. So, tell me."

At her sister's words and knowing that it was going to be bad for her no matter when she told Buffy, Dawn finally turned back to walk over to meet her halfway.

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm so sorry."

Everyone else in the room had fallen silent as they watched what was going on between the two sisters. 

"Sorry for what, Dawn? I don't have time for your pity party so please just say it."

"The other night after what happened at Kate's house, I was with Janice at the Student's Union and we were talking about stuff," Dawn hesitated as she took a deep breath. "I was talking about what happened and this guy joined us. Someone that Janice had met at one of the meetings. Oh, God, Buffy, I didn't mean for this to happen."  
  


"Didn't mean for what to happen?" Buffy was holding onto a thin thread of restraint as Dawn dragged her story out.

"I was talking about Spike, not even saying about him being a demon, but about how he was hurting you and that I thought he was beating you. I said he needed to be punished. That's all. I didn't know this guy was part of them until Janice told me after the party."

The sound of the slap resounded around the room as Dawn collapsed to the floor holding her cheek. Buffy had reacted and didn't hold back much strength as she hit her sister. Josh tried to make his way toward his wife but was held back by Giles and Xander who told him to stay out of it.

"You little whiny bitch, how could you do this to him? To the man who loves you more than life itself. The man who endured hours of torture to protect you and you sell him out. You betrayed him."

"I'm sorry, Buffy; I thought he was hurting you."

Buffy crouched on the floor next to her sister.

"No, I'm sorry. I thought you were mature enough for me to talk to but apparently you're not. I just don't get how you could honestly think that Spike would hurt me. Spike? I don't stay with him because I'm afraid of being alone, or because I'm cowered by him, or because I'm weak, I stay with him because he's worth the effort. I have never met anyone who has endured so much to try to change who he is."

"Yeah, you know that now. After you did the ritual, Willow explained it to me." Dawn said defiantly.

"I knew that before. Why do you think it was him I turned to when I was falling apart? If he really wanted me in the dark or to hurt me then he would have done it when I handed him a fucking knife and begged him to cut me. He would have done it when I was so hurt and broken that I would have let him do whatever he wanted to me because I felt I deserved it but he didn't. He fought against what his demon was telling him to do to push me back into the light.  And now he's struggling, and making mistakes, am I supposed to turn my back on him? Is he not allowed to make mistakes, to be…?" Buffy hesitated as she realized what she was about to say.

"Human, Buffy, the word is human." Giles finished her sentence for her.

"Thank you, Giles." Buffy stood again staring down at her sister. After a deep sigh and a quick glance around the room, "Dawn, it is going to be up to him to forgive you. Because ultimately he is the one you hurt the most. You have two choices, get up off that floor and help us find my husband and the father to my children or you get up and walk out of the door and keep your ass moving right on out of town."

"Buffy..." Dawn cried.

"No, get up and help or get out of my sight for good." With that said she dismissed her sister from her thoughts. "Okay, the only clue we have right now is a white van and that these guys came from the Initiative. Willow, start going through everything we knew on them, see if you can find anything we missed. Anya, Dawn and Raven start calling the Chickies and see if they've seen a strange white van in their neighborhoods."

"Who?" Anya asked.

"Sunnydale Chickies, Raven will explain. Josh and Xander, I need tactical information. These guys are human, where are they getting their weapons? Get me things I can use against them. Kate, we might end up needing medical supplies, can you set up something?" After receiving a nod Buffy turned her attention to Tara and Giles, "Magic. Any spells, locator or something to use against them, research for me."

"What about me? I want to help, Buffy." Clem asked. "I can do more than just be a babysitter and fetch the food.  These guys took Faith from me and Spike is my friend, I want to fight."

"You're right, Clem. I'm sorry. Xander, Josh, you now have an apprentice. Train him well. Clem, you are now in the weapons division. Everybody, you are now responsible for your own children. Keep communications open if you need help. Thanks and let's get working."

_August 6, 2007__10:56 AM___

"Buffy, it's Angel, he wants to talk to you." Dawn held the phone out to Buffy.

"Hello."

"Buffy, anything I can do to help? Now, I'm sorry we went ahead and left last night instead of waiting."

"How did you know?"

"Dawn called me."

Buffy threw a menacing look at her sister. "So, she is the one who has been squealing to you."

Angel sighed. "Look, I know you don't want me to know everything but no matter what you believe, I do care. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know."

"I know you do, Angel. I'm sorry. I just feel sometimes that I have to choose sides and…"

"You're loyalty is where it needs to be. He is my grand-childe and in a way will always be my responsibility."

"I did the ritual with him, the one where I saw everything that he is. I know, Angel, I know it all now. The reason he resents you and hates you and still loves you in spite of it all. You were his father in so many ways and he never felt he measured up to your expectations."

"Shit, Buffy. You should never have seen that."

"Never seen the truth?" Buffy laughed at Angel in his feeble attempt to still try to protect her. "I needed to know. It makes me respect you both a hell of a lot more and love you more, too."

"Sometimes I think I was wrong. I underestimated you, Buffy. You are so much more than that girl I saw you as. And Spike. He is the right person for you and if there is anything I can do to help you both. Let me know." Angel said.

"There is something you can do."

"Name it."

"When I get him home tell him that and give him the absolution and love that he needs from you."

There was a silence on the other end of the line as Angel contemplated her request. In the end he agreed because he knew, had always known, that he was the one who needed to make the first step toward reconciliation to the other vampire. It was his pride and position as the grand-sire that had kept him away but as life continued to change he knew their relationship had to change with it. That the two of them needed to learn to work and live together without the tension and undercurrents of competition that had always pulled them apart.

"Thanks, Angel, I'll call you if we need anything and when we find him."

"I love you, Buffy."

"I love you, too."

_August 6, 2007__2:22 PM___

Max hurried back into the living with a grin dancing on his face, "Buffy, everybody, good news, one of our agents has been following Riley since last night. Well, this morning he had breakfast with a couple of our suspects. One of them showed up in a white van with Tennessee plates." The grin left his face as he caught Buffy's eyes, "one of them was overheard saying that they had the 'animal' captured and everything was going according to plan."

"And the good news is where?" Xander asked.

"The good news is that William T. Blood is a naturalized citizen of the United States since 1996, an established and respected celebrity, husband and father. A kidnapping complaint has been lodged with the Sunnydale Police Department and the FBI. Search warrants are being drawn up right now to search our suspect's houses and vehicles and Riley Finn has been detained at the airport for suspicion of kidnapping."

Relief flooded through Buffy that something was finally moving. After hours of research and trying locator spells, nothing had been turned up so far. She motioned Max to follow her unwilling to let the others see the doubts and questions that were bothering her. 

"What happens if they catch these guys? Spike can't stand up to the scrutiny of a trial. That's why we didn't file a complaint about the house." Buffy asked once they had reached the privacy of the porch. 

"After the searches we are hoping we find links to the murders, then the kidnapping charges are dropped because of lack of evidence or something. They get put away for the murders and Spike is never brought into it."

Buffy nodded, "What about Riley?"

"He isn't involved in the murders or kidnapping but we're hoping even with the military training he'll be smart enough to tell what he knows if his superiors don't get him out before he talks. The FBI agents being brought in to do the questioning are old buddies of mine from when I was there and won't be afraid or not knowledgeable enough to ask the right questions."

_August 6, 2007__3:35 PM___

The weapons division came pouring through the front door, laughing and slapping each other on the back but their antics stopped when they saw the frustrated looks on the faces of the others.

"Sorry, but Clem just walked into the surplus store like he belonged and they waited on him. We were just a little high from it and that we found where the guys have been buying some of their supplies." Xander explained sheepishly.

Buffy smiled and walked over to Clem to squeeze his hand. "All victories even the small ones need to be celebrated. Congratulations on taking a small step for your world."

"Thanks," Clem said, his face alit with a grin.

"What did you bring me?" Buffy asked.

"A couple of Taser guns and some tear gas." Josh offered.

"The clerk said there have been some military types coming in making jokes about specialized hunting they were going to do and buying equipment." Xander explained.

"Like what?"

"Stun guns, Taser guns and tear gas along with ammo and hatchets."

"Looks like they were planning on doing some hunting.  Max, maybe some inquiries need to be made about the ammo they bought. See if it matches with the bullets that were shot at us the other night."

Max laughed, "I'll send some men right over there, Agent Buffy."

She turned to smile and wink at him. It was good to have someone around who had inside connections that they had never had access to before. Maybe if they had some of their fights may have been easier.

_August 6, 2007__4:11 PM___

"Mu..Buffy, I've got something." Raven called out.

Her mother hurried over to where Raven was hanging the phone up. "What's up?"

"I finally got a hold of Mrs. Davis. She said that she has seen a strange white van driving up and down her road a lot."

Buffy bit her lip trying to figure out how to tell Raven that with the warrants the location of the van was mute at this point.

"Buffy, listen, Mrs. Davis lives on Baker Wood's Circle. The van has been driving in and out of the woods access near there."

A broad grin broke out over Buffy's face at the news turning she located Willow who was already on her way to her computer.

"I'm on it." The red head said as she began to go back over the Initiative's records to see if there were any tunnels located near Baker's Woods.

Enveloping her daughter in a hug, Buffy kissed her on the cheek, "Thank you."

_August 7, 2007__5:25 PM___

"Got it, definite tunnels ending at Baker's Woods Bluff." Willow announced.

"Okay, everybody, take a break, feed the kids, and eat something yourselves. After dinner pack supplies because we are moving everyone to the safe house. There we develop plans, so start thinking of any suggestions, and then Giles, Willow and Xander will go with me to find him. Any questions?" Buffy looked quickly around the room but only received nods in reply. 

Clem moved off by himself at her words taking a seat on the stairs. Startled he looked up from his hands to see the Slayer in front of him.

"Don't take it personally. I know you want to be there but the others have been with me since the beginning. There is no thinking among us. We move as one. Too many years of watching each other's back." Buffy reached and covered his hands with one of her own. "We'll get you trained and you can help again. Even if we get the main guys and rescue Spike, the battles with these Soldiers have just started. You'll have your chance to make your stand, okay?"

With tears rolling down his cheeks Clem nodded and wrapped his arms around his friend as she offered him a hug.

_August 7, 2007__8:41 PM___

Buffy leaned over the map that Xander was showing her. They were planning their route to the Baker's Woods when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Buffy, I know everything is in high gear but I think Raven really needs to talk to you." Tara said.

With an apologetic look to the others, Buffy turned see where her daughter was. Raven was curled up on one of the couches with silent tears running down her face. 

"I'll be back." Buffy told the others. Xander, Giles, and Willow turned their attention back to the map as Buffy made her way over to the teen. 

"What's going on?" She asked as she sat next to Raven.

"It's my fault. I've been hiding it all day but it's my fault." The girl looked at her mother with such guilt in her eyes that it made Buffy catch her breath.

"Why would you think it's your fault?

"If I hadn't been smoking then he would never had to go out to buy a pack. He would have had some at home." 

With a trembling hand Buffy wiped tears from the girl's face before pulling her into a hug. "It's not your fault. We all made mistakes that we could use to blame ourselves for him being there, including him, but it all comes down to one thing. The Soldiers are the ones to blame. They were the ones who did the wrong thing and they are the ones who will pay."

Raven nodded and wiped her nose on her knees before looking back at Buffy, "What will happen to Eli and me if you can't find him and something happens to you." 

"Come on," Buffy stood and took her daughter's hand, pulling her toward the middle of the pit. "Hey, everybody take a break and come here for a second."

After the others were gathered, Buffy had them move into a circle, and took Raven with her to the center. She put her hands on the girl's shoulders and moved her around so she could look at everyone that was there. Raven blushed at being the center of attention but was consoled some by the smiles of everyone.

"Look, Raven, this is your family. Spike and I have already made arrangements, actually about a page and a half of descending order of who will take you in if something happens to us. After these people it goes to the LA gang. These people are not related by blood but by love, just like you and Elijah are related to Spike and I. You are also related to them by love too. These people will be here for you, to support you, to be your friend, your parent, whatever you need. Some times we fight among ourselves but we always come back to each other. You and Elijah will never be alone again. Okay?" 

Raven began to sob as she hugged Buffy to her, and then found herself being comforted and hugged by everyone else. 

"Buffy, I'm really sorry. I was wrong." Dawn came up behind Buffy to try one more time. In Buffy's speech when she had said they always came back to each other gave Dawn the fortitude to approach her sister. 

"I know you are. I love you, Dawn, and always will but it's going to take time for me to get over this." Buffy turned to her sister. "We'll talk again later after Spike is home."

Max came over to Buffy interrupting any further communications between the sisters.  "I know you're ready to go but I'm going to ask you to wait."

"Why?'

"Everything is ready to search the house of the guy we think is in charge. The van is in the garage. I'm going over to help out and I want you to wait until we're done. Let me see if anything is there. I don't want you going off on a wild goose chase." 

Buffy looked into Max's face trying to decide what to do, the men they were looking for hadn't been found yet. Which could only mean they still had Spike hidden somewhere and could be doing anything to him.

"I don't know."

"Buffy, I think there might be information that will help. I don't really know myself but let me see."

Finally Buffy agreed to give him a little while knowing that this would also give everyone to have some family time and put the children to bed before they took off.

_August 8, 2007__12:10 AM___

Tapping her cell phone impatiently Buffy willed it to ring again to give her some news that her husband was safe and sound and was waiting for her at home. A couple hours ago Max had called and told her they had hit pay dirt on information with the Soldiers and to give him a little more time before leaving. She jumped when the phone rang beneath her hand and fumbled it on the way of putting it to her ear.

"Hello."

"Go, Buffy. The guys evaded us and there might not be much time. We are headed to the main entrance and one side entrance." Max told her before hanging up.

It was then that she realized that in a way Max had duped her. He had kept her there because he was playing by the rules of the Guardians and the government and not hers. It was only when he realized that he had made a mistake and could have cost Spike his life had he called to tell her to go.

Anger flashed through Buffy as she barked the order to get the weapons together. She made her way to her bag pulling it over her shoulder as Giles, Xander and Willow did the same.

"Mummy," Raven called.

Buffy froze momentarily then turned in surprise to her daughter.

"Bring Daddy home, please."

"I will, Princess." She told her, deliberately calling her by Spike's nickname, before she turned back to the others. "Let's go."

Then with Buffy leading the way, the Scoobies marched out to bring back one of their own.

TBC


	34. Invested Too Much Time

**Chapter 33 – Invested Too Much Time**

_August 7, 2007 1:25 AM_

The ground had been uneven, littered with rocks and twigs making the way difficult for them. It was inevitable that someone was going to get hurt eventually. Willow was following Giles and stepped on a stick that rolled under her making her fall and twist her ankle. The red head looked at her best friend apologetically but Buffy only nodded and returned to surveying the terrain while Giles and Xander tended to the Wicca. There was a ridge about a quarter mile away and making a decision she turned back to her friends.

"I'm going to go ahead to the ridge and see how much further it is. Call me if you need anything," she told them and before they could protest her decision Buffy began the trek, the urgency to find her mate pushing her on. In the last few hours she had come to think of Spike as exactly that, her mate. A vampire term that she had always been to him but it was one she was now willing to adopt as her own. He was everything that it entailed to her, companion, friend, comrade and lover. He wasn't her boyfriend, never had been. They were more than lovers or husband and wife, he wasn't just her trusted ally in battle, and he was more than the keeper of all her secrets. Spike was everything to her, the beginning and end of her world and her very being. 

Over the years they had invested trust, time, blood, and love into cultivating a relationship that was truly unique in the annals of time. A Slayer and a vampire, truly matched, making a life together. It was a life that appeared to be modeled after a human nuclear family but was actually based in the darkest corners of humanity. When you stripped everything away and they stood naked and connected by blood, the demons that existed between had made peace and developed a bond. A bond that if let come to its full power could rule the world with its force. Evil and goodness welded together as it was in the beginning. Balanced in it's true form would give existence a Garden of Eden again. It was only in the struggle of one to rule the other that the world developed chaos.

This need to keep the balance pushed Buffy to fight exhaustion, her own need to cry in pain, and the need to protect her cubs to find him. The only one to whom she could truly give her love and body to. The only one who was worthy of her and the one that gave her the security to be who she truly was.

As she stood on the ridge looking out over the forest searching for the boulders that would mark the entrance to the Initiative she was the embodiment of the primitive Slayer. But it was the human in her that caused her to miss the prickles that signaled she was not alone. It was the cracking of a twig that made her turn her head to find herself staring down the barrel of a gun.

"So, the demon whore has come," the man said. "Not the smartest move you ever made but it has definitely made my job easier. Start walking." 

Buffy gave him a look of disdain before going the way that he indicated. If he was alone then she would allow him to lead her to Spike and then he could be discarded. The entrance they had been seeking was only a few yards away and Buffy was ushered in as the Soldier quickly glanced around to see if they were being followed.

The hallways were like a maze as they descended deeper into the earth when they came to the end of a long corridor with a massive door to mark it. Buffy watched carefully as a card was run through the reader and a series of numbers punched in. She ran the numbers through her head until she felt confident they were stored in her memory.

Buffy found herself in what appeared to be a laboratory with a series of cells lining one wall. There was the sound of something repeatedly being thrown against a wall in the last unit. Fear clenched at her as she cautiously made her way along the row. There were small walls jutting out between them that kept her from seeing what was in the last one. As she came to it she peered around the corner and found herself looking at Spike. It was his body that was hitting the wall as he continued to crash against the door of his cell in an attempt to free himself.

The sight of her there only intensified his apparent rage and now not only his body but his fists beat against the partition that separated them. An unholy growl from the very depths of his being filled the air around her as his demon fought to get to her. A tear ran free down her cheek as she looked at him. In the time they had been separated he had apparently endured untold torture leaving his body as covered in pain as hers had been a short while before. His jeans hung in tattered rags from his hips, the only thing he now wore to conceal him from their view.

Unable to deny the call between them even now she approached the partition that separated them as his fury only seemed to increase the closer she came. In the yellow eyes she could still read the emotions that ripped through him, rage, hurt, pain and humiliation. The events of the past six months and the things he had gone through in the time since they had last touched had taken his spirit to the very brink of being broken. Spike was fighting not only his body but his very soul to stay intact as he threw himself at what held him prisoner but there was something else that wasn't quite right in his behavior.

With only a quick glance she looked at the man who thought he held her prisoner, "What else have you done to him?"

"Just a little extra something to make him more aggressive plus the fact that he is probably feeling a little hungry from the lack of blood."

"Why would you do that?"

The man laughed evilly, "Like I said running into you in the woods only made my job easier. See, if this helps you understand. We deactivated his chip."

Tears flowed copiously down Buffy's cheeks as she stepped closer to the cage that held her mate and placed one hand against it. At first he continued to throw himself against it but somehow her presence began to have a calming effect on him.

"You people are fools," she whispered, "his chip hasn't worked against me for almost six years now."

"Well, it won't matter anyway in a little while."

"I'm sorry I'm not giving you the dramatic reaction that you were looking for, the tears as I beg for my life, because you just can't comprehend something a million times more powerful than anything your pathetic group could ever hope to have."

"What? An animal like him?"

She laughed low in her throat at his question. "I knew you wouldn't understand. I'm talking about love. A love that is magical enough to take people who are so different and make them a family that is so strong that they are capable of saving the world over and over. Love so wondrous that it can take children not born of your body and make them so much a part of you that it is as if they are born from your very soul. And love that is so sacrificial that one mate would willingly give their life to ensure the safety and life of the other."

"Your right I don't understand the bullshit of freaks like you all. Move over there."

Buffy moved further away from the keypad that would free Spike and waited patiently. Even Spike seemed to calm down with an air of anticipation surrounding him. The Soldier punched in a few numbers and then hurriedly began to back away toward the exit. As the partition began to slowly open Spike roared distracting the man as Buffy took the opportunity and kicked the gun from his hands.

"And you know what, asshole; I forgot to mention the love that is so strong that one mate will kill to ensure the safety of the other."

Buffy held the struggling Soldier as Spike stepped from his cage and once he was free she pushed the man toward him.

"Eat, Spike, you need to eat something so you can start healing."

"You can't do this, bitch." The coward in her arms argued.

Spike made eye contact with her then his eyes flickered over the meal she was offering and with almost a gentleness he took the man against him and Buffy also. His hands holding her waist as the Soldier fought to live between them.

"I think I can." Buffy answered as Spike sank his fangs into his first living meal in years. 

She laid her head against the Soldier's back and her fingers moved through Spike's hair as he fed slowly, relishing every drop of warm human blood that flowed down his throat. 

"Whatever you need, Baby, I'll get for you. However many you need."

Spike opened his eyes to look at her as she smiled tremulously at him. His mind was still fuddled from the drugs they had given him. Emotions crashed through his system as he struggled to regain his sense of self. He knew, though, that this woman was his mate but something wasn't right with it. He withdrew his fangs and stepped back as the Soldier fell to the floor between them. Neither paid him any mind as he weakly crawled away from them.

"Mine?" Spike asked.

"Yes, Baby, I'm yours."

His fingers pushed back her hair looking for his mark and felt the warmth of her skin, the blood flowing in her veins and his hand moved to cover her breast feeling her heart beat beneath it. He gave her a quizzical look not understanding how she could be his and not be like him, an animal, and a beast that only deserved to live in the shadow of night.

Slowly, things began to right itself and the frustration and humiliation that he had endured began to take precedence. No matter what he had done, no matter how much he had tried it didn't seem to matter because he was only reduced back to this. Mocked at, beaten and told he wasn't worthy.

"I'm sorry, Buffy, I can't…I can't do it anymore." Sobs ripped through him as he let go of everything that he had tried to become.

Her arms pulled him to her as she ran her hands through his hair and softly kissed his cheek. She knew that now without the chip he had choices. Choices that he hadn't had in years and she knew that these few years with her couldn't out weigh the years that he had ruled as a master vampire.  If he had truly given up trying then he would return to the night, the one place he had felt confident. In this realization she made a decision because no matter where he was that was where she belonged. 

"I can, Spike."

Buffy stepped back from him and when she knew she had his attention she pulled her hair back and tilted her head offering him her throat.

"Are you sure?" 

His fingers ran over the skin of her throat as the magnitude of her offer hit him. 

"Yes."

Spike looked into her eyes briefly and saw only love and total acceptance in their depths. Relief flooded him as he pulled her close to him enjoying the feel of her body next to his as if they were made to be one creature. He could be everything that his nature called for him to be and with her they could rule the night. His nightmares of spending centuries without her would never have to come true now.

A light kiss was placed against her lips before they laid a trail to her throat and as he bit into the softness of her skin he felt love overflowing his heart.

TBC


	35. In The Eyes Of His Woman

**Chapter 34 – In the Eyes of His Woman**

_August 7, 2007__3:45 AM___

In the blood was life and with each life there was hopes and dreams and love. Buffy's life was laid out before Spike as he drank from her in brilliant colors that were blinding in their demand for his attention.  Her love was like warmth he had never known before keeping him safe as he saw what made her life so valuable. Their children flashed before his eyes, their laughter and tears, their fears and their hopes to have a stable home again. The Scoobies and her memories of them and the way they were today reminded him that she was the core of all of them. The people she had saved screamed to him of the ones she had yet to save. Other people's lives that she touched in some small way showed him that without her things would be thrown off kilter. 

In a rage he pulled her closer telling himself that he deserved to have her for his and only his. The world had no claim on this woman that was stronger than his. To justify his taking of her he reached back for the anger and pain that he always carried but found it was gone. In her love, acceptance and desire to protect him, she had healed his heart. In the act of laying his shame and guilt open for her scrutiny it had been vanquished and it no longer held him in its vice like hold. 

Tears flowed from him as he pulled back from her but found something opening to him that he had never heard of in the drinking of the blood. The future. Buffy's future, one small moment of time that would change his world forever. She sat in a rocker by their bedroom window bathed in the sunshine. Her small hand lovingly rubbed against her belly that was swollen with child and as the babe kicked her she laughed with delight. Her free hand reached to the man that sat near her on the windowsill. With obvious claim to her the man allowed her to lay his hand over their child so he could feel its movements. It was a moment of true peace between a couple in love and the child they had created from that love.

Spike released her and as she collapsed in his arms he was afraid that he had ruined everything for her. His legs gave out beneath him and they fell to the floor with her still cradled in his arms. 

"Wake up, Baby, wake up," Spike begged as he ran a hand over her face trying to bring her back to consciousness. As he rocked her back and forth he realized that Buffy was not going to be his forever. The father of her child couldn't be him. The sunlight they were bathed in was literal not part of a vision lighting effect. As he accepted this he also knew that he wanted it for her, no matter whom this man was that she ended up with she was happy, and that was what was most important.

"Please wake up, Buffy, don't do this to me."

Finally she shifted against him trying to get closer to him. 

"I'm okay," Buffy whispered and opened her eyes. With a smile she reached her hand up to cup his face. "You didn't do it."

It was something in her eyes and her smile that told him that Buffy had believed he would never go through with changing her. 

"You knew? You knew I wouldn't do it? How?"

"You taught the grasshopper well, Master. When you bit into me I opened myself to you, all of my heart and all the things that are important to me. I trusted you enough to make the right decision for us and if that was for me to be a vampire then," she shrugged her shoulders slightly, "I would still have you."

Spike hugged her to him, "Oh, my God, Buffy, I could honestly beat the shit out of you for doing this to me."

Her arms tightened around him, "I will always be yours, Spike, no matter what incarnation that happens to be."

There was nothing he could say to answer that because he knew that it wasn't true. He felt like he was dying inside as the pain of losing her took hold of his heart. 

"Come on, we need to get out of here before that guy brings help." Spike stood bringing her with him. Both of them were still weak and they held onto each other for a moment until they felt comfortable enough to begin moving.

Their arms around the other they moved through the bowels of the Initiative. There were a few moments of trying to decide which direction to take but soon they recognized the hallway that would lead them to the exit at Baker's Woods.

"We have a lot to talk about. A lot seemed to happen while you were gone." 

"Dawn? I know about that one. Those bastards took great pleasure in telling me that my own sister-in-law thought I deserved to be punished and was nothing more than an animal."

"She's sorry and she helped to find you."

Buffy hated this. Her first loyalty was to Spike but Dawn was her sister, the one she had sworn to protect until the end of the world, just like Spike had but Dawn's betrayal was hard to just let go.

"Buffy, it's going to take more than a tearful apology to make this go away." Spike said sadly. He had tried so hard not to believe the Soldiers but his wife's confirmation only made one more rip in his already broken heart.

"I know, baby, I know."

The exit door was standing wide open and they stepped through it cautiously. There was no one around, human or otherwise, as they left Spike's prison behind and moved into the woods. Spike was thinking rapidly trying to devise a plan for getting away from Buffy. There was no way he could go home with her and pretend he didn't know that it was almost over. There in the horizon was the first flicker of daylight fighting its way through the inky blackness of night. In resignation Spike looked around him and made his plan.

"Buffy, I'm feeling pretty weak. Why don't you go find the others? Let me rest a minute." 

Spike could hear Willow talking to Xander not too far away. All he had to do was get Buffy away form him and then he could take off in the other direction and stay away from her until the sun found him. That was the only way she would be free from him. If she thought he was alive she would never rest until she found him. In order for her to find that man or accept him Spike had to be dead. 

"Sit here and I'll be right back," Buffy told him as she helped him to sit with his back against a tree. He was already beginning to heal with the aid of the human blood he had drunk, especially hers, but his body was still deeply marked from his torture.

Before she left he pulled her back to him for a moment and kissed her gently, "I love you, woman, I always will."

"I know. I love you, too." Buffy replied in confusion. It almost sounded like he was saying good-bye but that was impossible. They had gone through too much to lose each other now. "I'll be right back."

As soon as she was gone, Spike struggled to his feet and stumbled in the other direction but found he was still too weak to make it on his own. Finally he began to crawl on his hands and knees trying to do the right thing for her. The sobs ripped through him as he prayed for help. He prayed for Buffy, for her to have all the things she deserved in a mate, all the things he couldn't give her. He prayed for his children, that they have the kind of father he couldn't be. And he prayed for the babe that Buffy would someday bear. He prayed for his death so that Buffy would be free to find everything that would make her happy and he prayed for the man that she would someday love. 

"You're prayers have been heard, William."

Spike looked up to find himself staring at a woman with a kindness he had never known before in the gentle brown of her eyes. She smiled at him and he saw the ageless wisdom that shone in her eyes. Her body seemed to be lit from the inside, bathing her in a brilliant glow that was yet soft and warm. For a moment Spike was sure that he was imagining things.

"I'm not a figment of your imagination."

"Who are you?"

"A friend," she shrugged her shoulders lightly. "Someone who wants to help give you what you deserve and what she deserves."

Spike looked again and smiled slightly at what he saw, "So, you are."

She returned his smile then turned serious again, "Are you sure that this is what you want? Once it has been done it can never be undone." 

~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was quickly relaying her news to the others as she led them back to where she had left Spike. Once Willow's ankle was feeling better they had been searching futility for her. Only a short while ago they had decided to head back to the safe house and get more help in order to find her and Spike.

"Buffy, who is that with Spike?" Giles asked as they came to the edge of the ridge.

They all turned to look at Spike kneeling on the ground in front of a strange woman.  Buffy stared at the brunette with her husband but shook her head when she realized that she had to be wrong.  There was no way it could possibly be anyone they knew.

"I don't know," Buffy replied.

~~~~~~~~~~

Spike turned to look at Buffy still too far away to see clearly but he could feel her confusion and the fear as she tried to figure out who was with him. The options had been laid before him and knowing that Buffy's happiness was the most important thing to him, he made his decision.

"I choose death," Spike said softly.

"Very well," the creature responded as she stepped forward and held her hand out to Spike. He accepted it and was gently pulled to his feet.

A smile was exchanged between them as she laid her hand on his chest. The touch of her hand against him was initially warm but quickly turned to a burning heat and it was like nothing Spike had ever felt.  It didn't take long for the soothing heat to transform into pain and it slammed through his entire being, wracking his body with convulsions as it snaked through his flesh.

And right before the merciful blackness overtook him, he thought, "It didn't hurt so bloody much to die the first time."

~~~~~~~~~

At first Buffy moved cautiously toward Spike and the woman with him. Then when she touched him and Spike's first scream tore through the morning Buffy tried to run to him and found she couldn't. A field surrounded the area and prevented her from going anywhere. The others felt the wall as they too tried to go to their friend. 

"Willow, do something, break through it." Buffy commanded as she saw her husband convulsing, "Damn it she's killing him."

The Slayer threw herself against the invisible barrier over and over and it was not lost on her the similarities to Spike's struggle to tear down his cage a short while ago to get to her. Her screams echoed his as she saw the pain he was in. Giles and Xander tried to hold her back but it wouldn't do any good. The instinct to protect him was stronger than any reason to reserve her strength. How could she just stand there and watch him die? It was better that she destroy herself in an attempt to save him no matter how feeble it might be.

After what seemed an eternity Spike was released from this woman's touch and collapsed to the ground. She looked briefly over at the mate that this vampire would sacrifice all for and saw and felt the matching love in the Slayer and knew the right decision had been made. And without a word or gesture she disappeared.

The moment she was gone, Buffy took off running, knowing that the barrier would be gone. Giles, Willow and Xander were right behind her.

"Spike, Spike," Buffy cried as she gathered her husband in her arms. He didn't respond to her and the only thought that crossed Buffy's mind was how hot he felt to the touch.

TBC


	36. My Cup Runneth Over

**Chapter 35 – My Cup Runneth Over**

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_August 24, 2007__ _9:45 PM____

It's been almost three weeks since that morning out at Baker's Woods and each day is more blessed than the one before it. Days filled with wonder and new discoveries. And today will be no different.

I had woken that morning cradled in Buffy's arms with her tears baptizing me. Her voice called to me through the blackness I had hidden in but was happy to relinquish to be with her again. As I fought the fog I heard the Watcher pronounce my change in a voice filled with awe.

"Buffy, Buffy, listen to me," he called to break through her sobs. Then I felt her small hand on my chest covered by his. "His heart is beating. He's alive."

I think I scared the crap out of them because I laughed. I couldn't help it. All I could hear was that line from the old Frankenstein movie of, "He's alive, He's alive."

"Spike, are you all right?" Buffy asked. Her brows knitted together as she tried to figure things out, mainly if I was still sane.

Opening my eyes I looked straight up into those bright hazel eyes still filled with tears. "Yeah, I think so." 

Looking around I saw Willow and Xander kneeling near my feet. Willow's face was crinkled with worry and Xander was grinning at me. He got why I had been laughing. Sometimes friendship needs no words. Finally I looked at Giles and his eyes were filled with tears too.

I shook my head trying to clear it some. This was going to take some explanation and I wasn't even sure of it all. Buffy sniffed and I tried to sit up but my body wasn't too steady about taking commands from me yet and I ended up leaning against my love with her arms still around me.

They all waited impatiently for me to say something. I could feel the questions ready to bombard me as they waited to find out how the hell my heart was beating and my skin was warm to the touch. 

"I'm not human." 

I had decided to just get that one out of the way and kill any ideas they had on that one.

"I'm still a vampire."

Now they were really confused. The options that were given to me by this 'angel' were to remain as I was, to become human, or to become a hybrid.

When I chose death I opted for the last choice. A hybrid. I gave up my immortality. I became a vampire inside of a living body. My body would age as a human's would, I could now walk in sunlight but I still have the demon sharing my body. 

Because…

I am the demon and the demon is me.

We have shared the same body for over a century now. I have come to accept him and realize that he is an integral part of who I am. For me to just banish him in an attempt to become human I would lose half of me and I would be lost. 

And I wouldn't be who Buffy fell in love with either. She has come to accept and love that part of me. 

The demon is the one who gives me my edge and my darkness and my strength and my ability to stand beside my lady in battle. To try and just keep his assets without keeping the darker part also would throw me off balance even worse then when I gained my soul.

This is going to be enough to adjust to and I didn't want to leave Buffy confused any more than she has to be. I am never going to lose her again or give her a reason to feel that she has no place in my life.

Regrets?

What is there to regret?

Am I to regret that I will live one life beside the woman who was created for me? That I will grow old with her and share each changing season of our lives with her? That I won't spend centuries walking this world alone after watching her and our friends succumb to the demands of age and to life?

Or am I to regret the fact that I can now go to the park on a Saturday afternoon and sit in the stands with my best friend and cheer for our sons as they play pee-wee softball?

Should I regret taking my daughter to her high school orientation and then shopping for new clothes just as any other parent would do on a weekday afternoon?

Maybe I should regret being able to take my family to the beach for a Sunday afternoon or to Disneyland for a weekend?

Most of all should I regret that the seed I now leave deep in Buffy's body is no longer cold and dead?

I turn my head slightly as I hear her enter our room. A smile is dancing across her face as she comes toward me. Her arms slide around my waist while her face rests against my back.

"Everybody asleep?" I ask as I move my hands to rest on hers.

"Elijah is but Raven is still up planning out her birthday party," Buffy tells me as she squeezes me a little tighter.

"I have a present for you."

She giggles and her hands go down to cup me, squeezing me gently.

"Not that, you insatiable wench, that is always yours." 

I turn in her embrace so that we are face to face and I reach down behind her knees and pull her up so her legs are around my waist. She rains kisses across my face as I walk toward the bed.

"I love you," she breathes in my ear as I lay us down with her on top. Her tongue requests entrance to my mouth and I open to her welcoming her, playing her tongue with mine. 

While she works at seducing me I reach under my pillow and pull out a small box that is wrapped in very regal Christmas paper. It was all that was in the house. I'm a guy, sorry. 

I break free from her mouth and push on her shoulders until she is straddling my stomach and her eyes open wide when she sees the box.

"An actual present? What's this for?" She squeals as she takes it from me and begins to shake it. 

I laugh up at her, "because I love you more than life itself."

Our eyes meet because we both know that statement is truer than either of us is comfortable with.

Carefully she unwraps it but when she sees what I have given to her she drops it back on my chest. Her eyes fill with tears, "How could you? What kind of cruel joke is that?"

Buffy starts to scramble off of me but I grab her wrists.

"Love, you're late. Five days late."

Then it dawns on her that the home pregnancy test I gave her might not be a joke and her eyes widen with hope.

"What's the date?"

"August 24th." 

She counts off on her fingers, grins broadly at me then takes off running with the test in hand. Unwilling to be left out I am right on her heels right until she tries to slam the door in my face.

"Buffy, let me in," and when she refuses to let go, "I've seen you pee before. And remember last year with the food poisoning and your ass was on the toilet and your head..." I got the response I wanted. The door opened and I was hauled into the bathroom with her.

"You swore that would never be mentioned again," she tells me indignantly as she pulls the test out of the box and lays the stuff on the edge of the sink.

I grin at her as she gets everything ready to find out if we are going to be parents.

"Look, the other way," my modest little wife tells me as she undoes her pants. 

In the first couple of days after my change we reveled in just being together. The realization that our love was strong enough for us both to be willing to sacrifice so much for the other that it was all we could do to get out of bed to take care of business. 

It hit us a few days later when Tara made a comment about the possibility of us getting pregnant that we realized that we hadn't even considered it. Of course, it was one of the reasons I had made my choice but it was a future thing for when we were ready. After the talk in my study that night we had both pretty much decided that we would wait on the baby factor but we hadn't been using anything. We had another talk after my change and decided that after Buffy's next cycle she would start on the pill. It seems fate might have another choice for us. And in the giddiness of that bathroom I realize that in our hearts we really did want a baby but it was our heads being logical that had said wait. 

I turn back to Buffy as she lays the stick on the back of the sink and washes her hands. 

"We need to talk before we know," I tell her. I guess I sounded a little too dire because when she looks at me I see insecurity in her eyes. "Come here."

Buffy comes willingly into my arms. "What's wrong?"

"Raven and Elijah, we just have them accepting the fact that they aren't going to be replaced and that we love them as our own. I don't know how they are going to accept this change. I mean if you're pregnant."

"IF we are then we'll just need to make sure that they are included in everything. And that they aren't neglected because of our planning." Buffy hesitates and lays her forehead against me. She realizes that I'm right. In our excitement about the possibility of being pregnant we could hurt the children that we already have. After a few moments she looks up at me, "We'll just have to keep talking to them and watch each other to make sure we don't do anything totally stupid."

It's inevitable that there are going to be moments as with any children competing with a new baby but all we can do is try. It's like that night we talked to Raven and Elijah about this, it was meant for them to be with us. In the weaving of our lives they were meant to touch us. It just hurts that they had to lose their parents to come to us but I'm glad that they are here.

I glance down at my watch and Buffy pulls away from me to look at the results. She closes her eyes as she picks the stick up and barely cracks them as she looks. 

"Well?" 

"We're pregnant," she shouts and launches herself at me. Even wrapped around me somehow she is still jumping up and down with joy. I laugh and hug her to me. We try to stay quiet and not disturb the children as our celebration continues. We are kissing and laughing at the same time. Words of love flow between us as we congratulate ourselves in doing one more thing we had thought was impossible.

A small knock interrupts us and we glance at each other trying to calm down. Buffy opens the door and Raven and Elijah are both standing there. After looking at us Raven looks down at Elijah and says, "They know."

"We know what?" I ask cautiously before stealing a quick glance at Buffy.

"The baby." Raven states matter-of-factly. "Elijah told me two days ago. He felt it."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Buffy asks then sighs softly as she reaches to scoop Elijah up in her arms as it dawned on her. "I love you and Spike loves you and this baby is going to be your baby brother or sister. Okay?"

Elijah nods and Raven looks carefully from Buffy to me. "Raven, I love you." It's as simple as I can say it. 

My daughter glances at the floor and dances her foot back and forth as she does when she's nervous. I wasn't sure at first that I heard it but then she does it again. Raven giggles and when she looks up at us she is grinning.

"I love you, too, Daddy." 

She hugs me to her as her hand reaches for Buffy. Soon, we are all hugging. My family. We end up back in the master bedroom with Raven and Buffy chattering about baby stuff and Elijah sleepily curling up next to me. Soon we are under the covers as Raven drifts off to sleep beside her brother. 

Buffy reaches across the bed to take my hand and we both feel the need to make love to cement this new bond but we stay as we are. This is one of those moments when you have to sacrifice for your children. They both need this togetherness in the first moments of the new changes. 

"I wish I could call Dawn," Buffy whispers to me as her eyes filled with tears. After we had made it back to the safe house Dawn had left and hasn't spoken to us since. The only contact she has with any of the family is with Kate and Giles. The rest of us are ignored. And it hurts Buffy the most. Now that she's pregnant it will be even worse not being able to share everything with her little sister. 

"I know. I'm sorry." I tell her wishing I could change things. It was too soon for me to try to make peace knowing that my Niblet's actions could have helped contribute to my kidnapping. But my heart was also telling me that I needed to settle it one way or the other. 

I am thankful that everyone else took the news of my change and the deactivation of the chip as well as they did. It felt good that no one panicked or suggested that I would go on another killing spree. Even Xander. Even though he is like a brother to me now, he was the one I was most worried about dealing with the changes because of the past with Angel. But he was silent for a few moments then looked at me and asked what he was going to do now that he couldn't call me Fangless anymore. 

It's funny that it was only nine months ago that Buffy and I embarked on this journey to have a baby and we have ended up with a full family and one more on the way. The road here has been hard and full of heartbreak and hurt but it has been also filled with love, forgiveness and discovery. We had been going through the motions of being happy and in love while on the inside we had carried doubts and secrets that kept a wall between us. There is no wall now. No secrets and no shame. Whatever happens now is a fresh slate to be built on. I pray that we keep the openness between us because I never want to feel that I have to hide from my mate again.

And one day I will have to tell Xander he was right. This is what life is about as I look at my wife and my children. I'm just glad that I learned it before it was too late.

**And when the day was ended  
I was very satisfied.  
Though I knew everything I touched  
would wither and would die.  
And love was all that would remain  
and grow from all these seed.  
Mother Nature's a quiet lady  
and you're the one I need.  
Flesh and blood   
needs flesh and blood  
and you're the one I need.**

**                                                                        Johnny Cash**

The End

Thank you to DarrylJ for being my beta and Slayers Gift for being my technical web site person, I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you to claudia79ad, time ends, lvmyspikey, Rain Dancer, fastpilot, LUv, Lynn, msu, Rogue Angel, maryann, Tobert, mrsmarsters, Raine77, Fiona, Odita, Gilly Bean, Josephine Martin, Cakes, Mockerfab4, spikebuffyfan, Dizzle, Bear, Shannon, Jack, shadowschild, magenta, Zoey, C, kdavid323, masaarah, Psy, Wolf31, megera, Chelsbell, rcrocks2002, andra, Lady Anne, littlebird, SAB, ginilee, buffy_freak, Marsters Girl, The Bloody and Buffy for the reviews. I appreciated all of them.

For those that have stuck around until the end, I hope it justifies the means. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

For those that still want more, the first part of 'Out of the Mouths of Babes' should be up in about a week. This will be the final installment in the Baby series. 

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